Violence Against Women - An IRL Global Problem No Matter What We Are Told

You know when sometimes you wish you'd gone to bed instead of staying up a little longer reading Twitter? Well, that was me last night. It all started when I read this brilliant article on how Violence Against Women (VAW) was a global problem by @OwenJones84.

It was insightful, and helpful and I was really pleased that there was a global call to arms to do something about VAW.

Then @sunny_hundal took issue with it. Ok, so far so predictable, a spat between two men on what is a women's issue but I let that slide. I then made my fatal error. I asked him what he didn't agree with. And I got this as a reply.


Sunny Hundal ‏@sunny_hundal
@goddessdeeva main disagreement that just because rape culture prevalent in both countries doesn't mean one can't be much worse.

Oh good lord, where to even start?

I could have gone the easy route and done the whole 'don't even start that with me, you are a man, I have no interest' route but it felt lazy somehow. So I replied with this.


Goddessdeeva ‏@goddessdeeva
@sunny_hundal just trying to get my head round a sliding scale of rape culture. Nope. Can't do it. All rape culture is as bad as it can get.

And this...

@sunny_hundal if we start a league table of rape culture we invalidate women's experience and that helps not one single woman.

And lo and behold, even though I avoided the lazy route, he asks me if I have ever been an Indian Woman.


CORRECTION: Having had a discussion and gone over last night's tweets, what Sunny Hundal ACTUALLY asked is if I had ever lived in India. The suggestion being that if I haven't then I have no authority to talk about this issue. This doesn't actually change anything, he is still wrong about rape culture league tables and the rest of this post still stands.

Well, no, I have to admit I haven't.

But here is what DOES make me qualified to argue with him on this issue.

I am aware of the issues. And from more than reading about them. I used to live in a city where there was a huge Indian and Pakistani populace, and I lived right in the middle of it. They were my neighbours and my friends. And as such, when they told me of a woman who was being beaten, raped, or forced into marriage that needed hiding for a bit, I would do it. Without even thinking about it. And when they were staying at my house and I was helping plan their escape we would talk. And I would listen. And would face up to their male relatives when they turned up on my doorstep threatening violence towards me. Inventive with their threats too they were.

I have to say that not all of these women managed to escape. That broke my heart. But some of them did. And that made it worth the threats.

Still a bit too peripheral for you Sunny? Try this then.

I am mixed race. Apparently I kinda 'look Asiany'. However, I am not, and have never claimed to be. Where I lived in said city, I would get spat at, cat called, slapped on the arse, groped, harassed, threatened with rape on a daily basis, cornered and leered at because I was a woman in western (read provocative) clothing who looked Asian.

So, yeah.... I feel I'm qualified to talk about the subject.

Also, and this is an important one here, I am a woman.

This means that EVERY WAKING MOMENT of my life outside my home has been risk assessed.

That's right, every moment. Even going across the road to buy bread. This is what we live with. Every day. The knowledge that at any time we may be harassed, abducted, beaten, raped or killed. Because we are women. And because rape culture says it is ok to do so. Much as I hate to say it, men, with their starting position of privilege will never be able to understand this. Never know how it feels to constantly be aware that today could be the day it all comes crashing down. As it does for thousands of women daily.

So don't you dare pit one country's rape culture against another. Just don't you dare! When you do that you not only invalidate the experiences of women (and men, I get that, but I can't write from that perspective as I'm not one) globally, but you damage the work that is ongoing on this.

Every woman is my sister and when I hear of even one of them being subjected to VAW it hurts me and makes me angry. No matter where on the planet they are.

I do not know ONE WOMAN who saw what happened in Delhi and said 'Nothing to do with me, it's India innit?' Not one. I do know Indian women who are appalled that there seems to be this league table of rape culture building up. It is divisive and helps not a single woman.

I asked Sunny two things last night. One, have you ever been a raped woman? And two, listen to the women.

The first I already knew the answer to.

In reply to the second was this article and links to articles written by women.

Throw as many links at me as you like Sunny, I am talking to women. Real, IRL, LIVE women who want help from their sisters across the world to fight what is undoubtedly a horrific place and time to live. Not just academics, not just women who have platforms in papers etc, normal, real, everyday women.

My hope for this year is that it will be the year that the mansplainers realise that if they want to be feminist allies that there needs to be less telling us how it is and more listening to what help we want.

I also hope that the millions of women around the world unite, free of rape culture league tables and fight VAW together.

Enough is enough sisters.

On Being A Sexually Aware Teenager

Read a Huff Post article today which made me more mad than I have been for a long while.

I'm conflicted as to whether or not to link to it as I'm sure it's link bait. You know, when online papers print something so FUCKING outrageous that you're sure it's just so they can get you to their website.

At least I HOPE that's what happened. Fuck knows.

The article was dealing with the fact that 13 year old girls have sexual thoughts. Anyone who is shocked at that is either in some fucking deep denial or has never been a 13 year old girl.

Personally I have been. And shock, horror, I had sexual thoughts. Fantasies too. My burgeoning sexuality was a thing to behold. I had the first of many orgasms as I discovered myself. Shut, I couldn't stop, I was seriously worried that I was going to do damage to my insides (Catholic school for ya) but I didn't care. My nightly forays into my sexuality were comforting, exciting and addictive.

I was never alone in my night world. I usually had someone famous with me. Simon le Bon was a regular, as was David Sylvain. At the same time on occasion. There were times when the partners in my fantasies were numerous and of both genders.

But you know what? I was 13. This behaviour is, I believe, not only normal, but safe and healthy.

I was a total wanker.

Does that mean I was overtly sexual? Sometimes. It is normal for teenage girls to flirt with men. It's how they learn. It is generally a safe, innocent thing and totally harmless.

Does it mean that I wanted to have sex? Sometimes. I was sexually awake and very curious about what it would actually feel like. Especially with someone I was madly in love with (there is still part of me that is annoyed that I was never Mrs Le Bon) but also I had fantasies about being picked out of a crowd by a pop star, usually John Taylor, and fucked.

Does this mean that if I had ever been in a position to have had sex with a famous person that, because I had fantasized about it that it would have been ok to do it? Fuck. No.

The age of consent is there for a reason. It is a protection. Whereas I truly believe that every woman has the right to do with her own body exactly as she pleases, I do believe that it is down to adults NOT to use the fact that a 13 year old has sexual thoughts as an excuse yo fuck them. They are supposed to be the grown ups.

The article assumes that these child predators know exactly what they're doing and maybe the author of that piece did.

But just because I was wanking myself silly at 13 doesn't mean that every girl does. My experience isn't everyone's experience.

The author's experience isn't the experience of every teenager who ever got fucked by a rock star.

She mentions a friend of mine in her article. I promise her, she knows FUCK ALL about her.

My friend was referred to as a slag, a 'Lolita' who had led this poor horny rock star astray. It made me angry then and it makes me angry now.

My friend was groomed. Young girls the world over get groomed. Then blamed for being so damn sexy.

This is why we need feminism. So that when a teenager, sexual thoughts or not, gets groomed and fucked by anyone, famous or not, that we don't slut shame. We don't treat her as lesser for having sexual feelings.

Sexual thoughts are normal. Fucking underage girls is not.

Remember December?

What a difference a year makes. This time last year I was a mess. Haunted by memories, confused to shit about my love life. Generally fucked up. Nearly incapable of carrying on. 

http://goddessdeeva.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/happy-fucking-xmas.html?m=1 refers. (sorry about lack of hyperlink, doing this via email)

This year is different. I seem to have banished my December Demons. Evil fucking things they were. Tried to suck the joy out of every waking moment, which by and large they succeeded in doing. Bastards had me paralysed from the 1st to the 31st. For 12 fucking years.

Not this year. This year I am winning. December is just another month, and one I am enjoying.

So, what changed?

Me.

I learned to trust myself. To trust my instincts. To open up. To be  not fearless, but brave. To speak up. To be me.

This has been amazing. Liberating. Illuminating. And it has paid dividends in my life.

I am in what is probably the first healthy relationship of my life. Me and The Lovely connect, respect each other and listen when something is wrong. Then change it. And we laugh and we love. And articulate this. And support. And are unafraid of how we feel. And are happy. No drama, no games, no bottling shit up.

I have a more grown up relationship with my daughter. It's healthy. It's fun, mutually respectful and it's loving. Hasn't been easy to get here, has taken real work and many tears on both sides, but we're there. I'm incredibly proud of the woman she is.

I have the most incredible support network, both in real life and on Twitter. They have supported me through thick and thin, and even more importantly, they have let me support them right back.

Wonderful Owl, Tortoise, Fox and Broad. Thank you. Just thank you <3

I am finally looking forward to Christmas. I can't wait to wear the hat, drape myself in tinsel, decorate the tree and put a bit of Greg Lake on.

I'm going on my works Christmas do this year. And actively looking forward to it.

Yes, I have bad memories of December that stretch back years. But you know what? Fuck them. They will not own me and I'm too busy making new memories to care.

So (always bearing diversity in mind) SEASONS GREETINGS ONE AND ALL!