Sometimes

Earlier this evening I wrote a blog on the kick ass summer I have had and how happy I am. And I am you know. A whole 99% of the time.

But sometimes I'm not. Even when I should be. Weirdly enough, it's when I'm at my happiest when I get my saddest. Tonight for instance, The Lovely said something in his sleep. It was innocent and MORE IMPORTANTLY it was his subconscious that said it but it still stopped me from getting to sleep till I'd woken him for reassurance and cuddles.

In the spirit of always being honest on this blog, I thought I'd tell you how I feel. Sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside of my life looking in. Like the happy, smiling kickass woman isn't me. I feel detatched and numb and undeserving.

Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve the love I have in my life, like at some point they will all laugh and tell me they we're only joking. Haha!

Sometimes I feel like it's all going to come crashing down around me, that I'm not a good person and that I will be revealed as the awful, toxic person my psyche is sometimes sure I am.

Sometimes I just cry coz I feel so numb.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would miss me.

Sometimes I feel so ugly and worthless.

Sometimes I wonder why anyone bothers with me. I'm so insecure. So needy. Such a pain in the arse.

But that is depression and a shit childhood for you.

My life is good.

I don't feel like this all the time or even most of the time.

Just sometimes.