Open Letter To Roifield, Cosmo and John III

Dear all,

I know you all think you are good guys and I tend to agree with you most of the time. I know you all think that you are on Helen Archer's side and most of the time you are. I know you all think you are being the voice of reason.

You aren't. What you are doing is enabling not just Rob's, but all male abuse and violence against women.

Think that is a bit strong? Not at all and here is why. Imagine that you are in a pub with some male friends, acquaintances, colleagues, it doesn't matter really who they are, just that they are men in your company,  and you don't know that one or more of them is abusive to women.

One in three women experience abuse in their lifetime so this is not outside of the realms of possibility.

You make some comments about abuse and how it is a dreadful thing but really, women are a bit oversensitive about it aren't they? It isn't actually abuse if he is just 'a bit of a jerk' or if he 'is a good father to the boy' or 'he is just looking out for her'.

You see these men who abuse women are smiling at your comments because you have just validated them. You have excused their behaviour and the women in their lives are now going to suffer for it. Because you have bought into the narrative that says that women need a bit of control or they get a 'bit wild'. Or are a 'bit delicate' and need looking after.

Is that who you want to be?

Do you want to be the man who makes an abuser feel comfortable and validated? I don't think you do. I really hope I am right about that. I am right about that right?

Here is how you get past this.

When women are telling you that you are wrong about a situation, LISTEN. Don't talk over her. Don't patronise her. Don't try to be the voice of reason. Not only do you do her a disfavour by not listening to her lived experience but you are treating her as irrational and believe me, she will have had enough of that in her life.

Have you ever been in a situation where something didn't feel quite right? Where your gut was telling you to run but you were being overruled by clever words, manipulation and an eroding of self esteem? That is what women in these relationships deal with all the time and when they try to break free the abusers get worse. And the women end up saying sorry.

Also, the dog whistle that only women can hear is not a thing. My timeline was filled with men who get it as strongly as the women where it comes to Rob and Helen. You do not get to use your gender as a get out clause.

Ditto the ledger of behaviours. Not a thing. Not in an actual healthy and grown up equal relationship.

Accept that it isn't all about you being right or wrong. Accept that you don't get a pass for validating abusers by saying that they are abusers. Where the power is already unbalanced in a relationship you are not providing balance, you are making an oppression worse. Accept that not only Helen Archer but many women are in actual danger from their abusers.

I say all of this to you all in love and sisterhood and hope that you can understand what I am saying.

Goddessdeeva out.

On My Love For All Things The Archers

At 2 years a listener I am still a newbie to the docu drama about all things Ambridge that is The Archers.

I wasn't there when Grace and the barn went. I was not there when John met his grisly end under the tractor nor when Nigel plummeted from the roof.

Helen's turkey baster pregnancy that ended in the demon spawn that is Henry? Nope. Ditto Ruth's cancer, Brian's affair and Peggy's predilection for men named Jack.

I didn't grow up listening to The Archers at my mother's knee. It was all radio one in my house and I will be honest, I was scornful of those who worshipped at the altar of Alan's giant organ.

These days? Can't get enough. I hear the opening strains of Barwick Green and my whole body relaxes. I know it's time. That glorious hour and a quarter on a Sunday morning where I join with my #thearchers twitter family and submerge myself in the goings on of the week.

So what changed my mind? Mainly @yokelbear @allthisandless and @BLUESKY20. They are very good friends of mine of years standing and as long term listeners they all said I would love it.

Yet still I resisted. I have quite an addictive personality (totality of Breaking Bad in four sittings)  and I was worried it would be something else for me to get sucked into.

And I was right.

Am I sorry about this? Hell no. My Sunday morning and Monday night (more on @Dumteedum shortly) have never been so much fun.

Here is my Sunday morning ritual. Alarm goes off at 9.30am (yes I have an alarm so I don't miss it. What?) and I get up, put the kettle on, go to the loo and have a ciggy. Make coffee. Go back to bed with said coffee. Headphones and radio on. Open Twitter. Listen to last five minutes of Broadcasting House and tweet 'Signing in. #thearchers'.

For the next hour and a quarter my fingers are a blur of tweets, RTs, favourites and replies. It is my church and this is my Sunday service.

But why? I hear you ask. Well there are a few reasons. Here are some of them.

The writing. It is sublime. Beautifully crafted. When Jack 2 died I cried at the tenderness. When Phoebe gave Kate both barrels I shouted my joy. I screamed when Tony got flattened by Otto the bull. I cried at Johnny's panicked and plaintive "grandad!".

Because it is on the radio and possibly because I listen on headphones it is close. Intimate. Personal. And all the more absorbing for it. When Otto lost it (because Henry was using his Omen powers I reckon) I couldn't see anything. It was all noise and screaming and panic and fear and noise and, and, and...

It was perfect.

Because I care about them. I care that Helen is being gaslighted by the abusive Rob. I care that Lillian is being abandoned by Matt. I even care about Shula and Alice's fight for domination over the direction of the Christmas show.

I care about who wins at the Flower and Produce Show. And I am not sorry. Not even a little bit.

It is bloody hilarious. The innuendo (taking Pavel up the polytunnel) the comedy (yes, when it suits you dear) and the ridiculous (Jolene and Harrison in the shower jumps to mind. Then won't leave. Ever.)

Lynda Snell's sniff.

I actually learn about farming. No, really. I know more about robotic milkers, herringbone parlours and anerobic digesters than you. Suck it up.

Plus there is a real community of listeners. The AmbridgeFeministCollective is a thing. We have our own nicknames for the characters, Piggy, Hellon, Titchynob and PC Harassment Carpet Burns being a few. We have our own in jokes, most of which are filthy and we have the marvellous @Dumteedum podcast that feels like a family.

Dumteedum.com is pretty much my favourite place on the internet. Run by @Roifield and @lucyvfreeman it is a raucous, irreverent and yet loving look at the goings on in our favourite village.

They are lovely. Ridiculously so. And funny. Side splittingly funny. And they genuinely care about their listeners and caller innerers.

They are family. I have met so many people through our love of Jolene and Kenton and they have been there for me through non Archers related trauma.

We even got together for an award ceremony last November where I fell a bit in love with Radio 4 goddess Susan Rae and scared the shit out of the actor who plays Rob Titchenor.

Good times.

So why not give it a go? What's the worst that can happen?

Well you could end up stuck in a conversation with Charlie Barber Spreadsheet about field rotation...