On The Appropriate Language To Use Around 'Ladies'

This one is dedicated to @Brixtonite. You rock sister.

It's ten to nine and I'm on a train. I have hash browns and a large latte for breakfast. The sun is shining, people are smiling and all is good. Twitter has been making me roar laughing at UKIP and I have a whole table to myself in this carriage.

Why then do I have this underlying feeling of irritation?

Language. Specifically language used to describe my gender.

It's been brewing for a while, but was brought to a head by seeing yesterday that the problem with feminism is that 'they deny slags exist'.

Notwithstanding the idea that a woman should be able to have as many sexual partners as she likes, leaving aside the woman hating rhetoric, it was the casual acceptance of the language that got to me.

I work in an office where I am the only woman. All my colleagues are men. My manager is a man. His manager is a man. I am the only woman. In a professional setting.

Yet when I objected to being referred to as a girl or a lady in that context, me, who has to work twice as hard for half the recognition, me, who still earns less than my male counterparts, when I object I get eye rolls. I get 'she's hard work isn't she?'. I get 'what am I going to do with you?'.

Here's an idea. Treat me with the same respect as you do the men.

I am a woman. There, that wasn't difficult was it?

I am not a girl. I do not throw like a girl, I am not a big girls blouse. I am not a girl and will never accept you calling me one while girl is taken to mean lesser.

I am not a lady. I do not buy into your purity culture. Nor do I need protecting from machismo. Machismo is more likely to need protection from me! I am not and refuse to be referred to as lady while it ever has the tag 'little' attached to it.

I am not a cunt. I have one, but am not one. I have now spent 4 months not using it as a pejorative and I haven't missed it. I'm far more inventive now.

I'm not a bitch either. Even it's common usage. I don't see a male gendered version anywhere. It's misogynist and I refute it.

I'm not a split arse, a bit of tail. I'm not a thing to hit. I'm not a spunk receptacle. I'm not yours to protect, use or abuse.

And I'm certainly not a slag. What I do with my body is my business, not yours and I reject your notion of keeping my purity safe for the right man. Fuck off.

I was asked by a co worker what he should call me, being as I objected to 'young lady'.

'How about Deeva?' I replied. 'You call the men by their names, why strip me of mine?'

So, if you want to get my attention, greet me or refer to me, why not use my name. That is what it is there for.

If you really must refer to my gender then woman will do.

On Shithead Sexist Customers

Had a weird bloke in today. I could tell you where I work, but then I would  have to kill you so why he was in my workplace will be vague, but why he was there is not as important as his behaviour while he was.

We decided to call him The Hedge as he was Irish, wore a little hat and bore a passing resemblance to The Edge from U2. His mate looked nothing like Bono. Which I suppose is by the by.

Anyhoo, back to The Hedge.

Wandered over to me and said 'your tattoos are shit.' Bloody charming! My riposte was 'and you have no manners, what's your point?'.

He liked that, told me I had an attitude and that it was sexy. And he knew sexy. And was very good at sex. Ugh.

He then showed me his tattoos. Which were proper shit to me but he loved them which is the point. I'm not going to judge anyone on their tattoos. Luckily I didn't see the one on his thigh, though he did start to undo his belt so he could show me.

I told him if he did it would be the last thing he did.

He then told me he was homophobic. Nice. Said that he just didn't get it. That he had his reasons but didn't want to go into them.

Then he told me he'd been in prison.

Now, I'm no shrink, but I don't think it takes a genius to work it out.

He then seemed very keen for me to know what a double hard bastard he was. Yawn. Apparently if we went out he'd look after me. That I made him aware that I was totally capable of looking after myself made me feisty apparently. And The Hedge liked that too.

So far so dealing with a prick at work.

He then decided to tell me what the problem with women was.

Watching my colleagues run for cover made it all worth it.

With them peering round a corner at a safe distance Mr The Hedge told me that the problem with women is that they are now too empowered and that we have made men into weak pussies in the process.

In my place of work.

To me.

Boy had he picked the wrong woman to say that too!

First I asked him where he wanted his remains sent. I didn't care about the fight he'd got into in Swindon, he was going the fuck down.

The Hedge protested that he wasn't sexist and he loved women. He just didn't think that we should have the same rights as men because men were stronger.

My colleagues hid again.

The Hedge got it both barrels from me. I didn't shout, I was at work after all, but he left under no illusion that he would be lucky if he ever had sex again with that attitude no matter how good he thought he was at it.

And I pointed out that women weren't likely to tell him he was crap.

He was a little less cocky after that.

I taught him all about equality and he was very, very sorry. Mr Double Hard Bastard The Hedge also looked very, very scared. I'm not sure the two were mutually exclusive.

He told me then that he was an alcoholic. 'so is my wife' I told him.

Funny, Mr Homophobia got real interested then. Dickhead.

He left shortly after that with a lecture about fetishising lesbians ringing in his ears.

He went to pat my knee as he left. I warned him that he would lose a limb if he touched me.

Mr Double Hard Bastard thought better of it.

As if it were a post apocalyptic wasteland my colleagues slowly emerged. Still wary, but hopeful that the worst had passed.

So what is the point of me sharing this encounter with you?

It's this.

Could you imagine any of that happening if I were male?

Luckily I can hold my own against dickheads like The Hedge, but not every woman can, and to be honest no woman should have to.

Sexism, entitlement and privilege.

As a woman I deal with it every day and I've had enough.

This is why feminism.

On Witchcraft And Being Compared To Thatcher

Been a while since I did an anger fuelled post, so maybe this is overdue. But today I am fucking furious.

What has set me off? Thatcher. Specifically calling her a witch. The whole Ding Dong thing. I have tried to ignore it, I have tried to laugh it off, but I can't hold my peace on this anymore.

I am a witch. There, am now out of the broom closet. And the asshole that was Thatcher was nothing like me or any of my fellow witches.

Just some of the responses I have had to my fury and my answers to them are below.

'It's just a word Deeva! Not an attack on you personally!' FUCK. OFF. It isn't just a word. It is a personal attack on me.

Here are some other words. Nigger. Bitch. Poof. Nancy Boy. Trannie. Spastic. Dirty Arab. Spanish Practices.

Squirming yet? Good. Those are 'just words' too. Get the fuck out of my face.

I am a witch. I venerate nature. The earth is my temple. I mark the seasons. I promote healing, love and sharing. I live by the tenet 'An it harm none, do as thou wilt.' I am about protecting the vulnerable. About sharing the wealth. About being as good a human being as it is possible to be.

Sound like Thatcher? Didn't think so.

'Is it offensive to the good witch from the Wizard of Oz too?' GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!

Let's put to one side the fact that the Wizard of Oz is a fictional account of a Hollywood depiction of witches. I think we are all intelligent enough to see that. I would answer that question with a resounding yes. I am sure that Glinda would be absolutely furious to be compared to a mass murdering, resource plundering hater and killer of the poor.

But back to reality for a minute. When Cameron shuffles off this mortal coil, will anyone be calling him a witch? No. It is a derogatory term for a woman. And I reject it. Not only as a comparison with Thatcher but as misogyny.

'It's just about Thatcher!!' NO. We shouldn't give ourselves the right to be offensive because it is someone we rightly despised. The W word has been popping up in all other kinds of places because of this. It is lazy, it is enabling and it is as despicable as the woman herself was to suspend our own standards as a society so we can vent our venom. We are cleverer than this. We have a better vocabulary than this for fuck's sake.

Hate her all you want, I know I do. Celebrate all you want, I have no problem with that. Find her grave and bring your tap shoes if that is your thing. But stop calling her a witch.

I am a witch. I am a good person. And I reserve the right to be fucking furious when I am being compared to Thatcher.

Just fucking stop it.

On Mourning Thatcher Or Not

This post was written by my twin @calmconfusion She is bloody awesome and I am proud to have her guest on my blog.

To those that know me, you know I am not heartless or unsympathetic by nature, but you also know, I will tell it as I see it, and as I see status's having a go at people who are not saying lovely things about Thatcher, then I am going to join in and make my position known.

To those who tell me I shouldn't speak out against Thatcher because she is dead, I say this... I am no hypocrite, I loathed her while alive, so why would you expect me to now think otherwise?

To those who tell me it's a matter of respect for her family. I say this... Where were you with your talk of respect for family when she destroyed the lives and families of so, so many people, it's is these families I think of now, these families that my heart goes out to.

For those of you who tell me she's dead now, it's over, move on. I say this... The people cannot and will not forget the pain and suffering she rejoiced in causing.

The truth is dead or alive her legacy lives on, division and inequality... Where is our industry? She was homophobic, she privatised everything she could (subsequent governments have followed because she made it possible). She destroyed trade unions because they gave voice to the people she wanted to destroy, the working class.

And so, I have no objection to you updating your statuses mourning her death, but I am still mourning her life.

We must learn from history, to do that we cannot, must not forget.

Freedom of speech, this is how I feel, if you feel otherwise that's your right.

I have seen some fantastic debates take place on social media today, and for the most part I have observed that those speaking out against Thatcher have a lot of facts to back up their opinions, those speaking in favour are mainly just arguing the point that she has a family, so we should be nice, and she was a woman PM.

WhoopeeDooo... She had a fanny... She was still a nasty piece of work!

*** 

Just in case you forgot:

Thatchers record....

1. She supported the retention of capital punishment

2. She destroyed the country's manufacturing industry

3. She voted against the relaxation of divorce laws

4. She abolished free milk for schoolchildren ("Margaret Thatcher, Milk Snatcher")

5. She supported more freedom for business (and look how that turned out)

6. She gained support from the National Front in the 1979 election by pandering to the fears of immigration

7. She gerrymandered local authorities by forcing through council house sales, at the same time preventing councils from spending the money they got for selling houses on building new houses (spending on social housing dropped by 67% in her premiership)

8. She was responsible for 3.6 million unemployed - the highest figure and the highest proportion of the workforce in history and three times the previous government. Massaging of the figures means that the figure was closer to 5 million

9. She ignored intelligence about Argentinian preparations for the invasion of the Falkland Islands and scrapped the only Royal Navy presence in the islands

10. The poll tax

11. She presided over the closure of 150 coal mines; we are now crippled by the cost of energy, having to import expensive coal from abroad

12. She compared her "fight" against the miners to the Falklands War

13. She privatised state monopolies and created the corporate greed culture that we've been railing against for the last 5 years

14. She introduced the gradual privatisation of the NHS

15. She introduced financial deregulation in a way that turned city institutions into avaricious money pits

16. She pioneered the unfailing adoration and unquestioning support of the USA

17. She allowed the US to place nuclear missiles on UK soil, under US control

18. Section 28

19. She opposed anti-apartheid sanctions against South Africa and described Nelson Mandela as "that grubby little terrorist"

20. She support the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia and sent the SAS to train their soldiers

21. She allowed the US to bomb Libya in 1986, against the wishes of more than 2/3 of the population

22. She opposed the reunification of Germany

23. She invented Quangos 24. She increased VAT from 8% to 17.5%

25. She had the lowest approval rating of any post-war Prime Minister

26. Her post-PM job? Consultant to Philip Morris tobacco at $250,000 a year, plus $50,000 per speech

27. The Al Yamamah contract

28. She opposed the indictment of Chile's General Pinochet

29. Social unrest under her leadership was higher than at any time since the General Strike

30. She presided over interest rates increasing to 15%

31. BSE 

32. She presided over 2 million manufacturing job losses in the 79-81 recession

33. She opposed the inclusion of Eire in the Northern Ireland peace process

34. She supported sanctions-busting arms deals with South Africa 

35. Cecil Parkinson, Alan Clark, David Mellor, Jeffrey Archer, Jonathan Aitkin

36. Crime rates doubled under Thatcher

37. Black Wednesday – Britain withdraws from the ERM and the pound is devalued. Cost to Britain - £3.5 billion; profit for George Soros - £1 billion

38. Poverty doubled while she opposed a minimum wage

39. She privatised public services, claiming at the time it would increase public ownership. Most are now owned either by foreign governments (EDF) or major investment houses. The profits don’t now accrue to the taxpayer, but to foreign or institutional shareholders.

40. She cut 75% of funding to museums, galleries and other sources of education

41. In the Thatcher years the top 10% of earners received almost 50% of the tax remissions

42. 21.9% inflation.

So no. I don't think either of us will weep for Thatcher. We will fight to end Thatcherism together. Till our dying breaths. 

You can either join us or wail.

You choose

On Coming Out - Three Little Words

Finally did it. Finally joined PCS Proud. Been meaning to do it for a while but I wasn't ready.

I needed to be sure of myself, I needed to be sure of my family, I needed to be sure that I was doing it for the right reasons.

And I wasn't fully out yet.

That this was the case might surprise some of you who are used to me being REALLY open about most aspects of my life. I've talked on here about rape, violence, low self esteem, my eating disorder, my mental health, damn, there wasn't much left to talk about except my sexuality!

So why didn't I?

Because it was a secret. And had been kept secret for a very long time. Those who knew me very well knew of course but my bisexuality had been held back by a series of three little words...

CAN I WATCH?

No, as it happens you fucking can't. You don't want to watch me have sex with men I suppose? Didn't think so. You fetishise my sexuality and expect me to be there for your gratification. Fuck you. Actually, I'd rather not. (See also, Man, that's hot)

YOU'RE JUST GREEDY

No, as it happens, I'm not. I just happen to be attracted to both sexes.

YOU'RE JUST CONFUSED

No, as it happens, I'm not. There is nothing confused about my being sexually attracted to both women and men. I was only ever confused when I was trying to deny my sexuality to myself. Pointless exercise, but hey there was a reason. And that was...

DON'T TELL ANYONE

The Big Ex this was. He knew when we met, but was embarrassed about it. If I told anyone he would jump on his grumpy trike and take a couple of laps around the block. Then he would sulk. For weeks sometimes, so even though my nearest and dearest knew, it wasn't something that got mentioned in 'polite company'. Fucking asshole.

So, what made me finally come out?

Three more little words.

I LOVE YOU

Finally I have that without question. It isn't a way of controlling me, not supressing me, it just is. And about bloody time too.

I ACCEPT YOU

Oh by the seven this has been heady stuff! To be accepted for exactly who I am? Wow! I know I shouldn't rely on others' acceptance to accept myself but hey, goddesses are human too and it has helped.

I TRUST YOU

Finally!!!!! Someone who understands that just because I am attracted to women and men that this does not mean that I am going to cheat on them. It isn't an addiction. It isn't something I can't control. I am not constantly on the prowl. It's just a thing about me.

And finally. The other three words that meant I could come out.

YEAH, ME TOO...

There are a lot of us about. And we are just people. And some of us are in long term relationships with men. And some of us are single. And some of us are just bumbling along.

Tell you what we're not though.

Confused. Greedy. Indecisive.

Just bisexual.

Only Yes Means Yes

There were actual tears of joy in my house over the Steubenville verdict.

My heart went out to the Jane Doe who was raped, sexually assaulted and dragged naked from party to party while people posted pictures of her, calling her 'dead girl'.

My heart sang out when I realised that DESPITE ALL MY EXPECTATIONS that this time, justice had been done.

And I beamed all over my crying face when I realised that we had finally moved on from 'no means no'.

No Means No has stood us in good stead over the years. Like an old friend it has stood up for us, comforted us and respected our boundaries. It made others respect them too, but it didn't go far enough. It didn't cover what happens when we are, like Jane Doe of Steubenville we are unable to consent. It doesn't embrace the concept of enthusiastic consent.

And that's why I am overjoyed that we have finally moved to a place where only yes means yes.

Only yes means yes takes the onus off the victim. It means that the onus is on the instigator to be ABSOFREAKINGLUTELY FUCKING CERTAIN that the other person wants sex.

Only yes means yes means that there can be no doubt as to whether or not they want sex with you and rape will fall like a stone right? Right?

Well, you would hope so, but there are health warnings.

Firstly, anyone who thinks yes always means enthusiastic consent doesn't understand the nature of coercion and abuse. Giving in to avoid a punch or the sulks isn't enthusiastic consent.

Secondly, amazing as the Steubenville verdict was, we have a long way to go before Only Yes Means Yes enters the psyche of humanity as a whole.

Thirdly, even if that happens there will still be rape. Because rape isn't about being horny or mixed signals, it is about power and control. Neither No Means No or Only Yes Means Yes will change that.

So what does this all actually mean?

It means that we have moved on and that we have a new springboard to teach others what actually constitutes rape. It means that things are clearer. It means that we have something else to reach our sons with.

If they are not enthusiastically saying yes, they are effectively saying no.

And no still means no.

On Sex As Affection And Validation In Abusive Relationships

TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR ABUSE AND RAPE

Had this post running round my head for the last couple of hours and for once I wasn't sure whether or not to write it.

It's gonna be a whole heap of personal.

So I did what any rational, sane internet addict would do and asked Twitter if I should. They said yes, and who am I to go against the will of the Twitterverse?

So here it is. My thoughts, for what they are worth, on sex and abuse.

I have never been shy about talking about the abuse I have survived. I talked about the violence, and the rape, and the emotional as well as physical scars I have. But I survived. I survived able to have a healthy relationship with my friends, my family and especially The Lovely. That I am able to do this is a real victory for me.

So, what does this have to do with sex?

I like sex. I love it and have quite a high sex drive. I enjoy a wonderful sex life and I'm proud that I can after all the abuse I have been through. I have no body issues any more and spend 99% of my time feeling like a sassy, sexy goddess. I'm a regular fucking horndog. Yay me!

It occurred to me today though that my attitude to sex hasn't always been quite so healthy.

When I was in abusive relationships I was being put down. I was fat, ugly, stupid, pathetic.

And I wanted sex. I wasn't horny, I just needed that validation that I was worthwhile. If he was having sex with me it meant that I wasn't as bad as he was saying. There had to be something good about me or he wouldn't want to have sex with me right?

I was being beaten. At one point, one of the abusers thought it would be funny to punch me as hard as he could between my legs. So hard that my pelvic bone was bruised enough that I couldn't wear underwear for three weeks.

And he still wanted sex with me. I get now it was to cause as much pain to me as possible, but in my fucked up way I felt GRATEFUL that he would want to have sex with me, someone who obviously wasn't enjoying it because of the pain. So I cried silently and tried to pretend I liked it.

And I was raped. Continually. But sometimes, (not every time, most of the time I don't even remember what I was feeling, and definitely not during) afterwards, when I was cleaning up blood and putting ice packs on the various parts of my body that were in agony, even that in some proper fucked up way felt like validation.

He had me that dependent on him that he had me convinced that he wouldn't do it if he didn't love me so much.

And that made me feel better somehow. Like I wasn't worthless and useless and fat and ugly. I could cry for how fucked up I was. For how every family relationship where I internalised being unfeminine and unbeautiful and stupid and just plain worthless had led to this point.

And you know what? I needed comfort after his attacks. Anyone would need comfort after being attacked. He had me so isolated from anyone who would or could help me or comfort me, that it had to be him I turned to for that comfort. And there were never any cuddles. So that meant sex.

Like I say, I'm much better these days. Sex is a healthy, enjoyable thing for me. I have no inhibitions and it is ALWAYS on my terms.

But sometimes, just sometimes, after a row or if I'm feeling hormonal or something I find myself wanting sex without the accompanying horn. For affection. For validation. Because there is still a part of me who internalised not being good enough and that will never completely leave.

So always be good to your children and never put them down. They internalise and normalise that shit and it makes them easier prey for abusers.

And when you see someone in an abusive relationship who isn't leaving and seems to still be having a sex life, try not to judge. Try to give some empathy and let them know they can talk to you.

It might save their life.

It certainly saved mine.