Dear all,
I know you all think you are good guys and I tend to agree with you most of the time. I know you all think that you are on Helen Archer's side and most of the time you are. I know you all think you are being the voice of reason.
You aren't. What you are doing is enabling not just Rob's, but all male abuse and violence against women.
Think that is a bit strong? Not at all and here is why. Imagine that you are in a pub with some male friends, acquaintances, colleagues, it doesn't matter really who they are, just that they are men in your company, and you don't know that one or more of them is abusive to women.
One in three women experience abuse in their lifetime so this is not outside of the realms of possibility.
You make some comments about abuse and how it is a dreadful thing but really, women are a bit oversensitive about it aren't they? It isn't actually abuse if he is just 'a bit of a jerk' or if he 'is a good father to the boy' or 'he is just looking out for her'.
You see these men who abuse women are smiling at your comments because you have just validated them. You have excused their behaviour and the women in their lives are now going to suffer for it. Because you have bought into the narrative that says that women need a bit of control or they get a 'bit wild'. Or are a 'bit delicate' and need looking after.
Is that who you want to be?
Do you want to be the man who makes an abuser feel comfortable and validated? I don't think you do. I really hope I am right about that. I am right about that right?
Here is how you get past this.
When women are telling you that you are wrong about a situation, LISTEN. Don't talk over her. Don't patronise her. Don't try to be the voice of reason. Not only do you do her a disfavour by not listening to her lived experience but you are treating her as irrational and believe me, she will have had enough of that in her life.
Have you ever been in a situation where something didn't feel quite right? Where your gut was telling you to run but you were being overruled by clever words, manipulation and an eroding of self esteem? That is what women in these relationships deal with all the time and when they try to break free the abusers get worse. And the women end up saying sorry.
Also, the dog whistle that only women can hear is not a thing. My timeline was filled with men who get it as strongly as the women where it comes to Rob and Helen. You do not get to use your gender as a get out clause.
Ditto the ledger of behaviours. Not a thing. Not in an actual healthy and grown up equal relationship.
Accept that it isn't all about you being right or wrong. Accept that you don't get a pass for validating abusers by saying that they are abusers. Where the power is already unbalanced in a relationship you are not providing balance, you are making an oppression worse. Accept that not only Helen Archer but many women are in actual danger from their abusers.
I say all of this to you all in love and sisterhood and hope that you can understand what I am saying.
Goddessdeeva out.
