Let me start off by saying I couldn't give a flying fuck about religion. If you want to believe in a big bearded man in the sky who gets angry when you wank then all power to you. It's not for me, and I'm sure if there is a god then they have better things to do than watch me fantasize over Angelina Jolie. Or maybe not, judging by the state of the planet.
But I digress.
One thing I can believe in is the Pope. Not in him being gods representative in earth natch, but in him as a man with a pretty cushty job.
One he has decided to resign from.
So here is my pitch for the job. Laying aside the fact that I'm a woman and a lapsed Catholic (REALLY lapsed) I think I'd be aces at it.
So here are the things I'd do if I got the job.
1. I'd sell off the Vatican treasures and solve world hunger.
2. Let the African nations know that a loving god would prefer to have them use a condom than die.
3. Women bishops? Sure thing.
4. Abortion on demand? Yep, it's your body, you do what is best for you sisters.
5. *whispers* hey, paedo priests. Coming for ya. Gonna turn the whole lot of you over to the police. Rot in hell you sick fucks.
6. Equal marriage. Yep, you can have that. Love is love. Not sure what the last guy was on about.
7. I'd move the Holy See to Bristol. Me and The Lovely like it here.
8. I would totally rock the frock and hat.
9. Rather than ask for money in the collection plate I would give money to the poor.
10. I would order people to stop fighting in God's name. It isn't important how you worship, being a good person is the thing.
So vote #deevaforpope
It's not like I could do any worse than the last dude.
Monday, 11 February 2013
Sunday, 3 February 2013
Something Rotten In The State of the SWP?
Nick Cohen has written an article on why the left are not good feminists.
What a shame it doesn't actually say an awful lot about feminism.
What is does, purposefully or not, is tar all far left organisations as rapists.
When I saw Cohen's article, it had been tweeted with the accompanying statement 'why the far left rape'. And I couldn't let that go unanswered.
And this is why.
Apart from the fact that the SWP isn't the entirety of the far left, the far left do not rape, it is individuals who rape.
Tarring everyone with the same brush is in itself anti feminist. All it does is enable those who would rape by hiding them in plain sight. If all far left wingers are expected to rape then this is not going to be a problem is it? It is actually, in its own strange way rape apology.
Yes, there has and continues to be something very wrong in the hierarchy of the SWP when a woman who has been brave enough to speak out about rape is not supported, Yes, there is something very wrong when rather than support her through the extremely dicey waters of the British Justice System, a system that we know is anti women and prone to the same rape apology and slut shaming misogyny as the rest of society, they decide to do the 'justice' in house. Yes, there is something very wrong when any subsequent court case would now be tarnished precisely because of this kangaroo court that saw the accused walk free. (aside: what the fuck could they have done but expel him had they found him guilty for fucks sake?)
But you know what?
Not all far left organisations are like that. Cohen tarring them all with the same something is rotten in the state of the SWP brush is wrong headed lazy journalism at best. At worst it is, or at least appears to be a personal axe to grind.
I am not a member of the SWP, nor would I ever condone what has occurred here, but I am a member of a left wing faction in my union. It isn't perfect, not in any way, shape or form but it does take rape very seriously. And is trying to educate itself into being a better feminist ally.
And what of those who hold far left political views who are not in any organisation? Are they just waiting for their chance to rape unsuspecting women? No. Not all of them. And to suggest, even tacitly, that being a far left winger means that you are is offensive, insulting and just plain wrong. Worse, it feeds into the rape culture it is fighting against.
And what of those SWP members who are trying to do the right thing? In an organisation that is as shady as Cohen is trying to paint it we would never have known anything had happened at all. But we have. It has been shouted from the rooftops by those who are defending their female comrades and railing against the very misogynist rape culture that enabled this to happen.
I find myself wondering, is this actually a political issue? (I mean, apart from the fact that feminism, rape, rape culture and misogyny is always political) Is this a left v right thing?
I was asked what I would be saying if it were a right wing organisation. I examined my own bias, as a left winger and came up with this.
I would say that there are some rapists in the far right. I would say that those individuals are responsible for their own behaviour. I would say that rape culture and misogyny had something to do with it. I would point out that misogyny and rape culture are embedded in the policies of the far right in a way that it isn't in the far left. I would also say that though I abhor far right politics with every fibre of my being, see my post on 28,000 votes the BNP got in the London Mayoral Election, that I would applaud anyone who brought this to light.
I would say that this is a right v wrong issue.
And I would applaud anyone who brings misogyny, rape culture, victim blaming or slut shaming to light.
The far left doesn't rape. People rape.
Cohen would do well to remember that.
What a shame it doesn't actually say an awful lot about feminism.
What is does, purposefully or not, is tar all far left organisations as rapists.
When I saw Cohen's article, it had been tweeted with the accompanying statement 'why the far left rape'. And I couldn't let that go unanswered.
And this is why.
Apart from the fact that the SWP isn't the entirety of the far left, the far left do not rape, it is individuals who rape.
Tarring everyone with the same brush is in itself anti feminist. All it does is enable those who would rape by hiding them in plain sight. If all far left wingers are expected to rape then this is not going to be a problem is it? It is actually, in its own strange way rape apology.
Yes, there has and continues to be something very wrong in the hierarchy of the SWP when a woman who has been brave enough to speak out about rape is not supported, Yes, there is something very wrong when rather than support her through the extremely dicey waters of the British Justice System, a system that we know is anti women and prone to the same rape apology and slut shaming misogyny as the rest of society, they decide to do the 'justice' in house. Yes, there is something very wrong when any subsequent court case would now be tarnished precisely because of this kangaroo court that saw the accused walk free. (aside: what the fuck could they have done but expel him had they found him guilty for fucks sake?)
But you know what?
Not all far left organisations are like that. Cohen tarring them all with the same something is rotten in the state of the SWP brush is wrong headed lazy journalism at best. At worst it is, or at least appears to be a personal axe to grind.
I am not a member of the SWP, nor would I ever condone what has occurred here, but I am a member of a left wing faction in my union. It isn't perfect, not in any way, shape or form but it does take rape very seriously. And is trying to educate itself into being a better feminist ally.
And what of those who hold far left political views who are not in any organisation? Are they just waiting for their chance to rape unsuspecting women? No. Not all of them. And to suggest, even tacitly, that being a far left winger means that you are is offensive, insulting and just plain wrong. Worse, it feeds into the rape culture it is fighting against.
And what of those SWP members who are trying to do the right thing? In an organisation that is as shady as Cohen is trying to paint it we would never have known anything had happened at all. But we have. It has been shouted from the rooftops by those who are defending their female comrades and railing against the very misogynist rape culture that enabled this to happen.
I find myself wondering, is this actually a political issue? (I mean, apart from the fact that feminism, rape, rape culture and misogyny is always political) Is this a left v right thing?
I was asked what I would be saying if it were a right wing organisation. I examined my own bias, as a left winger and came up with this.
I would say that there are some rapists in the far right. I would say that those individuals are responsible for their own behaviour. I would say that rape culture and misogyny had something to do with it. I would point out that misogyny and rape culture are embedded in the policies of the far right in a way that it isn't in the far left. I would also say that though I abhor far right politics with every fibre of my being, see my post on 28,000 votes the BNP got in the London Mayoral Election, that I would applaud anyone who brought this to light.
I would say that this is a right v wrong issue.
And I would applaud anyone who brings misogyny, rape culture, victim blaming or slut shaming to light.
The far left doesn't rape. People rape.
Cohen would do well to remember that.
Saturday, 26 January 2013
Tall Tales - Internalising Being Unfeminine
My height has long been an issue for me. I am the tallest one in my family. A family of petite women.
I'm taller than both my parents and all of my siblings. Including the boys.
I'm taller than my female cousin.
I'm taller than most women.
And boy, have I felt it.
Why? Because society makes tall women feel unfeminine. Other.
There are exceptions of course, supermodels are tall and held up as bastions of beauty. But what if you're as tall as one, but not as slim or 'beautiful'? (don't get me started on body policing and definitions of beauty) Then you have failed at being feminine. Again.
And heaven forbid you are taller than your man! This is still noteworthy in a society that sees tall women as less feminine. I tower over The Lovely when I am in heels. Should it matter? No. Have I been conditioned to believe it does? Yes. Do I let it stop me wearing heels? Sometimes.
So I buy beautiful shoes then just look at them.
As a teenager, surrounded by petite feminine women I was referred to as gangly and lanky. I have always had quite a deep, husky voice too, and hence was called manly. I was ungraceful, a tomboy, not a proper girl. That I walked around stooped over at the shoulders in a vain attempt to disguise my height just added to this.
There were those (usually men) who referred to me as Amazonian and Statuesque, but as I had already internalised the messages from my family this felt like a polite way of saying unfeminine. A bit like saying big boned instead of fat (don't even start me on fat shaming).
And what of being an Amazon? What images does that word bring? Strong? Sassy? Warrior like? Sexy? You know what, not only is that a hell of a thing to live up to, but it suggests that tall women can't have their insecurities just like everyone else. It also enables the patronising and infantalising of short women who struggle to be taken seriously. My friend Wendy put it best when she said 'when people can look down on you physically they do it mentally too.'
Sometimes my height has been fetishised. There are men and women who positively drool over my height. That made me feel like an object, a freak and contributed to my feeling of otherness.
ROLL UP! ROLL UP AND SEE THE TALL WOMAN IN HER HEELS WITH HER LONG LEGS AND MASSIVE BOOBS! TWO TICKETS FOR A POUND!
Just no. I'm not here to be objectified or fetishised.
This may be a shock, but our height does not define our personality any more than our hair or eye colour. Redheads are not more fiery, green eyes don't mean you are more passionate. And I say this as someone with green eyes.
It's just genetics. I'm tall. Society should just get over it. I know I will.
And I will wear the beautiful shoes.
So if you really feel you must describe me in terms of my height, how about just saying tall. That'll do, you know.
And fuck anyone who is threatened by my being tall. It says more about you than it does about me.
I'm taller than both my parents and all of my siblings. Including the boys.
I'm taller than my female cousin.
I'm taller than most women.
And boy, have I felt it.
Why? Because society makes tall women feel unfeminine. Other.
There are exceptions of course, supermodels are tall and held up as bastions of beauty. But what if you're as tall as one, but not as slim or 'beautiful'? (don't get me started on body policing and definitions of beauty) Then you have failed at being feminine. Again.
And heaven forbid you are taller than your man! This is still noteworthy in a society that sees tall women as less feminine. I tower over The Lovely when I am in heels. Should it matter? No. Have I been conditioned to believe it does? Yes. Do I let it stop me wearing heels? Sometimes.
So I buy beautiful shoes then just look at them.
As a teenager, surrounded by petite feminine women I was referred to as gangly and lanky. I have always had quite a deep, husky voice too, and hence was called manly. I was ungraceful, a tomboy, not a proper girl. That I walked around stooped over at the shoulders in a vain attempt to disguise my height just added to this.
There were those (usually men) who referred to me as Amazonian and Statuesque, but as I had already internalised the messages from my family this felt like a polite way of saying unfeminine. A bit like saying big boned instead of fat (don't even start me on fat shaming).
And what of being an Amazon? What images does that word bring? Strong? Sassy? Warrior like? Sexy? You know what, not only is that a hell of a thing to live up to, but it suggests that tall women can't have their insecurities just like everyone else. It also enables the patronising and infantalising of short women who struggle to be taken seriously. My friend Wendy put it best when she said 'when people can look down on you physically they do it mentally too.'
Sometimes my height has been fetishised. There are men and women who positively drool over my height. That made me feel like an object, a freak and contributed to my feeling of otherness.
ROLL UP! ROLL UP AND SEE THE TALL WOMAN IN HER HEELS WITH HER LONG LEGS AND MASSIVE BOOBS! TWO TICKETS FOR A POUND!
Just no. I'm not here to be objectified or fetishised.
This may be a shock, but our height does not define our personality any more than our hair or eye colour. Redheads are not more fiery, green eyes don't mean you are more passionate. And I say this as someone with green eyes.
It's just genetics. I'm tall. Society should just get over it. I know I will.
And I will wear the beautiful shoes.
So if you really feel you must describe me in terms of my height, how about just saying tall. That'll do, you know.
And fuck anyone who is threatened by my being tall. It says more about you than it does about me.
Sunday, 6 January 2013
No, I Don't Deserve To Be Raped.
Been meaning to write this blog post for a while, but xmas, new year and a stinking cold got in the way. Am writing it now because of a conversation I had with a total dick on Twitter. @CharlieStargatt just in case you wish to avoid him.
He asserted that if a woman is dressed provocatively, drunk and flirting, when she gets raped it is partly her fault.
I'm sure you can imagine how well that went down with me.
We argued back and forth for a while, I said ' @CharlieStargatt by your logic any woman who openly flirts with a man is to blame when she gets raped.'
He replied with ' @goddessdeeva oh my god really... in this given situation... the woman is PARTLY TO BLAME!!!!! I'm not saying the man isn't in the wrong..'
I felt sick. Physically sick. I told him I wept for him and hoped he never had daughters. Then I blocked him.
So why this post today? Because, alas, he is not alone. There are men and women, who because of slut shaming, victims blaming , patriarchy and rape culture generally really believe that this is a thing. That a woman who dresses 'provocatively', has a drink and flirts deserves to be raped. That she is to blame. If only 'partly'.
This goes out to all of you.
When I go out, I wear clothes that are sometimes tight, short and revealing. When I do this am I saying?
a) I am wearing these clothes because I like them and I am comfortable in my own skin.
b) I am wearing these clothes to provoke your innate sense of manliness and incite you to a sexual act over which you have no control.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.
I sometimes like to drink when I go out. Sometimes, hard to believe I know, to excess. Am I saying?
a) I'm a grown woman who likes a drink sometimes.
b) I am purposefully inebriating myself so that I may make your conquest of me easier, as obviously you are a man who cannot control his urges.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.
I'm quite a friendly person whether or not I've been drinking and I have a genuine interest in people. I may end up in the smoking area of a pub chatting to you. I may be smiling, tactile, laughing at your jokes.
One last time then, am I saying?
a) You seem like a nice guy to have a chat with, I am going to chat to you while I feel safe in your company.
b) I'm only talking to you because I obviously fancy you and I want to make it easier for you to assert your manly ways over me.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.
Let me make this VERY CLEAR, I could be drunk, naked, and lying legs akimbo in the street, the answer is NEVER going to be please force your penis inside me against my will.
I am not responsible for the actions of a rapist. A rapist is responsible for the actions of a rapist.
She lead me on is not an excuse. I could change my mind part way through and if you didn't stop when I told you to it would be rape.
So fuck you if you think I or any other person deserves to be raped because of their actions.
It's yours you want to be looking at.
Happy new year.
He asserted that if a woman is dressed provocatively, drunk and flirting, when she gets raped it is partly her fault.
I'm sure you can imagine how well that went down with me.
We argued back and forth for a while, I said ' @CharlieStargatt by your logic any woman who openly flirts with a man is to blame when she gets raped.'
He replied with ' @goddessdeeva oh my god really... in this given situation... the woman is PARTLY TO BLAME!!!!! I'm not saying the man isn't in the wrong..'
I felt sick. Physically sick. I told him I wept for him and hoped he never had daughters. Then I blocked him.
So why this post today? Because, alas, he is not alone. There are men and women, who because of slut shaming, victims blaming , patriarchy and rape culture generally really believe that this is a thing. That a woman who dresses 'provocatively', has a drink and flirts deserves to be raped. That she is to blame. If only 'partly'.
This goes out to all of you.
When I go out, I wear clothes that are sometimes tight, short and revealing. When I do this am I saying?
a) I am wearing these clothes because I like them and I am comfortable in my own skin.
b) I am wearing these clothes to provoke your innate sense of manliness and incite you to a sexual act over which you have no control.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.
I sometimes like to drink when I go out. Sometimes, hard to believe I know, to excess. Am I saying?
a) I'm a grown woman who likes a drink sometimes.
b) I am purposefully inebriating myself so that I may make your conquest of me easier, as obviously you are a man who cannot control his urges.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.
I'm quite a friendly person whether or not I've been drinking and I have a genuine interest in people. I may end up in the smoking area of a pub chatting to you. I may be smiling, tactile, laughing at your jokes.
One last time then, am I saying?
a) You seem like a nice guy to have a chat with, I am going to chat to you while I feel safe in your company.
b) I'm only talking to you because I obviously fancy you and I want to make it easier for you to assert your manly ways over me.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.
Let me make this VERY CLEAR, I could be drunk, naked, and lying legs akimbo in the street, the answer is NEVER going to be please force your penis inside me against my will.
I am not responsible for the actions of a rapist. A rapist is responsible for the actions of a rapist.
She lead me on is not an excuse. I could change my mind part way through and if you didn't stop when I told you to it would be rape.
So fuck you if you think I or any other person deserves to be raped because of their actions.
It's yours you want to be looking at.
Happy new year.
Monday, 31 December 2012
Violence Against Women - An IRL Global Problem No Matter What We Are Told
You know when sometimes you wish you'd gone to bed instead of staying up a little longer reading Twitter? Well, that was me last night. It all started when I read this brilliant article on how Violence Against Women (VAW) was a global problem by @OwenJones84.
It was insightful, and helpful and I was really pleased that there was a global call to arms to do something about VAW.
Then @sunny_hundal took issue with it. Ok, so far so predictable, a spat between two men on what is a women's issue but I let that slide. I then made my fatal error. I asked him what he didn't agree with. And I got this as a reply.
Sunny Hundal @sunny_hundal
@goddessdeeva main disagreement that just because rape culture prevalent in both countries doesn't mean one can't be much worse.
Oh good lord, where to even start?
I could have gone the easy route and done the whole 'don't even start that with me, you are a man, I have no interest' route but it felt lazy somehow. So I replied with this.
Goddessdeeva @goddessdeeva
@sunny_hundal just trying to get my head round a sliding scale of rape culture. Nope. Can't do it. All rape culture is as bad as it can get.
And this...
@sunny_hundal if we start a league table of rape culture we invalidate women's experience and that helps not one single woman.
And lo and behold, even though I avoided the lazy route, he asks me if I have ever been an Indian Woman.
CORRECTION: Having had a discussion and gone over last night's tweets, what Sunny Hundal ACTUALLY asked is if I had ever lived in India. The suggestion being that if I haven't then I have no authority to talk about this issue. This doesn't actually change anything, he is still wrong about rape culture league tables and the rest of this post still stands.
Well, no, I have to admit I haven't.
But here is what DOES make me qualified to argue with him on this issue.
I am aware of the issues. And from more than reading about them. I used to live in a city where there was a huge Indian and Pakistani populace, and I lived right in the middle of it. They were my neighbours and my friends. And as such, when they told me of a woman who was being beaten, raped, or forced into marriage that needed hiding for a bit, I would do it. Without even thinking about it. And when they were staying at my house and I was helping plan their escape we would talk. And I would listen. And would face up to their male relatives when they turned up on my doorstep threatening violence towards me. Inventive with their threats too they were.
I have to say that not all of these women managed to escape. That broke my heart. But some of them did. And that made it worth the threats.
Still a bit too peripheral for you Sunny? Try this then.
I am mixed race. Apparently I kinda 'look Asiany'. However, I am not, and have never claimed to be. Where I lived in said city, I would get spat at, cat called, slapped on the arse, groped, harassed, threatened with rape on a daily basis, cornered and leered at because I was a woman in western (read provocative) clothing who looked Asian.
So, yeah.... I feel I'm qualified to talk about the subject.
Also, and this is an important one here, I am a woman.
This means that EVERY WAKING MOMENT of my life outside my home has been risk assessed.
That's right, every moment. Even going across the road to buy bread. This is what we live with. Every day. The knowledge that at any time we may be harassed, abducted, beaten, raped or killed. Because we are women. And because rape culture says it is ok to do so. Much as I hate to say it, men, with their starting position of privilege will never be able to understand this. Never know how it feels to constantly be aware that today could be the day it all comes crashing down. As it does for thousands of women daily.
So don't you dare pit one country's rape culture against another. Just don't you dare! When you do that you not only invalidate the experiences of women (and men, I get that, but I can't write from that perspective as I'm not one) globally, but you damage the work that is ongoing on this.
Every woman is my sister and when I hear of even one of them being subjected to VAW it hurts me and makes me angry. No matter where on the planet they are.
I do not know ONE WOMAN who saw what happened in Delhi and said 'Nothing to do with me, it's India innit?' Not one. I do know Indian women who are appalled that there seems to be this league table of rape culture building up. It is divisive and helps not a single woman.
I asked Sunny two things last night. One, have you ever been a raped woman? And two, listen to the women.
The first I already knew the answer to.
In reply to the second was this article and links to articles written by women.
Throw as many links at me as you like Sunny, I am talking to women. Real, IRL, LIVE women who want help from their sisters across the world to fight what is undoubtedly a horrific place and time to live. Not just academics, not just women who have platforms in papers etc, normal, real, everyday women.
My hope for this year is that it will be the year that the mansplainers realise that if they want to be feminist allies that there needs to be less telling us how it is and more listening to what help we want.
I also hope that the millions of women around the world unite, free of rape culture league tables and fight VAW together.
Enough is enough sisters.
It was insightful, and helpful and I was really pleased that there was a global call to arms to do something about VAW.
Then @sunny_hundal took issue with it. Ok, so far so predictable, a spat between two men on what is a women's issue but I let that slide. I then made my fatal error. I asked him what he didn't agree with. And I got this as a reply.
Sunny Hundal @sunny_hundal
@goddessdeeva main disagreement that just because rape culture prevalent in both countries doesn't mean one can't be much worse.
Oh good lord, where to even start?
I could have gone the easy route and done the whole 'don't even start that with me, you are a man, I have no interest' route but it felt lazy somehow. So I replied with this.
Goddessdeeva @goddessdeeva
@sunny_hundal just trying to get my head round a sliding scale of rape culture. Nope. Can't do it. All rape culture is as bad as it can get.
And this...
@sunny_hundal if we start a league table of rape culture we invalidate women's experience and that helps not one single woman.
And lo and behold, even though I avoided the lazy route, he asks me if I have ever been an Indian Woman.
CORRECTION: Having had a discussion and gone over last night's tweets, what Sunny Hundal ACTUALLY asked is if I had ever lived in India. The suggestion being that if I haven't then I have no authority to talk about this issue. This doesn't actually change anything, he is still wrong about rape culture league tables and the rest of this post still stands.
Well, no, I have to admit I haven't.
But here is what DOES make me qualified to argue with him on this issue.
I am aware of the issues. And from more than reading about them. I used to live in a city where there was a huge Indian and Pakistani populace, and I lived right in the middle of it. They were my neighbours and my friends. And as such, when they told me of a woman who was being beaten, raped, or forced into marriage that needed hiding for a bit, I would do it. Without even thinking about it. And when they were staying at my house and I was helping plan their escape we would talk. And I would listen. And would face up to their male relatives when they turned up on my doorstep threatening violence towards me. Inventive with their threats too they were.
I have to say that not all of these women managed to escape. That broke my heart. But some of them did. And that made it worth the threats.
Still a bit too peripheral for you Sunny? Try this then.
I am mixed race. Apparently I kinda 'look Asiany'. However, I am not, and have never claimed to be. Where I lived in said city, I would get spat at, cat called, slapped on the arse, groped, harassed, threatened with rape on a daily basis, cornered and leered at because I was a woman in western (read provocative) clothing who looked Asian.
So, yeah.... I feel I'm qualified to talk about the subject.
Also, and this is an important one here, I am a woman.
This means that EVERY WAKING MOMENT of my life outside my home has been risk assessed.
That's right, every moment. Even going across the road to buy bread. This is what we live with. Every day. The knowledge that at any time we may be harassed, abducted, beaten, raped or killed. Because we are women. And because rape culture says it is ok to do so. Much as I hate to say it, men, with their starting position of privilege will never be able to understand this. Never know how it feels to constantly be aware that today could be the day it all comes crashing down. As it does for thousands of women daily.
So don't you dare pit one country's rape culture against another. Just don't you dare! When you do that you not only invalidate the experiences of women (and men, I get that, but I can't write from that perspective as I'm not one) globally, but you damage the work that is ongoing on this.
Every woman is my sister and when I hear of even one of them being subjected to VAW it hurts me and makes me angry. No matter where on the planet they are.
I do not know ONE WOMAN who saw what happened in Delhi and said 'Nothing to do with me, it's India innit?' Not one. I do know Indian women who are appalled that there seems to be this league table of rape culture building up. It is divisive and helps not a single woman.
I asked Sunny two things last night. One, have you ever been a raped woman? And two, listen to the women.
The first I already knew the answer to.
In reply to the second was this article and links to articles written by women.
Throw as many links at me as you like Sunny, I am talking to women. Real, IRL, LIVE women who want help from their sisters across the world to fight what is undoubtedly a horrific place and time to live. Not just academics, not just women who have platforms in papers etc, normal, real, everyday women.
My hope for this year is that it will be the year that the mansplainers realise that if they want to be feminist allies that there needs to be less telling us how it is and more listening to what help we want.
I also hope that the millions of women around the world unite, free of rape culture league tables and fight VAW together.
Enough is enough sisters.
Monday, 17 December 2012
On Being A Sexually Aware Teenager
Read a Huff Post article today which made me more mad than I have been for a long while.
I'm conflicted as to whether or not to link to it as I'm sure it's link bait. You know, when online papers print something so FUCKING outrageous that you're sure it's just so they can get you to their website.
At least I HOPE that's what happened. Fuck knows.
The article was dealing with the fact that 13 year old girls have sexual thoughts. Anyone who is shocked at that is either in some fucking deep denial or has never been a 13 year old girl.
Personally I have been. And shock, horror, I had sexual thoughts. Fantasies too. My burgeoning sexuality was a thing to behold. I had the first of many orgasms as I discovered myself. Shut, I couldn't stop, I was seriously worried that I was going to do damage to my insides (Catholic school for ya) but I didn't care. My nightly forays into my sexuality were comforting, exciting and addictive.
I was never alone in my night world. I usually had someone famous with me. Simon le Bon was a regular, as was David Sylvain. At the same time on occasion. There were times when the partners in my fantasies were numerous and of both genders.
But you know what? I was 13. This behaviour is, I believe, not only normal, but safe and healthy.
I was a total wanker.
Does that mean I was overtly sexual? Sometimes. It is normal for teenage girls to flirt with men. It's how they learn. It is generally a safe, innocent thing and totally harmless.
Does it mean that I wanted to have sex? Sometimes. I was sexually awake and very curious about what it would actually feel like. Especially with someone I was madly in love with (there is still part of me that is annoyed that I was never Mrs Le Bon) but also I had fantasies about being picked out of a crowd by a pop star, usually John Taylor, and fucked.
Does this mean that if I had ever been in a position to have had sex with a famous person that, because I had fantasized about it that it would have been ok to do it? Fuck. No.
The age of consent is there for a reason. It is a protection. Whereas I truly believe that every woman has the right to do with her own body exactly as she pleases, I do believe that it is down to adults NOT to use the fact that a 13 year old has sexual thoughts as an excuse yo fuck them. They are supposed to be the grown ups.
The article assumes that these child predators know exactly what they're doing and maybe the author of that piece did.
But just because I was wanking myself silly at 13 doesn't mean that every girl does. My experience isn't everyone's experience.
The author's experience isn't the experience of every teenager who ever got fucked by a rock star.
She mentions a friend of mine in her article. I promise her, she knows FUCK ALL about her.
My friend was referred to as a slag, a 'Lolita' who had led this poor horny rock star astray. It made me angry then and it makes me angry now.
My friend was groomed. Young girls the world over get groomed. Then blamed for being so damn sexy.
This is why we need feminism. So that when a teenager, sexual thoughts or not, gets groomed and fucked by anyone, famous or not, that we don't slut shame. We don't treat her as lesser for having sexual feelings.
Sexual thoughts are normal. Fucking underage girls is not.
Saturday, 8 December 2012
Remember December?
What a difference a year makes. This time last year I was a mess. Haunted by memories, confused to shit about my love life. Generally fucked up. Nearly incapable of carrying on.
http://goddessdeeva.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/happy-fucking-xmas.html?m=1 refers. (sorry about lack of hyperlink, doing this via email)
This year is different. I seem to have banished my December Demons. Evil fucking things they were. Tried to suck the joy out of every waking moment, which by and large they succeeded in doing. Bastards had me paralysed from the 1st to the 31st. For 12 fucking years.
Not this year. This year I am winning. December is just another month, and one I am enjoying.
So, what changed?
Me.
I learned to trust myself. To trust my instincts. To open up. To be not fearless, but brave. To speak up. To be me.
This has been amazing. Liberating. Illuminating. And it has paid dividends in my life.
I am in what is probably the first healthy relationship of my life. Me and The Lovely connect, respect each other and listen when something is wrong. Then change it. And we laugh and we love. And articulate this. And support. And are unafraid of how we feel. And are happy. No drama, no games, no bottling shit up.
I have a more grown up relationship with my daughter. It's healthy. It's fun, mutually respectful and it's loving. Hasn't been easy to get here, has taken real work and many tears on both sides, but we're there. I'm incredibly proud of the woman she is.
I have the most incredible support network, both in real life and on Twitter. They have supported me through thick and thin, and even more importantly, they have let me support them right back.
Wonderful Owl, Tortoise, Fox and Broad. Thank you. Just thank you <3
I am finally looking forward to Christmas. I can't wait to wear the hat, drape myself in tinsel, decorate the tree and put a bit of Greg Lake on.
I'm going on my works Christmas do this year. And actively looking forward to it.
Yes, I have bad memories of December that stretch back years. But you know what? Fuck them. They will not own me and I'm too busy making new memories to care.
So (always bearing diversity in mind) SEASONS GREETINGS ONE AND ALL!
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