On Death

Feeling kind of melancholy this evening.

You see my Uncle Terry just died. He wasn't blood related, he was one of those family friends who you grow up calling uncle. This doesn't mean he wasn't my real uncle because he was. He encouraged me to play the piano for my dad and gave me a cuddle when my dad was dismissive. (I never played the piano again after this so it sticks in my mind that he was kind to me at that moment) I saw him as a quiet man, unless there was rum involved, and I loved him dearly.

I hadn't actually seen Uncle Terry for quite a few years but that didn't matter. He was a constant. He was nice to me when I was a kid without wanting anything in return. He wasn't creepy, he wasn't loud, he was just Uncle Terry.

And the world is a poorer place without him.

It has got me thinking about death though.

I keep getting phone calls you see telling me that yet another contemporary of my parents has shuffled off this mortal coil and yet they are still both alive.

Regular readers of this blog know that my relationship with my parents has been difficult and that I am actually trying to sort things out with my dad and biomum. It isn't always easy but I am trying and so are they.

It occurs to me that one day (Bio mum is 65 and dad is 80) I will get a phone call to tell me they have died. And I don't know how I will feel about it.

For years I said I would only go to Biomum's funeral to make sure she was dead and that when my dad went I would cheer but these days I am more mellow about them and not sure how I will feel.

I know it won't be joy and that is an improvement right?

I never know how I am going to feel about a certain situation until I am in it. When my depression and PTSD were at their worst I truly worried that I was a psycopath and that scared me (this fear is apparently quite common in sufferers).

Not sure where I am going with this post if I am honest. Maybe a link between ambivalence about the death of my parents and my past abuse and current mental health?

I don't know.

I do know that I am not looking forward to it and that I miss my Uncle Brian who died last year and my Uncle Terry who died today. They loved me and were kind to me.

Maybe that will be their legacy, to be remembered with love by someone they were kind to.

We should all wish for such.

On Page 3

So there are to be no more tits on page three.

Shame about the rest of the paper though, it is full of them.

Don't get me wrong, I see this as a victory for women despite the likes of Jodie Marsh not getting it.

She has been tweeting that she was paid well, felt in control and was mainly dealing with women so it is ok.

No. No it isn't.

What she couldn't control is how the men viewing the images on page 3 saw women. What she couldn't control is how that contributes to how men treat women. What she couldn't control was the objectification of women. In fact she contributed to it. She contributed to the attitudes of men who tell us to smile in the street then call us bitches when we don't. She contributed to lad culture and women thinking they are no more than their bodies.

Do I blame her? Not in the slightest. Am I about to send her a load of angry tweets about it? No. Life is too short and I don't have time to be dealing with trolls and idiots today.

So back to the main point.

It IS a victory for campaigning and for women that Page 3 is to be no more but this is no time to rest on our laurels. It is one battle. We haven't won the war yet.

There is still much to do and none of that includes forgiving the sun for the lies it told about Liverpool fans. None of it includes excusing it for the lies it tells, the hatred it stirs up and it's continued objectification of women.

None of it includes buying the Sun.

Not now. Not ever.

The tits.

On Depression - Guest Post

This one is from my friend Drake. I haven't known him that long but he is one of the good guys and we watched Massive Attack in a field as the sun went down.

I don't actually agree with the bit about meds but this is his take on it and I am hoping that it provokes discussion and debate.

Here it is!

At some point in our lives we will all experience some form of depression. It might last for minutes or years. The cause of it can stem from virtually anything. I stop short of calling it an illness as that suggests that the person is broken. They are not. 

You may turn to a doctor, who in turn will, in all likelihood turn you to drugs. These anti depressant drugs will probably work for a short time but having spoken to friends who have been prescribed them, it appears they only work in the short term. The equivalent of the Dutch boy sticking his finger in the dyke, it doesn't solve the real issue merely covers it up for a while, sooner or later it will burst through.

I personally believe the best way of dealing with depression is talking about it. The irony of that solution is that a depressed person is unlikely to be the one who makes the first move. 

When you have depression it seems the whole world is against you. Your closest friend can seem like your worst enemy, your brain will make things up about them forcing you further away from them. You retreat into your shell and step away from the world. 

I am fortunate enough to have some incredible friends who noticed when I was going through my own dark time and they did their best to help me out, they showed love towards me and gave me an understanding ear even when I didn't want it. They were, I now realise always there even when I tried to push them away. 

We all have friends no matter what you may think. If you are one of these friends and consider yourself to be a true friend, you should be there if you suspect someone is going through these troubled times. Don't take exception if the person is curt with you or if they appear to not want your help. And don't make the mistake of thinking they just want cheering up, obviously that will help in the short term but what is really needed is for you to try and understand why they are depressed. That and being a constant presence in their life will eventually get through, and hopefully that person will start to open up.

I understand that this will not work for everyone, the person suffering has to try to help themselves as well. So if it's you try and reach out to someone, if they are a true friend they will stop and listen and try and help you. 

There is NO shame in asking for help.

I firmly believe that if you do reach out to people, that it breeds confidence both in you and the person you have reached out to. They will see you as a strong person for being able to do so and the chances are they will then see you as someone they can confide in.

It is tough but with the love and support of friends and family it is definitely achievable.

Drake, formerly of another name. Green fingered life enthusiast.

Ched Evans v Football - Guest Post

Yet another guest post! This time from my good friend Kerry Fairless. A man who spends more time than is healthy at Roots Hall and used to be a referee. 

And here it is.

Despite the name, I'm a bloke. And I'm a bloke that does football. And I am going to talk about rape. And football and morality.

Ched Evans. Convicted rapist, professional footballer, scumbag…. Call him what you like. The fact remains that he is a convicted rapist, and should be treated like all convicted rapists.

He has no more rights than you or I.

If I were a rapist, I would lose my job. I would not be welcomed back with open arms once my prison term was over. I would do what everything other rapist has to do, and that’s apply for jobs with new employers with the word “rapist” on my CV.

And I am not special. You won’t find any teachers, policemen, fire fighters, doctors, civil servants, etc with “convicted rapist” on their CV. Whilst forgiveness is to be applauded, there are certain things your history won’t forgive.

You cannot be a role model and a rapist. It sends entirely the wrong message out to young and impressionable young men. Don’t believe me? There were a small group of Sheffield fans singing “Ched Evans, he screws who he likes”. Luvverly.

That hasn't stopped a couple of clubs sniffing around nor has it stopped a couple of Football People speaking out in favour him. But they’re wrong.

Gordon Taylor, as Secretary of the PFA, you were very, very wrong to question the conviction and then bring Hillsborough into the debate as an example when a judicial ruling can be over turned. As a union rep, I know sometimes you have to defend a member you’d rather not, but you massively dropped the ball. You should resign. Now.

Steve Bruce, a fine footballer and a half decent manager, you do not have any legal qualifications that permit you to voice your opinion that the conviction was wrong. You were not on the jury, you have not seen the evidence, you are speculating. If I were you, I’d be concentrating on keeping your team in the Premier League and not spouting shite about something you know fuck all about. On Match of the Day tonight, you should consider apologising for sticking your face in where it is not wanted.

But, despite some high profile rape apologists, there is a massive positive coming out of this…

We are not dealing with another Jimmy Saville or Rolf Harris when it was easy to understand the rights and wrongs of having sex with children. We are dealing with a rapist. A male of consensual age who has raped a female of consensual age.

Many football based forums have seen debates that have moved from people saying “yeah, we should sign him” and “what he did was ok” to “no we fucking shouldn't sign him” and “what he did was disgusting”.

This is primarily down to people speaking out against rape and explaining exactly what rape is, what it constitutes, how you should treat women, what saying “no” means and so on.

Many have now got an education on what exactly rape is. Yes, there is a laddish culture in football, but that is being chipped away at. The message is coming across loud and clear “NO MEANS NO” and silence must not be mistaken for “yes”.

In the real world outside football, I hope Evans apologises properly to his victim and his friends and family stop their campaign against her.

But I really hope that everyone learns a lesson from this, and if it prevents a young man becoming a rapist because he didn't know the rules then this entire debate will be worth it.

Hi, I'm Kerry. I was the man who "used to..". Nowadays I've a job that involves me knowing more about screws than is healthy........

On Pride and Patriotism

Been thinking a LOT recently. This will not be news to anyone who has read my 100 odd previous posts.

Today it has been mostly about patriotism and pride.

I just don't get it.

I am British. I was born here because my parents had sex here and my bio mum gave birth to me here.

Am I proud to be British? Erm, no.

I find it very difficult to engage in patriotism or pride in my country or whatever. Chiefly because I don't believe in borders. I know them to be a thing, this isn't like not believing in God, I just don't think we need them or should have them. I honestly think they have caused more trouble than they're worth.

With patriotism comes an over inflated idea of worth and entitlement. It leads to wanting to extend your borders and we all know what that leads to.

So, no, I am not proud to be British. All that means to me is colonialism and theft and murder. Not ever gonna be proud of those things. Ick.

I am a CIS woman.

Am I proud of that? Erm, no.

This is nothing I had any control over. When I was born I was assigned female and that feels right. It was genetics what done it M'Lud and I wouldn't change it. So my gender isn't anything to be inherently proud of unless you buy into the idea that being able to bear children makes you somehow superior which I don't. If you identify as a woman then that is good enough to me and I am not about to buy into a hierarchy of who is the 'better' woman. Patriarchy does that very well all by itself thank you, it needs no help from me. Also, babies are nice (I had three of them as it happens) but the biological equivalent of having a shit after you have eaten isn't actually anything to be proud of in itself.

Actually, if you look at it objectively then being a woman is a disadvantage. Patriarchy, pro lifers, lower wages, beauty standards, violence, fear.

Total pain in the arse in fact.

I am bisexual. Am I proud of that? Erm, no.

See above. Nothing I can control. Just my sexuality. Plus going down that road leads to things like Straight Pride and fuck that noise.

So, not proud of my gender, having given birth, the country I was born in, my sexuality.

Sounds a bit shit no?

Well no.

Because there are things that I can be proud of. Lots and lots of them. For instance:

I am proud that I fight for equality. I am proud that I am a feminist. I am proud that I take no shit.

I am proud that my children are decent human beings. I am proud that they can be who they are without worry that I will ever desert them for it.

I am proud that my no borders stance means that I will never hate someone, even in a 'jokey' way because they come from a different country to me.

I am proud of my LGBT activism. I may not be able to control my sexuality but I sure as hell can fight to make sure I and others are not killed for it.

I am proud of my creativity. My crochet and knitting. This blog.

And I am proud that I survive. That I thrive. That I am alive.

I am proud that I am able to have deep relationships and casual acquaintances. I am proud that I have come far enough to know the difference.

I am proud that I fight. For equality. For safety. Against prejudice in every form.

I am proud of me.

Hope you are proud of you too.

Deeva xxx

On Women Who Pull The Ladder Up After Themselves - Guest Post

This is by my good friend Angela. One of the best women I know.

GoddessDeeva and I first met in the noisy, crowded and suitably-Socialist-sounding bar tent called Bread and Roses on the Thursday evening at the Glastonbury Festival in 2013. We were in a huddle of reprobate Lefties, trade union activists and social workers, all soaking up the Workers' Beer Company's finest and looking forward to a full-on festival weekend. Loud music was involved.

Deeva and I have become firm friends since (which goes to prove that new friends met at Glasto aren't just for festivals), and we've found that we have similar views on a lot of what I'll call "rights issues".  As a former Director at Amnesty International, I do have my own personal soap box when it comes to human rights, labour rights, women's rights and more, so it's been great to meet someone in Deeva who can get as passionate and agitated as I do about these things.

So Deeva's union work and blogging got me thinking about my experience of what the world of work is like for women, particularly women in senior management roles. You know what? It can and generally does suck. Big time.

Over the last thirty years I've worked in the public, private and voluntary sectors, and, frankly, I can hear the same slow sucking sound in all three.  They each suck in their own slightly different musical key, but they've all got the same problems with a lack of pay equality and unhealthy gender imbalance at senior levels. Yes, there are opportunities for capable, confident ambitious women in each sector, but those basic inequalities are still there, despite all the good work of great trade union representatives and organisers like Deeva.

What *really* gets me back up on my soapbox however, is how piss-poorly most senior women behave in the workplace. Given the choice, I would *never* opt to work for a woman as my line manager, given my experiences. The ones I've worked for have either been macho ball-breakers in pin stripe suits, all trying to bully and out-tough the senior men, or the girly flowery-dress-and-matching-cardigan kind, who are all pretty, pretty smiles and a bit flirty on the surface, but are devious, lying manipulative bitches underneath.  You know who you are.

Now, I'd *love* this not to be the case, and to be able to say that I've had really great, supportive, mentoring professional female bosses.  But *everywhere* I've worked, the higher up I've been in the management hierarchy, the fewer women there have been and those above me have been either those Ball-Breakers or the Pretty Bitches. (I can only think of two exceptions in my direct experience, and I am still friends with them both after many years. No names.)

Getting on my soapbox yet again, the worst of this by far is that both the Ball-Breakers and the Pretty Bitches, the BBs and the PBs, treat the women who report to them so badly.  They seem to be able to relate to male colleagues, peers or seniors, but female subordinates = fair game, allegedly.

Somehow calling this behaviour "inappropriate" or "unprofessional" doesn't quite cover it. To give a couple of examples, I've had a female Deputy CEO (a BB) make jokes to an entire senior management team about how fabulous my breasts are, with *those* hand gestures. The gestures which sad, misguided, ill-informed men make in lingerie departments.  (My male manager, the CFO, was mortified, and told me after it had happened in my absence. I did not take it as a compliment).  In other news, I've had an annual performance bonus down-rated by a female manager (a PB) on the alleged grounds that I was "stubborn and always right".  Yes, I was right. PB simply failed to respect my professional property expertise and didn't understand that I was actually correct and knew what I was talking about. If I hadn't been "stubborn" and I had followed her advice, the organisation we both worked for would have lost a deal worth over £8 million. I'd probably have been sacked if that had happened...

The big, whopper elephant in the room problem here is that the BBs and the PBs both advance themselves and protect their own seniority in the workplace by *putting other women down*, particularly those women who are their subordinates and direct reports. That's not OK, and for me that's a soapbox issue.

I manage a lot of people in my current job, men and women alike. I try my hardest to treat them all professionally, fairly and equally.  I don't always get it right. I sometime wear a pinstripe suit. Some of my staff colleagues are more capable than others, but that doesn't mean that the best should get treated better by me than those who are less capable and need more of my support.  But what I never do is seek to make myself look better by putting *any* of them down. I'm hanging on to the thing that if they do well, all of them (female and male alike), then our whole team will do well. That means we're doing our job.

So why is it that there aren't more and better senior role models for women in the workplace? It is 2015, after all.  Why do the upper echelons have a female population of lots of BBs and PBs who treat other women badly? Maybe it's because there just aren't enough women in senior roles, and those who are have had to be either a BB or a PB to get there, to climb the greasy pole. I think that's just taking the worst of how senior men behave and copying aspects of that.

I do think there's a better way. It needs senior women to actively choose to behave differently, to be better role models for younger women coming into the workplace.


Meanwhile, I'm not putting up with it. I'm calling it out every time it happens, in the same way I'd call out poor behaviour by a male manager or colleague.  The BBs and the PBs are on notice from me.  It's time, ladies.

Ang, known in some online places as Lady Clanger, is an atheist, Socialist republican, a keeper of parrots and humongously large felines.  She's an activist in mind and at heart, who strives to Do The Right Thing, even if daily life sometimes gets in the way. Views here exclusively her own. 

On How To Be A Friend Or Not - Guest Post

This is my first guest post of the year. Hopefully it won't be the last. If you want to write one for me then let me know either on Twitter @goddessdeeva or by email goddessdeeva@gmail.com

This one is from my lovely friend Tina O'Farrell. Who, I have to say is one of the best friends anyone could ever ask for.

Anyhoo. Here it is.


A phrase I hear people saying to each other quite a lot lately, and indeed I use it myself is “you know how to be a friend”.  So, what does this mean exactly?  I can only give you my take on this but hopefully it will ring true.

Since I was old enough to understand the meaning of it, I have tried to live by the motto “do as you would be done by”.  I say tried, because sometimes I have failed miserably.  For example no one wants to be dumped but this is something that all of us have to do to someone else at some time in our lives.

What does friendship actually mean?

People use the term in different ways, for example, referring to all work colleagues as friends when, in reality, if you left that company you would never see them again.  Facebook calls everyone we interact with “friends”.  They are not all friends; they are contacts or acquaintances - just people we know either personally or by the wonders of social media.

Some of those people whom we have never met, however, do behave like proper friends.  They are there when you need them, ready to lend a sympathetic ear or help if help is needed.  They will come to you for advice or ideas.

During 2014, I have lost my best friend.  The trigger for this was that I said that I didn’t want to exchange gifts any more as I simply cannot afford it.  She took such umbrage at this that she just said “not happy”, immediately restricted me on FB and has been ignoring me.  I thought she would get over it and get in touch but so far, nothing.

There must be something else to it, surely!

Yes, I could ask but do I want to?  No, and here’s why:

Other friends say that this is a good thing and I am better off out of it.

Now that I am on the outside, I can see it for what it was and that was, I am afraid, an abusive relationship.  Many others saw this a long time ago and were telling me to ditch her as a friend.  I would defend her to the hilt, even through floods of tears at times.  “But she so often hurts you and makes you cry. Dump her” is amongst advice I was given. Well, turns out I didn’t have to cos she’s now dumped me for the most ridiculous of reasons!!


“Abusive” can be true of a lot of what we consider to be close friendships.  Whilst people normally reserve this word for a partner or a parent, it is startlingly real of friendships and we allow it to happen because we just don’t see it or appreciate it for what it is.

Think about those you consider closest to you.  Are they really?  Or are they just close when it suits them?  Do they ignore your texts and messages for days on end and then suddenly, when they want a favour or when something irks them and they want someone to moan to, you are absolutely the only person that will do and they have to talk to you now, this minute! No, what are you doing – I NEED YOU NOW!!!!  Are you only ever good for listening to their problems or cheering them up when they feel low?  What about when you feel low?  Are they anywhere to be seen?  Do they drop you like a hot potato when a new love interest comes along but then want to cry on your shoulder when it all goes wrong?  Are you always the one who has to stay sober and drive when you go out?

A proper friendship should be give and take and compromise.  If it’s all give on one person’s part and all take on the other’s then that isn’t a friendship, the giver is being used and abused and the more they allow it to happen, the more it WILL happen.

Ditch the deadwood from your life.  Surround yourself with people who DO know how to be friends and are there to both take and give, in good times and bad.  And make the effort yourself to think about how you are behaving towards others, because karma can be a funny old thing…..

50 year old inhabitant of darkest Cornwall. Tried marriage twice but now a happily single, pole dancing medical secretary. 

People Who Can Fuck All The Way Off

Happy New Year everyone who marked it on 1st Jan!

For the rest of you, happy January!

One of my resolutions this year is to try to blog weekly. I'm feeling this might be the year it takes off...

I said as a (sort of) joke that I might start the year with a big list of people who can fuck off. This seemed to be popular with regular readers so here we go.

This list is neither exhaustive nor in any order. Buckle up, it's gonna get sweary and I'm putting a content warning for rape, transphobic bullshittery and general abusive fuckwittery right here.

TERRY WOGAN
Do us all a favour and fuck off. Serial scab and didn't report Jimmy Savile. And you know what, this scared thing cuts no fucking ice with me. A group of you would have an impact. Children got fucked. And you said nothing.

ESTHER RANTZEN
I truly hope you choke on your New Years Honour. Childline is an awesome, wonderful thing but you too kept quiet. Fuck off.

RICHARD DAWKINS
Your a dick.

TONY BLAIR
War criminal.

LADY GAGA
Assange apologist and professional Madonna tribute act. Fuck off.

JULIAN ASSANGE
Go to Sweden and face trial. Your hiding in a fucking embassy of all places while acting like a Lidls fucking version of the FOI Messiah makes me sick.

CHED EVANS
NOPE. Convicted rapist that refuses to believe he has done anything wrong has encouraged the doxxing of his victim so she has had to move five fucking times. And football 'fans' chant that he shags who he wants. Fuck all the way off you rapist slime. Or come round and I will kick you till my feet break.

NIGEL FARAGE
There aren't enough words to describe how I feel about you. Scaremongering, nasty, slimey, vicious piece of shit. Fuck all the way off.

CATHY BRENNAN
Dangerous nasty woman hating piece of shit. Trans women are not chicks with dicks. Fuck off. Forever.

ROB TICHENOR
Yes I know you are a fictional character. However, you are based on real life abusive, gaslighting bastards and I would happily hit you in the face with a chair until I got bored. Which would be never.

DAVID CAMERON
You and your ilk are watching people starve on your watch. You have no humanity. I'm not sure you are even human. Your welfare reforms are akin to eugenics and I will not rest until you are gone.

ED MILIBAND
It is not enough to be witty at PMQs. Pledge to reverse all cuts and then you will win a landslide. Until then it's back under your rock for you.

NICK CLEGG 
Student fees. Bedroom tax. Fuck off. Liar.

GAMER GATERS
It isn't about ethics in games journalism actually, it's about hurting and silencing women.

(and here is where I switched from my phone onto my netbook. It has totally fucked up the formatting. Apologies for that.) 

NADINE DORRIES

I fucking loathe you. You call yourself a feminist and then try and restrict access to abortion. Go fuck yourself. Or eat some kangaroo testicles or whatever. You have no business in my uterus. 

LOUISE MENSCH
I loathe you too. You are all that is wrong with white middle class feminism. And you glory in death.

WOODY ALLEN
I believe her. 

JOAN RIVERS
Yes, I know she is dead. She can still fuck off.

ADAM BLOOM
You are racist, sexist, homophobic and just not fucking funny. 

RUSSELL BRAND
When you stop calling women 'love' at the end of a sentence I might have a bit more time for you. Till then, you know the drill, fuck off.

DAPPER LAUGHS
Nope.

ANYONE WHO HAS EVER THOUGHT THAT 'JOKES' ABOUT RAPE, TRANS PEOPLE, RACE, GENDER OR SEXUALITY WERE EVER FUNNY. 
IF YOU THINK THAT WOMEN ARE BITCHES, CRAZY, HARD WORK OR HIGH MAINTENANCE. IF YOU CATCALL WOMEN. IF YOU THINK CHED EVANS DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE.
Fuck all the way off. Yep, you too. You are what I am fighting against. You make it hard for me to walk out of the door in the morning.

Fuck off. All the way off. And when you get there, come back here and fuck all the way off again. 

Wow, that was cathartic!

Will probably add more to the list as the year goes on. Until then, take care and try not to end up on my list!