On Coming Out - Three Little Words

Finally did it. Finally joined PCS Proud. Been meaning to do it for a while but I wasn't ready.

I needed to be sure of myself, I needed to be sure of my family, I needed to be sure that I was doing it for the right reasons.

And I wasn't fully out yet.

That this was the case might surprise some of you who are used to me being REALLY open about most aspects of my life. I've talked on here about rape, violence, low self esteem, my eating disorder, my mental health, damn, there wasn't much left to talk about except my sexuality!

So why didn't I?

Because it was a secret. And had been kept secret for a very long time. Those who knew me very well knew of course but my bisexuality had been held back by a series of three little words...

CAN I WATCH?

No, as it happens you fucking can't. You don't want to watch me have sex with men I suppose? Didn't think so. You fetishise my sexuality and expect me to be there for your gratification. Fuck you. Actually, I'd rather not. (See also, Man, that's hot)

YOU'RE JUST GREEDY

No, as it happens, I'm not. I just happen to be attracted to both sexes.

YOU'RE JUST CONFUSED

No, as it happens, I'm not. There is nothing confused about my being sexually attracted to both women and men. I was only ever confused when I was trying to deny my sexuality to myself. Pointless exercise, but hey there was a reason. And that was...

DON'T TELL ANYONE

The Big Ex this was. He knew when we met, but was embarrassed about it. If I told anyone he would jump on his grumpy trike and take a couple of laps around the block. Then he would sulk. For weeks sometimes, so even though my nearest and dearest knew, it wasn't something that got mentioned in 'polite company'. Fucking asshole.

So, what made me finally come out?

Three more little words.

I LOVE YOU

Finally I have that without question. It isn't a way of controlling me, not supressing me, it just is. And about bloody time too.

I ACCEPT YOU

Oh by the seven this has been heady stuff! To be accepted for exactly who I am? Wow! I know I shouldn't rely on others' acceptance to accept myself but hey, goddesses are human too and it has helped.

I TRUST YOU

Finally!!!!! Someone who understands that just because I am attracted to women and men that this does not mean that I am going to cheat on them. It isn't an addiction. It isn't something I can't control. I am not constantly on the prowl. It's just a thing about me.

And finally. The other three words that meant I could come out.

YEAH, ME TOO...

There are a lot of us about. And we are just people. And some of us are in long term relationships with men. And some of us are single. And some of us are just bumbling along.

Tell you what we're not though.

Confused. Greedy. Indecisive.

Just bisexual.

Only Yes Means Yes

There were actual tears of joy in my house over the Steubenville verdict.

My heart went out to the Jane Doe who was raped, sexually assaulted and dragged naked from party to party while people posted pictures of her, calling her 'dead girl'.

My heart sang out when I realised that DESPITE ALL MY EXPECTATIONS that this time, justice had been done.

And I beamed all over my crying face when I realised that we had finally moved on from 'no means no'.

No Means No has stood us in good stead over the years. Like an old friend it has stood up for us, comforted us and respected our boundaries. It made others respect them too, but it didn't go far enough. It didn't cover what happens when we are, like Jane Doe of Steubenville we are unable to consent. It doesn't embrace the concept of enthusiastic consent.

And that's why I am overjoyed that we have finally moved to a place where only yes means yes.

Only yes means yes takes the onus off the victim. It means that the onus is on the instigator to be ABSOFREAKINGLUTELY FUCKING CERTAIN that the other person wants sex.

Only yes means yes means that there can be no doubt as to whether or not they want sex with you and rape will fall like a stone right? Right?

Well, you would hope so, but there are health warnings.

Firstly, anyone who thinks yes always means enthusiastic consent doesn't understand the nature of coercion and abuse. Giving in to avoid a punch or the sulks isn't enthusiastic consent.

Secondly, amazing as the Steubenville verdict was, we have a long way to go before Only Yes Means Yes enters the psyche of humanity as a whole.

Thirdly, even if that happens there will still be rape. Because rape isn't about being horny or mixed signals, it is about power and control. Neither No Means No or Only Yes Means Yes will change that.

So what does this all actually mean?

It means that we have moved on and that we have a new springboard to teach others what actually constitutes rape. It means that things are clearer. It means that we have something else to reach our sons with.

If they are not enthusiastically saying yes, they are effectively saying no.

And no still means no.

On Sex As Affection And Validation In Abusive Relationships

TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR ABUSE AND RAPE

Had this post running round my head for the last couple of hours and for once I wasn't sure whether or not to write it.

It's gonna be a whole heap of personal.

So I did what any rational, sane internet addict would do and asked Twitter if I should. They said yes, and who am I to go against the will of the Twitterverse?

So here it is. My thoughts, for what they are worth, on sex and abuse.

I have never been shy about talking about the abuse I have survived. I talked about the violence, and the rape, and the emotional as well as physical scars I have. But I survived. I survived able to have a healthy relationship with my friends, my family and especially The Lovely. That I am able to do this is a real victory for me.

So, what does this have to do with sex?

I like sex. I love it and have quite a high sex drive. I enjoy a wonderful sex life and I'm proud that I can after all the abuse I have been through. I have no body issues any more and spend 99% of my time feeling like a sassy, sexy goddess. I'm a regular fucking horndog. Yay me!

It occurred to me today though that my attitude to sex hasn't always been quite so healthy.

When I was in abusive relationships I was being put down. I was fat, ugly, stupid, pathetic.

And I wanted sex. I wasn't horny, I just needed that validation that I was worthwhile. If he was having sex with me it meant that I wasn't as bad as he was saying. There had to be something good about me or he wouldn't want to have sex with me right?

I was being beaten. At one point, one of the abusers thought it would be funny to punch me as hard as he could between my legs. So hard that my pelvic bone was bruised enough that I couldn't wear underwear for three weeks.

And he still wanted sex with me. I get now it was to cause as much pain to me as possible, but in my fucked up way I felt GRATEFUL that he would want to have sex with me, someone who obviously wasn't enjoying it because of the pain. So I cried silently and tried to pretend I liked it.

And I was raped. Continually. But sometimes, (not every time, most of the time I don't even remember what I was feeling, and definitely not during) afterwards, when I was cleaning up blood and putting ice packs on the various parts of my body that were in agony, even that in some proper fucked up way felt like validation.

He had me that dependent on him that he had me convinced that he wouldn't do it if he didn't love me so much.

And that made me feel better somehow. Like I wasn't worthless and useless and fat and ugly. I could cry for how fucked up I was. For how every family relationship where I internalised being unfeminine and unbeautiful and stupid and just plain worthless had led to this point.

And you know what? I needed comfort after his attacks. Anyone would need comfort after being attacked. He had me so isolated from anyone who would or could help me or comfort me, that it had to be him I turned to for that comfort. And there were never any cuddles. So that meant sex.

Like I say, I'm much better these days. Sex is a healthy, enjoyable thing for me. I have no inhibitions and it is ALWAYS on my terms.

But sometimes, just sometimes, after a row or if I'm feeling hormonal or something I find myself wanting sex without the accompanying horn. For affection. For validation. Because there is still a part of me who internalised not being good enough and that will never completely leave.

So always be good to your children and never put them down. They internalise and normalise that shit and it makes them easier prey for abusers.

And when you see someone in an abusive relationship who isn't leaving and seems to still be having a sex life, try not to judge. Try to give some empathy and let them know they can talk to you.

It might save their life.

It certainly saved mine.