Only Yes Means Yes

There were actual tears of joy in my house over the Steubenville verdict.

My heart went out to the Jane Doe who was raped, sexually assaulted and dragged naked from party to party while people posted pictures of her, calling her 'dead girl'.

My heart sang out when I realised that DESPITE ALL MY EXPECTATIONS that this time, justice had been done.

And I beamed all over my crying face when I realised that we had finally moved on from 'no means no'.

No Means No has stood us in good stead over the years. Like an old friend it has stood up for us, comforted us and respected our boundaries. It made others respect them too, but it didn't go far enough. It didn't cover what happens when we are, like Jane Doe of Steubenville we are unable to consent. It doesn't embrace the concept of enthusiastic consent.

And that's why I am overjoyed that we have finally moved to a place where only yes means yes.

Only yes means yes takes the onus off the victim. It means that the onus is on the instigator to be ABSOFREAKINGLUTELY FUCKING CERTAIN that the other person wants sex.

Only yes means yes means that there can be no doubt as to whether or not they want sex with you and rape will fall like a stone right? Right?

Well, you would hope so, but there are health warnings.

Firstly, anyone who thinks yes always means enthusiastic consent doesn't understand the nature of coercion and abuse. Giving in to avoid a punch or the sulks isn't enthusiastic consent.

Secondly, amazing as the Steubenville verdict was, we have a long way to go before Only Yes Means Yes enters the psyche of humanity as a whole.

Thirdly, even if that happens there will still be rape. Because rape isn't about being horny or mixed signals, it is about power and control. Neither No Means No or Only Yes Means Yes will change that.

So what does this all actually mean?

It means that we have moved on and that we have a new springboard to teach others what actually constitutes rape. It means that things are clearer. It means that we have something else to reach our sons with.

If they are not enthusiastically saying yes, they are effectively saying no.

And no still means no.