This is my first guest post of the year. Hopefully it won't be the last. If you want to write one for me then let me know either on Twitter @goddessdeeva or by email goddessdeeva@gmail.com
This one is from my lovely friend Tina O'Farrell. Who, I have to say is one of the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
Anyhoo. Here it is.A phrase I hear people saying to each other quite a lot lately, and indeed I use it myself is “you know how to be a friend”. So, what does this mean exactly? I can only give you my take on this but hopefully it will ring true.
Since I was old enough to understand the meaning of it, I have tried to live by the motto “do as you would be done by”. I say tried, because sometimes I have failed miserably. For example no one wants to be dumped but this is something that all of us have to do to someone else at some time in our lives.
What does friendship actually mean?
People use the term in different ways, for example, referring to all work colleagues as friends when, in reality, if you left that company you would never see them again. Facebook calls everyone we interact with “friends”. They are not all friends; they are contacts or acquaintances - just people we know either personally or by the wonders of social media.
Some of those people whom we have never met, however, do behave like proper friends. They are there when you need them, ready to lend a sympathetic ear or help if help is needed. They will come to you for advice or ideas.
During 2014, I have lost my best friend. The trigger for this was that I said that I didn’t want to exchange gifts any more as I simply cannot afford it. She took such umbrage at this that she just said “not happy”, immediately restricted me on FB and has been ignoring me. I thought she would get over it and get in touch but so far, nothing.
There must be something else to it, surely!
Yes, I could ask but do I want to? No, and here’s why:
Other friends say that this is a good thing and I am better off out of it.
Now that I am on the outside, I can see it for what it was and that was, I am afraid, an abusive relationship. Many others saw this a long time ago and were telling me to ditch her as a friend. I would defend her to the hilt, even through floods of tears at times. “But she so often hurts you and makes you cry. Dump her” is amongst advice I was given. Well, turns out I didn’t have to cos she’s now dumped me for the most ridiculous of reasons!!
“Abusive” can be true of a lot of what we consider to be close friendships. Whilst people normally reserve this word for a partner or a parent, it is startlingly real of friendships and we allow it to happen because we just don’t see it or appreciate it for what it is.
Think about those you consider closest to you. Are they really? Or are they just close when it suits them? Do they ignore your texts and messages for days on end and then suddenly, when they want a favour or when something irks them and they want someone to moan to, you are absolutely the only person that will do and they have to talk to you now, this minute! No, what are you doing – I NEED YOU NOW!!!! Are you only ever good for listening to their problems or cheering them up when they feel low? What about when you feel low? Are they anywhere to be seen? Do they drop you like a hot potato when a new love interest comes along but then want to cry on your shoulder when it all goes wrong? Are you always the one who has to stay sober and drive when you go out?
A proper friendship should be give and take and compromise. If it’s all give on one person’s part and all take on the other’s then that isn’t a friendship, the giver is being used and abused and the more they allow it to happen, the more it WILL happen.
Ditch the deadwood from your life. Surround yourself with people who DO know how to be friends and are there to both take and give, in good times and bad. And make the effort yourself to think about how you are behaving towards others, because karma can be a funny old thing…..
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