*waves* Hello lovely people and assholes alike. Goddess knows I seem to have met you in equal measure this year.
Regular readers will know that December is a weird time for me. I went from this really miserable post to this far more hopeful post and now is the time for the round up from this year.
Has it been Fuck Off or Fuck Yeah!?
Bit of both really.
Fuck Off
Depression hit me with a vengeance this year. Like my brain went 'what, wait, WHUT... she got fucking happy while I wasn't looking? What shit is this?' and tried to totally destroy me.
Fucking asshole. I'd had an amazing year with Doodlebug moving in and feeling nothing but love for the year at home. I got all my debts sorted. Not paid, but actually put stuff in place so I can. That's what a previous marriage gets you when your ex husband didn't work or claim for 7 years apparently. Fuck loads of debt.
I digress.
Things were going so well that my shitty brain forgot to remind me what a waste of space I am. It let me go to Glastonbury and Tolpuddle and Reading and have a fucking great time and though it would sometimes remember to give me a prod now and then, (you don't deserve this remember? Ah fuck it, can't be arsed) it more or less left me alone.
Which was nice :)
Then it hit. Full pelt. Mostly because of work, but that will always impact on how I feel about myself in general. Was being attacked by all sides, day job and union 'comrades' and it got too much.
Sidebar.
When you are in a trade union you are supposed to be united against attacks on your members. There, I fucking said it.
I could not give a FLYING FUCK about what faction you are in or not. Not bothered in the slightest. You should always be working to make things better for your members.
Not a difficult concept really is it?
Yet.... There are those who spend so much time trying to undermine others because they are not in the Judean Peolples Front or the People's Front of Judea or whatfuckingever that they pay lip service at best to what they are supposed to be doing for members. You know, things like organising and campaigning and recruiting activists and shit. But no, that's fine. You spend your time trying to score political points by being snarky and lying to your members about it you useless, ridiculous waste of facility time.
Here is a clue since you seem too politically broke to buy one. There is not a single faction of any kind that is exempt from this. You want to spend your time trying to score points off each other, you go ahead. There are those of us who will just laugh at you while trying to do the best for our members, even if the obstacles you put in the way make us feel like we're banging our heads against a brick wall. You keep arguing about whether the bricks are proletariat enough. Yeah, that'll help.
Now, where was I? Oh yeah, the Fuck Off section.
What else has pissed me off?
Abortion. Still every woman's choice. Still none of your business. Still your only job is to support a woman whatever her choice is. Women will only have true freedom when they have true autonomy over their bodies and choices. This is not a difficult concept but one that I feel I have to explain over and over again. You're welcome.
Feminists. Stop fucking arguing with each other and get on with smashing patriarchy will ya? For fucks sake. There are a LOT of online feminists I have a lot of respect for, even if their views don't match mine exactly. We are a diverse lot really and there is more to being a feminist than screeching on Twitter about why you are a better feminist than me. Yeah I said it. I covered most of this here when I talked about missing the fucking point but it bears repeating.
I would rather spend my time educating people on why equality is important than arguing about whether trigger warnings are effective (not really in my view as they assume a lot about triggers. I prefer to use 'Content Warning' and let people decide for themselves what is likely to trigger them).
People who moan about christmas leftovers while other people use foodbanks. Fuck off.
People who buy into the idea of the workers v shirkers narrative. Fuck off.
Anyone who thinks that being disabled is a burden on the state, Fuck off.
Think that there will be 27m Bulgarians flooding into the UK next week? Fuck off. And do some research. The total population is far less than that for a start.
Got something to say to me? Say it. Don't hide behind passive aggressive little comments on other people's facebook. Don't lie about me. Don't (and this one was HILARIOUS) trash my musical tastes because there is fuck all else you can say about me. Yep. Fuck off.
Prefer harassing Owen Jones than coming up with a viable strategy of your own? HINT: A one day general strike is not a viable strategy. It will not win the war against austerity. It can only be part of an overall strategy. Again, you're welcome. Now fuck off.
Victim blamers, body policers, fat shamers, rape apologists. Fuck off.
STILL in an organisation that hides rapists. You can fuck off too.
Homophobes, transphobes, racists and idiots... Guess what... fuck off.
Depression. You get the biggest fuck off of them all.
Which leads me to the FUCK YEAH! section.
I finally made it to Glastonbury. I saw Public Enemy from right at the front. I made new friends, caught up with old ones, broke my toe, raised a LOT of money for PCS and had an amazing time.
And when I got home smelling 'earthy' (apparently) I was greeted with smiles and hugs and kisses rather than the cold indifference I am used to.
I finally got to go gigging with my Wife Lady. Who paid £350 to a ticket tout just so she could spend time with me at Reading Festival. Best time ever and I am now an inductee to the Church of Dubstep. It really is all about the drop and the wub, wub, wub.
I spent the year being loved, cherished, adored and trusted.
Doodlebug started college and is thriving.
The Lovely made life better for a lot of people. I am so proud of the work he and his colleagues do. And I am proud of him.
I got through the depressive episode and actually allowed myself to be a member at work. Reps are really, REALLY bad at this, so I see it as a major victory.
I decided that the ex had enjoyed enough control over me and made the decision that he would have no more. So instead of going straight for a divorce once we had been separated 2 years which he could slow down and contest, I have decided to wait so that he can't have a say in it and control me any more.
I took up knitting again and got to see the faces of those I gifted with home made scarves and hats.
I embraced the onesie!!!! You know what, I have never worn anything as comfortable and I now have three of them.
I had a LOT of therapy and finally got a proper diagnosis of Depression, Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I always knew I had them, and fuck anyone who says you shouldn't self diagnose, I don't need a medical degree to know when I have broken my leg, but it is always nice to have it officially validated.
I got an undercut. I had wanted one for years and I finally took the plunge and did it.
I remembered that my friends love me when I am in a good mood and that they STILL love me when I am a crying mess.
Best of all, I found myself again. I remembered that I am not this awful person and that sometimes my very presence brings joy. This was a really powerful lesson to learn. It is one I am going to have to remember through the next 12 months and I may need you to remind me now and then.
In return I will tell you this.
You are not an awful person and sometimes your very presence brings joy.
Anyone who would tell you otherwise needs to fuck off.
Much love and happy new year.
Deeva xxx
Thursday, 26 December 2013
Tuesday, 3 December 2013
On Judging The Shit Out Of Stuff
Mainly parents putting their kids at risk.
Let me explain. This afternoon I was outside Boots having a ciggy, waiting for Doodlebug to come out when I heard a child screaming.
This sound opens up something in me as it does most people. I mean, this child wasn't crying, we all know that babies cry, but it was screaming. Loudly. From the direction of a car.
I looked over and there were two children, one a baby in a car chair and the other about 3 years old in the back of a car. Alone.
My hackles went right up. Why the fuck would anyone do that?
I thought I would wait around to see if the parent (I wasn't automatically thinking 'mother' to my credit) would come back soon. They didn't. Not for a good ten minutes.
During that ten minutes the baby kept screaming and older child had now wound the window down and was shouting 'mummy' out of it.
I then spotted the security guard from Boots and told him and the shop worker he was stood in what was going on. 'Not again?' was the reply.
Wait, WHUT?
Oh yes, apparently people do this all the time. They leave what is supposed to be precious to them at risk.
Now, I don't like to judge people. Not on who they are, their sexuality, race, lifestyle choices, well anything really. I actually pride myself on being non judgemental.
But it seems that I have limits. And that limit was reached today.
Leave small children in a car in a car park on their own while you do your shopping? I am going to judge the fucking shit out of you.
I hate to play into paedophile hysteria and I know that human beings are most at risk in their own homes, but anything could have happened to those kids. Sometimes they do get snatched. Older child had managed to wind the window down. What if he had got out of the car and got knocked over?
Why take the risk?
I was even more furious when said parent (it was a woman in the end) came out to hear what the fuss was about as shop worker was not being discreet about her anger and security guard was on the radio summoning site security.
'They prefer to be left in the car' she said.
Fucking REALLY???????
I lost my shit.
I pointed out that her kids were screaming for her while she swanned around doing her shopping. I told her that anything could have happened to them especially while older child had the window wound down. I asked how the baby had articulated that it would prefer to be left in the car. Clever baby that.
I tried to stay calm but there may have been some shouting. Shop worker looked pleased that she was getting a telling off and security guard looked like he was ready for a fight to break out.
She seemed quite taken aback. She adopted a 'don't judge me' look. Not sorry, I am judging the hell out of you. Not for thinking that it would be easier to pop into the shop without your kids. It would. Not for looking pissed off at being caught out. Though that would be fair. But for leaving human beings, small human beings who your ONLY FUCKING JOB is to protect and keep safe to fend for themselves.
Fuck you. Fuck you and your prioritising buying wrapping paper over the safety of your children. I am always gonna judge you for that.
Let me explain. This afternoon I was outside Boots having a ciggy, waiting for Doodlebug to come out when I heard a child screaming.
This sound opens up something in me as it does most people. I mean, this child wasn't crying, we all know that babies cry, but it was screaming. Loudly. From the direction of a car.
I looked over and there were two children, one a baby in a car chair and the other about 3 years old in the back of a car. Alone.
My hackles went right up. Why the fuck would anyone do that?
I thought I would wait around to see if the parent (I wasn't automatically thinking 'mother' to my credit) would come back soon. They didn't. Not for a good ten minutes.
During that ten minutes the baby kept screaming and older child had now wound the window down and was shouting 'mummy' out of it.
I then spotted the security guard from Boots and told him and the shop worker he was stood in what was going on. 'Not again?' was the reply.
Wait, WHUT?
Oh yes, apparently people do this all the time. They leave what is supposed to be precious to them at risk.
Now, I don't like to judge people. Not on who they are, their sexuality, race, lifestyle choices, well anything really. I actually pride myself on being non judgemental.
But it seems that I have limits. And that limit was reached today.
Leave small children in a car in a car park on their own while you do your shopping? I am going to judge the fucking shit out of you.
I hate to play into paedophile hysteria and I know that human beings are most at risk in their own homes, but anything could have happened to those kids. Sometimes they do get snatched. Older child had managed to wind the window down. What if he had got out of the car and got knocked over?
Why take the risk?
I was even more furious when said parent (it was a woman in the end) came out to hear what the fuss was about as shop worker was not being discreet about her anger and security guard was on the radio summoning site security.
'They prefer to be left in the car' she said.
Fucking REALLY???????
I lost my shit.
I pointed out that her kids were screaming for her while she swanned around doing her shopping. I told her that anything could have happened to them especially while older child had the window wound down. I asked how the baby had articulated that it would prefer to be left in the car. Clever baby that.
I tried to stay calm but there may have been some shouting. Shop worker looked pleased that she was getting a telling off and security guard looked like he was ready for a fight to break out.
She seemed quite taken aback. She adopted a 'don't judge me' look. Not sorry, I am judging the hell out of you. Not for thinking that it would be easier to pop into the shop without your kids. It would. Not for looking pissed off at being caught out. Though that would be fair. But for leaving human beings, small human beings who your ONLY FUCKING JOB is to protect and keep safe to fend for themselves.
Fuck you. Fuck you and your prioritising buying wrapping paper over the safety of your children. I am always gonna judge you for that.
Wednesday, 6 November 2013
On The Need To Set Boundaries
Been working on boundaries for a couple of weeks now. Setting them, respecting them, enforcing them.
Things, people, have been getting on top of me lately. I am an open person with a lot of love to give but sometimes I just need a break to look after me, you know?
I had this one guy who I met on Twitter. I bumped into him at a conference. He recognised me and grabbed me for a hug and kissed me on the cheek. I had NO IDEA who he was. It was a bit creepy to say the least. After that he would say things on Twitter then send me a direct message asking if he deserved a hug for being a good ally.
(HINT: if you are being a feminist ally to get hugs off women you need to examine yourself very closely. In the face. With a chair.)
I ignored these messages and thought him a bit weird but harmless.
Out of the blue he messaged me on facebook to tell me he liked to cross dress. Fine. Good for you buddy. He then started calling me sis. Asking me to validate him as a woman. I wasn't overly comfortable with this but I didn't really make a fuss about it as he didn't seem to be doing anything wrong. I just had a feeling of discomfort.
(HINT: I do not exist to validate anyone. It is not my role in life. I am not the fucking Goddess of Validation.)
It got worse. He would message me on facebook ALL THE TIME and expect immediate replies. He liked and commented on everything I did and then would send me a message asking if he was a good ally.
(HINT: No. Now fuck off.)
I started to get a bit freaked out. I needed to him to back off. I needed to set a boundary.
Did I send him a message asking him to back off? No. I just defriended him.
I've not always been very good at this you see.
I wasn't taught as a child that I could say no. I wasn't taught that it was ok to set boundaries and enforce them.
I was that child who was made to give the creepy uncle a kiss even if I didn't want to. I was the child who was made to sit on the paedophile step dad's knee and parade up and down aged 12 in his prison shirt and high heels. (The heels were mine, not his). I was the child who believed the ice cream man who molested me that my mum would be angry if I didn't let him touch me as I had never learned otherwise.
I never knew how to set boundaries.
I'm getting better at it though. I will say no to a hug off someone who offers if I am not comfortable and I will hurt anyone who just grabs one without permission.
I will say if someone is needing too much from me when I don't have the headspace.
I will point out to someone who I hear is telling people that she has been busy groping me and will get a snog off me that I am not interested and tell them that they are no longer welcome in my personal space.
I will establish and enforce boundaries. Because you know what? I sometimes have to look after me or I can't look after everyone else.
And you don't have a RIGHT to my time, attention or personal space. These are things I give freely when I can and feel comfortable in doing so.
So, did creepy guy take the hint?
Did he fuck.
He tried to re add me on Facebook. I declined. He tried to join a closed group I am a member of, obviously not realising I am an admin. Again, declined.
I blocked him on Twitter and felt a lot better.
THEN HE STARTED FOLLOWING THIS BLOG.
He won't be able to read this as I have now blocked him from here too because for fuck's sake. How much fucking ENTITLEMENT to me do you think you have? Take a hint. The fact that he cannot respect that I need to have him out of my internet space means that I was right to set and enforce a boundary with him.
And he has given me the strength to do so with others.
Personal space both physically and mentally are vitally important. We must teach this to our children and remember that they are autonomous beings who do not exist to be things we are entitled to.
Teach them well that they can say no and encourage and praise them when they enforce their own boundaries.
It is a skill they will thank you for.
Things, people, have been getting on top of me lately. I am an open person with a lot of love to give but sometimes I just need a break to look after me, you know?
I had this one guy who I met on Twitter. I bumped into him at a conference. He recognised me and grabbed me for a hug and kissed me on the cheek. I had NO IDEA who he was. It was a bit creepy to say the least. After that he would say things on Twitter then send me a direct message asking if he deserved a hug for being a good ally.
(HINT: if you are being a feminist ally to get hugs off women you need to examine yourself very closely. In the face. With a chair.)
I ignored these messages and thought him a bit weird but harmless.
Out of the blue he messaged me on facebook to tell me he liked to cross dress. Fine. Good for you buddy. He then started calling me sis. Asking me to validate him as a woman. I wasn't overly comfortable with this but I didn't really make a fuss about it as he didn't seem to be doing anything wrong. I just had a feeling of discomfort.
(HINT: I do not exist to validate anyone. It is not my role in life. I am not the fucking Goddess of Validation.)
It got worse. He would message me on facebook ALL THE TIME and expect immediate replies. He liked and commented on everything I did and then would send me a message asking if he was a good ally.
(HINT: No. Now fuck off.)
I started to get a bit freaked out. I needed to him to back off. I needed to set a boundary.
Did I send him a message asking him to back off? No. I just defriended him.
I've not always been very good at this you see.
I wasn't taught as a child that I could say no. I wasn't taught that it was ok to set boundaries and enforce them.
I was that child who was made to give the creepy uncle a kiss even if I didn't want to. I was the child who was made to sit on the paedophile step dad's knee and parade up and down aged 12 in his prison shirt and high heels. (The heels were mine, not his). I was the child who believed the ice cream man who molested me that my mum would be angry if I didn't let him touch me as I had never learned otherwise.
I never knew how to set boundaries.
I'm getting better at it though. I will say no to a hug off someone who offers if I am not comfortable and I will hurt anyone who just grabs one without permission.
I will say if someone is needing too much from me when I don't have the headspace.
I will point out to someone who I hear is telling people that she has been busy groping me and will get a snog off me that I am not interested and tell them that they are no longer welcome in my personal space.
I will establish and enforce boundaries. Because you know what? I sometimes have to look after me or I can't look after everyone else.
And you don't have a RIGHT to my time, attention or personal space. These are things I give freely when I can and feel comfortable in doing so.
So, did creepy guy take the hint?
Did he fuck.
He tried to re add me on Facebook. I declined. He tried to join a closed group I am a member of, obviously not realising I am an admin. Again, declined.
I blocked him on Twitter and felt a lot better.
THEN HE STARTED FOLLOWING THIS BLOG.
He won't be able to read this as I have now blocked him from here too because for fuck's sake. How much fucking ENTITLEMENT to me do you think you have? Take a hint. The fact that he cannot respect that I need to have him out of my internet space means that I was right to set and enforce a boundary with him.
And he has given me the strength to do so with others.
Personal space both physically and mentally are vitally important. We must teach this to our children and remember that they are autonomous beings who do not exist to be things we are entitled to.
Teach them well that they can say no and encourage and praise them when they enforce their own boundaries.
It is a skill they will thank you for.
Friday, 25 October 2013
On Climbing Out Of The Black Dog Hole
*big stretch*
First post in a while this. Might take me some time to get back into it. That I am being distracted by Turkish and Bricktop being ridiculously cute isn't helping but I'll live with that.
So why away so long and what to write about now I am able to put fingers to keyboard?
How about why I was away.
Been having a bit of a bad time lately. Been very low. Very depressed. Nearly constantly triggered. It hasn't been fun. I went to the docs to ask for a week of and she gave me a month. I have been a big ball of unreleased rage and as usual was turning it in on myself. Not healthy but the only way I could let the rage go without lashing out at anyone.
I have a real temper you see. It is nasty and vindictive and though not physically violent, I will cut you down to a weeping, blubbering mess with my words. I'm good at it. And when I am in the midst of it, I enjoy it. And I hate it. So I keep it all inside as I wouldn't be able to deal with hurting anyone. I would hate myself for it and the whole nasty, self destructive cycle would begin again. So, because I can no longer go to the beach and scream at the sea I internalise it.
So what had me so bad? My life is good. I have The Lovely and the amazing Doodlebug and I love my work and I am studying a subject I am passionate about. I have brilliant friends and apart from a bit of low blood pressure I am in good physical health.
Weird how your brain doesn't think like that though. Funny how it will find the smallest thing to latch onto to make you freak out and convince yourself that you are a waste of a perfectly good existence.
For me there were a few things.
A random phrase.
I see so much stuff tagged with 'trigger warning' these days. I totally understand and appreciate the effort people go to hoping I won't be triggered but they can kind of miss the point. I am, as I have previously mentioned, a survivor of some pretty horrific abuse. Yet I can read about abuse and it won't trigger me. Even if it is the same kind of abuse I suffered. I can distance myself from it and it won't affect me.
Yet. Put something like 'there will be blood up the walls' on twitter and I find myself right back at age 14 at my dad's house in Trinidad cowering in fear as he beats up his girlfriend.
A song.
Lyrics that have been fine can send me into a spiral at no notice at all. Let You Go by Chase and Status had me frozen in my bed in tears absolutely CONVINCED that if I got out of it the Big Ex was going to get me. Once I came out of it with the help of the wife and processed it, I could listen to the song again with no ill effects. Weird how that happens, but I have a feeling I know why it did.
Big Ex has moved on and got a new girlfriend. Really happy for him. Seriously, I wish him all the luck and love in the world, but it seems he is building Deeva 2.0. It's fucking creepy how similar she is to me. But I'm over it now and saving up for a divorce.
A blog.
My wonderful Doodlebug blogged about their abuse. It was the first I had heard of most of it and it floored me. I totally support their right to do it and I am glad they did, but it left me a ball of unremitting rage that had nowhere to go.
My first instinct was to grab a baseball bat and start swinging. These FUCKERS PUT THEIR HANDS ON MY BABY!!! But that would have done no one any good and Doodlebug would have been left without their prime support while their mother was in prison.
Autumn.
I hate winter. Loathe it. Winter is a thing to be survived. Winter is what I emerge from. Loathe it. It is dark and cold and vitamin D deficient. I ache for the sun on my skin and a warm breeze. Winter gives me chapped lips and wet feet and cold everything. I cannot impress upon you enough how much I loathe it.
The only thing that is worse is autumn. Autumn is the transition time from the joy of summer to the loathing of winter. I have to put the flip flops away. I wake up in the dark. I get home from work in the dark. Everything is dark, including me. So this is never a good time of year. I put the fairy lights on in my bedroom and hope for the best.
I have always survived autumn and winter, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.
So I've been trying to get myself up. To make sure I don't press the self destruct button and wreck everything again. To actually talk about how I'm feeling. The anxiety. The depression. The suicidal ideation.
And it has worked to a certain extent, but there are other things that have helped.
The Lovely. He has been patient and kind and loving and actually made me believe that I deserve
him to be all of those things. It was him reaching out to hold my hand while he slept that kept me on this mortal coil this time and I love him to pieces just for being him.
Doodlebug. They are an inspiration to me. Their strength, their compassion and their laughter.
Turkish and Bricktop. Never underestimate the power of a small, fluffy animal to make you smile.
Knitting. Yes really. Keeps my hands busy, my mind free and the blanket we are making together is growing as much as the love we are knitting into it.
Talking.
I've been talking about my mental health problems on twitter and facebook and have been astounded by the love, support and understanding I have had back.
And the encouragement when things have seemed at their darkest.
I have love. I receive love. I love.
At the end of the day it is what will keep me going.
I started the climb out of the hole that is a depressive episode, but when I looked up there were so many hands waiting to help me I couldn't help but jump up.
So that is where I have been and why.
I'm back now. Slowly getting my mojo back.
Hopefully I will be fully back on form soon and this blog will be it's usual ranty shouty place.
Until then, thank you all, every single one of you for every kind word and cyber hug. Especially those who knew I was ill before I did.
Love you all.
Deeva xxx
ANNOYINGLY BLOGGER IS NOT LETTING ME COMMENT ON MY OWN BLOG. THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO COMMENTS.
First post in a while this. Might take me some time to get back into it. That I am being distracted by Turkish and Bricktop being ridiculously cute isn't helping but I'll live with that.
So why away so long and what to write about now I am able to put fingers to keyboard?
How about why I was away.
Been having a bit of a bad time lately. Been very low. Very depressed. Nearly constantly triggered. It hasn't been fun. I went to the docs to ask for a week of and she gave me a month. I have been a big ball of unreleased rage and as usual was turning it in on myself. Not healthy but the only way I could let the rage go without lashing out at anyone.
I have a real temper you see. It is nasty and vindictive and though not physically violent, I will cut you down to a weeping, blubbering mess with my words. I'm good at it. And when I am in the midst of it, I enjoy it. And I hate it. So I keep it all inside as I wouldn't be able to deal with hurting anyone. I would hate myself for it and the whole nasty, self destructive cycle would begin again. So, because I can no longer go to the beach and scream at the sea I internalise it.
So what had me so bad? My life is good. I have The Lovely and the amazing Doodlebug and I love my work and I am studying a subject I am passionate about. I have brilliant friends and apart from a bit of low blood pressure I am in good physical health.
Weird how your brain doesn't think like that though. Funny how it will find the smallest thing to latch onto to make you freak out and convince yourself that you are a waste of a perfectly good existence.
For me there were a few things.
A random phrase.
I see so much stuff tagged with 'trigger warning' these days. I totally understand and appreciate the effort people go to hoping I won't be triggered but they can kind of miss the point. I am, as I have previously mentioned, a survivor of some pretty horrific abuse. Yet I can read about abuse and it won't trigger me. Even if it is the same kind of abuse I suffered. I can distance myself from it and it won't affect me.
Yet. Put something like 'there will be blood up the walls' on twitter and I find myself right back at age 14 at my dad's house in Trinidad cowering in fear as he beats up his girlfriend.
A song.
Lyrics that have been fine can send me into a spiral at no notice at all. Let You Go by Chase and Status had me frozen in my bed in tears absolutely CONVINCED that if I got out of it the Big Ex was going to get me. Once I came out of it with the help of the wife and processed it, I could listen to the song again with no ill effects. Weird how that happens, but I have a feeling I know why it did.
Big Ex has moved on and got a new girlfriend. Really happy for him. Seriously, I wish him all the luck and love in the world, but it seems he is building Deeva 2.0. It's fucking creepy how similar she is to me. But I'm over it now and saving up for a divorce.
A blog.
My wonderful Doodlebug blogged about their abuse. It was the first I had heard of most of it and it floored me. I totally support their right to do it and I am glad they did, but it left me a ball of unremitting rage that had nowhere to go.
My first instinct was to grab a baseball bat and start swinging. These FUCKERS PUT THEIR HANDS ON MY BABY!!! But that would have done no one any good and Doodlebug would have been left without their prime support while their mother was in prison.
Autumn.
I hate winter. Loathe it. Winter is a thing to be survived. Winter is what I emerge from. Loathe it. It is dark and cold and vitamin D deficient. I ache for the sun on my skin and a warm breeze. Winter gives me chapped lips and wet feet and cold everything. I cannot impress upon you enough how much I loathe it.
The only thing that is worse is autumn. Autumn is the transition time from the joy of summer to the loathing of winter. I have to put the flip flops away. I wake up in the dark. I get home from work in the dark. Everything is dark, including me. So this is never a good time of year. I put the fairy lights on in my bedroom and hope for the best.
I have always survived autumn and winter, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.
So I've been trying to get myself up. To make sure I don't press the self destruct button and wreck everything again. To actually talk about how I'm feeling. The anxiety. The depression. The suicidal ideation.
And it has worked to a certain extent, but there are other things that have helped.
The Lovely. He has been patient and kind and loving and actually made me believe that I deserve
him to be all of those things. It was him reaching out to hold my hand while he slept that kept me on this mortal coil this time and I love him to pieces just for being him.
Doodlebug. They are an inspiration to me. Their strength, their compassion and their laughter.
Turkish and Bricktop. Never underestimate the power of a small, fluffy animal to make you smile.
Knitting. Yes really. Keeps my hands busy, my mind free and the blanket we are making together is growing as much as the love we are knitting into it.
Talking.
I've been talking about my mental health problems on twitter and facebook and have been astounded by the love, support and understanding I have had back.
And the encouragement when things have seemed at their darkest.
I have love. I receive love. I love.
At the end of the day it is what will keep me going.
I started the climb out of the hole that is a depressive episode, but when I looked up there were so many hands waiting to help me I couldn't help but jump up.
So that is where I have been and why.
I'm back now. Slowly getting my mojo back.
Hopefully I will be fully back on form soon and this blog will be it's usual ranty shouty place.
Until then, thank you all, every single one of you for every kind word and cyber hug. Especially those who knew I was ill before I did.
Love you all.
Deeva xxx
ANNOYINGLY BLOGGER IS NOT LETTING ME COMMENT ON MY OWN BLOG. THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO COMMENTS.
Tuesday, 8 October 2013
Sex Workers ConsultationPaper.
NWF/21/13 NWF/21/13
Equality, Pay and Policy Department
TO: NATIONAL WOMEN’S FORUM
FROM: MARY DOOLIN
DATE: 18 SEPTEMBER 2013
SUBJECT: Sex workers consultation paper
The wording below will form the basis on a Branch Briefing which will be going to Branches in the next few days.
Background
At Annual Delegate Conference (ADC) 2012 the NEC was instructed to produce a discussion paper for branches to consult on this issue because PCS currently has no policy on the sex trade. This consultation took place in February 2013.
Consultation responses
Due to the low level of responses the consultation period was extended to 5 April 2013.
Again the response rate was low and insufficient to inform a decision, therefore the National Women’s Forum (NWF) agreed to wait until after ADC 2013 for further consultation.
At ADC 2013 the NEC was instructed to develop a policy regarding the treatment by the employer of members with secondary or prior work in the sex industry.
The NEC has instructed that a further discussion paper incorporating ADC 2013 policy is circulated for consultation.
Consultation document
ADC motion A27 (2012) and ADC motion A27 (2013) were referred to the NWF to make recommendations to the NEC regarding the contents of the consultation paper.
As a result, this paper has 5 main discussion areas that form the basis of the consultation:
1) Is sex work a trade union issue?
2) Should sex workers be considered as workers and have employment rights?
3) Should trade unions organise sex workers?
4) Should PCS support the criminalisation of purchasers and/or providers of sexual services?
5) Should PCS develop a policy regarding the treatment by the employer of members with secondary or prior work in the sex industry?
To reaffirm, PCS is undertaking this consultation because some of our members are affected by these issues, and because the union has no current policy in this area. The union is not considering directly organising sex workers.
After consulting with members, Branches are asked to forward responses to the National Executive Committee (NEC) by no later than 18 October 2013, c/o equality@pcs.org.uk.
The NEC will review the outcome of the consultation at the meeting in December and consider how to take the issue forward.
Please circulate the attached document to members and ask for responses so these can be fed back to the NEC for consideration.
NWF/21/13 NWF/21/13
Equality, Pay and Policy Department
TO: NATIONAL WOMEN’S FORUM
FROM: MARY DOOLIN
DATE: 18 SEPTEMBER 2013
SUBJECT: Sex workers consultation paper
The wording below will form the basis on a Branch Briefing which will be going to Branches in the next few days.
Background
At Annual Delegate Conference (ADC) 2012 the NEC was instructed to produce a discussion paper for branches to consult on this issue because PCS currently has no policy on the sex trade. This consultation took place in February 2013.
Consultation responses
Due to the low level of responses the consultation period was extended to 5 April 2013.
Again the response rate was low and insufficient to inform a decision, therefore the National Women’s Forum (NWF) agreed to wait until after ADC 2013 for further consultation.
At ADC 2013 the NEC was instructed to develop a policy regarding the treatment by the employer of members with secondary or prior work in the sex industry.
The NEC has instructed that a further discussion paper incorporating ADC 2013 policy is circulated for consultation.
Consultation document
ADC motion A27 (2012) and ADC motion A27 (2013) were referred to the NWF to make recommendations to the NEC regarding the contents of the consultation paper.
As a result, this paper has 5 main discussion areas that form the basis of the consultation:
1) Is sex work a trade union issue?
2) Should sex workers be considered as workers and have employment rights?
3) Should trade unions organise sex workers?
4) Should PCS support the criminalisation of purchasers and/or providers of sexual services?
5) Should PCS develop a policy regarding the treatment by the employer of members with secondary or prior work in the sex industry?
To reaffirm, PCS is undertaking this consultation because some of our members are affected by these issues, and because the union has no current policy in this area. The union is not considering directly organising sex workers.
After consulting with members, Branches are asked to forward responses to the National Executive Committee (NEC) by no later than 18 October 2013, c/o equality@pcs.org.uk.
The NEC will review the outcome of the consultation at the meeting in December and consider how to take the issue forward.
Please circulate the attached document to members and ask for responses so these can be fed back to the NEC for consideration.
Equality, Pay and Policy Department
TO: NATIONAL WOMEN’S FORUM
FROM: MARY DOOLIN
DATE: 18 SEPTEMBER 2013
SUBJECT: Sex workers consultation paper
The wording below will form the basis on a Branch Briefing which will be going to Branches in the next few days.
Background
At Annual Delegate Conference (ADC) 2012 the NEC was instructed to produce a discussion paper for branches to consult on this issue because PCS currently has no policy on the sex trade. This consultation took place in February 2013.
Consultation responses
Due to the low level of responses the consultation period was extended to 5 April 2013.
Again the response rate was low and insufficient to inform a decision, therefore the National Women’s Forum (NWF) agreed to wait until after ADC 2013 for further consultation.
At ADC 2013 the NEC was instructed to develop a policy regarding the treatment by the employer of members with secondary or prior work in the sex industry.
The NEC has instructed that a further discussion paper incorporating ADC 2013 policy is circulated for consultation.
Consultation document
ADC motion A27 (2012) and ADC motion A27 (2013) were referred to the NWF to make recommendations to the NEC regarding the contents of the consultation paper.
As a result, this paper has 5 main discussion areas that form the basis of the consultation:
1) Is sex work a trade union issue?
2) Should sex workers be considered as workers and have employment rights?
3) Should trade unions organise sex workers?
4) Should PCS support the criminalisation of purchasers and/or providers of sexual services?
5) Should PCS develop a policy regarding the treatment by the employer of members with secondary or prior work in the sex industry?
To reaffirm, PCS is undertaking this consultation because some of our members are affected by these issues, and because the union has no current policy in this area. The union is not considering directly organising sex workers.
After consulting with members, Branches are asked to forward responses to the National Executive Committee (NEC) by no later than 18 October 2013, c/o equality@pcs.org.uk.
The NEC will review the outcome of the consultation at the meeting in December and consider how to take the issue forward.
Please circulate the attached document to members and ask for responses so these can be fed back to the NEC for consideration.
NWF/21/13 NWF/21/13
Equality, Pay and Policy Department
TO: NATIONAL WOMEN’S FORUM
FROM: MARY DOOLIN
DATE: 18 SEPTEMBER 2013
SUBJECT: Sex workers consultation paper
The wording below will form the basis on a Branch Briefing which will be going to Branches in the next few days.
Background
At Annual Delegate Conference (ADC) 2012 the NEC was instructed to produce a discussion paper for branches to consult on this issue because PCS currently has no policy on the sex trade. This consultation took place in February 2013.
Consultation responses
Due to the low level of responses the consultation period was extended to 5 April 2013.
Again the response rate was low and insufficient to inform a decision, therefore the National Women’s Forum (NWF) agreed to wait until after ADC 2013 for further consultation.
At ADC 2013 the NEC was instructed to develop a policy regarding the treatment by the employer of members with secondary or prior work in the sex industry.
The NEC has instructed that a further discussion paper incorporating ADC 2013 policy is circulated for consultation.
Consultation document
ADC motion A27 (2012) and ADC motion A27 (2013) were referred to the NWF to make recommendations to the NEC regarding the contents of the consultation paper.
As a result, this paper has 5 main discussion areas that form the basis of the consultation:
1) Is sex work a trade union issue?
2) Should sex workers be considered as workers and have employment rights?
3) Should trade unions organise sex workers?
4) Should PCS support the criminalisation of purchasers and/or providers of sexual services?
5) Should PCS develop a policy regarding the treatment by the employer of members with secondary or prior work in the sex industry?
To reaffirm, PCS is undertaking this consultation because some of our members are affected by these issues, and because the union has no current policy in this area. The union is not considering directly organising sex workers.
After consulting with members, Branches are asked to forward responses to the National Executive Committee (NEC) by no later than 18 October 2013, c/o equality@pcs.org.uk.
The NEC will review the outcome of the consultation at the meeting in December and consider how to take the issue forward.
Please circulate the attached document to members and ask for responses so these can be fed back to the NEC for consideration.
Friday, 4 October 2013
On PCS Sex Worker Policy UPDATED
Are you a PCS member?
Remember Resolution A27 from Conference? The one that asked us to consult about a sex worker policy?
You know, the one where I thundered that a worker was a worker was a worker?
Well, here is my Branch response to the 5 questions the consultation paper asked. Massive thanks to Dr Ana Lopes from UWE Bristol for her help with this.
Now that I have the full consultation paper here I am reproducing the whole repsonse document, INCLUDING all that we thought wrong with the paper in the first place.
I would be very grateful if you could get your Branches to respond too. The response needs to go to equality@pcs.org.uk by 18th October
Remember Resolution A27 from Conference? The one that asked us to consult about a sex worker policy?
You know, the one where I thundered that a worker was a worker was a worker?
Well, here is my Branch response to the 5 questions the consultation paper asked. Massive thanks to Dr Ana Lopes from UWE Bristol for her help with this.
Now that I have the full consultation paper here I am reproducing the whole repsonse document, INCLUDING all that we thought wrong with the paper in the first place.
I would be very grateful if you could get your Branches to respond too. The response needs to go to equality@pcs.org.uk by 18th October
- Branch Response to SW policy paper.
Consultation Document on A27, a response
The document has been obviously had a good amount of work invested in it. Unfortunately in an effort to not offend anyone from either side of the argument on this it patently fails to address and confront the deeper issues. There are time and again an implied gender bias across the document that this is only a women’s issue, it applies only to those who were born a woman and not those who have transitioned from one gender to another and that any woman who chooses to be a SW can only be doing so under duress from an influencing male. This is seen in information presented in support and opposition of the view of whether or not there should be a policy. (capital P below means page)
P5 implied gender bias, it implies with some of the language used (particularly in para 2) that it is only women (and women who are of an age to consent) that this impacts. It also implies by omission that this is only a heterosexual issue (although later does address that sexual orientation identity and practise may not be the same, but does not expand on this or explain why men may have sex with men but identify as heterosexual etc). It would be beneficial that in future work like this that because of an unconscious bias of many readers, that they should specifically state that SW are not limited to women, who were women at birth but that it is an issue for women, men, this who are or have transitioned gender, who are heterosexual, homosexual and any SO in between.
Paragraph 3 on P5 coyly avoid any strong language in regard to illegal trafficking of people and that this is effectively slavery and could/should/must be viewed differently from and not confused with those who have freely consented to participate as a SW
P8 you should define LGBT and not assume that everyone understands what is meant by it, even amongst PCS branches. It is important to not confuse sexual orientation (LGB) with gender transition, change or non-binary status that may be considered by the individual to place them within the Trans community (T). This paragraph garbles the situation.
P9 ‘men enter sex work for different reasons’ from who? ‘Come from different backgrounds’ from who? ‘Have different life experiences’ from who? ‘Not all male sex workers have support needs’ but all women do? Why is there such an explicit gender bias? Is this evidenced??
P10 information presented seems to seek to confuse not inform any decision, is this actually relevant at this point? Is there information missing to lead into and clarify this information?
P11 4th question, seems to be very one sided in presentation. What is the GMB experience of organising SW? What are GMB Sisters experience of organising with SW? Why is it not here?
P12-14 Seems to be situation and fact and an absence of consideration that SW are people and this section feels like SW are objects not people, I’m sure that this is an unintended consequence in presenting the evidence without any emotional bias.
P15 second bullet point;- ‘yet women, trans, male…’ Trans what? Trans it vans??? Those who have undergone or are undergoing gender transition are people not objects. This and every other use of ‘trans’ must be in future modified to acknowledge that they are people by simply saying ‘trans people’ (or in specific cases ‘trans woman’ or ‘trans man’). It implies an unconscious bias against LGBT people that Trans and LGB SW are to be objectified and dehumanised (same at 6th bullet point). There may be an implied unconscious bias here to demonstrate the argument against SW and that they are exploited people, but if your argument is thus, please be explicit.
Now to the questions
Is sex work a trade union issue?
Yes. Sex work has been hotly debated within feminism of the 1st and 2nd waves – therefore, it became seen as largely a feminist, gender issue. However, sex worker voices have changed the picture and reclaimed the labour character of their activity.
Sex workers themselves have demanded union representation and membership as a basic labour right.
Sex work isn’t unique in the way that they face exploitation, violence and or abuse. There are plenty of industries that face these but already have trade union representation and protection.
There are many similarities between sex work and other work. It is work and therefore a trade union issue. This is also about equality and equality should be the cornerstone of every trade union.
Health and safety being one of the other cornerstones must be relevant to sex work, especially regarding HIV/AIDS. Trade unions have an important role to play here.
Should sex workers be considered as workers and have employment rights?
If we accept as above that sex work is a trade union issue then yes, sex workers should be considered workers. Dismissing the whole industry as abuse is patronising and denies the lived experience of sex workers who chose to be in the industry. Situations where people are forced into commercial sexual activities should be dealt with as abuses and are already covered by law. Not making a distinction between forced and consensual sex work means that resources that should be channelled to prevent and deal with real abuses are being wasted.
Abuses faced by sex workers are the same abuses that are faced by other vulnerable workers in low status jobs in the informal economy and yet we wouldn’t question whether cleaners, bar staff etc are actually workers and ‘deserve’ employment rights.
The title is in the name. Sex workers. And workers should have employment rights.
Should trade unions organise sex workers?
Yes. In fact there are already unions that do organise these workers. GMB and Unite have sex worker branches. There is also the International Sex Workers Union (ISWU). Also unions organise already in Argentina, Germany, the Netherlands and Greece.
There is a temptation to make judgement calls on the type of sex work. It isn’t all about prostitution, it includes chat lines, sauna, pornography, massage parlours, the list is endless. It could even include being an Ann Summers representative.
The temptation is to decide that certain sex work is more acceptable than other types. I have heard that we can support people working on chat lines but not those working in rape porn. This is naivety at work and a lack of understanding about separating the work from the worker. No one would say that we shouldn’t organise traffic wardens or tax officers as they recognise that while they may loathe the work they do that there are workers attached to the work and these workers need the unions.
A worker is a worker is a worker. And workers need to be unionised.
Should PCS support the criminalisation of purchasers and/or providers of sexual services?
In short, no. Criminalising purchasers (clients) would only move the problems to other areas and push sex workers to more isolated areas making them even more vulnerable. The Swedish model where they criminalised everything shows that this would be the case. Sex workers would be even harder to reach by support services. As the demand went up and the supply became less prices would rise. Sex workers would lose time to negotiate safe sex and assess the client. The police get tip offs about abuse and bad practice from purchasers and they would be far less likely to come forward with information about trafficking etc if they were further criminalised.
Criminalisation will only deter the ‘nice’ clients, not the nasty ones. This becomes a health and safety in the workplace issue as the nasty ones are less likely to use condoms and are more likely to be abusive and put sex workers in physical danger.
The same kind of danger that seeing sex work as ‘wrong’, ‘bad’ or dirty puts sex workers in. There is a feeling that sex workers need ‘rescuing’ from their lives. Where this will be the case when sex workers are being abused, as already mentioned, those cases should be dealt with under the law on abuse (Offenses Against a Person Act 1981) and should not be informing the debate on whether or not a person who willingly undertakes sex work should be persuaded because of moral judgements not to do so.
Nor is it just austerity that ‘forces’ people into sex work. Anecdotally there are plenty who don’t go into sex work to pay the bills but to go on holiday, festivals etc. We must get away from the moral judgements and see this as work. Criminalisation will not end sex work. It is called the oldest profession for a reason and is a growing industry.
We have to protect and not demonise the workers.
Should PCS develop a policy regarding the treatment by the employer of members with secondary or prior work in the sex industry?
Yes. This is trade unionism 101. It should always be that we protect and support workers. Unsure as we are about whether it needs a separate policy, sex work should not be seen as bringing the department into disrepute and all other conduct and discipline policies should cover this aspect of other work.
We already have policy that says that members have to get permission to do other work outside the department. Members engaged in sex work may well fall foul of this. Hence it is vital that PCS has policy on sex work and sex workers so that we may properly protect and support our members that take part in it.
Wednesday, 2 October 2013
Thursday, 26 September 2013
On Being More Than An Incubator
I'm getting on a bit.
I'm 43 and my kids are of an age to have children of their own. None of them have expressed an interest in doing so, but they are, well, old enough.
I got asked the other day about my kids, their ages, genders, plans to procreate. I replied that I have 3 kids of varying ages and genders and that none of them seem interested in children.
Apparently, this is a 'shame'. Not for the boys, but for my daughter person. The head tip, the pitying look, the reassurance that she'll change her mind in time. The insistence that being a grandparent is the most rewarding thing you can do.
Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. Face.
Firstly, why is it not a 'shame' that my boys aren't bothered? Ah yes, because boys. Because women are merely producers of children. It is abnormal if a woman doesn't want children isn't it? Dangerous thinking.
Women making their own choices about what they want with their lives? What are we to do? Where will it all end?
WHO WILL THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?
You know what? Maybe the daughter person will change their mind. Maybe they won't.
But why is no one saying this about my boys? Why is it that they can only think that women must want children otherwise what is she for? Why 'she might change her mind' and not 'they might change their minds'? Men can not want children and nobody bats an eyelid. A woman? There must be something wrong with her if she doesn't want to reproduce.
UGH.
But here is the thing. It will be their choice. If I have grandchildren, great. If I don't, then also great. I value my kids as more than baby producers. I value them for the people they are now, not for the progeny they may produce.
I love them for the human beings they are, for their intellect, for their huge capacity for love. In their own right.
Women, you are more than an incubator. If you decide to have children I support you. If you choose to be child free (not child less) then I support you.
Men. You get off easy on this. Again.
Patriarchy innit.
I'm 43 and my kids are of an age to have children of their own. None of them have expressed an interest in doing so, but they are, well, old enough.
I got asked the other day about my kids, their ages, genders, plans to procreate. I replied that I have 3 kids of varying ages and genders and that none of them seem interested in children.
Apparently, this is a 'shame'. Not for the boys, but for my daughter person. The head tip, the pitying look, the reassurance that she'll change her mind in time. The insistence that being a grandparent is the most rewarding thing you can do.
Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. Face.
Firstly, why is it not a 'shame' that my boys aren't bothered? Ah yes, because boys. Because women are merely producers of children. It is abnormal if a woman doesn't want children isn't it? Dangerous thinking.
Women making their own choices about what they want with their lives? What are we to do? Where will it all end?
WHO WILL THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?
You know what? Maybe the daughter person will change their mind. Maybe they won't.
But why is no one saying this about my boys? Why is it that they can only think that women must want children otherwise what is she for? Why 'she might change her mind' and not 'they might change their minds'? Men can not want children and nobody bats an eyelid. A woman? There must be something wrong with her if she doesn't want to reproduce.
UGH.
But here is the thing. It will be their choice. If I have grandchildren, great. If I don't, then also great. I value my kids as more than baby producers. I value them for the people they are now, not for the progeny they may produce.
I love them for the human beings they are, for their intellect, for their huge capacity for love. In their own right.
Women, you are more than an incubator. If you decide to have children I support you. If you choose to be child free (not child less) then I support you.
Men. You get off easy on this. Again.
Patriarchy innit.
Tuesday, 17 September 2013
SLAM! Celebrating 25k.
To celebrate getting my 25 thousandth page view (OMG GUISE THANK YOU!) I thought I would do something a little bit different.
This blog was always supposed to be about things I love as well as a place to talk/rant about feminism and one of the things I love is poetry.
Slam poetry in particular.
It is so angry and raw and pure. It makes me cry. Happy, righteous, FURIOUS tears! And it makes me laugh. Bitter, recognition laughs.
So to celebrate I thought I would share my current favourites with you. Feel free to add more you think I might like.
This is the one I found recently. It deals with education about rape and made me sob with how powerful it is.
It is called 'One Color'.
And then we have Katie Makkai with 'Pretty'. This one makes me want to punch the air as she totally dissects beauty standards,
Then there is this. Two angry, young black women calling out appropriation of their culture. Not comfortable for some but truth bombs are hitting their mark left right and centre.
Last but at no means least is the poem that started me on the journey.
This was my first exposure to slam poetry and I thank @midweshtener for it from the bottom of my heart.
Sonya Renee. What Women Deserve.
So, what does my choice of poetry say about me. That I will always believe in education, choice, intellect being more important than 'beauty' and that voices should and will always be raised to fight for those things.
Thanks again everyone who puts up with my ranting... See you at 50k xxx
This blog was always supposed to be about things I love as well as a place to talk/rant about feminism and one of the things I love is poetry.
Slam poetry in particular.
It is so angry and raw and pure. It makes me cry. Happy, righteous, FURIOUS tears! And it makes me laugh. Bitter, recognition laughs.
So to celebrate I thought I would share my current favourites with you. Feel free to add more you think I might like.
This is the one I found recently. It deals with education about rape and made me sob with how powerful it is.
It is called 'One Color'.
And then we have Katie Makkai with 'Pretty'. This one makes me want to punch the air as she totally dissects beauty standards,
Then there is this. Two angry, young black women calling out appropriation of their culture. Not comfortable for some but truth bombs are hitting their mark left right and centre.
Last but at no means least is the poem that started me on the journey.
This was my first exposure to slam poetry and I thank @midweshtener for it from the bottom of my heart.
Sonya Renee. What Women Deserve.
So, what does my choice of poetry say about me. That I will always believe in education, choice, intellect being more important than 'beauty' and that voices should and will always be raised to fight for those things.
Thanks again everyone who puts up with my ranting... See you at 50k xxx
Saturday, 7 September 2013
Deeva by Gaslight
Here we go again. Another post. third in two days. You can tell that I am happy that my wrist is healed enough for me to write again and that I have had a lot on my mind.
This one is gonna be a whole heap of personal again. People who actually know me in real life will probably know who I am talking about, but fuck it. Silent no more.
Deep breath Deeva.
I read this today on gaslighting. It proper made me lose my breath. The author of the piece talked about the intentional gaslighting to highlight the unintentional. Powerful stuff. If you haven't yet, you should really read it.
It brought up all sorts of feelings in me. Memories became clearer and I recognised the full extent of what had happened to me. Was a real shock and I have been mulling this post since then.
Oh for fuck's sake Deeva, get on with it!
I have been gaslighted. By people who were supposed to love me. All my life it would seem, though to varying degrees. In what would seem an attempt to control me and keep me down. It bloody worked an all. For years and years. It clouded my image of myself. It clouded my judgement of who I was and it left me easier prey for others to do it too.
So, how to get it all out?
One bit at at time I suppose.
Mum. I know what you did and why. I know that you couldn't bear me to be me as I was, in your eyes, wild and uncontrollable. I know that this is why you would ignore me most of the time and talk about me like I wasn't there even when I was.
I know that you told everyone that they should feel sorry for me and watch out for me as I had no personality of my own and would leech theirs from them. I know you did this to keep me isolated and lonely because you were so scared I would speak up about the abusive shit I was going through.
I know that you hid money and when I found it and returned it that you managed to convince me that I had stolen it in the first place because you knew that I was bad at handling guilt and that I would be frozen and pliable.
When I had a baby to escape, I know that you told me that my son's grandparents had told you that they hated having me living with them because I was so lazy and useless so that you could make sure that I couldn't be comfortable anywhere and you could keep that control. I know you lied about that one because years later I actually asked them and their faces were more believable than your gaslighting.
For years after the first dissociative episode I had (remember that? Two weeks of rocking in the foetal position where you wouldn't call a doctor and you let my sister spit on me and kick me) I truly believed I had shingles. For me to convince the school that's why I was off, I had to be convinced myself.
No more. The 12 years in which we haven't spoken have been better because you weren't in them. And you never will be again.
First husband. What a dick you were. Sleeping with other men literally the whole time we were together and making me think it was all in my head. Just so I could continue being your beard. The thing you hid behind. How many rational explanations did you have for the gay porn? How many times did the phone ring and cut off when I answered?
And yet you made me think it was all in my head.
How many years did you allow your brother to bully me and spy on me before I finally got a moment of clarity?
And the fixing of the bathroom scales so that I would feel fatter than I was and not go looking elsewhere? Yeah, I know you did that too. You made it so that I had no identity outside of you. You were my only mirror and the image I saw of myself reflected in you made me feel worthless.
And you told the children that you weren't controlling it was that I had gone wild. Off the rails.
Well fuck you.
What I had done is broken out of your control. How I found the strength I don't know, but I'm glad I did. Even though you took everything from me, I survived and got stronger. Fuck you.
Big Ex. I escaped you too and am finally happy.
For years I thought I was, but your gaslighting was stealthy. It crept up on me and nearly destroyed me.
I know now that you were petrified of losing me, that you were terrified that with my ever increasing responsibilities with the union that I would outgrow you. But you know what? If you had just told me that instead of making me feel like shit, we might have got through it. There are moments now that I know were just designed to hold me back.
Like when I used a long word in front of our friends and was asked what it meant. 'That she is getting ideas above her station.' was your reply.
Like when you had me convinced that you were acting in my best interests when you told me that our friends only tolerated me because I was with you. That they thought I was boring and all I talked about was PCS. That they thought I was talking down to them.
None of this was true. But you had me convinced it was.
We weren't having sex because I had something to prove. We were having sex because I had something to prove.
I was going mental and I didn't know what I was talking about. Of course you told me about going to your mum's. Of course you did. I must have just forgotten. Or, and here is the ultimate one, I was trying to drive YOU mad by pretending that you hadn't.
Oh what a head fuck you were.
And when I finally got some help. Finally got someone who made me realise that I was intelligent and capable and NICE and convinced me to go and see a doctor as they recognised the symptoms of depression, when I FINALLY did that and got on the anti depressants that I dreaded having to take because YOU said they would change me.
Then. Up it ramped. You tried to convince me that I was a different person. That I was capable of horrible things. That the bullying I was getting at work was my fault. That the panic attacks were because of the dreadful person I was and how I couldn't face her.
You would scream at me for hours then deny doing so. Straight faced. I had no idea what was going on apart from the fact that I had some clarity for the first time in years.
Enough clarity that I could see you for what you were. A controlling, gaslighting piece of shit.
Fuck you.
So, what was the point of writing this post? Why do this now?
It's so I can impart this message.
It isn't you. It's them.
Never again.
Run. Be safe. Be happy.
This one is gonna be a whole heap of personal again. People who actually know me in real life will probably know who I am talking about, but fuck it. Silent no more.
Deep breath Deeva.
I read this today on gaslighting. It proper made me lose my breath. The author of the piece talked about the intentional gaslighting to highlight the unintentional. Powerful stuff. If you haven't yet, you should really read it.
It brought up all sorts of feelings in me. Memories became clearer and I recognised the full extent of what had happened to me. Was a real shock and I have been mulling this post since then.
Oh for fuck's sake Deeva, get on with it!
I have been gaslighted. By people who were supposed to love me. All my life it would seem, though to varying degrees. In what would seem an attempt to control me and keep me down. It bloody worked an all. For years and years. It clouded my image of myself. It clouded my judgement of who I was and it left me easier prey for others to do it too.
So, how to get it all out?
One bit at at time I suppose.
Mum. I know what you did and why. I know that you couldn't bear me to be me as I was, in your eyes, wild and uncontrollable. I know that this is why you would ignore me most of the time and talk about me like I wasn't there even when I was.
I know that you told everyone that they should feel sorry for me and watch out for me as I had no personality of my own and would leech theirs from them. I know you did this to keep me isolated and lonely because you were so scared I would speak up about the abusive shit I was going through.
I know that you hid money and when I found it and returned it that you managed to convince me that I had stolen it in the first place because you knew that I was bad at handling guilt and that I would be frozen and pliable.
When I had a baby to escape, I know that you told me that my son's grandparents had told you that they hated having me living with them because I was so lazy and useless so that you could make sure that I couldn't be comfortable anywhere and you could keep that control. I know you lied about that one because years later I actually asked them and their faces were more believable than your gaslighting.
For years after the first dissociative episode I had (remember that? Two weeks of rocking in the foetal position where you wouldn't call a doctor and you let my sister spit on me and kick me) I truly believed I had shingles. For me to convince the school that's why I was off, I had to be convinced myself.
No more. The 12 years in which we haven't spoken have been better because you weren't in them. And you never will be again.
First husband. What a dick you were. Sleeping with other men literally the whole time we were together and making me think it was all in my head. Just so I could continue being your beard. The thing you hid behind. How many rational explanations did you have for the gay porn? How many times did the phone ring and cut off when I answered?
And yet you made me think it was all in my head.
How many years did you allow your brother to bully me and spy on me before I finally got a moment of clarity?
And the fixing of the bathroom scales so that I would feel fatter than I was and not go looking elsewhere? Yeah, I know you did that too. You made it so that I had no identity outside of you. You were my only mirror and the image I saw of myself reflected in you made me feel worthless.
And you told the children that you weren't controlling it was that I had gone wild. Off the rails.
Well fuck you.
What I had done is broken out of your control. How I found the strength I don't know, but I'm glad I did. Even though you took everything from me, I survived and got stronger. Fuck you.
Big Ex. I escaped you too and am finally happy.
For years I thought I was, but your gaslighting was stealthy. It crept up on me and nearly destroyed me.
I know now that you were petrified of losing me, that you were terrified that with my ever increasing responsibilities with the union that I would outgrow you. But you know what? If you had just told me that instead of making me feel like shit, we might have got through it. There are moments now that I know were just designed to hold me back.
Like when I used a long word in front of our friends and was asked what it meant. 'That she is getting ideas above her station.' was your reply.
Like when you had me convinced that you were acting in my best interests when you told me that our friends only tolerated me because I was with you. That they thought I was boring and all I talked about was PCS. That they thought I was talking down to them.
None of this was true. But you had me convinced it was.
We weren't having sex because I had something to prove. We were having sex because I had something to prove.
I was going mental and I didn't know what I was talking about. Of course you told me about going to your mum's. Of course you did. I must have just forgotten. Or, and here is the ultimate one, I was trying to drive YOU mad by pretending that you hadn't.
Oh what a head fuck you were.
And when I finally got some help. Finally got someone who made me realise that I was intelligent and capable and NICE and convinced me to go and see a doctor as they recognised the symptoms of depression, when I FINALLY did that and got on the anti depressants that I dreaded having to take because YOU said they would change me.
Then. Up it ramped. You tried to convince me that I was a different person. That I was capable of horrible things. That the bullying I was getting at work was my fault. That the panic attacks were because of the dreadful person I was and how I couldn't face her.
You would scream at me for hours then deny doing so. Straight faced. I had no idea what was going on apart from the fact that I had some clarity for the first time in years.
Enough clarity that I could see you for what you were. A controlling, gaslighting piece of shit.
Fuck you.
So, what was the point of writing this post? Why do this now?
It's so I can impart this message.
It isn't you. It's them.
Never again.
Run. Be safe. Be happy.
Dear Sisters, Catcalling Is Not A Compliment
Dear sisters,
I recently wrote a post on how catcalling is based on male privilege. It was pretty well received apart from one man who told me that I was wrong, and he wished he had time to tell me where I was going wrong.
Bless him for thinking I gave a fuck about what he thought.
But I digress.
The other type of response I got was from women telling me how sad they were that other women they knew saw this type of attention as a compliment. Sad indeed.
So I thought, in the spirit of sisterhood that I would write directly to you and explain why it isn't something you should be embracing or celebrating.
Are you a thing? No, me neither. However, that is what you are being seen as when someone shouts, whistles or clicks their tongue at you. They do not see you as the wonderful complex human being that you are. They don't care about your personality, your foibles, your hopes and dreams. They just see you as a piece of meat. One that they feel entitled to treat as they wish. An object. A thing.
Is it a compliment when you get leered at? Is this what you really think is happening? That they are so struck by your beauty that they cannot help themselves?
Think again. That kind of thinking plays right into victim blaming rape culture. It is the same kind of thinking that leads to the idea that it is the fault of women when they get raped because the poor little men cannot help themselves. If only women would cover up/wear flat shoes/not ever go out/stop being so damn sexy all the time then men would be able to go about their merry way and not harass them in the street.
Just no.
Also, when you seek your validation in the voice of men you are playing straight into the hands of unattainable beauty standards perpetuated by the patriarchy. To illustrate, if they shout you are sexy then you will continue to have pressure put on you to stay sexy. If they say you are ugly then you will always be trying to 'better' yourself so that they think you are worthy of being called sexy.
Really? To please the kind of man who thinks it's ok to shout out of a window at someone? Really?
If you get shouted at when pregnant (as I did, I didn't look pregnant from the back) this is not a compliment but a sad indictment of a society that thinks a woman is a breeding machine and cannot be seen as anything but 'mother' when she decides to carry a pregnancy. Don't believe me? Quickest way to get rid of these assholes is to turn round and show your bump. Watch them flee in a flash of disgust and horror that they might have encroached on someone who has already been claimed by another man. Other Man has planted his seed in you. Other Man owns you. Must not try and take what belongs to Other Man.
Here is a newsflash, you are still you when pregnant. You are more than an incubator and the idea that you would be grateful that someone can see this then that truly makes me sad.
Sisters, the same women who are being shouted at as they walk down the street are the same women who are being raped, tortured and killed by their partners. Two of them a week. Partly because they are used to being seen as a thing. A possession. Chattel.
If a man comes up to you and asks if it is ok to talk to you and takes no for an answer without calling you a bitch, a cunt, uptight, frigid, a slut, a whore then he probably isn't the kind who catcalls.
If he is, then he really shouldn't be the type of man you seek validation from.
Stay safe and stay strong.
Your sister,
Deeva xx
Friday, 6 September 2013
On Cat Calling And Male Entitlement
Got whistled at and cat called out of a van today. Happens quite a lot. Usually I just flip them the bird and yell fuck off as they go past, but today was different.
Today the van was keeping a walking pace with me because of slow traffic.
And that made me feel more vulnerable.
I hated that feeling of vulnerability. Hated the idea that these two asshole men would get more of a chance to try to engage me. That short of stopping or going a different way, I had no escape.
I wasn't going to do either of these things as fuck it, I shout the fuck back, so I girded my loins and kept going.
So here's how it went down.
First, the wolf whistle. Which I ignored. I'm not a fucking dog. I do not come when called.
Then the 'oi! Darling! Come here!'. Oh yes, you fuckwad, that is going to work. I'm a veritable puddle of vaginal moisture at being shouted at like a thing. Move over in your van so I can get in and run away with you and have all of teh sexeh timez.
That got a disdainful look and a calm fuck off from me.
Then, inevitably, the abuse started. Apparently my reluctance to engage in dialogue with this epitome of genteel good manners means I am a bitch. From darling to bitch in five seconds and all because I don't respond well to being ordered about by strangers.
Then, in a moment of lucidity, the driver says 'look mate, she's wearing a ring. Off limits.'
I was fucking furious on so many levels. Most of them to do with male entitlement.
Firstly, how dare they think it ok to whistle at me like I'm a THING? But that's ok, I'm just a woman. The fact that I ignored it so was obviously not comfortable in being directly in the male gaze with no route of escape mattered not to them. They were entitled to my attention. They demanded it. And wouldn't take no for an answer.
How dare they then order me to talk to them? To act as if I had no independent agency. And to expect me to comply, and when I didn't, to call me a bitch. A bitch for not playing into their entitled fucking hands.
And to then let me go because I wear a ring? How fucking entitled do you have to FEEL to goad me and insult me even when I am making it more than clear that I am not interested then stop because of your perception that I BELONG TO ANOTHER MAN?!?
How dehumanised are women to you?
So, men in the van, be very pleased that the lights changed at that point and you could drive off. It meant that your van didn't get a Deeva shaped foot print in the side while I screamed at you. I hope you at least heard that, though I doubt that you did over your laughter.
And fuck you. Fuck you very much. It is NOT a compliment. It does NOT just happen to the 'pretty' ones. It is unwelcome, unwanted, unwarranted and leaves me unwavering in my fight against male entitlement.
Friday, 30 August 2013
Oh Just Fuck Off (Or, Why I Blog)
Been physically unable to blog for the past couple if weeks due to an injured wrist. (freak trapeze accident...don't ask) I still shouldn't be typing so am doing this off my phone with my thumb, coz you know what? It turns out I NEED to blog. Blogging keeps my temper and thus my kill rate down. It's a public service really. It means that loud chewers and people who play music on their phones without headphones live to annoy another day.
So, it's been doing my head in that I haven't been able to use my rage outlet.
I have taken ALL OF THE PAINKILLERS and am going to attempt to list the things that have had me crying because of the stupid.
Feminists. For fucks sake, enough already! We are not, and should not be a homogeneous block. We have different experiences and different outlooks. I loathe TERFS with every fibre of my being but have realised that no amount of pointing out that every woman, regardless of gender assignment at birth is my sister is going to change their minds. I only have so much energy and I intend to use it smashing patriarchy. Join me. Please. Let the TERFS implode on themselves. I'll keep up the dialogue with the Trans* INCLUSIONARY rad fems and keep some of my sanity.
Music snobs. You can fuck off an all. Yeah, I'm looking at you Mumford haters. They're not my cup of tea either but slagging them off does not make you look cool. It makes you look like an asshole. Stop it.
Ditto white, middle class, cishet women who are so riddled with guilt at their 'privilege' that they feel the need to call everyone out on it on others' behalf. It's patronising and annoying. Stop it. Go do your storify/wank into a mirror/whatever. Just don't do it on my behalf. Newsflash. Just because you may know a bisexual woman of colour it does NOT give you the right to speak for us.
Miley Cyrus. You go girl. You want to twerk away like a Lidls version of Madonna you go for it. You wanna do it naked I am not gonna judge you. You wanna break out from the innocent little girl role that got you all those fans and all that money while playing into the hands of patriarchal ideals of purity then you do it. Not gonna pretend/assume you did it for the sisterhood, but a woman doing her thing? Always gonna support that.
Oh, Ed Miliband. You did the right thing over Syria. Showed some backbone and leadership. You played a blinder. Now let's see what your Syria plan is regarding peacekeeping and aid. And if you could do some more opposing, you know, over the economy and public sector cuts that would be good too.
Think party politics was the winner in the Syria vote? Fuck off. We still need to do something as human beings. That thing just didn't have to be missiles.
Equilibrium is being restored again. The rage beast is becalmed and my teeth have stopped grinding themselves to dust.
Time for a post blog ciggy and a cuppa.
See you all soon xxx
Monday, 12 August 2013
Feminist, Ally Or Cunt. Which One Are You?
Had a busy lunchtime debating what makes a man a feminist.
Is it as simple as declaring 'I am a feminist!'?
I wish that declaring something made it true. I'd declare myself a mermaid, a dragon, a lottery winner! The possibilities are endless.
But no. It isn't that easy.
So, can men be feminists? I think they can. There are those who disagree, and that is their right. I don't define feminism for them and they don't define it for me.
This is what is so marvelous about feminism. It's a broad spectrum where ideas are constantly evolving, where debates are constantly happening and minds are constantly expanding.
So yes, I do think men can be feminists.
However, most of them aren't.
Why? Because only someone who has total understanding of how internalized patriarchy holds everyone down can truly be a feminist. In my opinion.
But how can you tell?
Ever see a female mountain climber and think it wasn't fair on her kids? Not a feminist.
Ever think *for even a second* that a victim of abuse asked in some small way for it? Not a feminist.
Use the word cunt as an insult? Nope, not a feminist.
Think it's ok to make sweeping statements about women then excuse it by saying 'this goes for men too!' Hate to break it to you. Nope. Not a feminist.
Now. Here is the biggy.
If a woman calls you out for being a sexist and you shout that you're a feminist and believe in equal rights, then gather women to say that they agree with you then act all smug and suggest that the woman who called you out is the problem rather than LISTENING to WHY that woman found what you said unacceptable. If you refuse to debate and learn something, whether you agree or not, then guess what?
Not. A. Feminist.
The best that you can hope is that with some education you may end up being a feminist ally.
Though until you learn to listen and support women in the way *they* want, you won't be a very good one.
One thing you're not though is a cunt.
Coz THAT is misogynist.
Monday, 5 August 2013
On Standing Up For LGBT Rights In Russia
Please see below message from PCS Proud
#IAmGay
PCS Proud is the self organising arm of PCS union and has recently released a statement condemning the LGBT oppression in Russia with the full support of our national committee.
We believe this is not enough. We have a 'Proud to…' campaign slogan that is currently underused.
We all have things that we are Proud To… Be out for equal marriage, support public services, believe in equality… You know the kind of thing.
In order to fight the oppression of our brothers and sisters on our European doorstep and also any of our members visiting Russia we believe an organised campaign is needed. We have decided to run a social media campaign.
Saying 'I am gay' in Russia could end in a custodial sentence. Tourists even are being beaten and arrested. We cannot allow this to stand. We believe sending the message that the rest of the world wants the basic human freedom to say 'I am gay' is essential. We will therefore be sending pictures of LGBT and non-LGBT members, their friends and family, and hopefully organisations holding up an A4 placard saying 'Proud to say, Mr Putin, I am gay'.
It doesn't have to be fancy, something handwritten in marker pen will do, but please add your voice to ours.
You don't have to be LGBT to take part. Think Spartacus. If we all say 'I am gay' then how will they know who to really target?
You don't even have to tweet it from your own account if anonymity is an issue. Just email your photo to russia@pcsproud.org.uk and we will tweet it for you with no name attached.
If you are happy to tweet this yourself then please send it to @KremlinRussia_E copy in @PCS_Proud and use the hashtag #IAmGay.
We ask for your support and would be thankful of any pictures of anyone we can get who is Proud To… fighting with us in this simple gesture.
Also, a cheeky RT or a share would be much appreciated. As would you putting this on your own blogs as a guest post.
Let's get this shared far and wide. Let's be Proud To… stand united!
In Solidarity
PCS Proud National Committee
Saturday, 27 July 2013
On Shouting The Fuck Back
I'm a rare creature me. I'm an online feminist who doesn't get many trolls. It's weird because I hang out on Twitter with feminists who do.
I have a pretty healthy number of followers, I get quite a few RTs and my ranty, sweary, angry blog has a pretty good readership.
Yet they tend to leave me alone.
DON'T FEED THE TROLLS is the number one hint when you join Twitter. Ignore them and they will go away. Which is fine of course if that's what you want to do.
Except.
You wouldn't do that in real life would you?
Well, you might, but I certainly don't.
If someone is being sexist, I call them on it. If someone is being racist, I call them on it. Same for homophobia, transphobia, paedo or rape jokes.
I don't accept the excuse that it's banter. I don't accept that they're too old, from a different time, that they're really nice except for their views.
But back to the trolls.
What will I get from arguing back with them, feeding them when they start with their shit?
Not likely to change the mind of a keyboard misogynist/racist/homophobe am I? They will still be in their pants, drooling over the insults they type with their Wotsit stained fingers. So what is the point?
It is this.
Why the fucking FUCK should I be the bigger person? Why the fucking FUCK should I rise above it? Why the fucking FUCK should I not call these assholes out online the same way I do in real life?
No reason at all.
@ccriado-perez is on day two of misogynist abuse and rape threats because she dared to lead a campaign to keep women on banknotes.
Asking her not to feed the trolls is akin to blaming a woman who wears a short skirt for rape*.
Fuck. That.
I will #shoutthefuckback. Not just on my behalf, but every time one of my sisters is threatened or abused either on Twitter or IRL.
I will continue to #shoutthefuckback for as long as.it takes to name and shame the fucking online cowards who are so full of privilege that they think they can get away with this shit.
There has been a call to boycott Twitter on 4th Aug and leave it to.the trolls.
Good on ya if that's what you want to do.
I'll be staying to #shoutthefuckback.
Who's with me?
*thanks to @jokbristol for the analogy.
Thursday, 25 July 2013
On Invalidating Experiences
There seems to be a trend at the moment of excusing behaviour and shutting down debate by starting a sentence 'as a...'
As soon as I see it I (to borrow a phrase from @spaceviolin) nope the fuck out of there.
It irritates the living fuck out of me.
Intersectional feminism means recognising others experiences and seeing how they intersect with your own and the struggle at large.
Much like 'check your privilege' it is supposed to open debate, not stifle it.
And here is another thing. Just because YOU don't find something offensive, it doesn't mean I won't.
Even if we have had similar experiences.
Rape survivor who doesn't get offended at people being 'fraped' on Facebook? Good for you. In a world where lads mags banter about rape, where you could buy a keep calm and rape her t-shirt, where women are objects to be cat called, groped, raped and then blamed for it, I have a zero tolerance for it.
Woman of colour who thinks Jane Austen on a banknote is an insult? You are entitled to your opinion. Just don't lump me in with it as I happen to think we should be celebrating every victory. Even, especially the small ones.
'as a mother...' NOPE! I've had three of the little darlings and they don't come with a manual OR a magical insight spell.
'as a white man...' fuck nope.
You get the drift.
I'll try not to invalidate your experiences if you try not to speak for mine.
As human beings I think we can manage that.
Monday, 22 July 2013
On Why I Joined The Labour Party
Just got back from Tolpuddle Martyrs Festival.
While I was there I joined the Labour party.
Didn't think I'd ever do it, but I did. Regular readers of my blog know of my absolute contempt for Ed Miliband. My absolute disdain for his politics, his kill em slower policies and his neo liberal bullshit.
It's been coming a while. There have been plenty of debates. A couple of guest posts...
What I wanted was a new workers party, however, TUSC are a joke. This is a real shame for something that showed so much promise. Also a shame that they spend more time on Twitter having a go at those with a different view than actually coming up with strategy. I don't like like bickering, I don't like bullying and I'm not quite ready to drink the Kool Aid.
So, did I join Labour because I love the leadership and everything they stand for?
Fuck no.
I've joined because I want my party back. I've joined because I believe in community organising from the bottom up.
I've joined because the strategy of getting trade unionists into decision making positions intrigues me and I want to help make it work.
I've joined because snarking from the sidelines isn't going to achieve anything.
I've joined because I believe in people like my friends Dawn Poole and Tanya Palmer who are working hard to make things better for the working classes. Brilliant strong women who are taking the fight and making it relevant and dammit I want to help.
I don't want a new workers' party.
I want the one that's already there to represent me.
Monday, 15 July 2013
On Misogyny Towards Young Mothers
I woke up in a really good mood today. The sun was shining and The Lovely was smiling.
I'm fucking FURIOUS now.
Apparently, to qualify for any benefits teenage mothers will have to either live with their parents or in a supported hostel.
I'll just let that sink in for a moment.
Got it? Shaking your head and wondering why I'm so angry? Seems a good idea on the surface right? Let's give young mothers more support to raise the young 'uns so they don't turn into criminals right?
Wrong.
And here's why.
This is an attack on women.
Don't believe me?
To think this is a good idea means you buy into the narrative that all teenage mothers are bad at being mothers. That all of their mothers were good at being mothers and something went awry with the little darlings which meant they went and got pregnant in the first place.
It means that you buy into the narrative of these young women being sluts who are just having babies to get social housing.
It means that you buy into the narrative that we absofreakinglutely must 'do something' about this scourge. This underclass of chavvy girls with their big hoop earrings and their Superdry hoodies with their snotty nosed chavvy babies yelling 'Tyler come here!' on the bus.
No. Just no.
This equates to fucking internment of young women. It is the ultimate control. Either live where we tell you or you and your spawn will starve.
But, but, this will be a deterrent from them having babies, I hear you cry!
No. Just no.
Proper sex education. Growing up in a society where they are valued, where they value themselves. Where they are taught about self respect and self esteem alongside contraception. This is what women need.
Even then 'accidents' will happen. There have always been unplanned pregnancies. Abortion on demand is a better idea than punitive measures surely?
Are we absolutely sure that the family home is the best place for these young women? Mine wasn't. I got pregnant to help me escape an abusive environment. That and I wanted someone to love me.
And what support hostels?
I had my first child at 17 and though he didn't come with a manual I am proud of the man he is. Of the human being that he is.
This is an attack on women. On the way society thinks of them and on how we treat them.
Still not sure?
'Serial teenage fathers to have their benefits stopped.'
Said no one ever.
Sunday, 14 July 2013
On Being Furious At People Missing The Fucking Point
I was a bit hot and bothered last night and it made me grumpy. The Lovely was sleeping but I was too restless. Then I saw something on Twitter that pissed me the fuck off so I went on a bit of a rant using the hashtag #missingthefuckingpoint.
I thought I'd reproduce and add to it here. Explaining the things that made me so angry. It wasn't all on the one day, this had been coming a while and it felt good to get that rage out.
Buckle up, this is going to be a bumpy ride. Here we go...
'Not all men are sexist assholes. Some of us are trying to do the right thing and get you the equality you want'
No. Equality is mine by right, not because I want it. You want to be a good feminist ally? Listen and understand that by choice or not you are part of the patriarchy that damages us all. I'm sure you are a nice guy but being all defensive about your gender is not forwarding making that gender unimportant.
If you try to tell me that not all men are sexist assholes you are #missingthefuckingpoint
The campaign to keep women on banknotes. Yes, I know there are other fish to fry but actually this is important to people. We are capable of campaigning on more than one issue at a time you know. Try actually taking five minutes to sign the bloody petition rather than snarking from the fucking sidelines and coming up with bullshit reasons why this isn't important. Besides,
Yes, I do understand that the queen is a woman and on every banknote #missingthefuckingpoint
Bloody rape culture and victim blaming gets everywhere. Despite the fact that a woman is more likely to be raped by a partner in her own home or by someone else she knows than being snatched off a dark street. I have written about this at length and I suppose I will keep doing so till it stops.
If you think that women are more in danger of rape while wearing revealing clothes #missingthefuckingpoint
Tell you who isn't though, the amazing End Victim Blaming campaign. They are making the point over and over again. Click on the link anyone who thinks any blame at all should rest with the abused. Go on, educate yourself. And keep that victim blaming shit the fuck out of my face.
Oh yes, while I'm at it, EVERY woman, regardless of gender assignment at birth is my sister. That is it. Not difficult. If you identify as a woman you are a woman. I don't fucking CARE what you have between your legs. I will defend your right to equality.
Claim to be a feminist and yet exclude trans* women? #missingthefuckingpoint
This one should be self explanatory really. Can't believe I have to say it. My body, my choice.
If you think abortion should only be available in cases of incest or rape #missingthefuckingpoint
Don't even think about telling me that women have equality. Don't even think that. Don't say that. Don't even allude to it. I will kick your fucking deluded ass while I explain how we don't.
I see my sisters all over the world being denied autonomy and being treated like chattel. Think I won't be angry? #missingthefuckingpoint
I'm also sick and tired of the division that means the Tories and Lib Dems are able to decimate a society I was once proud of. We will never defeat them if we spend our time being the People's Front of Judea or the Judean People's Front. It's pathetic and it turns people off. The very people who we need to be our army are waiting in the wings to fight while we argue about which strategy is the right one while excluding all the others. Here's an idea, how about we actually fucking unite and realise we have a common cause and merge the strategies where possible for maximum effect?
If you are a left winger spending time provoking and berating other left wingers then guess what... #missingthefuckingpoint
This one took a few to get across. Being a feminist to me is about choice. Not being part of an army with a uniform. It is about the individuals coming together for a common cause. I can't stand the idea that if I don't dress a certain way, look a certain way, have a body hair then I can't be a 'proper' feminist.
If you grow your leg/armpit hair because that's what feminists do #missingthefuckingpoint
Be hairy or smooth. Makes no odds to me but if you do either to conform to an ideal then you are #missingthefuckingpoint
One of my followers put it better than me. She has a protected account so I won't publish her name but she was bang on!
doing shit to fit an ideal is absurd to me. Doing what makes you happy is the way forward.
This last section was about my utter fucking contempt for those against Equal Marriage. What business is it of yours what people do? How the fuck does it impact on your marriage if I wed a woman? Keep the fuck out of my business and I will stay out of yours.
Think that what consenting adults do in the bedroom is any of your damn business then you are definitely #missingthefuckingpoint
This, from the amazing @midweshtener.
If you berate or disdain other folk for life choices that have absolutely no impact on you, you may well be #missingthefuckingpoint
And this from me.
If your god is more important to you than the people around you then you are #missingthefuckingpoint
Rage expelled for a while I went to sleep.
Then.
I woke up to the news that George Zimmerman has been acquitted for the murder of Trayvon Martin. Not exactly a shock to be honest to wake up to the news that Black American's sons can now be hunted down and killed with impunity.
However.
If you think that the potential for a riot after this verdict is the biggest threat then you are royally missing the fucking point.
The biggest threat is that the verdict will create more George Zimmermans.
*sigh* I lost Twitter followers after my rant last night but I refuse to apologise. When the world stops making me angry I will stop ranting. I will live in a world where race, sexuality, gender, disability, none of that shit will make a difference.
But that isn't today, and I can't see it being any time soon so I will continue to speak my truth.
If you think I won't or that I give a flying fuck of what you think of me for doing so then you are MISSING THE FUCKING POINT.
Friday, 12 July 2013
On Political Survival Of Trade Unions
Welcome second guest post in a week on what the TU movement should do about Labour.
This time from @PhoenixHeartist
I've been meaning to blog about this for a week now. So thanks to Goddessdeeva for the invite to guest blog, it made it feel more exciting and I'm getting this down in an excited geeky way!
Listening to 'Any Questions' on BBCR4 regarding the Falkirk incident (#Unigate???) on Saturday 6 th July made me feel angry. I had to turn it off. Labour Party, What Labour Party?? The fact that the panel couldn't get half their facts right (Who is Ken McCluskey? Is he in Unison? Er no..) shows how little they really know and care about trade unions and the movement. As long as you can cause public outrage and take a pot-shot at the unions, well all good I suppose. Never let the facts get in the way of a good witch-hunt, huh?
In fact I wonder who has a more transparent way as to how donors are recorded in their party. Well it must be that prim and proper Conservative party. I mean, they wouldn't ever be hypocrites, would they? Noooooooooo.
Ed Milliband is conveniently falling into the Tory trap, become more like them by leaving the pesky working and middle class workers out of the big conversations. The Tory tactic of splitting communities (strivers vs skivers, everyone else vs civil servants, claimants vs taxpayers) against against each other is to stop us working together. Turn your back on us, Ed, those within your own party will still stab you when opportunity knocks.
So what options are trade unionists left with? I only see realistically three options on the table:
A) EVERY trade union member joins the 'Labour' Party. Take the power back, put the 'OUR' back in Labour. 6.5 million voters. 6.5 million voices, etc. Squeaky Bum territory in Whitehall, perhaps.
B) EVERY trade union member who is in the Labour party leaves. Start our own party. The ultimate withdrawal of support. You don't represent us any more, we'll call you 'LabTHEM'. We'll take our subs and go home to start out own gang.
C) Whinge and the actually do nothing really constructive at all.
The thing is, our opposition (which includes the likes of Milliband and Balls, et al.) are counting on us not being organised, being divisive, separating into the likes of the People's Front of Judea, Judean People's Front, etc. If we aren't organised they can fob us off and follow their agenda. We, the people are being ignored. There are currently three conservative parties out there, one wears blue, one wears yellow, one wears red. Three parties- one outdated tune. It's like the Austerity Borg have already assimilated Parliament, sorry, I mean the House of Privilege.
Austerity, be it Austerity light, is still a form of giving justification to mass deconstruction of our welfare system, health service and well, actually anything you've possibly ever known that is state owned. But nobody cares right? Right?? Sorry, I still can't hear you protesting from under the bed.
A march is not going to solve this, a bus is not going to solve this. Even a one day coordinated general strike isn't going to solve this. If it doesn't fit the media machine agenda, it won't get much of a mention.
The New Labour regime has lost many hardcore Labour voters, and well they don't care about that. They really don't. We need to make them care. Not all of Labour is dead or dismissive to its past. Values are still there in those who haven't shamefully discarded all trace of representation of workers and their rights in lieu of bright lights big business and starry eyed face time on the big screen. AND they never punished the bankers. The current lot NEVER will.
Back to the options then, which suits best?
A) Well, if EVERY trade union member joined the Labour party to "Take the power back" we'd have an unprecedented voice in modern politics. One member, one vote. Approx 6.5 million people to guide a party to represent them. Wow! That would certainly put the cat amongst the pigeons. Vote out all the Austerity, pro- banker loving "shortcuts and soundbytes politicians" in the party and restore the core values to a once proud party. Sounds blooming good. Maybe it's not realistic to get everyone on board but even if just 20% of the 6.5 million TU members did this, we'd have 1.3 million members. Let's tell labour to close the tax gap, get the money to pay for the things we need for a prosperous society. And a HELL NO! to the Bedroom Tax. Heck, I can hear the voices of the ghosts of former Labour leaders jumping for joy at the mere mention of this ^_^ And let's not forget there are those in the Labour party who feel just as abandoned but still keep plugging on trying to get their voice herd. Not everyone in the upper echelons is a radical -privatising, billionaire courting, shareholder of shame. Not all of them.
B) Okay so we decide Labour is too broke to fix. We start our own party. All of us. Think of it as the TUC as a political party if you will. With actual power, voice in parliament (2015?). Member led politics with leaders who have to represent the majority view of the party, not just because one person who makes large donations has a word in your ear. We could take the concept of the People's Assembly to a higher level. OUR own party, again. However, what would we be? Socialist, Democratic, Socialist Workers, Just Trade Unionist.... Answers on a postcard please.
C) We continue to do what we've been doing. Get angry, but do nothing truly constructive with that energy. Hold protest meetings in darkened rooms to preach to the converted, where no one else can see or hear it. Drive a bus, go on a march. Well, look where that's got us so far. The mainstream media ain't interested in it. Social media is not even 50-50 with it. Apathy is winning. Yep, it's really going so well isn't it...
Personally, right now, I'd go for option A. It's not going to be easy, but standing around, letting Labour ignore the working class, piss on its roots and take above inflation pay rises whilst inflicting financial misery on the masses has to be one of the lowest points in the labour movement. They only shamefully hijack other groups protests if they think it's a vote winner (Bedroom Tax, etc.) Option B is more idealistic than achievable right now in my opinion and would mean abandoning the good people that are still there within the party. Option C is where we already are. If we choose to keep doing this, go ahead, whinge again and again. I'll be one of the ones not listening to you any more.
WE CAN BE SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS. BELIEVE. DREAM. DO !
Suggested listening: Rage Against the Machine "Take the Power Back" and "Wake Up" ;-)
Peace, joy, light and much love
♥ Phoenix Amethyst ~ The Heartist ♥
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