I started running this week.
I signed up to run a 5k event in October too.
Those who know me in real life have been shocked, impressed and slightly suspicious as to who this body snatcher is inhabiting their friend.
I didn't do running. I wouldn't run for a bus. I wouldn't run for anything really. Not that I was lazy, though I was dreadfully unfit of course, but I just didn't do running.
Now I get up at 6am and go for a half an hour run with the aid of the Couch 2 5k programme.
Yep. You heard right. 6am. SIX. In the AM.
Those who know me in real life are again wondering if body snatchers like to get up early.
Believe me, nobody is more surprised about this than me.
But I am addicted. On rest days I am restless, waiting for the next time I get to put my trainers on and go for it.
So what caused the change?
I nearly died. I had pneumonia and nearly died. I ended up on death's door at Bristol Royal Infirmary with double pneumonia and asthma so severe I nearly died.
Do you know what that's like? To feel your life draining away because you can't get a breath? To know that unless you fight, I mean LITERALLY, fight for your life that everything you love is gone forever? Do you know how it feels to actually nearly give into the temptation to just let go? To just let yourself slip away and no longer be?
It's fucking scary.
So when I got out of hospital I stopped smoking, I started eating healthily and started walking more.
Then I got the urge to run.
I heard that exercise is good for depression. I think that if you manage to get out of bed with depression that you are already winning, but I have to say that on the days when I run I am happy. Really happy.
Knackered. But happy.
When I am out there I get strange looks sometimes. I could do with a sports bra to keep my jelly belly still to be honest as it slows me down a bit. I get honked at by van drivers, I get giggled at by dog walkers, this mad, beetroot coloured, sweating, panting woman who is trying to just run for one more minute. Just one more. Come on Deeva, you can do this. You can run for another minute...
There is also that sweet moment when the woman on your running app tells you RUN just as the bass drops on Flux Pavillion's Bass Cannon in your ears and that makes you feel invincible.
I go out really early and sometimes I worry about that. I am vulnerable to attack, to fat shaming, to the perception that if anything were to happen to me that I was asking for it (I wear VERY short shorts).
But I don't even care. I run.
And this is why I run.
At 6am the world belongs to me. I don't have to look good. I don't have to smell good. I just have to run.
I don't have to be polite to people I don't like. I don't have to be anyone at all. I just have to run.
I am not in competition with anyone. I am good enough. I am the best that I can be. I don't have to worry that anyone is judging me. I just have to run.
The wind is in my hair. I can hear my blood. I can feel the road through my feet. Water tastes like nectar. My breath is ragged then smooth. It is vital. I am alive. I am me. I am alive, alone, doing something that is just for me and nature is running with me, though me.
I am exhilarated. I am addicted to that exhilaration. I am a goddess.
I run.
Showing posts with label Rape Culture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rape Culture. Show all posts
Wednesday, 20 May 2015
Wednesday, 4 March 2015
On Consent - Guest Post
This guest post is anonymous for a reason. Enjoy is the wrong word. Read and weep. Better still, learn and teach.
On Monday the 2nd of March 2015 I was raped. I wasn’t down a dark alleyway. I wasn’t attacked. I wasn’t in any of the godawful stereotypical situations that society associates with being raped. I was celebrating a friend’s birthday at a club, I met somebody, we went back to my house. I repeatedly said that the invitation did not extend to a cosy conversation between his sexual organs and mine. When my vocalisations weren’t heard I said no. I said stop. Multiple times I said these words. I still wasn’t listened to. I lay there, staring at my ceiling (there’s a crack which I noticed and put getting it fixed on my mental to do list). Giving up my protestations, realising that it wasn’t going to stop and that no wasn’t going to be taken for an answer I waited for it to be over.
I didn’t scream. I didn’t shout. I didn’t fight. I said no and I wasn’t listened to. I was used as a vessel for his sexual gratification. A means to an end. I was the one left to deal with the consequences of his actions. I paid for emergency contraception and I will have to book an appointment for an STI check. I will do all this while he continues with his day to day life, perhaps not even recognising what he did.
I decided to write about this, not only to try and figure out my own feelings about it all but to tell people that rape, that non-consensual sexual acts, don’t always happen to people in the way television, films and the media would have you think. I haven’t cried. I haven’t shouted or screamed. I don’t even really dislike him, after all he seemed like a ‘nice’ enough guy for me to invite him back in the first place.
So I’m writing this partly as a tool to sift through my own feelings but also to demand a more open and realistic dialogue about consent and about rape culture.
After a couple of day’s reflection I’m bloody angry. I’m angry that I don’t feel comfortable taking this to the police, I’m angry that I’m sat here stewing and he probably has little recognition for what he’s even done, I’m angry that had this happened to me two years ago I wouldn’t have recognised it for what it was.
There is no right or wrong way for survivors to deal with this sort of situation. I want people who read this and who can potentially recognise that they have had a similar sexual experience to me, that they have nothing to feel guilty about. That if you didn’t really realise at the time that your voice wasn’t being listened to, that your body was being violated it’s not your fault. The blame is on the perpetrator.
The blame is on the patriarchy.
We live in a society where for centuries upon centuries men have been viewed as the gender with sexual desires that need to be sated at whatever cost. That women function as tools for their pleasure. This has changed somewhat over the last 50 years. People are actually open to discussing women’s sexuality, that women have sexual desires too, and despite some men not knowing the difference between a woman’s clitoris and her nose (jabbing is not a thing gents!), society as a whole realises that no matter your gender you can have lots of sexual desires or simply none at all.
As a society we recognise this but we don’t recognise the need for comprehensive education about consent from birth. As a society we don’t recognise that consent can be rescinded at any moment. That an invitation to my room is not an invitation into my vagina. It is these thoughts and attitudes that silence survivors, that make them even doubt what actually happened to them.
We blame the survivor. We tell them to be more careful, to not drink as much in future, to learn their lesson about bringing people they don’t know back to their house. When did it become okay to say this instead of insisting that people Do. Not. Rape. Of course, in an abstract way we all know this is wrong but a sense of entitlement makes perpetrators act differently.
We need to make sure that young boys and men know that pressuring a woman into having sex with them is not okay. That if someone says no once, they mean no. They should not have to repeat themselves. We need to make sure that young boys and men do not indulge in selective hearing. If your sexual partner says no or stop, guess what? You fucking well stop. If you then get angry because you’ve been told to stop and your pissed because you didn’t get to finish, take a step, raise your hand and slap yourself across the face hard because you’re being a douche and why would you even want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to anyway? Your male entitlement and what you perceive as your right to sexual gratification whenever and however you want does not outweigh, my feelings, my body and my right to say no at any point.
I’ve had conversations with women where they’ve had sexual experiences that they did not want to have. That they’ve felt guilty for not providing sex and so have done it anyway. This makes me sick. It makes me sick to think that my friends have done this, that our sisters, mothers and daughters may also have done this. That they’ve felt a man’s sexual desire has outweighed their right to say no. That they have felt bad for not wanting sex but have done it anyway.
Our conversations about consent in society have to change. We have to take the focus away from survivors and onto perpetrators. We need to be teaching our children consent, be talking to our teenagers about consent, be having a dialogue with our partners. We must talk about consent in our individual spheres but we must also demand that the rhetoric about consent and rape culture changes in the media and wider society. We must be demanding that our police service does not ask a survivor what they were wearing, how much they had to drink or doubting whether they gave consent or not. We must be demanding that people, our institutions and our government believe the survivor and vow to change our culture and societal attitudes towards rape and consent.
Rape doesn’t just happen to people in the dark as an attack. Rape is the result of a society which perpetuates ideas of male entitlement. It is not necessarily a pre-meditated act. It is an act where someone decides to, quite simply, not listen.
On Monday the 2nd of March 2015 I was raped. I wasn’t down a dark alleyway. I wasn’t attacked. I wasn’t in any of the godawful stereotypical situations that society associates with being raped. I was celebrating a friend’s birthday at a club, I met somebody, we went back to my house. I repeatedly said that the invitation did not extend to a cosy conversation between his sexual organs and mine. When my vocalisations weren’t heard I said no. I said stop. Multiple times I said these words. I still wasn’t listened to. I lay there, staring at my ceiling (there’s a crack which I noticed and put getting it fixed on my mental to do list). Giving up my protestations, realising that it wasn’t going to stop and that no wasn’t going to be taken for an answer I waited for it to be over.
I didn’t scream. I didn’t shout. I didn’t fight. I said no and I wasn’t listened to. I was used as a vessel for his sexual gratification. A means to an end. I was the one left to deal with the consequences of his actions. I paid for emergency contraception and I will have to book an appointment for an STI check. I will do all this while he continues with his day to day life, perhaps not even recognising what he did.
I decided to write about this, not only to try and figure out my own feelings about it all but to tell people that rape, that non-consensual sexual acts, don’t always happen to people in the way television, films and the media would have you think. I haven’t cried. I haven’t shouted or screamed. I don’t even really dislike him, after all he seemed like a ‘nice’ enough guy for me to invite him back in the first place.
So I’m writing this partly as a tool to sift through my own feelings but also to demand a more open and realistic dialogue about consent and about rape culture.
After a couple of day’s reflection I’m bloody angry. I’m angry that I don’t feel comfortable taking this to the police, I’m angry that I’m sat here stewing and he probably has little recognition for what he’s even done, I’m angry that had this happened to me two years ago I wouldn’t have recognised it for what it was.
There is no right or wrong way for survivors to deal with this sort of situation. I want people who read this and who can potentially recognise that they have had a similar sexual experience to me, that they have nothing to feel guilty about. That if you didn’t really realise at the time that your voice wasn’t being listened to, that your body was being violated it’s not your fault. The blame is on the perpetrator.
The blame is on the patriarchy.
We live in a society where for centuries upon centuries men have been viewed as the gender with sexual desires that need to be sated at whatever cost. That women function as tools for their pleasure. This has changed somewhat over the last 50 years. People are actually open to discussing women’s sexuality, that women have sexual desires too, and despite some men not knowing the difference between a woman’s clitoris and her nose (jabbing is not a thing gents!), society as a whole realises that no matter your gender you can have lots of sexual desires or simply none at all.
As a society we recognise this but we don’t recognise the need for comprehensive education about consent from birth. As a society we don’t recognise that consent can be rescinded at any moment. That an invitation to my room is not an invitation into my vagina. It is these thoughts and attitudes that silence survivors, that make them even doubt what actually happened to them.
We blame the survivor. We tell them to be more careful, to not drink as much in future, to learn their lesson about bringing people they don’t know back to their house. When did it become okay to say this instead of insisting that people Do. Not. Rape. Of course, in an abstract way we all know this is wrong but a sense of entitlement makes perpetrators act differently.
We need to make sure that young boys and men know that pressuring a woman into having sex with them is not okay. That if someone says no once, they mean no. They should not have to repeat themselves. We need to make sure that young boys and men do not indulge in selective hearing. If your sexual partner says no or stop, guess what? You fucking well stop. If you then get angry because you’ve been told to stop and your pissed because you didn’t get to finish, take a step, raise your hand and slap yourself across the face hard because you’re being a douche and why would you even want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to anyway? Your male entitlement and what you perceive as your right to sexual gratification whenever and however you want does not outweigh, my feelings, my body and my right to say no at any point.
I’ve had conversations with women where they’ve had sexual experiences that they did not want to have. That they’ve felt guilty for not providing sex and so have done it anyway. This makes me sick. It makes me sick to think that my friends have done this, that our sisters, mothers and daughters may also have done this. That they’ve felt a man’s sexual desire has outweighed their right to say no. That they have felt bad for not wanting sex but have done it anyway.
Our conversations about consent in society have to change. We have to take the focus away from survivors and onto perpetrators. We need to be teaching our children consent, be talking to our teenagers about consent, be having a dialogue with our partners. We must talk about consent in our individual spheres but we must also demand that the rhetoric about consent and rape culture changes in the media and wider society. We must be demanding that our police service does not ask a survivor what they were wearing, how much they had to drink or doubting whether they gave consent or not. We must be demanding that people, our institutions and our government believe the survivor and vow to change our culture and societal attitudes towards rape and consent.
Rape doesn’t just happen to people in the dark as an attack. Rape is the result of a society which perpetuates ideas of male entitlement. It is not necessarily a pre-meditated act. It is an act where someone decides to, quite simply, not listen.
Sunday, 11 January 2015
Ched Evans v Football - Guest Post
Yet another guest post! This time from my good friend Kerry Fairless. A man who spends more time than is healthy at Roots Hall and used to be a referee.
And here it is.
Despite the name, I'm a bloke. And I'm a bloke that does football. And I am going to talk about rape. And football and morality.
Ched Evans. Convicted rapist, professional footballer, scumbag…. Call him what you like. The fact remains that he is a convicted rapist, and should be treated like all convicted rapists.
He has no more rights than you or I.
If I were a rapist, I would lose my job. I would not be welcomed back with open arms once my prison term was over. I would do what everything other rapist has to do, and that’s apply for jobs with new employers with the word “rapist” on my CV.
And I am not special. You won’t find any teachers, policemen, fire fighters, doctors, civil servants, etc with “convicted rapist” on their CV. Whilst forgiveness is to be applauded, there are certain things your history won’t forgive.
You cannot be a role model and a rapist. It sends entirely the wrong message out to young and impressionable young men. Don’t believe me? There were a small group of Sheffield fans singing “Ched Evans, he screws who he likes”. Luvverly.
That hasn't stopped a couple of clubs sniffing around nor has it stopped a couple of Football People speaking out in favour him. But they’re wrong.
Gordon Taylor, as Secretary of the PFA, you were very, very wrong to question the conviction and then bring Hillsborough into the debate as an example when a judicial ruling can be over turned. As a union rep, I know sometimes you have to defend a member you’d rather not, but you massively dropped the ball. You should resign. Now.
Steve Bruce, a fine footballer and a half decent manager, you do not have any legal qualifications that permit you to voice your opinion that the conviction was wrong. You were not on the jury, you have not seen the evidence, you are speculating. If I were you, I’d be concentrating on keeping your team in the Premier League and not spouting shite about something you know fuck all about. On Match of the Day tonight, you should consider apologising for sticking your face in where it is not wanted.
But, despite some high profile rape apologists, there is a massive positive coming out of this…
We are not dealing with another Jimmy Saville or Rolf Harris when it was easy to understand the rights and wrongs of having sex with children. We are dealing with a rapist. A male of consensual age who has raped a female of consensual age.
Many football based forums have seen debates that have moved from people saying “yeah, we should sign him” and “what he did was ok” to “no we fucking shouldn't sign him” and “what he did was disgusting”.
This is primarily down to people speaking out against rape and explaining exactly what rape is, what it constitutes, how you should treat women, what saying “no” means and so on.
Many have now got an education on what exactly rape is. Yes, there is a laddish culture in football, but that is being chipped away at. The message is coming across loud and clear “NO MEANS NO” and silence must not be mistaken for “yes”.
In the real world outside football, I hope Evans apologises properly to his victim and his friends and family stop their campaign against her.
But I really hope that everyone learns a lesson from this, and if it prevents a young man becoming a rapist because he didn't know the rules then this entire debate will be worth it.
Hi, I'm Kerry. I was the man who "used to..". Nowadays I've a job that involves me knowing more about screws than is healthy........
Friday, 4 October 2013
On PCS Sex Worker Policy UPDATED
Are you a PCS member?
Remember Resolution A27 from Conference? The one that asked us to consult about a sex worker policy?
You know, the one where I thundered that a worker was a worker was a worker?
Well, here is my Branch response to the 5 questions the consultation paper asked. Massive thanks to Dr Ana Lopes from UWE Bristol for her help with this.
Now that I have the full consultation paper here I am reproducing the whole repsonse document, INCLUDING all that we thought wrong with the paper in the first place.
I would be very grateful if you could get your Branches to respond too. The response needs to go to equality@pcs.org.uk by 18th October
Remember Resolution A27 from Conference? The one that asked us to consult about a sex worker policy?
You know, the one where I thundered that a worker was a worker was a worker?
Well, here is my Branch response to the 5 questions the consultation paper asked. Massive thanks to Dr Ana Lopes from UWE Bristol for her help with this.
Now that I have the full consultation paper here I am reproducing the whole repsonse document, INCLUDING all that we thought wrong with the paper in the first place.
I would be very grateful if you could get your Branches to respond too. The response needs to go to equality@pcs.org.uk by 18th October
- Branch Response to SW policy paper.
Consultation Document on A27, a response
The document has been obviously had a good amount of work invested in it. Unfortunately in an effort to not offend anyone from either side of the argument on this it patently fails to address and confront the deeper issues. There are time and again an implied gender bias across the document that this is only a women’s issue, it applies only to those who were born a woman and not those who have transitioned from one gender to another and that any woman who chooses to be a SW can only be doing so under duress from an influencing male. This is seen in information presented in support and opposition of the view of whether or not there should be a policy. (capital P below means page)
P5 implied gender bias, it implies with some of the language used (particularly in para 2) that it is only women (and women who are of an age to consent) that this impacts. It also implies by omission that this is only a heterosexual issue (although later does address that sexual orientation identity and practise may not be the same, but does not expand on this or explain why men may have sex with men but identify as heterosexual etc). It would be beneficial that in future work like this that because of an unconscious bias of many readers, that they should specifically state that SW are not limited to women, who were women at birth but that it is an issue for women, men, this who are or have transitioned gender, who are heterosexual, homosexual and any SO in between.
Paragraph 3 on P5 coyly avoid any strong language in regard to illegal trafficking of people and that this is effectively slavery and could/should/must be viewed differently from and not confused with those who have freely consented to participate as a SW
P8 you should define LGBT and not assume that everyone understands what is meant by it, even amongst PCS branches. It is important to not confuse sexual orientation (LGB) with gender transition, change or non-binary status that may be considered by the individual to place them within the Trans community (T). This paragraph garbles the situation.
P9 ‘men enter sex work for different reasons’ from who? ‘Come from different backgrounds’ from who? ‘Have different life experiences’ from who? ‘Not all male sex workers have support needs’ but all women do? Why is there such an explicit gender bias? Is this evidenced??
P10 information presented seems to seek to confuse not inform any decision, is this actually relevant at this point? Is there information missing to lead into and clarify this information?
P11 4th question, seems to be very one sided in presentation. What is the GMB experience of organising SW? What are GMB Sisters experience of organising with SW? Why is it not here?
P12-14 Seems to be situation and fact and an absence of consideration that SW are people and this section feels like SW are objects not people, I’m sure that this is an unintended consequence in presenting the evidence without any emotional bias.
P15 second bullet point;- ‘yet women, trans, male…’ Trans what? Trans it vans??? Those who have undergone or are undergoing gender transition are people not objects. This and every other use of ‘trans’ must be in future modified to acknowledge that they are people by simply saying ‘trans people’ (or in specific cases ‘trans woman’ or ‘trans man’). It implies an unconscious bias against LGBT people that Trans and LGB SW are to be objectified and dehumanised (same at 6th bullet point). There may be an implied unconscious bias here to demonstrate the argument against SW and that they are exploited people, but if your argument is thus, please be explicit.
Now to the questions
Is sex work a trade union issue?
Yes. Sex work has been hotly debated within feminism of the 1st and 2nd waves – therefore, it became seen as largely a feminist, gender issue. However, sex worker voices have changed the picture and reclaimed the labour character of their activity.
Sex workers themselves have demanded union representation and membership as a basic labour right.
Sex work isn’t unique in the way that they face exploitation, violence and or abuse. There are plenty of industries that face these but already have trade union representation and protection.
There are many similarities between sex work and other work. It is work and therefore a trade union issue. This is also about equality and equality should be the cornerstone of every trade union.
Health and safety being one of the other cornerstones must be relevant to sex work, especially regarding HIV/AIDS. Trade unions have an important role to play here.
Should sex workers be considered as workers and have employment rights?
If we accept as above that sex work is a trade union issue then yes, sex workers should be considered workers. Dismissing the whole industry as abuse is patronising and denies the lived experience of sex workers who chose to be in the industry. Situations where people are forced into commercial sexual activities should be dealt with as abuses and are already covered by law. Not making a distinction between forced and consensual sex work means that resources that should be channelled to prevent and deal with real abuses are being wasted.
Abuses faced by sex workers are the same abuses that are faced by other vulnerable workers in low status jobs in the informal economy and yet we wouldn’t question whether cleaners, bar staff etc are actually workers and ‘deserve’ employment rights.
The title is in the name. Sex workers. And workers should have employment rights.
Should trade unions organise sex workers?
Yes. In fact there are already unions that do organise these workers. GMB and Unite have sex worker branches. There is also the International Sex Workers Union (ISWU). Also unions organise already in Argentina, Germany, the Netherlands and Greece.
There is a temptation to make judgement calls on the type of sex work. It isn’t all about prostitution, it includes chat lines, sauna, pornography, massage parlours, the list is endless. It could even include being an Ann Summers representative.
The temptation is to decide that certain sex work is more acceptable than other types. I have heard that we can support people working on chat lines but not those working in rape porn. This is naivety at work and a lack of understanding about separating the work from the worker. No one would say that we shouldn’t organise traffic wardens or tax officers as they recognise that while they may loathe the work they do that there are workers attached to the work and these workers need the unions.
A worker is a worker is a worker. And workers need to be unionised.
Should PCS support the criminalisation of purchasers and/or providers of sexual services?
In short, no. Criminalising purchasers (clients) would only move the problems to other areas and push sex workers to more isolated areas making them even more vulnerable. The Swedish model where they criminalised everything shows that this would be the case. Sex workers would be even harder to reach by support services. As the demand went up and the supply became less prices would rise. Sex workers would lose time to negotiate safe sex and assess the client. The police get tip offs about abuse and bad practice from purchasers and they would be far less likely to come forward with information about trafficking etc if they were further criminalised.
Criminalisation will only deter the ‘nice’ clients, not the nasty ones. This becomes a health and safety in the workplace issue as the nasty ones are less likely to use condoms and are more likely to be abusive and put sex workers in physical danger.
The same kind of danger that seeing sex work as ‘wrong’, ‘bad’ or dirty puts sex workers in. There is a feeling that sex workers need ‘rescuing’ from their lives. Where this will be the case when sex workers are being abused, as already mentioned, those cases should be dealt with under the law on abuse (Offenses Against a Person Act 1981) and should not be informing the debate on whether or not a person who willingly undertakes sex work should be persuaded because of moral judgements not to do so.
Nor is it just austerity that ‘forces’ people into sex work. Anecdotally there are plenty who don’t go into sex work to pay the bills but to go on holiday, festivals etc. We must get away from the moral judgements and see this as work. Criminalisation will not end sex work. It is called the oldest profession for a reason and is a growing industry.
We have to protect and not demonise the workers.
Should PCS develop a policy regarding the treatment by the employer of members with secondary or prior work in the sex industry?
Yes. This is trade unionism 101. It should always be that we protect and support workers. Unsure as we are about whether it needs a separate policy, sex work should not be seen as bringing the department into disrepute and all other conduct and discipline policies should cover this aspect of other work.
We already have policy that says that members have to get permission to do other work outside the department. Members engaged in sex work may well fall foul of this. Hence it is vital that PCS has policy on sex work and sex workers so that we may properly protect and support our members that take part in it.
Saturday, 7 September 2013
Deeva by Gaslight
Here we go again. Another post. third in two days. You can tell that I am happy that my wrist is healed enough for me to write again and that I have had a lot on my mind.
This one is gonna be a whole heap of personal again. People who actually know me in real life will probably know who I am talking about, but fuck it. Silent no more.
Deep breath Deeva.
I read this today on gaslighting. It proper made me lose my breath. The author of the piece talked about the intentional gaslighting to highlight the unintentional. Powerful stuff. If you haven't yet, you should really read it.
It brought up all sorts of feelings in me. Memories became clearer and I recognised the full extent of what had happened to me. Was a real shock and I have been mulling this post since then.
Oh for fuck's sake Deeva, get on with it!
I have been gaslighted. By people who were supposed to love me. All my life it would seem, though to varying degrees. In what would seem an attempt to control me and keep me down. It bloody worked an all. For years and years. It clouded my image of myself. It clouded my judgement of who I was and it left me easier prey for others to do it too.
So, how to get it all out?
One bit at at time I suppose.
Mum. I know what you did and why. I know that you couldn't bear me to be me as I was, in your eyes, wild and uncontrollable. I know that this is why you would ignore me most of the time and talk about me like I wasn't there even when I was.
I know that you told everyone that they should feel sorry for me and watch out for me as I had no personality of my own and would leech theirs from them. I know you did this to keep me isolated and lonely because you were so scared I would speak up about the abusive shit I was going through.
I know that you hid money and when I found it and returned it that you managed to convince me that I had stolen it in the first place because you knew that I was bad at handling guilt and that I would be frozen and pliable.
When I had a baby to escape, I know that you told me that my son's grandparents had told you that they hated having me living with them because I was so lazy and useless so that you could make sure that I couldn't be comfortable anywhere and you could keep that control. I know you lied about that one because years later I actually asked them and their faces were more believable than your gaslighting.
For years after the first dissociative episode I had (remember that? Two weeks of rocking in the foetal position where you wouldn't call a doctor and you let my sister spit on me and kick me) I truly believed I had shingles. For me to convince the school that's why I was off, I had to be convinced myself.
No more. The 12 years in which we haven't spoken have been better because you weren't in them. And you never will be again.
First husband. What a dick you were. Sleeping with other men literally the whole time we were together and making me think it was all in my head. Just so I could continue being your beard. The thing you hid behind. How many rational explanations did you have for the gay porn? How many times did the phone ring and cut off when I answered?
And yet you made me think it was all in my head.
How many years did you allow your brother to bully me and spy on me before I finally got a moment of clarity?
And the fixing of the bathroom scales so that I would feel fatter than I was and not go looking elsewhere? Yeah, I know you did that too. You made it so that I had no identity outside of you. You were my only mirror and the image I saw of myself reflected in you made me feel worthless.
And you told the children that you weren't controlling it was that I had gone wild. Off the rails.
Well fuck you.
What I had done is broken out of your control. How I found the strength I don't know, but I'm glad I did. Even though you took everything from me, I survived and got stronger. Fuck you.
Big Ex. I escaped you too and am finally happy.
For years I thought I was, but your gaslighting was stealthy. It crept up on me and nearly destroyed me.
I know now that you were petrified of losing me, that you were terrified that with my ever increasing responsibilities with the union that I would outgrow you. But you know what? If you had just told me that instead of making me feel like shit, we might have got through it. There are moments now that I know were just designed to hold me back.
Like when I used a long word in front of our friends and was asked what it meant. 'That she is getting ideas above her station.' was your reply.
Like when you had me convinced that you were acting in my best interests when you told me that our friends only tolerated me because I was with you. That they thought I was boring and all I talked about was PCS. That they thought I was talking down to them.
None of this was true. But you had me convinced it was.
We weren't having sex because I had something to prove. We were having sex because I had something to prove.
I was going mental and I didn't know what I was talking about. Of course you told me about going to your mum's. Of course you did. I must have just forgotten. Or, and here is the ultimate one, I was trying to drive YOU mad by pretending that you hadn't.
Oh what a head fuck you were.
And when I finally got some help. Finally got someone who made me realise that I was intelligent and capable and NICE and convinced me to go and see a doctor as they recognised the symptoms of depression, when I FINALLY did that and got on the anti depressants that I dreaded having to take because YOU said they would change me.
Then. Up it ramped. You tried to convince me that I was a different person. That I was capable of horrible things. That the bullying I was getting at work was my fault. That the panic attacks were because of the dreadful person I was and how I couldn't face her.
You would scream at me for hours then deny doing so. Straight faced. I had no idea what was going on apart from the fact that I had some clarity for the first time in years.
Enough clarity that I could see you for what you were. A controlling, gaslighting piece of shit.
Fuck you.
So, what was the point of writing this post? Why do this now?
It's so I can impart this message.
It isn't you. It's them.
Never again.
Run. Be safe. Be happy.
This one is gonna be a whole heap of personal again. People who actually know me in real life will probably know who I am talking about, but fuck it. Silent no more.
Deep breath Deeva.
I read this today on gaslighting. It proper made me lose my breath. The author of the piece talked about the intentional gaslighting to highlight the unintentional. Powerful stuff. If you haven't yet, you should really read it.
It brought up all sorts of feelings in me. Memories became clearer and I recognised the full extent of what had happened to me. Was a real shock and I have been mulling this post since then.
Oh for fuck's sake Deeva, get on with it!
I have been gaslighted. By people who were supposed to love me. All my life it would seem, though to varying degrees. In what would seem an attempt to control me and keep me down. It bloody worked an all. For years and years. It clouded my image of myself. It clouded my judgement of who I was and it left me easier prey for others to do it too.
So, how to get it all out?
One bit at at time I suppose.
Mum. I know what you did and why. I know that you couldn't bear me to be me as I was, in your eyes, wild and uncontrollable. I know that this is why you would ignore me most of the time and talk about me like I wasn't there even when I was.
I know that you told everyone that they should feel sorry for me and watch out for me as I had no personality of my own and would leech theirs from them. I know you did this to keep me isolated and lonely because you were so scared I would speak up about the abusive shit I was going through.
I know that you hid money and when I found it and returned it that you managed to convince me that I had stolen it in the first place because you knew that I was bad at handling guilt and that I would be frozen and pliable.
When I had a baby to escape, I know that you told me that my son's grandparents had told you that they hated having me living with them because I was so lazy and useless so that you could make sure that I couldn't be comfortable anywhere and you could keep that control. I know you lied about that one because years later I actually asked them and their faces were more believable than your gaslighting.
For years after the first dissociative episode I had (remember that? Two weeks of rocking in the foetal position where you wouldn't call a doctor and you let my sister spit on me and kick me) I truly believed I had shingles. For me to convince the school that's why I was off, I had to be convinced myself.
No more. The 12 years in which we haven't spoken have been better because you weren't in them. And you never will be again.
First husband. What a dick you were. Sleeping with other men literally the whole time we were together and making me think it was all in my head. Just so I could continue being your beard. The thing you hid behind. How many rational explanations did you have for the gay porn? How many times did the phone ring and cut off when I answered?
And yet you made me think it was all in my head.
How many years did you allow your brother to bully me and spy on me before I finally got a moment of clarity?
And the fixing of the bathroom scales so that I would feel fatter than I was and not go looking elsewhere? Yeah, I know you did that too. You made it so that I had no identity outside of you. You were my only mirror and the image I saw of myself reflected in you made me feel worthless.
And you told the children that you weren't controlling it was that I had gone wild. Off the rails.
Well fuck you.
What I had done is broken out of your control. How I found the strength I don't know, but I'm glad I did. Even though you took everything from me, I survived and got stronger. Fuck you.
Big Ex. I escaped you too and am finally happy.
For years I thought I was, but your gaslighting was stealthy. It crept up on me and nearly destroyed me.
I know now that you were petrified of losing me, that you were terrified that with my ever increasing responsibilities with the union that I would outgrow you. But you know what? If you had just told me that instead of making me feel like shit, we might have got through it. There are moments now that I know were just designed to hold me back.
Like when I used a long word in front of our friends and was asked what it meant. 'That she is getting ideas above her station.' was your reply.
Like when you had me convinced that you were acting in my best interests when you told me that our friends only tolerated me because I was with you. That they thought I was boring and all I talked about was PCS. That they thought I was talking down to them.
None of this was true. But you had me convinced it was.
We weren't having sex because I had something to prove. We were having sex because I had something to prove.
I was going mental and I didn't know what I was talking about. Of course you told me about going to your mum's. Of course you did. I must have just forgotten. Or, and here is the ultimate one, I was trying to drive YOU mad by pretending that you hadn't.
Oh what a head fuck you were.
And when I finally got some help. Finally got someone who made me realise that I was intelligent and capable and NICE and convinced me to go and see a doctor as they recognised the symptoms of depression, when I FINALLY did that and got on the anti depressants that I dreaded having to take because YOU said they would change me.
Then. Up it ramped. You tried to convince me that I was a different person. That I was capable of horrible things. That the bullying I was getting at work was my fault. That the panic attacks were because of the dreadful person I was and how I couldn't face her.
You would scream at me for hours then deny doing so. Straight faced. I had no idea what was going on apart from the fact that I had some clarity for the first time in years.
Enough clarity that I could see you for what you were. A controlling, gaslighting piece of shit.
Fuck you.
So, what was the point of writing this post? Why do this now?
It's so I can impart this message.
It isn't you. It's them.
Never again.
Run. Be safe. Be happy.
Dear Sisters, Catcalling Is Not A Compliment
Dear sisters,
I recently wrote a post on how catcalling is based on male privilege. It was pretty well received apart from one man who told me that I was wrong, and he wished he had time to tell me where I was going wrong.
Bless him for thinking I gave a fuck about what he thought.
But I digress.
The other type of response I got was from women telling me how sad they were that other women they knew saw this type of attention as a compliment. Sad indeed.
So I thought, in the spirit of sisterhood that I would write directly to you and explain why it isn't something you should be embracing or celebrating.
Are you a thing? No, me neither. However, that is what you are being seen as when someone shouts, whistles or clicks their tongue at you. They do not see you as the wonderful complex human being that you are. They don't care about your personality, your foibles, your hopes and dreams. They just see you as a piece of meat. One that they feel entitled to treat as they wish. An object. A thing.
Is it a compliment when you get leered at? Is this what you really think is happening? That they are so struck by your beauty that they cannot help themselves?
Think again. That kind of thinking plays right into victim blaming rape culture. It is the same kind of thinking that leads to the idea that it is the fault of women when they get raped because the poor little men cannot help themselves. If only women would cover up/wear flat shoes/not ever go out/stop being so damn sexy all the time then men would be able to go about their merry way and not harass them in the street.
Just no.
Also, when you seek your validation in the voice of men you are playing straight into the hands of unattainable beauty standards perpetuated by the patriarchy. To illustrate, if they shout you are sexy then you will continue to have pressure put on you to stay sexy. If they say you are ugly then you will always be trying to 'better' yourself so that they think you are worthy of being called sexy.
Really? To please the kind of man who thinks it's ok to shout out of a window at someone? Really?
If you get shouted at when pregnant (as I did, I didn't look pregnant from the back) this is not a compliment but a sad indictment of a society that thinks a woman is a breeding machine and cannot be seen as anything but 'mother' when she decides to carry a pregnancy. Don't believe me? Quickest way to get rid of these assholes is to turn round and show your bump. Watch them flee in a flash of disgust and horror that they might have encroached on someone who has already been claimed by another man. Other Man has planted his seed in you. Other Man owns you. Must not try and take what belongs to Other Man.
Here is a newsflash, you are still you when pregnant. You are more than an incubator and the idea that you would be grateful that someone can see this then that truly makes me sad.
Sisters, the same women who are being shouted at as they walk down the street are the same women who are being raped, tortured and killed by their partners. Two of them a week. Partly because they are used to being seen as a thing. A possession. Chattel.
If a man comes up to you and asks if it is ok to talk to you and takes no for an answer without calling you a bitch, a cunt, uptight, frigid, a slut, a whore then he probably isn't the kind who catcalls.
If he is, then he really shouldn't be the type of man you seek validation from.
Stay safe and stay strong.
Your sister,
Deeva xx
Sunday, 14 July 2013
On Being Furious At People Missing The Fucking Point
I was a bit hot and bothered last night and it made me grumpy. The Lovely was sleeping but I was too restless. Then I saw something on Twitter that pissed me the fuck off so I went on a bit of a rant using the hashtag #missingthefuckingpoint.
I thought I'd reproduce and add to it here. Explaining the things that made me so angry. It wasn't all on the one day, this had been coming a while and it felt good to get that rage out.
Buckle up, this is going to be a bumpy ride. Here we go...
'Not all men are sexist assholes. Some of us are trying to do the right thing and get you the equality you want'
No. Equality is mine by right, not because I want it. You want to be a good feminist ally? Listen and understand that by choice or not you are part of the patriarchy that damages us all. I'm sure you are a nice guy but being all defensive about your gender is not forwarding making that gender unimportant.
If you try to tell me that not all men are sexist assholes you are #missingthefuckingpoint
The campaign to keep women on banknotes. Yes, I know there are other fish to fry but actually this is important to people. We are capable of campaigning on more than one issue at a time you know. Try actually taking five minutes to sign the bloody petition rather than snarking from the fucking sidelines and coming up with bullshit reasons why this isn't important. Besides,
Yes, I do understand that the queen is a woman and on every banknote #missingthefuckingpoint
Bloody rape culture and victim blaming gets everywhere. Despite the fact that a woman is more likely to be raped by a partner in her own home or by someone else she knows than being snatched off a dark street. I have written about this at length and I suppose I will keep doing so till it stops.
If you think that women are more in danger of rape while wearing revealing clothes #missingthefuckingpoint
Tell you who isn't though, the amazing End Victim Blaming campaign. They are making the point over and over again. Click on the link anyone who thinks any blame at all should rest with the abused. Go on, educate yourself. And keep that victim blaming shit the fuck out of my face.
Oh yes, while I'm at it, EVERY woman, regardless of gender assignment at birth is my sister. That is it. Not difficult. If you identify as a woman you are a woman. I don't fucking CARE what you have between your legs. I will defend your right to equality.
Claim to be a feminist and yet exclude trans* women? #missingthefuckingpoint
This one should be self explanatory really. Can't believe I have to say it. My body, my choice.
If you think abortion should only be available in cases of incest or rape #missingthefuckingpoint
Don't even think about telling me that women have equality. Don't even think that. Don't say that. Don't even allude to it. I will kick your fucking deluded ass while I explain how we don't.
I see my sisters all over the world being denied autonomy and being treated like chattel. Think I won't be angry? #missingthefuckingpoint
I'm also sick and tired of the division that means the Tories and Lib Dems are able to decimate a society I was once proud of. We will never defeat them if we spend our time being the People's Front of Judea or the Judean People's Front. It's pathetic and it turns people off. The very people who we need to be our army are waiting in the wings to fight while we argue about which strategy is the right one while excluding all the others. Here's an idea, how about we actually fucking unite and realise we have a common cause and merge the strategies where possible for maximum effect?
If you are a left winger spending time provoking and berating other left wingers then guess what... #missingthefuckingpoint
This one took a few to get across. Being a feminist to me is about choice. Not being part of an army with a uniform. It is about the individuals coming together for a common cause. I can't stand the idea that if I don't dress a certain way, look a certain way, have a body hair then I can't be a 'proper' feminist.
If you grow your leg/armpit hair because that's what feminists do #missingthefuckingpoint
Be hairy or smooth. Makes no odds to me but if you do either to conform to an ideal then you are #missingthefuckingpoint
One of my followers put it better than me. She has a protected account so I won't publish her name but she was bang on!
doing shit to fit an ideal is absurd to me. Doing what makes you happy is the way forward.
This last section was about my utter fucking contempt for those against Equal Marriage. What business is it of yours what people do? How the fuck does it impact on your marriage if I wed a woman? Keep the fuck out of my business and I will stay out of yours.
Think that what consenting adults do in the bedroom is any of your damn business then you are definitely #missingthefuckingpoint
This, from the amazing @midweshtener.
If you berate or disdain other folk for life choices that have absolutely no impact on you, you may well be #missingthefuckingpoint
And this from me.
If your god is more important to you than the people around you then you are #missingthefuckingpoint
Rage expelled for a while I went to sleep.
Then.
I woke up to the news that George Zimmerman has been acquitted for the murder of Trayvon Martin. Not exactly a shock to be honest to wake up to the news that Black American's sons can now be hunted down and killed with impunity.
However.
If you think that the potential for a riot after this verdict is the biggest threat then you are royally missing the fucking point.
The biggest threat is that the verdict will create more George Zimmermans.
*sigh* I lost Twitter followers after my rant last night but I refuse to apologise. When the world stops making me angry I will stop ranting. I will live in a world where race, sexuality, gender, disability, none of that shit will make a difference.
But that isn't today, and I can't see it being any time soon so I will continue to speak my truth.
If you think I won't or that I give a flying fuck of what you think of me for doing so then you are MISSING THE FUCKING POINT.
Thursday, 20 June 2013
On Being Believed
Trigger warnings for abuse apply.
Earlier I was trying to explain to The Lovely why We Believe You is such a powerful statement.
I talked about rape culture and purity culture and patriarchy and all the other things you would expect. I talked about it being the starting point that might encourage a woman to report abuse. That cynicism, no matter how well meant would be a barrier. Mostly he gets it. He is a good man, a good feminist and a good ally.
But it occurred to me that there was another reason We Believe You is so powerful. And this would not occur to anyone who hasn't been there.
It is because, for many of us it is the first time we have ever heard it.
I heard it for the first time when I posted on the #Ididnotreport hashtag. I cried for hours. And hours. For the first time in my life I felt at peace. It has been a huge contributing factor to the fact that I am able to be so honest on this blog.
I spent my life being told I was over reacting, making it up, being ridiculous. I heard excuses, 'reasons', most of which pointed to it being my fault. I provoked him. I should have been better. Looked after myself better, made myself more attractive, more available.
You know what?
FUCK YOU!
Fuck you the ice cream man who felt me up when I was 14 and told me that no one would believe me if I told.
Fuck you the woman who told me that the occasional slap was ok but I shouldn't put up with full on punches.
Fuck you the man who raped me when I was 14 and let his mates watch. And then told me that no one would believe it was rape because he was my boyfriend.
Fuck you woman who told me not to tell my mum because it was her wedding day and people might not believe me because they might think I was trying to deflect attention from my mother's big day.
Fuck you mum for replying when I finally plucked up the courage to tell you years later that you didn't believe that I would have kept it a secret for that long and that if it was true that I would have told you at the time.
Fuck you man who told me that no one would believe he beat me while pregnant because he was so solicitous of me in public.
To the woman who said I should maybe wear make up more often so that he would find me too attractive to hit. Fuck you.
Fuck you man who told me that no one would believe I didn't know he was shagging about and would assume that I was weak for allowing it.
Fuck you everyone who made me hide inside myself so that I didn't have to face up to all the abuse I had taken because I was such a 'strong woman' that no one would believe me.
Everyone who told me it was my fault if it happened. Fuck you.
Anyone who thinks that a starting point of I Believe You is discriminatory against men. Fuck You most of all. Just fuck you.
In a week where Stuart Hall got 15 months, where Charles Saatchi calls putting his hands round his wife's neck a 'playful tiff' (this is actually an abusers way of saying look how easily I could kill you), where Unison conference voted down a we believe her amendment to a motion because TEH MENZ, fuck you if you think that I will not ALWAYS put I Believe You at the forefront of my mind.
Just fuck you.
To anyone who is being abused. Speak up and speak out.
I believe you.
Earlier I was trying to explain to The Lovely why We Believe You is such a powerful statement.
I talked about rape culture and purity culture and patriarchy and all the other things you would expect. I talked about it being the starting point that might encourage a woman to report abuse. That cynicism, no matter how well meant would be a barrier. Mostly he gets it. He is a good man, a good feminist and a good ally.
But it occurred to me that there was another reason We Believe You is so powerful. And this would not occur to anyone who hasn't been there.
It is because, for many of us it is the first time we have ever heard it.
I heard it for the first time when I posted on the #Ididnotreport hashtag. I cried for hours. And hours. For the first time in my life I felt at peace. It has been a huge contributing factor to the fact that I am able to be so honest on this blog.
I spent my life being told I was over reacting, making it up, being ridiculous. I heard excuses, 'reasons', most of which pointed to it being my fault. I provoked him. I should have been better. Looked after myself better, made myself more attractive, more available.
You know what?
FUCK YOU!
Fuck you the ice cream man who felt me up when I was 14 and told me that no one would believe me if I told.
Fuck you the woman who told me that the occasional slap was ok but I shouldn't put up with full on punches.
Fuck you the man who raped me when I was 14 and let his mates watch. And then told me that no one would believe it was rape because he was my boyfriend.
Fuck you woman who told me not to tell my mum because it was her wedding day and people might not believe me because they might think I was trying to deflect attention from my mother's big day.
Fuck you mum for replying when I finally plucked up the courage to tell you years later that you didn't believe that I would have kept it a secret for that long and that if it was true that I would have told you at the time.
Fuck you man who told me that no one would believe he beat me while pregnant because he was so solicitous of me in public.
To the woman who said I should maybe wear make up more often so that he would find me too attractive to hit. Fuck you.
Fuck you man who told me that no one would believe I didn't know he was shagging about and would assume that I was weak for allowing it.
Fuck you everyone who made me hide inside myself so that I didn't have to face up to all the abuse I had taken because I was such a 'strong woman' that no one would believe me.
Everyone who told me it was my fault if it happened. Fuck you.
Anyone who thinks that a starting point of I Believe You is discriminatory against men. Fuck You most of all. Just fuck you.
In a week where Stuart Hall got 15 months, where Charles Saatchi calls putting his hands round his wife's neck a 'playful tiff' (this is actually an abusers way of saying look how easily I could kill you), where Unison conference voted down a we believe her amendment to a motion because TEH MENZ, fuck you if you think that I will not ALWAYS put I Believe You at the forefront of my mind.
Just fuck you.
To anyone who is being abused. Speak up and speak out.
I believe you.
Sunday, 3 March 2013
On Sex As Affection And Validation In Abusive Relationships
TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR ABUSE AND RAPE
Had this post running round my head for the last couple of hours and for once I wasn't sure whether or not to write it.
It's gonna be a whole heap of personal.
So I did what any rational, sane internet addict would do and asked Twitter if I should. They said yes, and who am I to go against the will of the Twitterverse?
So here it is. My thoughts, for what they are worth, on sex and abuse.
I have never been shy about talking about the abuse I have survived. I talked about the violence, and the rape, and the emotional as well as physical scars I have. But I survived. I survived able to have a healthy relationship with my friends, my family and especially The Lovely. That I am able to do this is a real victory for me.
So, what does this have to do with sex?
I like sex. I love it and have quite a high sex drive. I enjoy a wonderful sex life and I'm proud that I can after all the abuse I have been through. I have no body issues any more and spend 99% of my time feeling like a sassy, sexy goddess. I'm a regular fucking horndog. Yay me!
It occurred to me today though that my attitude to sex hasn't always been quite so healthy.
When I was in abusive relationships I was being put down. I was fat, ugly, stupid, pathetic.
And I wanted sex. I wasn't horny, I just needed that validation that I was worthwhile. If he was having sex with me it meant that I wasn't as bad as he was saying. There had to be something good about me or he wouldn't want to have sex with me right?
I was being beaten. At one point, one of the abusers thought it would be funny to punch me as hard as he could between my legs. So hard that my pelvic bone was bruised enough that I couldn't wear underwear for three weeks.
And he still wanted sex with me. I get now it was to cause as much pain to me as possible, but in my fucked up way I felt GRATEFUL that he would want to have sex with me, someone who obviously wasn't enjoying it because of the pain. So I cried silently and tried to pretend I liked it.
And I was raped. Continually. But sometimes, (not every time, most of the time I don't even remember what I was feeling, and definitely not during) afterwards, when I was cleaning up blood and putting ice packs on the various parts of my body that were in agony, even that in some proper fucked up way felt like validation.
He had me that dependent on him that he had me convinced that he wouldn't do it if he didn't love me so much.
And that made me feel better somehow. Like I wasn't worthless and useless and fat and ugly. I could cry for how fucked up I was. For how every family relationship where I internalised being unfeminine and unbeautiful and stupid and just plain worthless had led to this point.
And you know what? I needed comfort after his attacks. Anyone would need comfort after being attacked. He had me so isolated from anyone who would or could help me or comfort me, that it had to be him I turned to for that comfort. And there were never any cuddles. So that meant sex.
Like I say, I'm much better these days. Sex is a healthy, enjoyable thing for me. I have no inhibitions and it is ALWAYS on my terms.
But sometimes, just sometimes, after a row or if I'm feeling hormonal or something I find myself wanting sex without the accompanying horn. For affection. For validation. Because there is still a part of me who internalised not being good enough and that will never completely leave.
So always be good to your children and never put them down. They internalise and normalise that shit and it makes them easier prey for abusers.
And when you see someone in an abusive relationship who isn't leaving and seems to still be having a sex life, try not to judge. Try to give some empathy and let them know they can talk to you.
It might save their life.
It certainly saved mine.
Had this post running round my head for the last couple of hours and for once I wasn't sure whether or not to write it.
It's gonna be a whole heap of personal.
So I did what any rational, sane internet addict would do and asked Twitter if I should. They said yes, and who am I to go against the will of the Twitterverse?
So here it is. My thoughts, for what they are worth, on sex and abuse.
I have never been shy about talking about the abuse I have survived. I talked about the violence, and the rape, and the emotional as well as physical scars I have. But I survived. I survived able to have a healthy relationship with my friends, my family and especially The Lovely. That I am able to do this is a real victory for me.
So, what does this have to do with sex?
I like sex. I love it and have quite a high sex drive. I enjoy a wonderful sex life and I'm proud that I can after all the abuse I have been through. I have no body issues any more and spend 99% of my time feeling like a sassy, sexy goddess. I'm a regular fucking horndog. Yay me!
It occurred to me today though that my attitude to sex hasn't always been quite so healthy.
When I was in abusive relationships I was being put down. I was fat, ugly, stupid, pathetic.
And I wanted sex. I wasn't horny, I just needed that validation that I was worthwhile. If he was having sex with me it meant that I wasn't as bad as he was saying. There had to be something good about me or he wouldn't want to have sex with me right?
I was being beaten. At one point, one of the abusers thought it would be funny to punch me as hard as he could between my legs. So hard that my pelvic bone was bruised enough that I couldn't wear underwear for three weeks.
And he still wanted sex with me. I get now it was to cause as much pain to me as possible, but in my fucked up way I felt GRATEFUL that he would want to have sex with me, someone who obviously wasn't enjoying it because of the pain. So I cried silently and tried to pretend I liked it.
And I was raped. Continually. But sometimes, (not every time, most of the time I don't even remember what I was feeling, and definitely not during) afterwards, when I was cleaning up blood and putting ice packs on the various parts of my body that were in agony, even that in some proper fucked up way felt like validation.
He had me that dependent on him that he had me convinced that he wouldn't do it if he didn't love me so much.
And that made me feel better somehow. Like I wasn't worthless and useless and fat and ugly. I could cry for how fucked up I was. For how every family relationship where I internalised being unfeminine and unbeautiful and stupid and just plain worthless had led to this point.
And you know what? I needed comfort after his attacks. Anyone would need comfort after being attacked. He had me so isolated from anyone who would or could help me or comfort me, that it had to be him I turned to for that comfort. And there were never any cuddles. So that meant sex.
Like I say, I'm much better these days. Sex is a healthy, enjoyable thing for me. I have no inhibitions and it is ALWAYS on my terms.
But sometimes, just sometimes, after a row or if I'm feeling hormonal or something I find myself wanting sex without the accompanying horn. For affection. For validation. Because there is still a part of me who internalised not being good enough and that will never completely leave.
So always be good to your children and never put them down. They internalise and normalise that shit and it makes them easier prey for abusers.
And when you see someone in an abusive relationship who isn't leaving and seems to still be having a sex life, try not to judge. Try to give some empathy and let them know they can talk to you.
It might save their life.
It certainly saved mine.
Sunday, 24 February 2013
Dear #radfem2013 Intersectionality Is Essential
Dear #Radfem2013
I have been watching your hashtag with interest over the past few days as I know you've been having a conference. Let me say I like a lot of what you say and in my dark hours, I have actually thought I might want to join you.
But I can't. And that isn't my fault, it's yours. And it makes me really sad. Not for me, I'm more than happy in my feminism thanks, but for you who must know, deep down, that you will never achieve what you want because, believe it or not, you are not about equality for women.
I hope you were sat down for that. I can almost hear your bristling and outrage. And I'm ready for whatever backlash you want to throw at me. But I'm not actually expecting any to be honest because as an intersectional feminist, I am beneath your intellectual notice. Though you are not above pouring scorn and hatred on my ilk.
You exclude me, and feminism shouldn't, fuck it, DOESN'T work like that.
So, here is why I don't want to be part of your faux revolution.
I am a woman who understands that every woman, regardless of gender assignment at birth is my sister. No, she wasn't 'born a man', she was born a woman. And no, escaping misogyny for most of her life (are you fucking shitting me here? It is patriarchy that means so many trans* women commit suicide) does not mean that she is a threat to women only spaces because she brings a male perspective. We don't punish women for being women. I say 'we', I mean us intersectional feminists. You still see them as 'chicks with dicks' and you should be ashamed.
I have a boyfriend. He is a man. He is also the best feminist ally you could hope for. He listens to us without trying to fix us. He doesn't try to tell us what we need. He never judges. He will debate our issues with us to understand them so he can help in a way that we want him to, not in a way that makes it look like he knows best because he is a man. He will challenge misogyny and not accept it in his presence. He will educate other men. He will not mansplain. He believes that women deserve equality as a default, NOT because men would bestow it upon us as a gift. He is an ally, and there are many more like him.
Yet you would write him off as TEH MENZ and call him TEH PROBLEMZ.
You really don't like gay men do you? You think that they hate women and are all about the misogyny themselves. You miss the point that their struggle is equal to our struggle and that we might have something to learn from each other. And that they are actually, in the main, our allies too. You see they understand about being oppressed. It wasn't that long ago that being themselves actually meant prison. And dammit, they know how to campaign and organise. Talk to them, you might surprise yourselves.
You talk about gynecology being born from vivisection of slaves. But that seems to be as far as you would go to talk about Women of Colour. I don't deny this, but that same gynecology saves millions of women's lives. So what is your point? Ah yes, that TEH MENZ WAZ EVILZ. *yawn*. Talk about the rape of women of colour, but what campaigns do you actually support to help?
Getting more and more angry here and that wasn't my intention, so will give you the last reason I want nothing to do with your ridiculous, bigoted, hateful organisation.
I am the mother of two boys. They are good men who understand our issues and will fight to make sure that we get the equality due to us. I cannot reconcile your hatred and mistrust of men with the ones I have raised. And here is the crux of the matter, when they are arguing on our behalf with other men who don't get feminism and do need educating it is you that gets thrown at them as an example of why feminism is a BAD thing.
It is you that gets thrown at them as an example of feminism being full of man hating psychos who hate everyone to be honest. It isn't us who spend our time educating, protesting outside abortion clinics when the disgusting 40 Days Of Life are harassing women. It isn't us who are trying our hardest to affect change in the Left because we understand that holding ourselves separate from them isn't going to achieve anything. No, it isn't us who understand that without intersectionality our fight means NOTHING.
It is you who is doing the feminist movement damage.
And that is why I can't join you, no matter how much I would want to.
Grow up a bit and we'll talk. Hope that can be soon.
Your sister,
Goddessdeeva.
I have been watching your hashtag with interest over the past few days as I know you've been having a conference. Let me say I like a lot of what you say and in my dark hours, I have actually thought I might want to join you.
But I can't. And that isn't my fault, it's yours. And it makes me really sad. Not for me, I'm more than happy in my feminism thanks, but for you who must know, deep down, that you will never achieve what you want because, believe it or not, you are not about equality for women.
I hope you were sat down for that. I can almost hear your bristling and outrage. And I'm ready for whatever backlash you want to throw at me. But I'm not actually expecting any to be honest because as an intersectional feminist, I am beneath your intellectual notice. Though you are not above pouring scorn and hatred on my ilk.
You exclude me, and feminism shouldn't, fuck it, DOESN'T work like that.
So, here is why I don't want to be part of your faux revolution.
I am a woman who understands that every woman, regardless of gender assignment at birth is my sister. No, she wasn't 'born a man', she was born a woman. And no, escaping misogyny for most of her life (are you fucking shitting me here? It is patriarchy that means so many trans* women commit suicide) does not mean that she is a threat to women only spaces because she brings a male perspective. We don't punish women for being women. I say 'we', I mean us intersectional feminists. You still see them as 'chicks with dicks' and you should be ashamed.
I have a boyfriend. He is a man. He is also the best feminist ally you could hope for. He listens to us without trying to fix us. He doesn't try to tell us what we need. He never judges. He will debate our issues with us to understand them so he can help in a way that we want him to, not in a way that makes it look like he knows best because he is a man. He will challenge misogyny and not accept it in his presence. He will educate other men. He will not mansplain. He believes that women deserve equality as a default, NOT because men would bestow it upon us as a gift. He is an ally, and there are many more like him.
Yet you would write him off as TEH MENZ and call him TEH PROBLEMZ.
You really don't like gay men do you? You think that they hate women and are all about the misogyny themselves. You miss the point that their struggle is equal to our struggle and that we might have something to learn from each other. And that they are actually, in the main, our allies too. You see they understand about being oppressed. It wasn't that long ago that being themselves actually meant prison. And dammit, they know how to campaign and organise. Talk to them, you might surprise yourselves.
You talk about gynecology being born from vivisection of slaves. But that seems to be as far as you would go to talk about Women of Colour. I don't deny this, but that same gynecology saves millions of women's lives. So what is your point? Ah yes, that TEH MENZ WAZ EVILZ. *yawn*. Talk about the rape of women of colour, but what campaigns do you actually support to help?
Getting more and more angry here and that wasn't my intention, so will give you the last reason I want nothing to do with your ridiculous, bigoted, hateful organisation.
I am the mother of two boys. They are good men who understand our issues and will fight to make sure that we get the equality due to us. I cannot reconcile your hatred and mistrust of men with the ones I have raised. And here is the crux of the matter, when they are arguing on our behalf with other men who don't get feminism and do need educating it is you that gets thrown at them as an example of why feminism is a BAD thing.
It is you that gets thrown at them as an example of feminism being full of man hating psychos who hate everyone to be honest. It isn't us who spend our time educating, protesting outside abortion clinics when the disgusting 40 Days Of Life are harassing women. It isn't us who are trying our hardest to affect change in the Left because we understand that holding ourselves separate from them isn't going to achieve anything. No, it isn't us who understand that without intersectionality our fight means NOTHING.
It is you who is doing the feminist movement damage.
And that is why I can't join you, no matter how much I would want to.
Grow up a bit and we'll talk. Hope that can be soon.
Your sister,
Goddessdeeva.
Sunday, 3 February 2013
Something Rotten In The State of the SWP?
Nick Cohen has written an article on why the left are not good feminists.
What a shame it doesn't actually say an awful lot about feminism.
What is does, purposefully or not, is tar all far left organisations as rapists.
When I saw Cohen's article, it had been tweeted with the accompanying statement 'why the far left rape'. And I couldn't let that go unanswered.
And this is why.
Apart from the fact that the SWP isn't the entirety of the far left, the far left do not rape, it is individuals who rape.
Tarring everyone with the same brush is in itself anti feminist. All it does is enable those who would rape by hiding them in plain sight. If all far left wingers are expected to rape then this is not going to be a problem is it? It is actually, in its own strange way rape apology.
Yes, there has and continues to be something very wrong in the hierarchy of the SWP when a woman who has been brave enough to speak out about rape is not supported, Yes, there is something very wrong when rather than support her through the extremely dicey waters of the British Justice System, a system that we know is anti women and prone to the same rape apology and slut shaming misogyny as the rest of society, they decide to do the 'justice' in house. Yes, there is something very wrong when any subsequent court case would now be tarnished precisely because of this kangaroo court that saw the accused walk free. (aside: what the fuck could they have done but expel him had they found him guilty for fucks sake?)
But you know what?
Not all far left organisations are like that. Cohen tarring them all with the same something is rotten in the state of the SWP brush is wrong headed lazy journalism at best. At worst it is, or at least appears to be a personal axe to grind.
I am not a member of the SWP, nor would I ever condone what has occurred here, but I am a member of a left wing faction in my union. It isn't perfect, not in any way, shape or form but it does take rape very seriously. And is trying to educate itself into being a better feminist ally.
And what of those who hold far left political views who are not in any organisation? Are they just waiting for their chance to rape unsuspecting women? No. Not all of them. And to suggest, even tacitly, that being a far left winger means that you are is offensive, insulting and just plain wrong. Worse, it feeds into the rape culture it is fighting against.
And what of those SWP members who are trying to do the right thing? In an organisation that is as shady as Cohen is trying to paint it we would never have known anything had happened at all. But we have. It has been shouted from the rooftops by those who are defending their female comrades and railing against the very misogynist rape culture that enabled this to happen.
I find myself wondering, is this actually a political issue? (I mean, apart from the fact that feminism, rape, rape culture and misogyny is always political) Is this a left v right thing?
I was asked what I would be saying if it were a right wing organisation. I examined my own bias, as a left winger and came up with this.
I would say that there are some rapists in the far right. I would say that those individuals are responsible for their own behaviour. I would say that rape culture and misogyny had something to do with it. I would point out that misogyny and rape culture are embedded in the policies of the far right in a way that it isn't in the far left. I would also say that though I abhor far right politics with every fibre of my being, see my post on 28,000 votes the BNP got in the London Mayoral Election, that I would applaud anyone who brought this to light.
I would say that this is a right v wrong issue.
And I would applaud anyone who brings misogyny, rape culture, victim blaming or slut shaming to light.
The far left doesn't rape. People rape.
Cohen would do well to remember that.
What a shame it doesn't actually say an awful lot about feminism.
What is does, purposefully or not, is tar all far left organisations as rapists.
When I saw Cohen's article, it had been tweeted with the accompanying statement 'why the far left rape'. And I couldn't let that go unanswered.
And this is why.
Apart from the fact that the SWP isn't the entirety of the far left, the far left do not rape, it is individuals who rape.
Tarring everyone with the same brush is in itself anti feminist. All it does is enable those who would rape by hiding them in plain sight. If all far left wingers are expected to rape then this is not going to be a problem is it? It is actually, in its own strange way rape apology.
Yes, there has and continues to be something very wrong in the hierarchy of the SWP when a woman who has been brave enough to speak out about rape is not supported, Yes, there is something very wrong when rather than support her through the extremely dicey waters of the British Justice System, a system that we know is anti women and prone to the same rape apology and slut shaming misogyny as the rest of society, they decide to do the 'justice' in house. Yes, there is something very wrong when any subsequent court case would now be tarnished precisely because of this kangaroo court that saw the accused walk free. (aside: what the fuck could they have done but expel him had they found him guilty for fucks sake?)
But you know what?
Not all far left organisations are like that. Cohen tarring them all with the same something is rotten in the state of the SWP brush is wrong headed lazy journalism at best. At worst it is, or at least appears to be a personal axe to grind.
I am not a member of the SWP, nor would I ever condone what has occurred here, but I am a member of a left wing faction in my union. It isn't perfect, not in any way, shape or form but it does take rape very seriously. And is trying to educate itself into being a better feminist ally.
And what of those who hold far left political views who are not in any organisation? Are they just waiting for their chance to rape unsuspecting women? No. Not all of them. And to suggest, even tacitly, that being a far left winger means that you are is offensive, insulting and just plain wrong. Worse, it feeds into the rape culture it is fighting against.
And what of those SWP members who are trying to do the right thing? In an organisation that is as shady as Cohen is trying to paint it we would never have known anything had happened at all. But we have. It has been shouted from the rooftops by those who are defending their female comrades and railing against the very misogynist rape culture that enabled this to happen.
I find myself wondering, is this actually a political issue? (I mean, apart from the fact that feminism, rape, rape culture and misogyny is always political) Is this a left v right thing?
I was asked what I would be saying if it were a right wing organisation. I examined my own bias, as a left winger and came up with this.
I would say that there are some rapists in the far right. I would say that those individuals are responsible for their own behaviour. I would say that rape culture and misogyny had something to do with it. I would point out that misogyny and rape culture are embedded in the policies of the far right in a way that it isn't in the far left. I would also say that though I abhor far right politics with every fibre of my being, see my post on 28,000 votes the BNP got in the London Mayoral Election, that I would applaud anyone who brought this to light.
I would say that this is a right v wrong issue.
And I would applaud anyone who brings misogyny, rape culture, victim blaming or slut shaming to light.
The far left doesn't rape. People rape.
Cohen would do well to remember that.
Sunday, 6 January 2013
No, I Don't Deserve To Be Raped.
Been meaning to write this blog post for a while, but xmas, new year and a stinking cold got in the way. Am writing it now because of a conversation I had with a total dick on Twitter. @CharlieStargatt just in case you wish to avoid him.
He asserted that if a woman is dressed provocatively, drunk and flirting, when she gets raped it is partly her fault.
I'm sure you can imagine how well that went down with me.
We argued back and forth for a while, I said ' @CharlieStargatt by your logic any woman who openly flirts with a man is to blame when she gets raped.'
He replied with ' @goddessdeeva oh my god really... in this given situation... the woman is PARTLY TO BLAME!!!!! I'm not saying the man isn't in the wrong..'
I felt sick. Physically sick. I told him I wept for him and hoped he never had daughters. Then I blocked him.
So why this post today? Because, alas, he is not alone. There are men and women, who because of slut shaming, victims blaming , patriarchy and rape culture generally really believe that this is a thing. That a woman who dresses 'provocatively', has a drink and flirts deserves to be raped. That she is to blame. If only 'partly'.
This goes out to all of you.
When I go out, I wear clothes that are sometimes tight, short and revealing. When I do this am I saying?
a) I am wearing these clothes because I like them and I am comfortable in my own skin.
b) I am wearing these clothes to provoke your innate sense of manliness and incite you to a sexual act over which you have no control.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.
I sometimes like to drink when I go out. Sometimes, hard to believe I know, to excess. Am I saying?
a) I'm a grown woman who likes a drink sometimes.
b) I am purposefully inebriating myself so that I may make your conquest of me easier, as obviously you are a man who cannot control his urges.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.
I'm quite a friendly person whether or not I've been drinking and I have a genuine interest in people. I may end up in the smoking area of a pub chatting to you. I may be smiling, tactile, laughing at your jokes.
One last time then, am I saying?
a) You seem like a nice guy to have a chat with, I am going to chat to you while I feel safe in your company.
b) I'm only talking to you because I obviously fancy you and I want to make it easier for you to assert your manly ways over me.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.
Let me make this VERY CLEAR, I could be drunk, naked, and lying legs akimbo in the street, the answer is NEVER going to be please force your penis inside me against my will.
I am not responsible for the actions of a rapist. A rapist is responsible for the actions of a rapist.
She lead me on is not an excuse. I could change my mind part way through and if you didn't stop when I told you to it would be rape.
So fuck you if you think I or any other person deserves to be raped because of their actions.
It's yours you want to be looking at.
Happy new year.
He asserted that if a woman is dressed provocatively, drunk and flirting, when she gets raped it is partly her fault.
I'm sure you can imagine how well that went down with me.
We argued back and forth for a while, I said ' @CharlieStargatt by your logic any woman who openly flirts with a man is to blame when she gets raped.'
He replied with ' @goddessdeeva oh my god really... in this given situation... the woman is PARTLY TO BLAME!!!!! I'm not saying the man isn't in the wrong..'
I felt sick. Physically sick. I told him I wept for him and hoped he never had daughters. Then I blocked him.
So why this post today? Because, alas, he is not alone. There are men and women, who because of slut shaming, victims blaming , patriarchy and rape culture generally really believe that this is a thing. That a woman who dresses 'provocatively', has a drink and flirts deserves to be raped. That she is to blame. If only 'partly'.
This goes out to all of you.
When I go out, I wear clothes that are sometimes tight, short and revealing. When I do this am I saying?
a) I am wearing these clothes because I like them and I am comfortable in my own skin.
b) I am wearing these clothes to provoke your innate sense of manliness and incite you to a sexual act over which you have no control.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.
I sometimes like to drink when I go out. Sometimes, hard to believe I know, to excess. Am I saying?
a) I'm a grown woman who likes a drink sometimes.
b) I am purposefully inebriating myself so that I may make your conquest of me easier, as obviously you are a man who cannot control his urges.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.
I'm quite a friendly person whether or not I've been drinking and I have a genuine interest in people. I may end up in the smoking area of a pub chatting to you. I may be smiling, tactile, laughing at your jokes.
One last time then, am I saying?
a) You seem like a nice guy to have a chat with, I am going to chat to you while I feel safe in your company.
b) I'm only talking to you because I obviously fancy you and I want to make it easier for you to assert your manly ways over me.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.
Let me make this VERY CLEAR, I could be drunk, naked, and lying legs akimbo in the street, the answer is NEVER going to be please force your penis inside me against my will.
I am not responsible for the actions of a rapist. A rapist is responsible for the actions of a rapist.
She lead me on is not an excuse. I could change my mind part way through and if you didn't stop when I told you to it would be rape.
So fuck you if you think I or any other person deserves to be raped because of their actions.
It's yours you want to be looking at.
Happy new year.
Monday, 31 December 2012
Violence Against Women - An IRL Global Problem No Matter What We Are Told
You know when sometimes you wish you'd gone to bed instead of staying up a little longer reading Twitter? Well, that was me last night. It all started when I read this brilliant article on how Violence Against Women (VAW) was a global problem by @OwenJones84.
It was insightful, and helpful and I was really pleased that there was a global call to arms to do something about VAW.
Then @sunny_hundal took issue with it. Ok, so far so predictable, a spat between two men on what is a women's issue but I let that slide. I then made my fatal error. I asked him what he didn't agree with. And I got this as a reply.
Sunny Hundal @sunny_hundal
@goddessdeeva main disagreement that just because rape culture prevalent in both countries doesn't mean one can't be much worse.
Oh good lord, where to even start?
I could have gone the easy route and done the whole 'don't even start that with me, you are a man, I have no interest' route but it felt lazy somehow. So I replied with this.
Goddessdeeva @goddessdeeva
@sunny_hundal just trying to get my head round a sliding scale of rape culture. Nope. Can't do it. All rape culture is as bad as it can get.
And this...
@sunny_hundal if we start a league table of rape culture we invalidate women's experience and that helps not one single woman.
And lo and behold, even though I avoided the lazy route, he asks me if I have ever been an Indian Woman.
CORRECTION: Having had a discussion and gone over last night's tweets, what Sunny Hundal ACTUALLY asked is if I had ever lived in India. The suggestion being that if I haven't then I have no authority to talk about this issue. This doesn't actually change anything, he is still wrong about rape culture league tables and the rest of this post still stands.
Well, no, I have to admit I haven't.
But here is what DOES make me qualified to argue with him on this issue.
I am aware of the issues. And from more than reading about them. I used to live in a city where there was a huge Indian and Pakistani populace, and I lived right in the middle of it. They were my neighbours and my friends. And as such, when they told me of a woman who was being beaten, raped, or forced into marriage that needed hiding for a bit, I would do it. Without even thinking about it. And when they were staying at my house and I was helping plan their escape we would talk. And I would listen. And would face up to their male relatives when they turned up on my doorstep threatening violence towards me. Inventive with their threats too they were.
I have to say that not all of these women managed to escape. That broke my heart. But some of them did. And that made it worth the threats.
Still a bit too peripheral for you Sunny? Try this then.
I am mixed race. Apparently I kinda 'look Asiany'. However, I am not, and have never claimed to be. Where I lived in said city, I would get spat at, cat called, slapped on the arse, groped, harassed, threatened with rape on a daily basis, cornered and leered at because I was a woman in western (read provocative) clothing who looked Asian.
So, yeah.... I feel I'm qualified to talk about the subject.
Also, and this is an important one here, I am a woman.
This means that EVERY WAKING MOMENT of my life outside my home has been risk assessed.
That's right, every moment. Even going across the road to buy bread. This is what we live with. Every day. The knowledge that at any time we may be harassed, abducted, beaten, raped or killed. Because we are women. And because rape culture says it is ok to do so. Much as I hate to say it, men, with their starting position of privilege will never be able to understand this. Never know how it feels to constantly be aware that today could be the day it all comes crashing down. As it does for thousands of women daily.
So don't you dare pit one country's rape culture against another. Just don't you dare! When you do that you not only invalidate the experiences of women (and men, I get that, but I can't write from that perspective as I'm not one) globally, but you damage the work that is ongoing on this.
Every woman is my sister and when I hear of even one of them being subjected to VAW it hurts me and makes me angry. No matter where on the planet they are.
I do not know ONE WOMAN who saw what happened in Delhi and said 'Nothing to do with me, it's India innit?' Not one. I do know Indian women who are appalled that there seems to be this league table of rape culture building up. It is divisive and helps not a single woman.
I asked Sunny two things last night. One, have you ever been a raped woman? And two, listen to the women.
The first I already knew the answer to.
In reply to the second was this article and links to articles written by women.
Throw as many links at me as you like Sunny, I am talking to women. Real, IRL, LIVE women who want help from their sisters across the world to fight what is undoubtedly a horrific place and time to live. Not just academics, not just women who have platforms in papers etc, normal, real, everyday women.
My hope for this year is that it will be the year that the mansplainers realise that if they want to be feminist allies that there needs to be less telling us how it is and more listening to what help we want.
I also hope that the millions of women around the world unite, free of rape culture league tables and fight VAW together.
Enough is enough sisters.
It was insightful, and helpful and I was really pleased that there was a global call to arms to do something about VAW.
Then @sunny_hundal took issue with it. Ok, so far so predictable, a spat between two men on what is a women's issue but I let that slide. I then made my fatal error. I asked him what he didn't agree with. And I got this as a reply.
Sunny Hundal @sunny_hundal
@goddessdeeva main disagreement that just because rape culture prevalent in both countries doesn't mean one can't be much worse.
Oh good lord, where to even start?
I could have gone the easy route and done the whole 'don't even start that with me, you are a man, I have no interest' route but it felt lazy somehow. So I replied with this.
Goddessdeeva @goddessdeeva
@sunny_hundal just trying to get my head round a sliding scale of rape culture. Nope. Can't do it. All rape culture is as bad as it can get.
And this...
@sunny_hundal if we start a league table of rape culture we invalidate women's experience and that helps not one single woman.
And lo and behold, even though I avoided the lazy route, he asks me if I have ever been an Indian Woman.
CORRECTION: Having had a discussion and gone over last night's tweets, what Sunny Hundal ACTUALLY asked is if I had ever lived in India. The suggestion being that if I haven't then I have no authority to talk about this issue. This doesn't actually change anything, he is still wrong about rape culture league tables and the rest of this post still stands.
Well, no, I have to admit I haven't.
But here is what DOES make me qualified to argue with him on this issue.
I am aware of the issues. And from more than reading about them. I used to live in a city where there was a huge Indian and Pakistani populace, and I lived right in the middle of it. They were my neighbours and my friends. And as such, when they told me of a woman who was being beaten, raped, or forced into marriage that needed hiding for a bit, I would do it. Without even thinking about it. And when they were staying at my house and I was helping plan their escape we would talk. And I would listen. And would face up to their male relatives when they turned up on my doorstep threatening violence towards me. Inventive with their threats too they were.
I have to say that not all of these women managed to escape. That broke my heart. But some of them did. And that made it worth the threats.
Still a bit too peripheral for you Sunny? Try this then.
I am mixed race. Apparently I kinda 'look Asiany'. However, I am not, and have never claimed to be. Where I lived in said city, I would get spat at, cat called, slapped on the arse, groped, harassed, threatened with rape on a daily basis, cornered and leered at because I was a woman in western (read provocative) clothing who looked Asian.
So, yeah.... I feel I'm qualified to talk about the subject.
Also, and this is an important one here, I am a woman.
This means that EVERY WAKING MOMENT of my life outside my home has been risk assessed.
That's right, every moment. Even going across the road to buy bread. This is what we live with. Every day. The knowledge that at any time we may be harassed, abducted, beaten, raped or killed. Because we are women. And because rape culture says it is ok to do so. Much as I hate to say it, men, with their starting position of privilege will never be able to understand this. Never know how it feels to constantly be aware that today could be the day it all comes crashing down. As it does for thousands of women daily.
So don't you dare pit one country's rape culture against another. Just don't you dare! When you do that you not only invalidate the experiences of women (and men, I get that, but I can't write from that perspective as I'm not one) globally, but you damage the work that is ongoing on this.
Every woman is my sister and when I hear of even one of them being subjected to VAW it hurts me and makes me angry. No matter where on the planet they are.
I do not know ONE WOMAN who saw what happened in Delhi and said 'Nothing to do with me, it's India innit?' Not one. I do know Indian women who are appalled that there seems to be this league table of rape culture building up. It is divisive and helps not a single woman.
I asked Sunny two things last night. One, have you ever been a raped woman? And two, listen to the women.
The first I already knew the answer to.
In reply to the second was this article and links to articles written by women.
Throw as many links at me as you like Sunny, I am talking to women. Real, IRL, LIVE women who want help from their sisters across the world to fight what is undoubtedly a horrific place and time to live. Not just academics, not just women who have platforms in papers etc, normal, real, everyday women.
My hope for this year is that it will be the year that the mansplainers realise that if they want to be feminist allies that there needs to be less telling us how it is and more listening to what help we want.
I also hope that the millions of women around the world unite, free of rape culture league tables and fight VAW together.
Enough is enough sisters.
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