On Being Woke AF

Oh I'm proper pissed off today. I don't know if it is because I am over tired or because this year has been like a fucking roller coaster but today can fuck off.

This year so far has had some brilliant bits. The Lovely has started his own business, we are closer than ever, Daughter Person is going to Uni, I got a first in a uni assignment, my job fulfils me and I became an aunty again to the fightiest little girl ever. (12 weeks early, came out shouting, you can tell we're related).

Also has had some proper shit bits. Mental health took a real knock after spending less than 2 hours with Bio Mum and I got a (not entirely undeserved) bollocking at work. I'm tired, my endo is shit and I am piling on weight so not always feeling very good about myself. I am weepy a lot of the time and I despair a lot of the time and I am starting to blame one thing.

I am woke as fuck.

I sometimes wish I wasn't. I sometimes wish I could go through the world totally oblivious to the shit that goes on. I sometimes wish that I wasn't as aware of mental health issues, or race issues, or gender or disability or sexuality issues.

I sometimes wish I was the kind of woman who was happy with her lot in life and thought that All Lives Matter because we need to be equal! I sometimes wish I had no idea about privilege or intersectionality or the fact that 2-3 women are murdered by their current or ex partners a week.

Maybe I would sleep better. Maybe I wouldn't be so fucking TENSE all the time. Maybe these things wouldn't piss me off so much.

Motivational posts: Fuck off. Just fuck off. On my FB timeline RIGHT NOW is such bullshittery as HIT LIKE AND SHARE IF YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER/SON/MUM/DAD/DOG/CAT/CROCODILE OR WHATEVER THAT YOU LOVE WITH ALL YOUR HEART!

Well fuck me, I love my cat and my daughter person, I had better share the shit out of that!

Oh and articles about THE WORST EYEBROW SINS WOMEN CAN COMMIT.

Are you fucking shitting me? Do you not think that we have enough to worry about without people judging us for our fucking eyebrows now? It's like patriarchy panicked because women had started to not give a shit about armpit hair and had to have something to have a go at us about. PSA: do what the fuck you like with your eyebrows. Couldn't actually give a shit and if you are judging women for theirs you either need to get a fucking grip and/or stop buying into a patriarchal society that wants women to shame each other for capitalism.

While I am at it, people can make you feel bad without your consent. (this is the motivational post I hate the most, fucking victim blaming piece of shit that has no idea about manipulation and coercion).

Also, if you derail a conversation about violence against women to talk about men, you can fuck off an all. You are part of The Problem.

Don't want an abortion? Don't get one. Just stay the fuck out of everyone else's wombs and decisions.

Also, reverse sexism is not A Thing. Sexism is backed up by cultural oppression and capitalism and teh menz don't get that. You're confusing sexism with Fragile Masculinity. And worse, they have women doing it.

Reverse racism: See above.

And white people. Stop thinking you can say nigger. I don't care how much fucking hip hop you listen to, you don't get to say it. Not ever. Stop.

See what I mean? All of this would be easier if I never had any political awakening. I would be able to go through my life without giving any of it a second thought. But I can't.

I can't see the bloody poster for Emilia Clarke's new film without wondering why, when she is gazing directly into the eyes of her loved one FROM THE SIDE that we can still see her entire bloody cleavage!

I can't see a 'joke' saying that (and I really wish I was making this up) 'gagging is the most romantic sound you can hear because it means someone has chosen your dick over oxygen' and not lose my shit.

I can't not call out slut shaming. PSA: women can have lots of sex and still respect themselves.

STOP FUCKING JUDGING WOMEN FOR THEIR CHOICES.

I can't not call out racism, homophobia, transphobia or ableism.

STOP JUDGING PEOPLE NON STOP.

My life would be easier but I just can't.

You can't go back to sleep once you've woken. You can't be blind when the scales have fallen from your eyes.

You can never go home again.

Things That Can Fuck Off

Haven't done one of these for a while and am feeling a bit grumpy after having an asthma attack last night so here goes.

Updated list of things that can fuck off.

Motivational posts. Seriously. Fuck off. 
'No one can love you till you love yourself'... Fuck you very much. Thank you for making people who feel unloved now believe it is their fault. Like they haven't got enough to deal with for fucks sake.

'No one can make you feel bad without your consent'... Are you fucking kidding me? Four words. Manipulation, coercion, fuck and off.

'You don't need money, only your dreams...' (usually said by people with enough money to follow their dreams)...Yeah, if your dreams are to be homeless.

Here is my motivational slogan: TRY NOT TO BE A DICK

Patriarchy.

A given really. Post patriarchy (which, by the way, is when I shall be post feminist) I will have so much more leisure time as men will either believe what women say on face value, or GOOGLE THEIR OWN SHIT.

Gender norms. 

Not just talking about who puts furniture together and does the car maintenance, but workplace shit too. 

Two actual conversations I had with women yesterday.

Her: My daughter loves medicine, I think she could be a nurse.
Me: Why not a surgeon?
Her: ....

Me: The out of hours doctor will be giving you a call back.
Her: What time will he ring?
Me: THEY will ring as soon as possible.

I try, but it is an uphill battle sometimes.

The Ursula Titchnor part of the current The Archers domestic abuse storyline.
Rob is a wanker. A total, irredeemable wanker. Some of have known this since day one. Before the post coital salad, before the little miss giggly comment, waaaaaay before the low cut dress incident. We knew and we have spent the last two and a half years trying to point it out to all and sundry (menz) using such hashtags as #dietitchynobdie and #titchynobmustdie.

Then along comes his fucked up mother and comments about his childhood being a nightmare and suddenly there is a sigh of relief from said menz that there is now a woman to pin it on. Forgetting that Titchynob's dad is still in the picture and Ursula may well be conditioned over the years too, they rush to say that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I fucking know it doesn't (had to deal with my own Ursula for years) but for fucks sake, there was an editorial decision to be made here and cutting, coercive, bullying, manipulative, abusive rapist Rob Titchenor any slack at all was the wrong one.

Asthma

Fucking wanker. Breathing is essential. Fucksake.

Gypsy shit

Yeah, it is beautiful, yeah it is pretty and flowing and romantic and does nothing to represent or better the lives of the Roma people who have lived in poverty and persecution. And it would seem that Roma is the new Irish too. Seems if you want to be cool that you claim to have Roma heritage. People who actually do have Roma heritage and are sharing their stories are being erased when you do this. Stop.

Anyone, ANYONE who says 'men suffer abuse too'.

If your response to a conversation about women being abused is to derail a conversation about women being abused then actually fuck head, I don't want to hear from you. Ditto all lives matter wankers. 

Double standards on photos of women

So, if I take a sexy looking selfie then I am vain but if a man photographs me slumped lazily over a car with my mouth half open to sell a product that's fine. Right. Gotcha. Fuck off.

Tights.

Whoever invented them. Whoever designed them. Whoever decided to size them in a way that means if you have long legs they hang off you and if you get them to fit your width you spend all day hoiking them up. Seriously, fuck off. 

Prescription Charges.
I spent £16.40 so I don't die today. Though that isn't much of a price for my continued life, I cannot see for the life of me why I have to pay to breathe.

On that note, time for more steroids and inhalers.

Till next time.

On Why I Run

I started running this week.

I signed up to run a 5k event in October too.

Those who know me in real life have been shocked, impressed and slightly suspicious as to who this body snatcher is inhabiting their friend.

I didn't do running. I wouldn't run for a bus. I wouldn't run for anything really. Not that I was lazy, though I was dreadfully unfit of course, but I just didn't do running.

Now I get up at 6am and go for a half an hour run with the aid of the Couch 2 5k programme.

Yep. You heard right. 6am. SIX. In the AM.

Those who know me in real life are again wondering if body snatchers like to get up early.

Believe me, nobody is more surprised about this than me.

But I am addicted. On rest days I am restless, waiting for the next time I get to put my trainers on and go for it.

So what caused the change?

I nearly died. I had pneumonia and nearly died. I ended up on death's door at Bristol Royal Infirmary with double pneumonia and asthma so severe I nearly died.

Do you know what that's like? To feel your life draining away because you can't get a breath? To know that unless you fight, I mean LITERALLY, fight for your life that everything you love is gone forever? Do you know how it feels to actually nearly give into the temptation to just let go? To just let yourself slip away and no longer be?

It's fucking scary.

So when I got out of hospital I stopped smoking, I started eating healthily and started walking more.

Then I got the urge to run.

I heard that exercise is good for depression. I think that if you manage to get out of bed with depression that you are already winning, but I have to say that on the days when I run I am happy. Really happy.

Knackered. But happy.

When I am out there I get strange looks sometimes. I could do with a sports bra to keep my jelly belly still to be honest as it slows me down a bit. I get honked at by van drivers, I get giggled at by dog walkers, this mad, beetroot coloured, sweating, panting woman who is trying to just run for one more minute. Just one more. Come on Deeva, you can do this. You can run for another minute...

There is also that sweet moment when the woman on your running app tells you RUN just as the bass drops on Flux Pavillion's Bass Cannon in your ears and that makes you feel invincible.

I go out really early and sometimes I worry about that. I am vulnerable to attack, to fat shaming, to the perception that if anything were to happen to me that I was asking for it (I wear VERY short shorts).

But I don't even care. I run.

And this is why I run.

At 6am the world belongs to me. I don't have to look good. I don't have to smell good. I just have to run.

I don't have to be polite to people I don't like. I don't have to be anyone at all. I just have to run.

I am not in competition with anyone. I am good enough. I am the best that I can be. I don't have to worry that anyone is judging me. I just have to run.

The wind is in my hair. I can hear my blood. I can feel the road through my feet. Water tastes like nectar. My breath is ragged then smooth. It is vital. I am alive. I am me. I am alive, alone, doing something that is just for me and nature is running with me, though me.

I am exhilarated. I am addicted to that exhilaration. I am a goddess.

I run.

Male gaze in not-the-solution-to-girls’-poor-body-image shocker! - Guest Post

This guest post is a response to a... well, I will let Shona and Glen explain it.

Today the BBC and Telegraph reported that a Psychologist, Dr Aric Sigman, has used the run up to the Easter teachers’ unions conference season to promote his idea for a role for boys in addressing the poor body image of girls. This idea involves introducing classes in schools where older boys explain to girls what it is they find attractive in girls:

“It would be helpful for them to explain that what they find attractive is not just physical qualities but also qualities like caring, the sound of a girl’s voice and her body language.

“Boys don’t have in any way near as rigid a view on what an attractive figure should be and they value many other physical qualities, including eyes, hair, and body language.”

There are so many things wrong with Sigman’s suggestion that it’s hard to know where to start, so let’s break it down:

1. The assumption that male desire is desired by girls and women
The entire basis of Sigman’s rationale is a common but drastic misconception that girls’ and women’s poor body image and disordered eating is due to a misunderstanding with regards to what boys and men find sexually attractive. This assumption is understandable to an extent, from a man in a society where women’s reasons for existing are usually represented through a male-centric lens, from Eve being created from Adam’s rib to every film that fails the Bechdel Test. However, the reality (like all social phenomena) is a much more complex interplay within and between:

Social structures (i.e. capitalism’s use of women’s unpaid reproductive labour – cooking, cleaning and caring)
Culture and ideology (i.e. media representations of femininity)
Individual factors (i.e. experiences of bullying or abuse, or biopsychosocial sensitivities)

Attempting to teach girls a marginally-expanded definition of desirable femininity through the lens of the male gaze could be hugely counterproductive. Many girls begin to develop eating disorders around puberty and one explanation for this is fear and anxiety associated with the sexualisation that comes with developing a sexually mature body. Furthermore, eating disorders are higher amongst girls who have experienced sexual abuse, and sexual harassment of girls by boys has become normalised as ‘teasing’ in many schools. Now in the context of these factors – imagine again the effect that Sigman’s intervention could have on girls. The fact is that most women and girls are not interested in the sexual attentions of most men and boys. This assumption ties into a wider discourse that defends street harassment as complimentary, and measures the plausibility of women’s rape allegations by their appearance.

2. Appealingness as a source of self-worth
A second assumption of Sigman’s intervention is that girls can gain self-worth or resilience against poor body image and eating disorders through seeing themselves as appealing to boys. First of all, this is simply inaccurate, and many interventions to improve body image resilience focus on encouraging self-identification and -affirmation of one’s positive characteristics not about body shape, size, or appearance (i.e. kindness). In fairness, Sigman does mention some non-body characteristics which boys might mention they find appealing in girls, but the ones he does mention are heavily gendered (i.e. caring) – more on that later, first let’s focus on the two core problems with this approach:

Firstly, it casts girls’ self-worth as contingent on male approval. This promotes an external locus of control – encouraging girls to seek external validation, and putting the power over their self-esteem firmly in the hands of boys and men, who outside of Sigman’s classroom context are unlikely to cast their objectification of girls’ bodies in a consistently positive light. This in turn creates girls and women who are more receptive to advertising subtexts which imply ‘no one will love you unless you buy our product’ – a profitable but harmful side-effect of Sigman’s approach.

Secondly, the focus on girls’ attractiveness and appealingness to boys as a source of self-worth undermines the possibility of girls building pride and self-confidence in otherwise positive characteristics which boys either don’t recognise as important, or find actively threatening or unappealing.

Focusing on the approval of boys as a path for girls to build positive body image and resilience against eating disorders is a poison chalice.

3. What’s ‘attractive’, why, and why is that a problem?
The things that Sigman lists as possibly non-body-shape related characteristics that boys might find attractive in girls are all, by their very nature, problematic. The very act of picking out characteristics like a shopping list, rather than treating people as whole, is steeped in consumer ideology. Desire is also mediated socially, culturally and structurally, and is tied up with prevailing norms of what is valued in terms of masculinity and femininity (and sexuality, race, and class). So what do we end up with in Sigman’s intervention? Well, boys might find girls attractive for their “caring, the sound of a girl’s voice and her body language” or their “eyes, hair, and body language” – we can read into this a perpetuation of several sexist norms which are incredibly unhelpful ideas for girls to internalise any more than they already do:

Women as carers – the ones who are expected to the emotional labour and self-sacrificingly support others’ development at the expense of their own
Women as soft, passive, and submissive – talking softly (and so are easy to ignore, interrupt, or talk over in meetings) and being physically accommodating, taking up as little space as possible
Women as “naturally” beautiful – spending a lot of time and money trying to accentuate their features in a way that is subtle enough to be imagined natural (beauty standards are also often steeped in racism due to histories of colonialism)

Furthermore, if we leave girls self-worth up to boys to determine based on their own socially-mediated desires, what things might be excluded? Girls have many characteristics from which they should derive pride and self-worth which boys may find unattractive; a lot of these characteristics are considered unattractive because they fall into the ‘masculine’ side of the gender role binary, and to some degree girls who exude these characteristics could present a masculinity threat to some boys who feel they are not as capable of embodying these aspects of the gender role.

Some ‘masculine’ coded characteristics, potentially unattractive to boys, include intelligence, independence, physical strength, and unruliness – all things in which girls should take great pride, and which will help them grow into women who have exciting, fulfilling and productive lives. The masculinisation of characteristics conducive to wellbeing and liberation encourages girls to actively avoid developing themselves in these areas, for example we see teenage girls ‘dumbing down’ in school in a way that teenage boys just don’t – the long term effect of girls not being encouraged to develop their strengths regardless of the opinions of boys is an alarming thought, and its role in upholding unequal gender relations is surely significant.

4. Heteronormativity
Finally, we have the issue of heteronormativity. This is really very low-hanging fruit with regards to criticising Sigman’s intervention, but it must be mentioned. A significant minority of the girls and boys involved in any such intervention would be homosexual, and even in the context of more and more children coming-out at an early age, many of these teenagers are likely to still be in the closet, and potentially subject to experiencing a degree of internalised stress at attempting to ‘pass’ as straight during and following these sessions. Furthermore, girls who don’t attempt to perform femininity and teenagers assigned female who do not identify as such, might be subject to additional internal distress or external bullying and harassment due to the gender and sexuality norms deeply embedded in the ideology of Sigman’s intervention.

In the Telegraph article, Sigman is quoted as saying "Men are often surprised to discover how even the most intelligent, capable, rational and empowered women can be laid low by body dissatisfaction. Many of us just don't get it." Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, and Sigman is on the money here – he just doesn’t get it. A lot of boys and men just don’t get it. Sigman has undertaken to find a solution not to the actual problem(s), but to his biased and erroneous misunderstanding of the problem, and in doing so has come up with an intervention which could cause actual harm. The path to addressing girls’ body image problems should instead involve listening to girls and women, looking at evidence from critical research in this field, and working towards structural, cultural, and interpersonal solutions to a culture which perpetuates and profits from toxic femininities.

This is Shona. Couldn't find a picture of Glen.

Shona and Glen are post-grad students researching Marxist sexual politics and body image respectively. They work together at a university in Leeds and talk about feminism loads.

On Fat Shaming - Guest Post

This one is from a very good friend of mine who wishes to remain anonymous.

Very personal and very powerful. It is a must read.

Hi. My name's [redacted]. I'm 29. And I'm fat. And I don't mean model fat. I don't mean feeling a bit bloated today fat. I mean fat fat. I'm 5'4, I currently weigh 19st 4.5lbs (or I did on Monday) and I wear a size 24. I'm fat fat. And I refuse to apologise for the fact. Because you know what, I'm happy. Or I was until I read this article in the Daily Mail. Admittedly, that was my first mistake. Reading the Daily Fail. But it passes time in work, and it often posts articles about cute animals that make me happy, like the one about Budi, the baby Orangutan. It started sad but it's getting good. And look at the concentration on his little face while he eats that orange. Adorable! But yeah, I read the Mail, whatever. But today I read the article about that atrocious little man and his 'constructive fat shaming'. It enraged me. It made me furious. Allow me to explain. Fat shaming is a subject that has pissed me off for my entire life. I could write volumes on it. On how it has personally affected me, and how I know it affects friends and family. I won't. But I could. And yes, I'm fat. It's not a new thing. I've always been fat. And I've always been fat shamed. So have my parents, on my behalf. When I was little, the dentist couldn't figure out how I could weight as much as I do and have perfect teeth, not a single cavity. I mean, my parents were obviously filling me full of sugar right? I had to get that size somehow (FYI it was cheese, not sweets. Cheese is AWESOME!). The doctors accused my parents on more than one occasion of over feeding me, abusing me. They told them to make me exercise, eat less, everything. They didn't need to. When I was little I did ballet, tap, swimming, cycling, went to Brownies and was always doing something with my friends in the outside world, involving moving around. I was a kid for fucks sake. I was doing kid stuff. But I remained fat. I got bullied in school. I don't mean some kid called me names and I got upset. I mean begging not to go to school, making myself ill bullied. I'm talking parents going into school to discuss the situation with teachers. It was serious. And it started when I was 5 and it finished when I was 18. And it only finished then because I left school. It was the worst kind of fat shaming. From the kids stating the obvious, to the ones discussing the food on my plate in secondary school. It was awful. But it was bullying and I had an understanding of that. I could manage my way through the little fuckwits I was forced to be around ever single day of my life for 13 years. It was a thing. It isn't now. Now it's sneaky. It creeps up on you out of nowhere. Because we're adults now and it's not socially acceptable to walk up to someone and call them names (or, it isn't for the most part. I can't account for everyone, unfortunately). When you're an adult, it's for your own good. You need to be told. Whether it's the doctor informing you that the cold you have is due to your weight, or the sales person telling you, with inevitable disdain (imagined or real) that the item of clothing you want doesn't come in your size. It's there and it's meant to make us change our fatty little ways. Enter 'Life Bitch' Steve Miller. What an odious little creature he is. He believes that calling a spade a spade, or in this case, a fatty fat, will make them change their ways and lose weight. Telling them that their weight will kill them will make them slim down. It'll save their life! Woo, go Steve. Or not. If that shit worked, I'd be a size 0, minimum! Because that's all I've heard all my life. He claims it's for health reasons that he does this. And admittedly, I am trying to lose weight for those reasons. I'd love to walk somewhere without my ankles, knees, hips and lower back giving out because they've carried almost 20 stone around for too long. I'd love that. But don't come all saintly when you're bullying and shaming people into conforming to your norms. Remember, it's the slim and healthy people who pay for your treatment when your health fails. Why should we pay for your lack of self-control? That SCREAMS helpful, constructive slimming aid doesn't it? I mean, I certainly feel inspired. Not inspired to lose weight mind, more inspired to see if all that time spent watching Sherlock and Dexter would make it possible for me to actually murder someone and get away with it. I think I stand a fair chance. I actually hate the assumption that fat people have no self control. I have tried every diet known to man. Atkins, Low GI, Rosemary Conley, WeightWatchers, Slimming World, calorie counting, fasting, 5:2, Slim Fast...I could go on and on for DAYS! Following all of that shit takes control. Masses of control. Especially when all you want is something yummy, a sweet maybe, a bag of crisps, pick your poison. You get it in your head and you need it. You obsess about it. You consider fashioning a shiv out of a biro and shanking a co-worker in the kidneys just to get that bar of chocolate they have in their drawer...I mean, you obsess over it. But it falls outside of your current torture of choice and you refuse yourself it. Not giving in to the ensuing obsession takes every last bit of control in your body. Don't tell me I lack self control. He's even written a book for fatties like me. 'Get off your arse and lose weight'. Well fuck, I never thought of that! Kindly fuck off you horrendous excuse for a human being. Take your pseudo-compassion with you. Then there's Katie Hopkins. I won't lie, I didn't watch her show about getting fat and losing it. Isn't she wonderful though? Her high metabolic rate makes it really hard for her to gain weight, so she really stuck with the weight gain to prove a point that it's super easy to lose four stone. Yup. Now make that eight stone. Or fifteen. That 'little bit' of weight is suddently Everest and it's impossible to climb. Even with your desire to prove the world wrong fueling you, and that image of a pretty frock dancing about your head. It's Everest. And you struggle to hit base camp. But I won't dwell on her. She isn't constructive. She doesn't even pretend. She's just a twat. Back to using health against us. Fake concern. My weight concerns me when it comes to my health. I'd like to not be punished by my ankles or other joints for walking about too much. I'd like to not be surprised by how swollen my toes can get after exercise. And by God, I would love to have less natural insulation because fuck me it is WARM up in this bitch! I've had friends tell me how badly they need me to lose weight. How worried they are. And it's sweet of them but it's not their concern. They just hang around with the fat, they don't live inside it. It's not like I love living here. But you know, there are worse places to live and I'll take it. Maybe do a bit of remodelling. Whatever. But, of course, the horrid little man has a success story to go with his article on the correct way to mentally abuse a friend or loved one. Tracy, 34, 19st, size 24 clothes. Having read her testimonial I prefer to think that it was in spite of Steve and not because of him that she lost weight. After all, if having a nasty little man telling you how fat and awful and lazy you are was enough to make you lose weight, I honestly would never have gotten fat in the first place. But what I'm trying to say here, in a rather rambling, largely angry way, is that hurting someone's feelings, belittling them and making them feel less of a person is not constructive. Its abuse. It's bullying. And you wouldn't allow your child to behave in that manner. So set a good example. Don't be a twat. Be helpful. Be supportive. Be nice, it takes absolutely no effort on your part. So go forth, lovely people, and don't give side eye to that fat bird or bloke you walked past, wearing something you feel is inappropriate for them. If it makes them feel good, feel happy for them. Don't be that guy. Don't be a dick. Don't be Steve Miller.