On Being A Survivor And Kink Shaming

With many thanks to @_LaDiabla.

Yeah, so apparently kink shaming is a thing.

Not sure on what planet it is ok to shame consenting adults for their consensual sexual leanings, but in a world where patriarchy rules all it shouldn't surprise me.

However, this isn't what this post is about. It's about the idea that abuse survivors have their kinks too.

Anyone who has been following this blog for more than a minute knows I am a survivor of sexual, physical, emotional and mental abuse. I've never been shy about that. I've not been shy about my politics, my sexuality, my struggles with my mental health and my eating disorders.

Have been shy about one thing though and maybe its time I put it out there...

Survivors of abuse have kinks too.

Oh and this...

Having kinks DOES NOT INVALIDATE THE ABUSE. EVEN IF THOSE KINKS IN SOME WAY RESEMBLES THE ABUSE.

It doesn't mean we enjoyed it. It doesn't mean we asked for it. It doesn't mean we wanted it. It doesn't mean it was our fault.

For example.

I quite like being pinned down and fucked. Hard. I like the feeling that feeling powerless brings sometimes. Whether with men or women I quite like being told I'm dirty and I want it.

Does this invalidate my rapes?

Fuck no.

See, the thing is that I am consenting to being overpowered. I am consenting to being controlled. In my professional life I make decisions and manage a whole heap of people. When I consent to being treated like an object, it has everything to do with that and nothing to do with rape.

I quite like being spanked, bitten, whipped.

Is that because I like the endorphins that are released or because I miss being beaten up?

(Just in case you wondered, it's the endorphins.)

And there are more kinks I have too, but this isn't a 'what turns Deeva on' post.

It's a post on sexual freedom, on trust, on consent and not everything always being about my fucking abuse.

So no kink shaming please, no victim blaming and NO USING THE FACT THAT I HAVE KINKS TO ENGAGE IN RAPE APOLOGY.

Kinky consensual sex will not damage me. Raping me will.

Only yes means yes.

On The EDL, Facebook And White Privilege

Ive been really fucking upset this week. Angry tears, proper rage and pressure cooker temper.

It all started with the horrific killing in Woolwich last week. I was in Brighton poorly with conference lurgy and hence in bed early when the news broke.

Like any rational human being I was horrified and sickened. Both at the act itself and at the jump straight to it being a terror attack.

Coz funnily enough, when a brown person gets killed by white people it's just murder.

My already pretty dodgy stomach lurched with the premonition that ramping up the rhetoric would bring out the scum EDL.

And predictably it did.

And over on Facebook I started the cull of 'friends' who had liked EDL statuses. The flags and the 'its our country, if they don't like it they can leave' bollocks appeared on my timeline.

And I was angry. I blocked anyone who posted this shit and got into a long and intense argument about why the hysteria and double standards were making me sick.

When I got to work, I was faced with one of those I had blocked. She was pretty pissed off with me and asked why I had blocked her. This reply goes to everyone that is no longer on my Facebook.

I blocked you because you are ignorant. I blocked you because your senseless posting of jingoistic, patriotic bullshit makes the EDL think they have a point. I blocked you because they gather strength and momentum from the bullshit bellendery you post and they think they are justified in marching past my fucking house on a Saturday afternoon chanting their message of hate while my neighbours cheer them on.

Most of all I blocked you because for the first time since the 70's my race is a thing again. I have to double risk assess leaving my home because I am a black woman.

Fuck you very much for that.

So yeah, I'm fucking furious.

Post what you want on your Facebook. Just don't expect me to stick around to see it.

And while I'm at it, not wishing to sound ungrateful and all that, this brings me onto white privilege.

I am aware that there are a lot of white people who are anti racist. Every one of my friends is the anti fash demo attending type and I love them for being the wonderful human beings that they are.

But.

When I say I'm crying tears of fear and anger PLEASE do not tell me you know exactly how I feel. Because you don't.

Unless you had your school dinner spat in because 'thats what niggers deserve', unless you have had rocks thrown at your head, been cornered and attacked, sexually assaulted, ALL BECAUSE YOU ARE BLACK then you don't know how I feel. That is white privilege right there and I wish you would put that shit the fuck away.

This leads me nicely onto my last point.

On Saturday, as the EDL marched all around the country, Twitter responded in a way only Twitter can with the hashtag #EDLmisfortunes.

This gentle ribbing of the nasty fuckers by hoping they stepped on Lego etc split opinion. Some said it was a bit of fun, some said (including white people *stern look*) said it trivialized what people of colour go through.

Thing is, everyone has a different response and EVERY ONE OF THOSE RESPONSES WERE VALID.

I bloody loved it. It was the perfect valve for my pressure cooker anger and without it I may have misdirected my anger at my friends and screamed at them to check their privilege. That I had somewhere to vent made that easier.

My anger is best reserved for those who deserve it, not those who are my allies.

The EDL will be in my beloved adopted city again on Saturday.

See you all who stand against their hatred there.

Personal Autonomy Part Two-On Society And Oxymorons-possible trigger for suicidal ideation.

Some of you may remember way back in the day that I blogged about personal autonomy and personal responsibility. The thrust of that post was about owning yourself, your choices and your decisions.

I'm not about to change my mind here but this post is going to be more about when those choices are less than palatable to wider society.

Can we have limited personal autonomy? I don't think we can. Personal autonomy cannot be a gift we give when it suits us. Like equality, it isn't something to bestow. It just is. So why limit it?

Argument one: we have to limit it or there will be paedophiles and murderers etc running wild with no limits.

Er, no. The flip side is personal responsibility. And owning yourself and your choices does not exclude you from living with a moral code, from knowing right and wrong and living within the law. It also presupposes that we're all just looking for an excuse to murder and abuse children. No. Just no. 

Argument two: There will be times when your choices will impact on others so we have to limit it.

Ah, no. There cannot be a halfway house on personal autonomy. My body, my life, my choices, my rules.

If I decide to terminate a pregnancy it may well impact on other people. My family, the other party in the pregnancy. It may impact on friends because they may be struggling to conceive.

Should I be sorry for my decision? More importantly, should I be taking all of that into account before I decide?

Hells no. My body my choice.

I may decide to end my life. This would definitely impact on others. People would try and stop me. They would question my mental ability to make the decision. They would heap pressure on me to see that life was worth living.

And I understand that. I'd do it myself. I have spent many a night talking people down from the ledge as it were. This is because as a society we believe that we are here to live. Biology means we are here to procreate, watch our children grow. Grow old watching the legacy that is the generations we're leaving behind.

But.

That decision is still mine.

Mine alone.

If you believe that we have the right to choose our clothes, our partners, whether or not we reproduce. If you believe we have the right to choose who we are then you cannot attempt to take away my right to choose when my life ends.

Personal autonomy doesn't work like that.

On The Appropriate Language To Use Around 'Ladies'

This one is dedicated to @Brixtonite. You rock sister.

It's ten to nine and I'm on a train. I have hash browns and a large latte for breakfast. The sun is shining, people are smiling and all is good. Twitter has been making me roar laughing at UKIP and I have a whole table to myself in this carriage.

Why then do I have this underlying feeling of irritation?

Language. Specifically language used to describe my gender.

It's been brewing for a while, but was brought to a head by seeing yesterday that the problem with feminism is that 'they deny slags exist'.

Notwithstanding the idea that a woman should be able to have as many sexual partners as she likes, leaving aside the woman hating rhetoric, it was the casual acceptance of the language that got to me.

I work in an office where I am the only woman. All my colleagues are men. My manager is a man. His manager is a man. I am the only woman. In a professional setting.

Yet when I objected to being referred to as a girl or a lady in that context, me, who has to work twice as hard for half the recognition, me, who still earns less than my male counterparts, when I object I get eye rolls. I get 'she's hard work isn't she?'. I get 'what am I going to do with you?'.

Here's an idea. Treat me with the same respect as you do the men.

I am a woman. There, that wasn't difficult was it?

I am not a girl. I do not throw like a girl, I am not a big girls blouse. I am not a girl and will never accept you calling me one while girl is taken to mean lesser.

I am not a lady. I do not buy into your purity culture. Nor do I need protecting from machismo. Machismo is more likely to need protection from me! I am not and refuse to be referred to as lady while it ever has the tag 'little' attached to it.

I am not a cunt. I have one, but am not one. I have now spent 4 months not using it as a pejorative and I haven't missed it. I'm far more inventive now.

I'm not a bitch either. Even it's common usage. I don't see a male gendered version anywhere. It's misogynist and I refute it.

I'm not a split arse, a bit of tail. I'm not a thing to hit. I'm not a spunk receptacle. I'm not yours to protect, use or abuse.

And I'm certainly not a slag. What I do with my body is my business, not yours and I reject your notion of keeping my purity safe for the right man. Fuck off.

I was asked by a co worker what he should call me, being as I objected to 'young lady'.

'How about Deeva?' I replied. 'You call the men by their names, why strip me of mine?'

So, if you want to get my attention, greet me or refer to me, why not use my name. That is what it is there for.

If you really must refer to my gender then woman will do.

On Shithead Sexist Customers

Had a weird bloke in today. I could tell you where I work, but then I would  have to kill you so why he was in my workplace will be vague, but why he was there is not as important as his behaviour while he was.

We decided to call him The Hedge as he was Irish, wore a little hat and bore a passing resemblance to The Edge from U2. His mate looked nothing like Bono. Which I suppose is by the by.

Anyhoo, back to The Hedge.

Wandered over to me and said 'your tattoos are shit.' Bloody charming! My riposte was 'and you have no manners, what's your point?'.

He liked that, told me I had an attitude and that it was sexy. And he knew sexy. And was very good at sex. Ugh.

He then showed me his tattoos. Which were proper shit to me but he loved them which is the point. I'm not going to judge anyone on their tattoos. Luckily I didn't see the one on his thigh, though he did start to undo his belt so he could show me.

I told him if he did it would be the last thing he did.

He then told me he was homophobic. Nice. Said that he just didn't get it. That he had his reasons but didn't want to go into them.

Then he told me he'd been in prison.

Now, I'm no shrink, but I don't think it takes a genius to work it out.

He then seemed very keen for me to know what a double hard bastard he was. Yawn. Apparently if we went out he'd look after me. That I made him aware that I was totally capable of looking after myself made me feisty apparently. And The Hedge liked that too.

So far so dealing with a prick at work.

He then decided to tell me what the problem with women was.

Watching my colleagues run for cover made it all worth it.

With them peering round a corner at a safe distance Mr The Hedge told me that the problem with women is that they are now too empowered and that we have made men into weak pussies in the process.

In my place of work.

To me.

Boy had he picked the wrong woman to say that too!

First I asked him where he wanted his remains sent. I didn't care about the fight he'd got into in Swindon, he was going the fuck down.

The Hedge protested that he wasn't sexist and he loved women. He just didn't think that we should have the same rights as men because men were stronger.

My colleagues hid again.

The Hedge got it both barrels from me. I didn't shout, I was at work after all, but he left under no illusion that he would be lucky if he ever had sex again with that attitude no matter how good he thought he was at it.

And I pointed out that women weren't likely to tell him he was crap.

He was a little less cocky after that.

I taught him all about equality and he was very, very sorry. Mr Double Hard Bastard The Hedge also looked very, very scared. I'm not sure the two were mutually exclusive.

He told me then that he was an alcoholic. 'so is my wife' I told him.

Funny, Mr Homophobia got real interested then. Dickhead.

He left shortly after that with a lecture about fetishising lesbians ringing in his ears.

He went to pat my knee as he left. I warned him that he would lose a limb if he touched me.

Mr Double Hard Bastard thought better of it.

As if it were a post apocalyptic wasteland my colleagues slowly emerged. Still wary, but hopeful that the worst had passed.

So what is the point of me sharing this encounter with you?

It's this.

Could you imagine any of that happening if I were male?

Luckily I can hold my own against dickheads like The Hedge, but not every woman can, and to be honest no woman should have to.

Sexism, entitlement and privilege.

As a woman I deal with it every day and I've had enough.

This is why feminism.

On Witchcraft And Being Compared To Thatcher

Been a while since I did an anger fuelled post, so maybe this is overdue. But today I am fucking furious.

What has set me off? Thatcher. Specifically calling her a witch. The whole Ding Dong thing. I have tried to ignore it, I have tried to laugh it off, but I can't hold my peace on this anymore.

I am a witch. There, am now out of the broom closet. And the asshole that was Thatcher was nothing like me or any of my fellow witches.

Just some of the responses I have had to my fury and my answers to them are below.

'It's just a word Deeva! Not an attack on you personally!' FUCK. OFF. It isn't just a word. It is a personal attack on me.

Here are some other words. Nigger. Bitch. Poof. Nancy Boy. Trannie. Spastic. Dirty Arab. Spanish Practices.

Squirming yet? Good. Those are 'just words' too. Get the fuck out of my face.

I am a witch. I venerate nature. The earth is my temple. I mark the seasons. I promote healing, love and sharing. I live by the tenet 'An it harm none, do as thou wilt.' I am about protecting the vulnerable. About sharing the wealth. About being as good a human being as it is possible to be.

Sound like Thatcher? Didn't think so.

'Is it offensive to the good witch from the Wizard of Oz too?' GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!

Let's put to one side the fact that the Wizard of Oz is a fictional account of a Hollywood depiction of witches. I think we are all intelligent enough to see that. I would answer that question with a resounding yes. I am sure that Glinda would be absolutely furious to be compared to a mass murdering, resource plundering hater and killer of the poor.

But back to reality for a minute. When Cameron shuffles off this mortal coil, will anyone be calling him a witch? No. It is a derogatory term for a woman. And I reject it. Not only as a comparison with Thatcher but as misogyny.

'It's just about Thatcher!!' NO. We shouldn't give ourselves the right to be offensive because it is someone we rightly despised. The W word has been popping up in all other kinds of places because of this. It is lazy, it is enabling and it is as despicable as the woman herself was to suspend our own standards as a society so we can vent our venom. We are cleverer than this. We have a better vocabulary than this for fuck's sake.

Hate her all you want, I know I do. Celebrate all you want, I have no problem with that. Find her grave and bring your tap shoes if that is your thing. But stop calling her a witch.

I am a witch. I am a good person. And I reserve the right to be fucking furious when I am being compared to Thatcher.

Just fucking stop it.

On Mourning Thatcher Or Not

This post was written by my twin @calmconfusion She is bloody awesome and I am proud to have her guest on my blog.

To those that know me, you know I am not heartless or unsympathetic by nature, but you also know, I will tell it as I see it, and as I see status's having a go at people who are not saying lovely things about Thatcher, then I am going to join in and make my position known.

To those who tell me I shouldn't speak out against Thatcher because she is dead, I say this... I am no hypocrite, I loathed her while alive, so why would you expect me to now think otherwise?

To those who tell me it's a matter of respect for her family. I say this... Where were you with your talk of respect for family when she destroyed the lives and families of so, so many people, it's is these families I think of now, these families that my heart goes out to.

For those of you who tell me she's dead now, it's over, move on. I say this... The people cannot and will not forget the pain and suffering she rejoiced in causing.

The truth is dead or alive her legacy lives on, division and inequality... Where is our industry? She was homophobic, she privatised everything she could (subsequent governments have followed because she made it possible). She destroyed trade unions because they gave voice to the people she wanted to destroy, the working class.

And so, I have no objection to you updating your statuses mourning her death, but I am still mourning her life.

We must learn from history, to do that we cannot, must not forget.

Freedom of speech, this is how I feel, if you feel otherwise that's your right.

I have seen some fantastic debates take place on social media today, and for the most part I have observed that those speaking out against Thatcher have a lot of facts to back up their opinions, those speaking in favour are mainly just arguing the point that she has a family, so we should be nice, and she was a woman PM.

WhoopeeDooo... She had a fanny... She was still a nasty piece of work!

*** 

Just in case you forgot:

Thatchers record....

1. She supported the retention of capital punishment

2. She destroyed the country's manufacturing industry

3. She voted against the relaxation of divorce laws

4. She abolished free milk for schoolchildren ("Margaret Thatcher, Milk Snatcher")

5. She supported more freedom for business (and look how that turned out)

6. She gained support from the National Front in the 1979 election by pandering to the fears of immigration

7. She gerrymandered local authorities by forcing through council house sales, at the same time preventing councils from spending the money they got for selling houses on building new houses (spending on social housing dropped by 67% in her premiership)

8. She was responsible for 3.6 million unemployed - the highest figure and the highest proportion of the workforce in history and three times the previous government. Massaging of the figures means that the figure was closer to 5 million

9. She ignored intelligence about Argentinian preparations for the invasion of the Falkland Islands and scrapped the only Royal Navy presence in the islands

10. The poll tax

11. She presided over the closure of 150 coal mines; we are now crippled by the cost of energy, having to import expensive coal from abroad

12. She compared her "fight" against the miners to the Falklands War

13. She privatised state monopolies and created the corporate greed culture that we've been railing against for the last 5 years

14. She introduced the gradual privatisation of the NHS

15. She introduced financial deregulation in a way that turned city institutions into avaricious money pits

16. She pioneered the unfailing adoration and unquestioning support of the USA

17. She allowed the US to place nuclear missiles on UK soil, under US control

18. Section 28

19. She opposed anti-apartheid sanctions against South Africa and described Nelson Mandela as "that grubby little terrorist"

20. She support the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia and sent the SAS to train their soldiers

21. She allowed the US to bomb Libya in 1986, against the wishes of more than 2/3 of the population

22. She opposed the reunification of Germany

23. She invented Quangos 24. She increased VAT from 8% to 17.5%

25. She had the lowest approval rating of any post-war Prime Minister

26. Her post-PM job? Consultant to Philip Morris tobacco at $250,000 a year, plus $50,000 per speech

27. The Al Yamamah contract

28. She opposed the indictment of Chile's General Pinochet

29. Social unrest under her leadership was higher than at any time since the General Strike

30. She presided over interest rates increasing to 15%

31. BSE 

32. She presided over 2 million manufacturing job losses in the 79-81 recession

33. She opposed the inclusion of Eire in the Northern Ireland peace process

34. She supported sanctions-busting arms deals with South Africa 

35. Cecil Parkinson, Alan Clark, David Mellor, Jeffrey Archer, Jonathan Aitkin

36. Crime rates doubled under Thatcher

37. Black Wednesday – Britain withdraws from the ERM and the pound is devalued. Cost to Britain - £3.5 billion; profit for George Soros - £1 billion

38. Poverty doubled while she opposed a minimum wage

39. She privatised public services, claiming at the time it would increase public ownership. Most are now owned either by foreign governments (EDF) or major investment houses. The profits don’t now accrue to the taxpayer, but to foreign or institutional shareholders.

40. She cut 75% of funding to museums, galleries and other sources of education

41. In the Thatcher years the top 10% of earners received almost 50% of the tax remissions

42. 21.9% inflation.

So no. I don't think either of us will weep for Thatcher. We will fight to end Thatcherism together. Till our dying breaths. 

You can either join us or wail.

You choose