Now, this one is from a very good friend of mine called Erica. He is awesome and funny and ridiculously talented at art and being an all round good egg.
This made me shout FUCK YES! on a packed train today. Enjoy!!
I am a metalhead. I am also queer (a
more accurate description would be something like “bisexual and
genderqueer”, but I prefer to just use the word queer*). These are
two aspects of my identity and they are both very important to me.
Within myself, I know the two are compatible. Outside in the world, I
feel like an irregularity, a weird lump in a wooden carving that
quickly gets glossed over.
The “metal community” is a weird
one. I guess it’s pretty comparable to a nerd culture in many ways-
a group of people brought together by a shared interest (in this
case, a type of music). People celebrate their affiliation with this
subculture through the way they dress, going to events like gigs and
festivals, etc.
The “metal community” also has a
history of supposedly “supporting the underdog” as it were. Many
people who feel drawn to the subculture felt “different” growing
up, or felt like outsiders, and I think many would agree there is a
feeling of solidarity, co-operation, openness and tolerance within
the community as a result of this. The S.O.P.H.I.E. campaign (Stamp
Out Prejudice, Hate and Intolerance Everywhere) for example was set
up to promote tolerance following the tragic death of Sophie
Lancaster, who was attacked for the way she dressed. On the whole,
it is a space which is largely accepting of anyone who is
“different”.
But that’s not the whole story.
Fuck knows how this happened, but the metal community somehow manages
to be super lovely and welcoming, and simultaneously the most
disgustingly hyper-masculine dick-worship fest you could ever
imagine. It’s nothing new, really- just a different colour of
patriarchy. A very fucking loud and obvious one. In ways I like it,
because it’s so blatant. No one’s trying to deny how male
dominated metal is (unlike people constantly claiming there is
equality in the rest of society la la la the patriarchy’s a myth la
la la protect my privilege please).
So what does this mean for me as a
queer person? How do I exist in this space? With difficulty, is the
answer. For example: how do I act in a way that reflects my gender,
so that others see me the way I want to be seen? Part of me really
wants to engage in the hyper-masculine dick worship fest, because
it’s really fun, and I really enjoy getting thrown around by
massive men and chugging pints of cider out of some drummer’s
disgusting walking boot (no, really, I do). I like being a boy. But I
know I shouldn’t have to do this to prove my masculinity, and this
sort of attitude to masculinity actively supports oppressive
structures (hint: ones that oppress me). I don’t like that.
I dare to exist in this space as
genderqueer, and that alone is pretty fucking subversive. I want
people to SEE my gender, but they don’t. People are conditioned to
ask “are you a boy or a girl?”, to do a quick calculation in
their head (“well that hair is pretty short… but then there’s
those legs… not much breasts or hips… the face shape… soft
arms…. Make-up? Hmmm I’ll go with girl” (No you fucker my body
is not some fucking puzzle for you to solve)). It makes me feel so
conspicuous. And people let me know I’m conspicuous.
If you’re not familiar with mosh
pits, it’s like a very rough version of the hokey cokey. I
thoroughly recommend them. Very cathartic. But I’ve lost count of
the number of times I’ve had men run into issues with my gender in
the pit (Note: their issues). It is scary for them to see a queer
body transgressing the roles of its perceived gender in a space
normally for white, cisgender, straight, able-bodied men. It would be
easier for them if I didn’t exist, because they could continue
their hyper-masculine dick worship fest without questioning what’s
going on. People try very hard to ignore the existence of queer
bodies. We’re made invisible. But they can’t ignore me when I
physically fall into them. So they panic and say things like “wow,
good on you for being in the pit!” and “Don’t see many people
like you in the pit!” or give me patronising high-fives. They panic
because they realise the tolerant community they prided themselves so
much in is completely alienating to that queer kid and they start
choking on their own hypocrisies. Save your breath. I don’t need
you to tell me how much you accept me in the pit. I will mosh because
I fucking want to, not to validate your desire to appear accepting. I
know you’re trying to be nice, but I’m here to get drunk and fuck
about, not have a nice equality and diversity chat (hint: I’m not
nice, I’m angry).
But at the same time, I relish this
split second of visibility, uncomfortable as it is, because it’s
all I get. I think I have had one conversation with a trans
metalhead, ever. I saw his home made back-patch that said “Fuck
heterosexuality, yes homo, hail satan” and thought FINALLY my sort
of person! We had a nice chat about how it’s very uncomfortable
moshing in a binder, how it’s hard to look metal when long hair
makes you dysphoric, and other trans metalhead problems. It was
great, y’know, getting to talk to someone with similar experiences.
That one time. For five minutes.
I am sure there are loads of us out
there. It’s just hard to find each other when we’re silenced,
made invisible, ignored, avoided or excluded. If the metal community
wants to continue to claim to be inclusive and tolerant, it’s time
it did more for minorities. Don’t give me that “but we can’t
help it, there are so few women/queer/trans/people of colour in the
subculture” bullshit. There are loads. You just don’t want to
look at us.
*NOTE: I self-identify as queer, and
wish to be referred to as queer, but not all LGBTQIA+ people do. The
word has a history as a slur. In this case, I am giving you
permission to call me this. Please do not suddenly start throwing the
word around willy nilly if it’s not yours to use.
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| Erica, 18. Likes: Cats, art, cycling, toilet humour. Dislikes: Cheese, underwear, trimming my toenails. |
