Fuck Off With Your Friendzone

Dear men* who would like to fuck me,

I know I am beautiful and strong and funny and intelligent and political and a dork and all of that stuff that makes me attractive.

And I know that not being a prick about all of those things make you want me more.

I know that you want to get in my pants. 

I know all of the above because you tell me. I have been hearing it since I was 14 years old. There is nothing new you can add.

However, I don't want to fuck you. I want friends of all genders and I want them to see me as a person first and a vagina and a pair of tits second.

I don't want someone who will pretend to be my friend to get into my knickers.

So, I'll break it to you like this.

It isn't me, it's you. 

It isn't that I have a boyfriend, though this is true.

It isn't that I am in a committed relationship though this is true also.

It isn't that if you were taller/shorter/more buff/had better hair that I would change my mind.

It isn't that I am a stuck up cunt.

It isn't that I am frigid.

It isn't that I am a lesbian.

It isn't that I don't appreciate nice guys.

You know what? You are not a nice guy.

You think that I owe you. 

You think I owe you sex because you have invested the time in getting to know me. 

You think that I owe you my time and my vagina because you have taken the time to get to know me and make me trust you.

And when I don't want to have sex with you, you say I have put you in the friendzone.

The friendzone, where all the nice guys languish because women just don't appreciate them. The friendzone where you have to watch us with other, brutish men and you just don't get it. The friendzone which is your booby prize, second place.

Well, it isn't me, it's you.

It's you with your outdated idea that you should have access to a woman's body just because you have been nice to her.

It's you with your sense of entitlement.

It's you with your nice guys finish last mantra and your sulks that friendship is all you are getting out of me.

It isn't me, it's you.

If you think that my friendship is the second prize you get coz I don't want to jump on your dick, then you will find yourself in the fuck off zone.

*women chat me up too but not one of them have ever sulked because I said no.

On Being Put Back In Our Place #YesAllWomen

I have just heard about the shooting in Santa Barbara and am writing this while dreadfully upset so apologies if it comes out a bit disjointed.

A man has killed seven women and injured seven more in 'retribution' for women not sleeping with him. He said he would 'slaughter' them and he did.

UPDATE: IT NOW EMERGES THAT HE HAS KILLED SIX. THREE MEN AND THREE WOMEN. THIS IS STILL MALE VIOLENCE PERPETRATED BECAUSE OF MISOGYNY AND HATRED FOR WOMEN.

Slaughter them. Like women are animals.

Nice guy.

Now, I know I should have a bit of perspective on this because this is at the end of the scale of male violence but fuck it, I feel unsafe again.

See, what happens is that we get into the habit of shouting back at street harassers. We shout back and we feel good. We feel empowered and we feel a bit safer.

We have a zero tolerance policy on sexism and harassment in our workplaces and we start to feel like we are making a difference. And it feels good.

We feel the strength of our sisters with us as we join arms and SHOUT THE FUCK BACK!!!

For a short time it feels like we are winning.

We get lulled into a false sense of security.

We forget that we have to fucking well risk assess going to the shop for milk.

We forget that at any time one of the men we shout back at could well turn nasty.

We forget our place.

And now we have been reminded. This 'nice guy' has reminded us that if we put them in the 'friend zone' we do so at our own risk.

We lose that sense of security. We will be extra vigilant. We will check what our nice guy friends are saying as we lose trust. Shroedingers rapist will become a thing again as we wonder if we will ever be safe.

And that is what they want sisters. They want us to know our place, to kowtow to them and allow ourselves to be owned by them, ruled by them, treated as if we are animals by them.

It'll be ok if we just fuck them when they want to be fucked.

NOT ON MY WATCH!

This has to remind us that we have to keep fighting. When our sisters get gunned down because a man didn't get his dick wet we owe it to them and to ourselves to keep shouting back. To keep asserting our autonomy, to keep wanting to be safe.

It may well be not all men who commit violence against women but it is all women who fear violence from men.

And it has to stop now. So I won't stop shouting back.

RIP sisters. I'm sorry this happened to you.

On Climbing Out Of The Conference Bubble For Good

Was my last time being a delegate to National PCS conference this week. I'm taking a voluntary exit and will no longer be eligible to be a member.

Been going to conference every year since 2006 and I have always loved it.

I started as an observer then went back as a trainee delegate. I went every year after that as a full delegate and always got up to speak. I was at home there. It was where I got shit done.

My twitter bio says conference geek for a very good reason.

The debate was balanced and fascinating. The President always let all the points get heard and she still does. Janice tolerates no shit and even if the speaker is talking absolute bollocks she will make sure they get to finish.

She may roll her eyes and pull a face but everyone gets their say.

We've debated some great stuff over the years and we have done so democratically.

I am proud of that. Very proud to be a member of a union that has annual elections, annual conferences and where everyone gets a say.

It isn't perfect I know. Fuck do I know. I haven't drunk the PCS Kool-Aid. I know there are things that could be better and I have tried my hardest to make them so.

Yesterday I spoke on the Scottish Branches' decision to have a 'PCS informs, you decide' neutral stance on the Scottish referendum.

I nearly slipped on the way to the podium on all the red herrings being thrown about.

HINT: wearing a t-shirt with ENGLAND across the front and spouting rhetoric that wouldn't be out of place at an EDL meeting is not the best way to make your point about rabid nationalism.

My contribution seems to have gone down well with the Scottish delegations and I have been offered a visa if they go independent. Free education, free prescriptions and no UKIP? You bet I'm on the way!

Today I seconded a motion in the affiliations section. I am eternally grateful to the SOC for moving this up the agenda so I could finally, after six years of trying, get PCS policy on extending the right to abortion to women in Northern Ireland.

There was a counter motion asking us to disaffiliate from Abortion Rights and predictably 3 men got up to speak to that.

Conference was not having it and we now have policy. I went outside and had a little weep while having my post speech ciggy. It had been a long old haul but finally we had done it.

It is one of my proudest moments.

I'll be greetin' agin in a mo. (if I'm going to go to Scotland I'd best learn the language)

So what were my other highlights and lowlights of National PCS Conference?

(will be dealing with Group separately and all the shit that went on there)

Definite highlight was the Unite debate.

There were three motions.

One was to go into talks without conditions, let the NEC bring an offer back to a special conference to see if we thought it could be put to the membership in a ballot.

The second one was pretty much the same only with a fuck ton of conditions that would have to be agreed before the NEC could even think of bringing it to us.

Third one basically said 'fuck it, walk away'.

Just about every argument and counter argument was had and I am STILL none the wiser as to why we should merge.

Is it because we're skint? Apparently not. We've pulled ourselves out of our black hole. Ok then.

Its because it would make us a great union who would be able to take strike action together!!!

But, said the opposition, we can do that at any time. We don't have to merge to do that. If we merged with everyone we ever took action with we would be a SUPER UNION WITH WINGS OF STEEL AND ELEVENTY BILLION MILLION GAZILLION MEMBERS!!

Give me a break.

DON'T YOU TRUST US???? the NEC wailed, and this seemed to be the entirety of their argument.

Seems that no, actually, conference didn't and their motion fell (after clearly being defeated in a show of hands and the chair calling a card vote which confirmed that) while the middle motion was carried.

Carry on talking with a fuck tonne of conditions it is then.

Other highlights include Francesca Martinez making me laugh so hard at killing babies with a fork (you had to be there) I spat vodka over me dad's back and Jeremy Hardy making a joke about how we should go to bed as we had to debate about gassing badgers in the morning and all of us pointing out that we had already debated that and him cracking up with loud, genuine laughter.

Getting to know some people better was also fabulously cool as was being able to catch up with my family for dinner (though I'm not sure Jake Wilde will ever recover from my mum chatting him up) seeing people I hadn't seen for a year and getting to spend time with my Mahanga.

Lowlights were the above mentioned speech by the wanker in the England shirt and running out of time so my motions on Nigerian schoolgirls and sex workers weren't heard.

I might put those speeches up on here at some point. The one on Nigeria was a doozy!

So how do I feel now, sitting on my train home knackered and wanting The Lovely, Doodlebug, Turkish, Bricktop and my own bed?

I feel good.

Better than that I feel complete.

I looked round the hall and saw the trainees I had taught over the years all go up to the podium to debate and speak with an eloquence that made me cry with pride.

I listened to people talk and swap ideas and talk about organising and class and intersectionality and campaigning and was proud of my input in that.

I saw faces determined not to let my going stop them taking these ideas forward.

How do I feel?

Like I have left a legacy to be proud of and that is all any of us can ask. Well, that and that you put my motions back in for debate next year.

Ta ra PCS.

Its been emotional.

On Why PCS MUST Not Be Neutral On The Right To Choose

It's back. It is bloody back. The motion that made my blood boil enough for me to write about it here in 2011 is back.

This time it is A78 but it is nearly identical in text and again wants PCS to disaffiliate from Abortion Rights and go to a position of neutrality on the subject of a woman's right to choose.

Oh hell no.

Not on my watch!

I wrote before about why I was against this. Briefly:

• I am not very good at being patronised. This motion pats me on the head and says 'don't worry dear, we're not going to pressure you to be anti abortion just to have no opinion on it at all'. NOPE.

• Disaffiliation to Abortion Rights would deny Equality, Choice and support to those who need help. 

• Any call for a return to neutrality is an invidious thing that may well be the thin end of a slippery slope. Want to discuss a domestic abuse policy? Sorry, bit to close to interfering with deeply held beliefs on women being chattel. Want to debate paternity leave for familial adopters? Equal marriage? Sorry, would love to but there are a few people who have deeply held beliefs about it. So we can't.

• Despite of all the hard work being done by PCS to have a union beauracracy that it more representative of its membership, most of the delegations will be men.I WILL not let a group of men decide for me whether or not my Trade Union will have a neutral stance on what is essentially a women's issue.

I REFUSE to let men decide on what is a women's issue.

I REFUSE to be fobbed off with a position of neutrality.

You know what neutrality means in practice?

Neutrality means that when someone asks me what my union thinks about a fundamental freedom I would have to say "nothing". It's a cop out designed to silence all of us engaging on a crucial topic and worse  taking us back 50 years where women who have abortions are silenced so bringing about a sense of shame which is wholly unwarranted. (not being sarcastic here).*

Neutrality means I cannot go and spend my saturday shouting at anti choicers in the name of my union.

Neutrality means abandoning women. It is not conducive to any trade union I want to say I belong to.

Neutrality means abandoning women. Worth saying that twice I think.

Neutrality means that the motion A92 calling for equal abortion rights in Northern Ireland will fall.

Neutrality means abandoning women. I don't think we can say that enough.



*Credit to M. Bosman for that paragraph. Sometimes someone just sums it up better than you could.

On What Constitutes A False Rape Allegation

This is a serious question.

You would think it would be a simple answer too.

A false rape allegation is when someone vexatiously accuses someone of rape when they haven't done anything.

But is it that simple? I don't think so.

Every time a high profile person is cleared through the courts we (by which I mean the media and the popular narrative) make the assumption that the rape never happened.

Yes, the accused has been cleared.

Yes, we have a legal system that deals with this.

However, just because someone is cleared, it doesn't mean the accusation was false to begin with.

Evidence is the key to any case. With this goes a (rightful) reluctance to brand someone a rapist unless you are really REALLY sure.

So when someone is in the dock and someone else is in the witness box and it is one word against another what happens?

He gets found not guilty as a woman sobbing and shaking isn't seen as evidence. (come on girls, we all know that we can turn the taps on at will and all could have been professional actresses right?)

Then.

Patriarchy turns on her and calls her a liar. She is responsible for ruining a life. She is the reason we need to protect the accused.

This on top of pulling her apart on the stand. Questioning what she wore, how much she had to drink. What kind of sex she likes even.

After all that we turn on her.

And we pat him on the back for not being a rapist.

And we talk about how false accusations make it harder to get rape convictions.

Get out of my face.

I tweeted a link to a fabulous article earlier (sorry I can't reproduce it here, am doing this on my phone, will link to it later) in response to Dan Hodges flagrant bullshittery. I would recommend you give that a read too.

I leave you with this thought though.

Just because he was cleared, does that mean it didn't happen and that the accusation was false?

#Ibelieveher

PCS GEC Election Special Part 2 - Who I Didn't Vote For And Why

The other day I wrote this on who I did vote for in my group GEC elections. It was quite well received by people as an insight into who people are outside of the election addresses.

I was asked if there was anyone I absolutely WOULDN'T have voted for and why. Well, now you come to mention it there were and this post is in response to that question.

Have to say that if you don't appear in either of these posts then it may well be that I either don't know you or have no strong feelings about you either way.

Lorna Merry:

Yes, Tax Justice is a Good Thing, but it was UK Uncut who brought it to the big stage.
Yes, casualisation of the workforce is a Bad Thing, but crowing about securing FTA contracts while substantive staff are up the road is not going to endear yourself to me.
That 'extra' £900m for collecting revenue came out of the cuts that they were already making.

There is no strategy in those hustings just a need for a strategic approach. Whatever that is.

Besides, I don't think someone who fillibusters a domestic abuse policy while in the chair at the GEC will make a very good president.

Clive Bryant:

Known locally as the Dark Lord, this svengali is master of the long speech that says nothing. Likes to berate branches for not engaging with their members and yet when announcements of office closures and the like happen in his own there is nary a rep to be seen to support his. Not that he would know where his are as the density in Worthing has always been appalling. And he can't ask his chair as they still don't have one.

He had to have PMR taken away from the HR team and what has he done with it? Messed it up completely. Possibly why there is little mention of it in his hustings (hidden away in the middle of bullet points) despite being the lead negotiator on it.

And ask yourselves this. How many ESS briefings have you seen this year? I count zero.

He urges us to elect the strongest possible team. I would suggest that this wunder team should not include him. That would not be at all 'elpful.

Ravi Kurup:

I never vote for scabs. End of.

Gordon Rowntree:

Half of his hustings are telling us what we already know. Then we get onto what he would do if re elected. ALL OF WHICH IS TRADE UNIONISM 101.

But wait, what is this? He would insist that members are balloted on major changes that affect them.

WELL SHIT IN A BAG AND PUNCH IT!

Beside the point that MEMBERS are supposed to tell the GEC when they want a ballot, not the other way round, conference voted for one on the hated and disgusting, morale sucking, job stealing PMR system last May.

We still haven't had it.

And there is a raft of other conference instructions that have been ignored. You just wait till we get to the organising section of conference this year for the whole list.

A strong and determined leadership is all well and good Gordon, but it is the members who should be determining the direction, not you.

Maybe you should actually talk to them rather than decide you know what is best for them.

Martin Page:

Doesn't seem to think not delivering ballot papers to a whole floor is a problem.

John Smith:

To be fair to John he has done some good work and does work hard and always in the best interest of his members.

But I don't trust him. And I have reason not to. Unlike the Elder Statesman he was part of the cadre that told me to go away, read the fucking paper again and do the right thing. Then tried to stop me using my right of tendency when I really couldn't vote the same way as caucus.

He was the straw that finally broke the dragon's back and that was the day I resigned from Left Unity.

Everyone else in the booklet was either an 'I nearly voted for them' or an 'I couldn't care less about them.'

I will reiterate. I am not telling you who to vote for. I think that is undemocratic and like I said here, I had enough of that when I was in a faction. But for fuck's sake vote!

Or you will get the GEC that everyone who actually bothered to do so votes for.

You are the union. You have a duty to chose who represents you.

Good luck.

PCS GEC Election Special - On Who I Am Voting For And Why

It's silly season again. By which I mean that PCS is having it's annual love fest they call elections.

Do not get me wrong, I am a great believer in democracy. I am passionate about it. I vote in everything I am eligible to vote in. I have done since I was old enough to vote.

However, this doesn't mean that I don't recognise the game playing at this time for what it is.

I used to be amused by it. These days I am dismayed by it. And yes, I recognise that by blogging I am part of that but sometimes you know, you just have to speak out.

Before I get going, I should point out that I am not a member of any faction, despite the rumours, nor am I standing for election this year as I am on my way out on a voluntary exit.

It is no secret that I have had a falling out with some of the Group Executive. Believe me when I say that this is not an act of revenge, but an act of honesty about what I think of the candidates.

This is not anything to do with any other group either just my own. I don't know enough about the other groups and wouldn't want to be dishonest.

So, who did I vote for?

President: 

Jake Wilde.

Hang on to your hats people, there is a very VERY good reason for this.

When I was negotiating the domestic abuse policy the team asked for five minutes to get it through the GEC. It was a no brainer and we had been working on it for a very long time. The VP at the time fillibustered so that we had no time to debate it. Not even the five minutes it would take. This, after being told in caucus that it was just an unimportant HR paper.

Jake saved the day on it. He came up with a solution that meant that PCS had endorsed the policy before the department published it.

For that, and for not dismissing women's concerns over domestic abuse he gets my vote.

DGS:

Gerry Noble

Let me say that this isn't an anti Margi vote, far from it. Margi has been a great DGS and has had to put up with a lot of shit and non co operation from certain AGSs just because she broke away from their faction.

Gerry gets my vote for two reasons.

1. I have known her since we were trainee delegates together back in Hove Town Hall and I have always loved her passion and committment.

2. This blogpost. Gerry sets out what she would do differently and that is refreshing and honest. I like refreshing and honest and I think our members will too.

Treasurer:

Jeanette Brooke.

You know why? She is a fucking brilliant treasurer. She has brought down spending members money year on year since 2009 and while I am not sure the belt can be tightened any more, I want to see her try and give it a go.

Assistant Group Secretaries:

Tim Coxon.

A few years back Left Unity did something really shitty to Tim. They (we, I was part of it then) used voting strength to get him shunted off a portfolio he was doing really well on to replace him with someone else. The grounds were spurious to say the least. I am not proud of that, I have always felt a bit dirty about it and I have always regretted it.

Tim took it as well as expected but didn't actually kick off. He showed then, and continues to show more integrity than anyone else did that day. He grafts hard, has the members' interests at the forefront of his mind and I would vote for him a hundred times if allowed.

John Davidson:

There are many who think that all he is interested in is Scottish Independence. Those people are wrong. John is a good man. He is committed and hard working and even when I left he still showed loyalty and integrity. He threatened bodily damage to my ex if he came near me last year and I will always have a lot of time for him.

Hamish Drummond:

Another great activist, Hamish is not only committed to his role but I have personally seen him defend members' interests above his own. Hamish has a big heart and will always do his best. Always. He talked me into standing for the GEC all those years ago and his loyalty means will always have mine.

Mark Leopard:

Mark is passionate about everything he does and has been amazing in his equalities work. I have worked closely with him for 5 years and he never ever lets either me, the equalities committees or the members down, even to the detriment of his own health. Another grafter and one I am proud to know and to have worked with.

Helen McFarlane:

Helen is nothing if not consistent. Consistently working hard for the membership. One of the things that makes Helen worth voting for is that she will not be told how to think. She is her own woman and if she thinks something is not in the best of members' interests she will fight against it, no matter how much pressure is put on her to do otherwise.

Gerry Noble:

Same reason that I voted for her for DGS. And you know what, the GEC needs Gerry. If she doesn't get that position she should be on the GEC somewhere!

Margi Rathbone:

I have a lot of time for Margi. She works hard and hasn't deserved the bullying she has faced since leaving Left Unity. She was a good AGS and would be again.

Karen Taylor:

Outspoken and passionate about everything she does Karen has had PMR taken off her HR portfolio by subterfuge and force and look how well that campaign is going! /sarcasm ends

Karen is another one who will not be told how to think and she works bloody hard for members. Domestic abuse policy? Karen's team. All the worst excesses that disappear from policy before you see it? Karen's team. Seriously, you should see what they start out with. And all that in an atmosphere of hostility and bullying from other GEC members.

GEC

Graham Allport:

New to the GEC last year he is always available to his members and he answers emails. With an answer, not just a fob off. He again is passionate and committed and works far harder than he should. With very little support from the AGS.

Ciaran Battle:

Ciaran has come up through the young members' network and I have always been really impressed with him. He is just what the GEC needs. Too long has it been dominated by the old guard. He is honest to a fault and committed. I want to see him in a position to change things.

Tim Coxon:

See above.

Carol Gerrard:

Carol was never, ever in danger of not getting a vote from me. Whatever she was standing for I would vote for her because she is that good. She is a proper socialist. One who ALWAYS puts members' interests first. Those votes that have members so angry over conference policy being ignored? Not Carol. She has more integrity in the tip of her little finger than most have in their whole bodies and didn't vote to sell members out.

Lorna Kennedy:

Love the bones of this woman. She is a grafter who is passionate about equalities and also has her own mind. That is reason enough for me to vote for her.

Helen McFarlane:

See above.

Helen Meldrum:

Helen is a star. She is passionate about the issues that affect members and she takes no crap from anyone. She is a free thinker who has the integrity to stand up for hers and members' beliefs. Another one who is a lover of democracy. She will be an absolute asset to the GEC.

Gerry Noble:

See above.

Marianne Owens:

Marianne has taken a lot of shit over the past couple of years but you know what, I trust her. I trust her to work hard and to stand up for workers. Marianne has been a mentor to me and has always been fair and honest. Also not to blame for the PMR debacle.

Steve Ryan:

Yes he is volatile sometimes, yes he can go right over the top but he has the courage of his convictions. There is no side to Steve, you get what you see, and I have seen him raging at caucus because members have been sold out. That he is no longer part of Left Unity should tell you all you need to know about his integrity.

Karen Taylor:

See above.

Jake Wilde:

See above.

Paul Tillyer:

Great bloke, insightful and hard working. Always had a lot of time for him and always will.

Phil Dickens:

For no other reason than to piss him off.

Margo McCabe:

Margo is actually an unsung hero as far as the GEC is concerned. She doesn't go in for plaudits, nor does she shout from the rooftop about what she does but damn, that woman works HARD. Again, she has integrity and loyalty and members' best interests at heart.

Margi Rathbone:

See above.

Rebecca Girven:

Had never heard of her before but bloody hell I liked her election statement. Give it a read, you won't regret it.

Kevin McHugh:

Kev is one of the elder statesmen of the GEC and while we didn't always agree we at least had a debate. Kev was never one of the ones who tried to tell me how to think. He didn't tell me to go away, read the fucking paper again and do the right thing with my vote. So he keeps mine.

So that is my list. I am not telling you how to vote. I think that is undemocratic and to be frank, I had enough of that when I was an LU member.

What I am saying is engage. Read the election statements. Cast your vote. Because if you don't then you will get the GEC those who bothered to do it voted for.

Next instalment, who I didn't vote for and why will be coming up shortly.

*flaps wings* *swishes tail*

This goddess is just getting warmed up.