Feeling kind of melancholy this evening.
You see my Uncle Terry just died. He wasn't blood related, he was one of those family friends who you grow up calling uncle. This doesn't mean he wasn't my real uncle because he was. He encouraged me to play the piano for my dad and gave me a cuddle when my dad was dismissive. (I never played the piano again after this so it sticks in my mind that he was kind to me at that moment) I saw him as a quiet man, unless there was rum involved, and I loved him dearly.
I hadn't actually seen Uncle Terry for quite a few years but that didn't matter. He was a constant. He was nice to me when I was a kid without wanting anything in return. He wasn't creepy, he wasn't loud, he was just Uncle Terry.
And the world is a poorer place without him.
It has got me thinking about death though.
I keep getting phone calls you see telling me that yet another contemporary of my parents has shuffled off this mortal coil and yet they are still both alive.
Regular readers of this blog know that my relationship with my parents has been difficult and that I am actually trying to sort things out with my dad and biomum. It isn't always easy but I am trying and so are they.
It occurs to me that one day (Bio mum is 65 and dad is 80) I will get a phone call to tell me they have died. And I don't know how I will feel about it.
For years I said I would only go to Biomum's funeral to make sure she was dead and that when my dad went I would cheer but these days I am more mellow about them and not sure how I will feel.
I know it won't be joy and that is an improvement right?
I never know how I am going to feel about a certain situation until I am in it. When my depression and PTSD were at their worst I truly worried that I was a psycopath and that scared me (this fear is apparently quite common in sufferers).
Not sure where I am going with this post if I am honest. Maybe a link between ambivalence about the death of my parents and my past abuse and current mental health?
I don't know.
I do know that I am not looking forward to it and that I miss my Uncle Brian who died last year and my Uncle Terry who died today. They loved me and were kind to me.
Maybe that will be their legacy, to be remembered with love by someone they were kind to.
We should all wish for such.
