On Not Grieving For My Daughter

This one is for you @graygender. Thank you for giving me permission to write and publish it.

I have a daughter person who is non binary. Their pronoun is they.

I thought I had a daughter. When they were born they presented as female, they continued to present as female and to be honest with you, if you didn't know they were non binary you would continue to think they were female.

But they are not.

And, not that they need my validation for it, that is fine.

I thought I gave birth to a daughter. Turns out I was wrong. It happens, I am not omnipotent and I make mistakes.

The one mistake I didn't make though was to grieve for the daughter I lost.

I see my friends come out as Trans* and hear stories about how their parents are devastated. They mourn and grieve for their loss of a son, loss of a daughter. They weep and wail at the grandchildren they think they will never have, the weddings that they will never be able to plan, the dress they will never buy.

(Completely ignoring that none of that is true. It might just not be in the way you invisaged.)

It makes me really, really sad for them.

If only they would realise that they never lost a son. They never had a son.

If only they would realise that they never lost a daughter. They never had one.

If only they would stop treating their children like possessions just because they raised them.

If only they would spend the energy they use on rending their clothes and covering the mirrors rejoicing that this person they raised was raised with enough confidence to say 'No, actually, this is not my gender.'

If only they could see that by their coming out they are being honoured as parents.

Once upon a time I thought I had a little girl. Gorgeous and beautiful and funny and clever and loving and amazing.

Now I know I have a non binary daughter person. Guess what? They are still gorgeous and beautiful and funny and clever and loving and amazing.

And brave. And stronger than they think. And I am honoured to be their mother.

I do not grieve for my long lost daughter. I can't. She never existed. It is energy wasted. And I would rather spend the energy getting to know the person they always were.

So, I say this to the to parents of Trans* people everywhere.

When you grieve for what you have lost you invalidate your child. You devalue them. You tell them that they are not good enough. You tell them that what they could bring in terms of weddings and grandchildren means more to you than they do.

Society will already tell them that they are freaks and not normal and different. You should be the place that reassures them that they are the wonderful human beings that they always were.

Don't make a half assed attempt at using their pronouns. Getting it right isn't even a fraction as difficult as the dysphoria they will feel when you misgender them.

If they choose a new name, then honour it. Saying you will always think of them as their birth name denies their agency and they will already get enough of that.

Don't out them without asking permission. As interesting as your child is, as proud of them as you are IT IS NOT YOUR STORY TO TELL. They will tell it in their own way and in their own time. Or not. Their choice.

If your child is a trans woman, please don't try to make her conform to your idea of womanhood. She will have her own and she should be allowed to explore that.

If your child is a trans man please don't expect him to suddenly be into football if he wasn't before.

If your child is non binary then welcome to the club. You might not be able to work out exactly what gender if any they see themselves as. You know what, you don't have to. As long as they are happy and comfortable then your job is just to accept and support.

It is as easy as that.

And anyone pretending it is hard, anyone grieving for the child they lost is missing both out on a lot and the fucking point.