Tall Tales - Internalising Being Unfeminine

My height has long been an issue for me. I am the tallest one in my family. A family of petite women.

I'm taller than both my parents and all of my siblings. Including the boys.

I'm taller than my female cousin.

I'm taller than most women.

And boy, have I felt it.

Why? Because society makes tall women feel unfeminine. Other.

There are exceptions of course, supermodels are tall and held up as bastions of beauty. But what if you're as tall as one, but not as slim or 'beautiful'? (don't get me started on body policing and definitions of beauty) Then you have failed at being feminine. Again.

And heaven forbid you are taller than your man! This is still noteworthy in a society that sees tall women as less feminine. I tower over The Lovely when I am in heels. Should it matter? No. Have I been conditioned to believe it does? Yes. Do I let it stop me wearing heels? Sometimes.

So I buy beautiful shoes then just look at them.

As a teenager, surrounded by petite feminine women I was referred to as gangly and lanky. I have always had quite a deep, husky voice too, and hence was called manly. I was ungraceful, a tomboy, not a proper girl. That I walked around stooped over at the shoulders in a vain attempt to disguise my height just added to this.

There were those (usually men) who referred to me as Amazonian and Statuesque, but as I had already internalised the messages from my family this felt like a polite way of saying unfeminine. A bit like saying big boned instead of fat (don't even start me on fat shaming).

And what of being an Amazon? What images does that word bring? Strong? Sassy? Warrior like? Sexy? You know what, not only is that a hell of a thing to live up to, but it suggests that tall women can't have their insecurities just like everyone else. It also enables the patronising and infantalising of short women who struggle to be taken seriously. My friend Wendy put it best when she said 'when people can look down on you physically they do it mentally too.'

Sometimes my height has been fetishised. There are men and women who positively drool over my height. That made me feel like an object, a freak and contributed to my feeling of otherness.
ROLL UP! ROLL UP AND SEE THE TALL WOMAN IN HER HEELS WITH HER LONG LEGS AND MASSIVE BOOBS! TWO TICKETS FOR A POUND!

Just no. I'm not here to be objectified or fetishised.

This may be a shock, but our height does not define our personality any more than our hair or eye colour. Redheads are not more fiery, green eyes don't mean you are more passionate. And I say this as someone with green eyes.

It's just genetics. I'm tall. Society should just get over it. I know I will.

And I will wear the beautiful shoes.

So if you really feel you must describe me in terms of my height, how about just saying tall. That'll do, you know.

And fuck anyone who is threatened by my being tall. It says more about you than it does about me.

No, I Don't Deserve To Be Raped.

Been meaning to write this blog post for a while, but xmas, new year and a stinking cold got in the way. Am writing it now because of a conversation I had with a total dick on Twitter. @CharlieStargatt just in case you wish to avoid him.

He asserted that if a woman is dressed provocatively, drunk and flirting, when she gets raped it is partly her fault.

I'm sure you can imagine how well that went down with me.

We argued back and forth for a while, I said ' @CharlieStargatt by your logic any woman who openly flirts with a man is to blame when she gets raped.'

He replied with ' @goddessdeeva oh my god really... in this given situation... the woman is PARTLY TO BLAME!!!!! I'm not saying the man isn't in the wrong..'

I felt sick. Physically sick. I told him I wept for him and hoped he never had daughters. Then I blocked him.

So why this post today? Because, alas, he is not alone. There are men and women, who because of slut shaming, victims blaming , patriarchy and rape culture generally really believe that this is a thing. That a woman who dresses 'provocatively', has a drink and flirts deserves to be raped. That she is to blame. If only 'partly'.

This goes out to all of you.

When I go out, I wear clothes that are sometimes tight, short and revealing. When I do this am I saying?
a) I am wearing these clothes because I like them and I am comfortable in my own skin.
b) I am wearing these clothes to provoke your innate sense of manliness and incite you to a sexual act over which you have no control.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.

I sometimes like to drink when I go out. Sometimes, hard to believe I know, to excess. Am I saying?
a) I'm a grown woman who likes a drink sometimes.
b) I am purposefully inebriating myself so that I may make your conquest of me easier, as obviously you are a man who cannot control his urges.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.

I'm quite a friendly person whether or not I've been drinking and I have a genuine interest in people. I may end up in the smoking area of a pub chatting to you. I may be smiling, tactile, laughing at your jokes.
One last time then, am I saying?
a) You seem like a nice guy to have a chat with, I am going to chat to you while I feel safe in your company.
b) I'm only talking to you because I obviously fancy you and I want to make it easier for you to assert your manly ways over me.
c) Please force your penis inside me against my will.

Let me make this VERY CLEAR, I could be drunk, naked, and lying legs akimbo in the street, the answer is NEVER going to be please force your penis inside me against my will.

I am not responsible for the actions of a rapist. A rapist is responsible for the actions of a rapist.
She lead me on is not an excuse. I could change my mind part way through and if you didn't stop when I told you to it would be rape.

So fuck you if you think I or any other person deserves to be raped because of their actions.
It's yours you want to be looking at.

Happy new year.