This guest post is by a mate of mine who has made me roar laughing. If you are of a delicate disposition then what the fuck are you doing on THIS site??
Now let me tell you, online dating is a weird thing. Profiles are largely fake and full of the kind of lies people think will make them desirable, pictures are strategic (trust me, mine are all at a perfect angle with my make up and hair done nice. Got to use the right bait to catch a pretty one) and Tinder boys are a curious breed. I've experienced them all from men wanting a wife (nah mate, am good thanks) to men wanting a dominatrix (and alas I'm a sub so can't fill that role). But all in all I've found that they believe all women are princesses in need of saving OR a walking masturbation aid. There is very little middle ground.
As a result of this mentality I developed rules. They're dead simple.
1. Boys do not stay at my house
2. If you send a dick pic as an opener you get nothing except a swift block
3. If you catch feelings dead quick you will get blocked
4. If I don't want to see you again you will get blocked
5. Fuckboy games will get you nowhere fast and you will get blocked
So before that comes across harsh, I guess I should tell you why I'm on Tinder; why I'm really on Tinder. Hi, I'm Nutty. I'm 30, I'm into Xbox, Netflix, younger lads, dick, and the kind of sex that leaves bruises. And it's sooooo much easier to get what you're after online than it is to find a random in a bar who is too drunk to even fuck, never mind do it how I like.
To explain my rules I'll have to give examples so you understand. Names are obvs changed to prevent little fuckboys getting exposed and allow them to continue their games with a degree of anonymity.
BOYS DO NOT STAY OVER
Enter David. Pretty enough, decent in bed but nothing to write home about. Met off tinder purely because I was horny and had no one to play with. He stayed for three fucking nights because I was bored and ate all my food. He left when I threw him out after arguing with him about why the fuck he hadn't gone home yet. Sleeping over breeds attachment, I'm not about that life.
NO UNSOLICITED DICK PICS
I have my snapchat on my Tinder profile. Sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it's just wall to wall disappointment. I'm literally swimming in a sea of dick the second I open that app. And oh my days do little boys lie! Sweetie, I know what eight or nine inches looks like, I had that on tap for years (this is part of the reason why any woman is lucky to get my ex incidentally) and your three inch effort doesn't qualify. Go bother someone else with your attempted cockfishing (it's a real thing, trust me. Catfishing with your dick is pointless and disappointing, let me tell you)
DONT CATCH FEELINGS
Here we have Mortal, a boy I met off Xbox. A dirty little 19 year old catfish from Hull who I fucked for a few months right after I became single. Kid caught feelings after the first time we had sex (I'm just that good) and wanted to move in with me. Lesson learned. I don't want a fella right now, I just want someone to give it to me rough on a semi regular basis. Off you fuck with your feelings.
BAD SEX = SWIFT BLOCK
If all you have to offer me is thirty seconds of disappointment and nothing else, off you fuck. If you don't return oral, off you fuck. If you've a grip like a three year old, off you fuck. If you think spanking is kinky, then baby you've seen nothing yet and off you fuck. Simple. I know what I like and I'll look til I find it.
NO FUCKBOY GAMES
Don't tell me I'm the only girl you see. You're not the only lad I fuck, and I'm upfront about it so be straight with me. Don't make me out to be special, I don't care. You're here because you're pretty and I like your dick; nothing else, don't get it twisted. But mostly don't insult my intelligence by assuming I don't see through it. I know your games because I play them too. Every lad I plan on seeing again is the best sex I've ever had. Because male egos, especially young male egos, can be fragile and like to hear that shit to make them come back. The lad who actually is knows it, loves it, looks at me like he could eat me, does me rough and I fucking adore him for it all. But never assume I don't know your game because I play it better; I'm a hell of an actress when it suits.
But back to Tinder. I've always been a slut. Yes I said slut and I meant it. If men can own being called a fuckboy, a term developed so women could call them what they are, then I sure as fuck can own being a slut. And I won't be ashamed of it. I like dick, I love sex and I refuse to be shamed into thinking its a bad thing. It's not at all, and if men can go out looking for a quick fuck then so can I. If my body count offends you then it's your issue not mine. If the sex I like upsets you, then don't have it. I like what I like and I am who I am. If my actions aren't lady like enough for you then I would like to suggest you drag yourself into this century, times have changed mate. And I use Tinder as my dick hunting ground because it's a simple way to weed out the weak and get what I'm after. Saves doing it the old fashioned way and only getting mediocrity when I'm after a little more than that.
And as for mediocrity, oh my days. So many boys who talk a good game and can't back it. And so many more who are so vanilla it hurts. Don't tell me you're a demon and turn up with a freshly polished halo and your wings on straight. I want a good hard fucking, not someone to make love to me. But I digress...
So originally I went on Tinder to find love. Or whatever. I won't find that on Tinder but more power to the people that do. But I went on looking for someone to fill the void my ex left. And not THAT void, although to be fair I'm yet to find someone that measures up. No, I just mean someone to care about me.
Now a few months of mediocrity and taking anything offered to me brought me to the following conclusion:
DATING SITES PREY ON THE NEEDY, THE LONELY, AND THOSE WHO FEEL DAMAGED.
I walked away from a wonderful man because after years of depression I just couldn't do it any more. It wasn't his fault but the relationship didn't help me. I left. I took to online dating thinking I knew what I wanted. I wanted someone to love me and make me happy. How they were meant to make me happy, I had no idea. At that time I couldn't make myself happy so how anyone else was meant to I'll never know. But I had this Hollywood, romanticised idea of the whole thing so fuck it, why not. A few fucking awful dates later (see Gimley, the little larping weirdo that found me a bit too much to handle, or Luke who had all the personality of wallpaper paste but talked a good game) and I realised something. These sites are a glorified cattle market. And if you stick a low price around your neck you'll end up being bought by someone that couldn't afford your actual value.
After so long in a relationship I thought I stood no chance. And Tinder is such a fickle place to search for love with its catalogue of catfish and disappointment for you to swipe your way through in the hope of finding something meaningful. Admittedly it's the only online app I use now. I refuse to pay for Match, Plenty of Chlamydia can fuck off, and OK Cupid is weird. So is Fet Life although I think that's a given. Had some very curious offers off that site, let me tell you! But I really thought that as a thirty year old fat bird no one would want me. I felt damaged. I took what I could get because I thought I deserved no better. Using Tinder didn't help because I was getting no one interested in me. I was too needy, too low, too filled with self doubt. And that's what Tinder needs to thrive. People who don't feel they deserve more than some little cretin demanding pictures and calling you a bitch for not sending them. I know because I was one of them.
I'll tell you what fixed my attitude, his names Paul (well no it's not but let's pretend). He's a friend I've known online for a while. He's criminally good looking, mad as a box of frogs and pure, utter filth. And he fucks me like a whore and worships me like a goddess. Perfect. Now, like I said, Paul is criminally good looking. And when he knows he's going to do wonderfully bad things he just looks better than you could imagine. I'm easily a seven fucking a solid ten when I'm with him. But you know what, he loves it. Every wobbly, bumpy, annoying bit of me I hate he thinks is fantastic and he loves how I look. I've never had a lad tell me I'm sexy with a look in his eyes like he could eat me. Not like when he looks at me. And if ever something is going to cement in your head that you're something special it's that look. The fact that he thinks I'm sound and he's the only lad I break my rules for (he gets to stay over. Hell, I'd keep him chained up in my bedroom if it weren't for the ethical and legal implications) is all an aside with him. He gave me back the kind of confidence in who I am and how I look that I've not had since I was 19. And I never knew I'd lost it before he reminded me. I've not caught feelings by the way, I'm just fully addicted. Good dick will do that to you.
Now if you want examples of how vile men on dating sites are, go take a look on my Twitter @ScouseTindrella (no do it, follow me, love me...I'm funny as fuck I swear!). There are so many examples of why men are a curious species. And no, I'm not a man hating lunatic. I love men, they're wonderful and most of my bestest humans are men. Just that some of them need a high five in the face with a brick. But if you don't get your way don't take it out on women. And don't get mad when women play you at your own game. I don't NEED to find you attractive, a compliment isn't a binding sexual contract and yes babe, women will use you for sex as much as you try to do the same. Times are changing, embrace it and move on.
The same attitude applies to friends and family. Their concern is sweet but I'm not after it. I shouldn't use dating apps because men are after ONE THING. Um, yeah same. I don't go on Tinder to make friends in much the same way I don't go on PornHub to see if that plumber can actually fix the sink. Calm down. Stop trying to force me into a box I don't fit in and make me go back to your version of happy. It's not the life I want right now. Plus I worked hard to build my little army of fuckboys and I'm not about to give it up now. I really don't want to settle down and find someone to marry. If I wanted that I'd have stayed with my ex, plastered on a happy lie, and tried to power through another few years of misery and depression. But it's not what I want.
I'm trying to own Tinder right now. I'm throwing the games back at the fuckboys that play them because I understand the rules and I'm better at it than they are. Wanna be creepy with me, go for it babe I'll put it on Twitter and show the world how much of a catch you aren't. Wanna tell me I'm something special and lie, sweetie that's fine; 7 billion people on this planet I can easy find another fuckboy to take your place amongst the ranks. Wanna call me a slut, please yourself but I'm a slut that knows her way around a man and who will never give you a demonstration.
I felt less than I was for ages. I know I'm worth more now and no half arsed concern from friends and family about my lifestyle will alter that perception. Sure, I'll find a nice guy eventually, but til then I've my little fuckboy squad to entertain me. Who cares if they're not age appropriate, younger lads are much more fun, I can promise you that. So hold your concern, your worries, your fears that I'm getting a reputation. I have a reputation and I earned it - I'm different (which from what I can gather means filth, but it sounds more polite so I'll run with it), I'm a damned good time and I'm down for a laugh. If you like it come see me, if it's not your thing shut your mouth and judge someone else. I love me, online dating won't break me of that now, and I'm having a fucking ball until Mister Right comes along.
"Worship me like a goddess but don't get me twisted. I'm not Aphrodite. You're messing with a goddess of vengeance and war. Tread carefully." - @ScouseTindrella
