On Climbing Out Of The Black Dog Hole

*big stretch*

First post in a while this. Might take me some time to get back into it. That I am being distracted by Turkish and Bricktop being ridiculously cute isn't helping but I'll live with that.

So why away so long and what to write about now I am able to put fingers to keyboard?

How about why I was away.

Been having a bit of a bad time lately. Been very low. Very depressed. Nearly constantly triggered. It hasn't been fun. I went to the docs to ask for a week of and she gave me a month. I have been a big ball of unreleased rage and as usual was turning it in on myself. Not healthy but the only way I could let the rage go without lashing out at anyone.

I have a real temper you see. It is nasty and vindictive and though not physically violent, I will cut you down to a weeping, blubbering mess with my words. I'm good at it. And when I am in the midst of it, I enjoy it. And I hate it. So I keep it all inside as I wouldn't be able to deal with hurting anyone. I would hate myself for it and the whole nasty, self destructive cycle would begin again. So, because I can no longer go to the beach and scream at the sea I internalise it.

So what had me so bad? My life is good. I have The Lovely and the amazing Doodlebug and I love my work and I am studying a subject I am passionate about. I have brilliant friends and apart from a bit of low blood pressure I am in good physical health.

Weird how your brain doesn't think like that though. Funny how it will find the smallest thing to latch onto to make you freak out and convince yourself that you are a waste of a perfectly good existence.

For me there were a few things.

A random phrase.

I see so much stuff tagged with 'trigger warning' these days. I totally understand and appreciate the effort people go to hoping I won't be triggered but they can kind of miss the point. I am, as I have previously mentioned, a survivor of some pretty horrific abuse. Yet I can read about abuse and it won't trigger me. Even if it is the same kind of abuse I suffered. I can distance myself from it and it won't affect me.

Yet. Put something like 'there will be blood up the walls' on twitter and I find myself right back at age 14 at my dad's house in Trinidad cowering in fear as he beats up his girlfriend.

A song.

Lyrics that have been fine can send me into a spiral at no notice at all. Let You Go by Chase and Status had me frozen in my bed in tears absolutely CONVINCED that if I got out of it the Big Ex was going to get me. Once I came out of it with the help of the wife and processed it, I could listen to the song again with no ill effects. Weird how that happens, but I have a feeling I know why it did.

Big Ex has moved on and got a new girlfriend. Really happy for him. Seriously, I wish him all the luck and love in the world, but it seems he is building Deeva 2.0. It's fucking creepy how similar she is to me. But I'm over it now and saving up for a divorce.

A blog.

My wonderful Doodlebug blogged about their abuse. It was the first I had heard of most of it and it floored me. I totally support their right to do it and I am glad they did, but it left me a ball of unremitting rage that had nowhere to go.

My first instinct was to grab a baseball bat and start swinging. These FUCKERS PUT THEIR HANDS ON MY BABY!!! But that would have done no one any good and Doodlebug would have been left without their prime support while their mother was in prison.

Autumn.

I hate winter. Loathe it. Winter is a thing to be survived. Winter is what I emerge from. Loathe it. It is dark and cold and vitamin D deficient. I ache for the sun on my skin and a warm breeze. Winter gives me chapped lips and wet feet and cold everything. I cannot impress upon you enough how much I loathe it.

The only thing that is worse is autumn. Autumn is the transition time from the joy of summer to the loathing of winter. I have to put the flip flops away. I wake up in the dark. I get home from work in the dark. Everything is dark, including me. So this is never a good time of year. I put the fairy lights on in my bedroom and hope for the best.

I have always survived autumn and winter, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.

So I've been trying to get myself up. To make sure I don't press the self destruct button and wreck everything again. To actually talk about how I'm feeling. The anxiety. The depression. The suicidal ideation.

And it has worked to a certain extent, but there are other things that have helped.

The Lovely. He has been patient and kind and loving and actually made me believe that I deserve
him to be all of those things. It was him reaching out to hold my hand while he slept that kept me on this mortal coil this time and I love him to pieces just for being him.

Doodlebug. They are an inspiration to me. Their strength, their compassion and their laughter.

Turkish and Bricktop. Never underestimate the power of a small, fluffy animal to make you smile.

Knitting. Yes really. Keeps my hands busy, my mind free and the blanket we are making together is growing as much as the love we are knitting into it.

Talking.

I've been talking about my mental health problems on twitter and facebook and have been astounded by the love, support and understanding I have had back.

And the encouragement when things have seemed at their darkest.

I have love. I receive love. I love.

At the end of the day it is what will keep me going.

I started the climb out of the hole that is a depressive episode, but when I looked up there were so many hands waiting to help me I couldn't help but jump up.

So that is where I have been and why.

I'm back now. Slowly getting my mojo back.

Hopefully I will be fully back on form soon and this blog will be it's usual ranty shouty place.

Until then, thank you all, every single one of you for every kind word and cyber hug. Especially those who knew I was ill before I did.

Love you all.

Deeva xxx

ANNOYINGLY BLOGGER IS NOT LETTING ME COMMENT ON MY OWN BLOG. THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO COMMENTS.