On Sex As Affection And Validation In Abusive Relationships

TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR ABUSE AND RAPE

Had this post running round my head for the last couple of hours and for once I wasn't sure whether or not to write it.

It's gonna be a whole heap of personal.

So I did what any rational, sane internet addict would do and asked Twitter if I should. They said yes, and who am I to go against the will of the Twitterverse?

So here it is. My thoughts, for what they are worth, on sex and abuse.

I have never been shy about talking about the abuse I have survived. I talked about the violence, and the rape, and the emotional as well as physical scars I have. But I survived. I survived able to have a healthy relationship with my friends, my family and especially The Lovely. That I am able to do this is a real victory for me.

So, what does this have to do with sex?

I like sex. I love it and have quite a high sex drive. I enjoy a wonderful sex life and I'm proud that I can after all the abuse I have been through. I have no body issues any more and spend 99% of my time feeling like a sassy, sexy goddess. I'm a regular fucking horndog. Yay me!

It occurred to me today though that my attitude to sex hasn't always been quite so healthy.

When I was in abusive relationships I was being put down. I was fat, ugly, stupid, pathetic.

And I wanted sex. I wasn't horny, I just needed that validation that I was worthwhile. If he was having sex with me it meant that I wasn't as bad as he was saying. There had to be something good about me or he wouldn't want to have sex with me right?

I was being beaten. At one point, one of the abusers thought it would be funny to punch me as hard as he could between my legs. So hard that my pelvic bone was bruised enough that I couldn't wear underwear for three weeks.

And he still wanted sex with me. I get now it was to cause as much pain to me as possible, but in my fucked up way I felt GRATEFUL that he would want to have sex with me, someone who obviously wasn't enjoying it because of the pain. So I cried silently and tried to pretend I liked it.

And I was raped. Continually. But sometimes, (not every time, most of the time I don't even remember what I was feeling, and definitely not during) afterwards, when I was cleaning up blood and putting ice packs on the various parts of my body that were in agony, even that in some proper fucked up way felt like validation.

He had me that dependent on him that he had me convinced that he wouldn't do it if he didn't love me so much.

And that made me feel better somehow. Like I wasn't worthless and useless and fat and ugly. I could cry for how fucked up I was. For how every family relationship where I internalised being unfeminine and unbeautiful and stupid and just plain worthless had led to this point.

And you know what? I needed comfort after his attacks. Anyone would need comfort after being attacked. He had me so isolated from anyone who would or could help me or comfort me, that it had to be him I turned to for that comfort. And there were never any cuddles. So that meant sex.

Like I say, I'm much better these days. Sex is a healthy, enjoyable thing for me. I have no inhibitions and it is ALWAYS on my terms.

But sometimes, just sometimes, after a row or if I'm feeling hormonal or something I find myself wanting sex without the accompanying horn. For affection. For validation. Because there is still a part of me who internalised not being good enough and that will never completely leave.

So always be good to your children and never put them down. They internalise and normalise that shit and it makes them easier prey for abusers.

And when you see someone in an abusive relationship who isn't leaving and seems to still be having a sex life, try not to judge. Try to give some empathy and let them know they can talk to you.

It might save their life.

It certainly saved mine.

Dear #radfem2013 Intersectionality Is Essential

Dear #Radfem2013

I have been watching your hashtag with interest over the past few days as I know you've been having a conference. Let me say I like a lot of what you say and in my dark hours, I have actually thought I might want to join you.

But I can't. And that isn't my fault, it's yours. And it makes me really sad. Not for me, I'm more than happy in my feminism thanks, but for you who must know, deep down, that you will never achieve what you want because, believe it or not, you are not about equality for women.

I hope you were sat down for that. I can almost hear your bristling and outrage. And I'm ready for whatever backlash you want to throw at me. But I'm not actually expecting any to be honest because as an intersectional feminist, I am beneath your intellectual notice. Though you are not above pouring scorn and hatred on my ilk.

You exclude me, and feminism shouldn't, fuck it, DOESN'T work like that.

So, here is why I don't want to be part of your faux revolution.

I am a woman who understands that every woman, regardless of gender assignment at birth is my sister. No, she wasn't 'born a man', she was born a woman. And no, escaping misogyny for most of her life (are you fucking shitting me here? It is patriarchy that means so many trans* women commit suicide) does not mean that she is a threat to women only spaces because she brings a male perspective. We don't punish women for being women. I say 'we', I mean us intersectional feminists. You still see them as 'chicks with dicks' and you should be ashamed.

I have a boyfriend. He is a man. He is also the best feminist ally you could hope for. He listens to us without trying to fix us. He doesn't try to tell us what we need. He never judges. He will debate our issues with us to understand them so he can help in a way that we want him to, not in a way that makes it look like he knows best because he is a man. He will challenge misogyny and not accept it in his presence. He will educate other men. He will not mansplain. He believes that women deserve equality as a default, NOT because men would bestow it upon us as a gift. He is an ally, and there are many more like him.

Yet you would write him off as TEH MENZ and call him TEH PROBLEMZ.

You really don't like gay men do you? You think that they hate women and are all about the misogyny themselves. You miss the point that their struggle is equal to our struggle and that we might have something to learn from each other. And that they are actually, in the main, our allies too. You see they understand about being oppressed. It wasn't that long ago that being themselves actually meant prison. And dammit, they know how to campaign and organise. Talk to them, you might surprise yourselves.

You talk about gynecology being born from vivisection of slaves. But that seems to be as far as you would go to talk about Women of Colour. I don't deny this, but that same gynecology saves millions of women's lives. So what is your point? Ah yes, that TEH MENZ WAZ EVILZ. *yawn*. Talk about the rape of women of colour, but what campaigns do you actually support to help?

Getting more and more angry here and that wasn't my intention, so will give you the last reason I want nothing to do with your ridiculous, bigoted, hateful organisation.

I am the mother of two boys. They are good men who understand our issues and will fight to make sure that we get the equality due to us. I cannot reconcile your hatred and mistrust of men with the ones I have raised. And here is the crux of the matter, when they are arguing on our behalf with other men who don't get feminism and do need educating it is you that gets thrown at them as an example of why feminism is a BAD thing.

It is you that gets thrown at them as an example of feminism being full of man hating psychos who hate everyone to be honest. It isn't us who spend our time educating, protesting outside abortion clinics when the disgusting 40 Days Of Life are harassing women. It isn't us who are trying our hardest to affect change in the Left because we understand that holding ourselves separate from them isn't going to achieve anything. No, it isn't us who understand that without intersectionality our fight means NOTHING.

It is you who is doing the feminist movement damage.

And that is why I can't join you, no matter how much I would want to.

Grow up a bit and we'll talk. Hope that can be soon.

Your sister,

Goddessdeeva.

Happy Pills. On Depression And Medication

Read a really good article in the Independent about the language around anti depressant medication. It was ever so good and it got me thinking about attitudes about actually taking them.

I've been on them for about two years now. I've talked in previous blogs about how I've had counselling, but not about my meds.

So maybe it's time.

Like I say, I've been on Prozac for two years now. It's something I'm used to and something that doesn't embarrass me now. It did though. It seemed like I'd failed somehow. That by not coping I was admitting that I was lesser.

Took me a long while to start taking them for a few reasons.

I was worried about turning into an emotionless drone. Which was ironic as I was feeling nothing but sad, bone crushingly sad, all the time. I could have done with switching that off if I'm honest.

I was also worried about being artificially happy. Joy is a thing I cherish. I embrace it, revel in it. Bathe in the glow of it and savour the memory if it as I go to sleep.

I didn't want that to be fake. It was too important to risk it like that.

The thing was, I was finding no joy in anything. Everything was dark and heavy and pointless and stupid. I was dark and heavy and pointless and stupid.

So I went on the 'happy pills'.

What a misnomer. They didn't make me happy. PEOPLE made me happy. They just gave me the mental headspace to allow that to happen. I didn't actually realise how well they were working until I found myself laughing spontaneously. What a moment that was!

I wasn't an emotionless drone. I was still feeling them, but when it was APPROPRIATE for me to do so. What a revelation!! When I was happy I felt happy. When I was sad I felt sad.

Might seem a small thing but to me it was everything. I understood that my medication was keeping me level so that I could function, and more than that, live and feel.

Yet still I fell into the trap.

The trap of thinking I had to come off the meds as soon as possible. I tried it in the summer. I had just moved in with The Lovely, I was ridiculously happy in my new city with my new man and I loved my new office and my new team. Life was positive.

So I stopped taking the Prozac.

I ended up so poorly that I thought a city hated me. I wasn't coping with the aspects of my work that weren't as positive as they could be. I cried A LOT. The Lovely got very good at walking on eggshells. I found myself unable to get out of bed on sunny days so I went back to the doctor and went back on the meds.

I'm more open about my need for antidepressants these days. It's not the first thing I say, but I'm not shy about it.

I get asked 'aren't they just a crutch?'. Here's the thing. Would you take a crutch away frI'm someone with a broken leg? Didn't think so.

And no, it isn't a crutch, it's a treatment. Would you take medication away from diabetics? No. I didn't think so.

Neither am I mentally deficient. That was a nice one.

And I don't know how long I'll be on them. As long as it takes I suppose, even if that is forever.

So what is the point of this post? For me it is a catharsis to write about this stuff. And I hope that it helps even one person understand what depression and taking meds is like for me.

It won't be the same for everyone though. Know how you'll find out how it is for them? Ask them. We're one in four so we aren't hard to find.

DEEVA FOR POPE!

Let me start off by saying I couldn't give a flying fuck about religion. If you want to believe in a big bearded man in the sky who gets angry when you wank then all power to you. It's not for me, and I'm sure if there is a god then they have better things to do than watch me fantasize over Angelina Jolie. Or maybe not, judging by the state of the planet.

But I digress.

One thing I can believe in is the Pope. Not in him being gods representative in earth natch, but in him as a man with a pretty cushty job.

One he has decided to resign from.

So here is my pitch for the job. Laying aside the fact that I'm a woman and a lapsed Catholic (REALLY lapsed) I think I'd be aces at it.

So here are the things I'd do if I got the job.

1. I'd sell off the Vatican treasures and solve world hunger.

2. Let the African nations know that a loving god would prefer to have them use a condom than die.

3. Women bishops? Sure thing.

4. Abortion on demand? Yep, it's your body, you do what is best for you sisters.

5. *whispers* hey, paedo priests. Coming for ya. Gonna turn the whole lot of you over to the police. Rot in hell you sick fucks.

6. Equal marriage. Yep, you can have that. Love is love. Not sure what the last guy was on about.

7. I'd move the Holy See to Bristol. Me and The Lovely like it here.

8. I would totally rock the frock and hat.

9. Rather than ask for money in the collection plate I would give money to the poor.

10. I would order people to stop fighting in God's name. It isn't important how you worship, being a good person is the thing.

So vote #deevaforpope

It's not like I could do any worse than the last dude.

Something Rotten In The State of the SWP?

Nick Cohen has written an article on why the left are not good feminists.

What a shame it doesn't actually say an awful lot about feminism.

What is does, purposefully or not, is tar all far left organisations as rapists.

When I saw Cohen's article, it had been tweeted with the accompanying statement 'why the far left rape'. And I couldn't let that go unanswered.

And this is why.

Apart from the fact that the SWP isn't the entirety of the far left, the far left do not rape, it is individuals who rape.

Tarring everyone with the same brush is in itself anti feminist. All it does is enable those who would rape by hiding them in plain sight. If all far left wingers are expected to rape then this is not going to be a problem is it? It is actually, in its own strange way rape apology.

Yes, there has and continues to be something very wrong in the hierarchy of the SWP when a woman who has been brave enough to speak out about rape is not supported, Yes, there is something very wrong when rather than support her through the extremely dicey waters of the British Justice System, a system that we know is anti women and prone to the same rape apology and slut shaming misogyny as the rest of society, they decide to do the 'justice' in house. Yes, there is something very wrong when any subsequent court case would now be tarnished precisely because of this kangaroo court that saw the accused walk free. (aside: what the fuck could they have done but expel him had they found him guilty for fucks sake?)

But you know what?

Not all far left organisations are like that. Cohen tarring them all with the same something is rotten in the state of the SWP brush is wrong headed lazy journalism at best. At worst it is, or at least appears to be a personal axe to grind.

I am not a member of the SWP, nor would I ever condone what has occurred here, but I am a member of a left wing faction in my union. It isn't perfect, not in any way, shape or form but it does take rape very seriously. And is trying to educate itself into being a better feminist ally.

And what of those who hold far left political views who are not in any organisation? Are they just waiting for their chance to rape unsuspecting women? No. Not all of them. And to suggest, even tacitly, that being a far left winger means that you are is offensive, insulting and just plain wrong. Worse, it feeds into the rape culture it is fighting against.

And what of those SWP members who are trying to do the right thing? In an organisation that is as shady as Cohen is trying to paint it we would never have known anything had happened at all. But we have. It has been shouted from the rooftops by those who are defending their female comrades and railing against the very misogynist rape culture that enabled this to happen.

I find myself wondering, is this actually a political issue? (I mean, apart from the fact that feminism, rape, rape culture and misogyny is always political) Is this a left v right thing?

I was asked what I would be saying if it were a right wing organisation. I examined my own bias, as a left winger and came up with this.

I would say that there are some rapists in the far right. I would say that those individuals are responsible for their own behaviour. I would say that rape culture and misogyny had something to do with it. I would point out that misogyny and rape culture are embedded in the policies of the far right in a way that it isn't in the far left. I would also say that though I abhor far right politics with every fibre of my being, see my post on 28,000 votes the BNP got in the London Mayoral Election, that I would applaud anyone who brought this to light.

I would say that this is a right v wrong issue.

And I would applaud anyone who brings misogyny, rape culture, victim blaming or slut shaming to light.

The far left doesn't rape. People rape.

Cohen would do well to remember that.

Tall Tales - Internalising Being Unfeminine

My height has long been an issue for me. I am the tallest one in my family. A family of petite women.

I'm taller than both my parents and all of my siblings. Including the boys.

I'm taller than my female cousin.

I'm taller than most women.

And boy, have I felt it.

Why? Because society makes tall women feel unfeminine. Other.

There are exceptions of course, supermodels are tall and held up as bastions of beauty. But what if you're as tall as one, but not as slim or 'beautiful'? (don't get me started on body policing and definitions of beauty) Then you have failed at being feminine. Again.

And heaven forbid you are taller than your man! This is still noteworthy in a society that sees tall women as less feminine. I tower over The Lovely when I am in heels. Should it matter? No. Have I been conditioned to believe it does? Yes. Do I let it stop me wearing heels? Sometimes.

So I buy beautiful shoes then just look at them.

As a teenager, surrounded by petite feminine women I was referred to as gangly and lanky. I have always had quite a deep, husky voice too, and hence was called manly. I was ungraceful, a tomboy, not a proper girl. That I walked around stooped over at the shoulders in a vain attempt to disguise my height just added to this.

There were those (usually men) who referred to me as Amazonian and Statuesque, but as I had already internalised the messages from my family this felt like a polite way of saying unfeminine. A bit like saying big boned instead of fat (don't even start me on fat shaming).

And what of being an Amazon? What images does that word bring? Strong? Sassy? Warrior like? Sexy? You know what, not only is that a hell of a thing to live up to, but it suggests that tall women can't have their insecurities just like everyone else. It also enables the patronising and infantalising of short women who struggle to be taken seriously. My friend Wendy put it best when she said 'when people can look down on you physically they do it mentally too.'

Sometimes my height has been fetishised. There are men and women who positively drool over my height. That made me feel like an object, a freak and contributed to my feeling of otherness.
ROLL UP! ROLL UP AND SEE THE TALL WOMAN IN HER HEELS WITH HER LONG LEGS AND MASSIVE BOOBS! TWO TICKETS FOR A POUND!

Just no. I'm not here to be objectified or fetishised.

This may be a shock, but our height does not define our personality any more than our hair or eye colour. Redheads are not more fiery, green eyes don't mean you are more passionate. And I say this as someone with green eyes.

It's just genetics. I'm tall. Society should just get over it. I know I will.

And I will wear the beautiful shoes.

So if you really feel you must describe me in terms of my height, how about just saying tall. That'll do, you know.

And fuck anyone who is threatened by my being tall. It says more about you than it does about me.

No, I Don't Deserve To Be Raped.

Been meaning to write this blog post for a while, but xmas, new year and a stinking cold got in the way. Am writing it now because of a conversation I had with a total dick on Twitter. @CharlieStargatt just in case you wish to avoid him.

He asserted that if a woman is dressed provocatively, drunk and flirting, when she gets raped it is partly her fault.

I'm sure you can imagine how well that went down with me.

We argued back and forth for a while, I said ' @CharlieStargatt by your logic any woman who openly flirts with a man is to blame when she gets raped.'

He replied with ' @goddessdeeva oh my god really... in this given situation... the woman is PARTLY TO BLAME!!!!! I'm not saying the man isn't in the wrong..'

I felt sick. Physically sick. I told him I wept for him and hoped he never had daughters. Then I blocked him.

So why this post today? Because, alas, he is not alone. There are men and women, who because of slut shaming, victims blaming , patriarchy and rape culture generally really believe that this is a thing. That a woman who dresses 'provocatively', has a drink and flirts deserves to be raped. That she is to blame. If only 'partly'.

This goes out to all of you.

When I go out, I wear clothes that are sometimes tight, short and revealing. When I do this am I saying?
a) I am wearing these clothes because I like them and I am comfortable in my own skin.
b) I am wearing these clothes to provoke your innate sense of manliness and incite you to a sexual act over which you have no control.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.

I sometimes like to drink when I go out. Sometimes, hard to believe I know, to excess. Am I saying?
a) I'm a grown woman who likes a drink sometimes.
b) I am purposefully inebriating myself so that I may make your conquest of me easier, as obviously you are a man who cannot control his urges.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.

I'm quite a friendly person whether or not I've been drinking and I have a genuine interest in people. I may end up in the smoking area of a pub chatting to you. I may be smiling, tactile, laughing at your jokes.
One last time then, am I saying?
a) You seem like a nice guy to have a chat with, I am going to chat to you while I feel safe in your company.
b) I'm only talking to you because I obviously fancy you and I want to make it easier for you to assert your manly ways over me.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.

Let me make this VERY CLEAR, I could be drunk, naked, and lying legs akimbo in the street, the answer is NEVER going to be please force your penis inside me against my will.

I am not responsible for the actions of a rapist. A rapist is responsible for the actions of a rapist.
She lead me on is not an excuse. I could change my mind part way through and if you didn't stop when I told you to it would be rape.

So fuck you if you think I or any other person deserves to be raped because of their actions.
It's yours you want to be looking at.

Happy new year.