On Being A Survivor And Kink Shaming

With many thanks to @_LaDiabla.

Yeah, so apparently kink shaming is a thing.

Not sure on what planet it is ok to shame consenting adults for their consensual sexual leanings, but in a world where patriarchy rules all it shouldn't surprise me.

However, this isn't what this post is about. It's about the idea that abuse survivors have their kinks too.

Anyone who has been following this blog for more than a minute knows I am a survivor of sexual, physical, emotional and mental abuse. I've never been shy about that. I've not been shy about my politics, my sexuality, my struggles with my mental health and my eating disorders.

Have been shy about one thing though and maybe its time I put it out there...

Survivors of abuse have kinks too.

Oh and this...

Having kinks DOES NOT INVALIDATE THE ABUSE. EVEN IF THOSE KINKS IN SOME WAY RESEMBLES THE ABUSE.

It doesn't mean we enjoyed it. It doesn't mean we asked for it. It doesn't mean we wanted it. It doesn't mean it was our fault.

For example.

I quite like being pinned down and fucked. Hard. I like the feeling that feeling powerless brings sometimes. Whether with men or women I quite like being told I'm dirty and I want it.

Does this invalidate my rapes?

Fuck no.

See, the thing is that I am consenting to being overpowered. I am consenting to being controlled. In my professional life I make decisions and manage a whole heap of people. When I consent to being treated like an object, it has everything to do with that and nothing to do with rape.

I quite like being spanked, bitten, whipped.

Is that because I like the endorphins that are released or because I miss being beaten up?

(Just in case you wondered, it's the endorphins.)

And there are more kinks I have too, but this isn't a 'what turns Deeva on' post.

It's a post on sexual freedom, on trust, on consent and not everything always being about my fucking abuse.

So no kink shaming please, no victim blaming and NO USING THE FACT THAT I HAVE KINKS TO ENGAGE IN RAPE APOLOGY.

Kinky consensual sex will not damage me. Raping me will.

Only yes means yes.