Been a while since I did an anger fuelled post, so maybe this is overdue. But today I am fucking furious.
What has set me off? Thatcher. Specifically calling her a witch. The whole Ding Dong thing. I have tried to ignore it, I have tried to laugh it off, but I can't hold my peace on this anymore.
I am a witch. There, am now out of the broom closet. And the asshole that was Thatcher was nothing like me or any of my fellow witches.
Just some of the responses I have had to my fury and my answers to them are below.
'It's just a word Deeva! Not an attack on you personally!' FUCK. OFF. It isn't just a word. It is a personal attack on me.
Here are some other words. Nigger. Bitch. Poof. Nancy Boy. Trannie. Spastic. Dirty Arab. Spanish Practices.
Squirming yet? Good. Those are 'just words' too. Get the fuck out of my face.
I am a witch. I venerate nature. The earth is my temple. I mark the seasons. I promote healing, love and sharing. I live by the tenet 'An it harm none, do as thou wilt.' I am about protecting the vulnerable. About sharing the wealth. About being as good a human being as it is possible to be.
Sound like Thatcher? Didn't think so.
'Is it offensive to the good witch from the Wizard of Oz too?' GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!
Let's put to one side the fact that the Wizard of Oz is a fictional account of a Hollywood depiction of witches. I think we are all intelligent enough to see that. I would answer that question with a resounding yes. I am sure that Glinda would be absolutely furious to be compared to a mass murdering, resource plundering hater and killer of the poor.
But back to reality for a minute. When Cameron shuffles off this mortal coil, will anyone be calling him a witch? No. It is a derogatory term for a woman. And I reject it. Not only as a comparison with Thatcher but as misogyny.
'It's just about Thatcher!!' NO. We shouldn't give ourselves the right to be offensive because it is someone we rightly despised. The W word has been popping up in all other kinds of places because of this. It is lazy, it is enabling and it is as despicable as the woman herself was to suspend our own standards as a society so we can vent our venom. We are cleverer than this. We have a better vocabulary than this for fuck's sake.
Hate her all you want, I know I do. Celebrate all you want, I have no problem with that. Find her grave and bring your tap shoes if that is your thing. But stop calling her a witch.
I am a witch. I am a good person. And I reserve the right to be fucking furious when I am being compared to Thatcher.
Just fucking stop it.
Saturday, 13 April 2013
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
On Mourning Thatcher Or Not
This post was written by my twin @calmconfusion She is bloody awesome and I am proud to have her guest on my blog.
To those that know me, you know I am not heartless or unsympathetic by nature, but you also know, I will tell it as I see it, and as I see status's having a go at people who are not saying lovely things about Thatcher, then I am going to join in and make my position known.
To those who tell me I shouldn't speak out against Thatcher because she is dead, I say this... I am no hypocrite, I loathed her while alive, so why would you expect me to now think otherwise?
To those who tell me it's a matter of respect for her family. I say this... Where were you with your talk of respect for family when she destroyed the lives and families of so, so many people, it's is these families I think of now, these families that my heart goes out to.
For those of you who tell me she's dead now, it's over, move on. I say this... The people cannot and will not forget the pain and suffering she rejoiced in causing.
The truth is dead or alive her legacy lives on, division and inequality... Where is our industry? She was homophobic, she privatised everything she could (subsequent governments have followed because she made it possible). She destroyed trade unions because they gave voice to the people she wanted to destroy, the working class.
And so, I have no objection to you updating your statuses mourning her death, but I am still mourning her life.
We must learn from history, to do that we cannot, must not forget.
Freedom of speech, this is how I feel, if you feel otherwise that's your right.
I have seen some fantastic debates take place on social media today, and for the most part I have observed that those speaking out against Thatcher have a lot of facts to back up their opinions, those speaking in favour are mainly just arguing the point that she has a family, so we should be nice, and she was a woman PM.
WhoopeeDooo... She had a fanny... She was still a nasty piece of work!
***
Just in case you forgot:
Thatchers record....
1. She supported the retention of capital punishment
2. She destroyed the country's manufacturing industry
3. She voted against the relaxation of divorce laws
4. She abolished free milk for schoolchildren ("Margaret Thatcher, Milk Snatcher")
5. She supported more freedom for business (and look how that turned out)
6. She gained support from the National Front in the 1979 election by pandering to the fears of immigration
7. She gerrymandered local authorities by forcing through council house sales, at the same time preventing councils from spending the money they got for selling houses on building new houses (spending on social housing dropped by 67% in her premiership)
8. She was responsible for 3.6 million unemployed - the highest figure and the highest proportion of the workforce in history and three times the previous government. Massaging of the figures means that the figure was closer to 5 million
9. She ignored intelligence about Argentinian preparations for the invasion of the Falkland Islands and scrapped the only Royal Navy presence in the islands
10. The poll tax
11. She presided over the closure of 150 coal mines; we are now crippled by the cost of energy, having to import expensive coal from abroad
12. She compared her "fight" against the miners to the Falklands War
13. She privatised state monopolies and created the corporate greed culture that we've been railing against for the last 5 years
14. She introduced the gradual privatisation of the NHS
15. She introduced financial deregulation in a way that turned city institutions into avaricious money pits
16. She pioneered the unfailing adoration and unquestioning support of the USA
17. She allowed the US to place nuclear missiles on UK soil, under US control
18. Section 28
19. She opposed anti-apartheid sanctions against South Africa and described Nelson Mandela as "that grubby little terrorist"
20. She support the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia and sent the SAS to train their soldiers
21. She allowed the US to bomb Libya in 1986, against the wishes of more than 2/3 of the population
22. She opposed the reunification of Germany
23. She invented Quangos 24. She increased VAT from 8% to 17.5%
25. She had the lowest approval rating of any post-war Prime Minister
26. Her post-PM job? Consultant to Philip Morris tobacco at $250,000 a year, plus $50,000 per speech
27. The Al Yamamah contract
28. She opposed the indictment of Chile's General Pinochet
29. Social unrest under her leadership was higher than at any time since the General Strike
30. She presided over interest rates increasing to 15%
31. BSE
32. She presided over 2 million manufacturing job losses in the 79-81 recession
33. She opposed the inclusion of Eire in the Northern Ireland peace process
34. She supported sanctions-busting arms deals with South Africa
35. Cecil Parkinson, Alan Clark, David Mellor, Jeffrey Archer, Jonathan Aitkin
36. Crime rates doubled under Thatcher
37. Black Wednesday – Britain withdraws from the ERM and the pound is devalued. Cost to Britain - £3.5 billion; profit for George Soros - £1 billion
38. Poverty doubled while she opposed a minimum wage
39. She privatised public services, claiming at the time it would increase public ownership. Most are now owned either by foreign governments (EDF) or major investment houses. The profits don’t now accrue to the taxpayer, but to foreign or institutional shareholders.
40. She cut 75% of funding to museums, galleries and other sources of education
41. In the Thatcher years the top 10% of earners received almost 50% of the tax remissions
42. 21.9% inflation.
So no. I don't think either of us will weep for Thatcher. We will fight to end Thatcherism together. Till our dying breaths.
You can either join us or wail.
You choose
To those that know me, you know I am not heartless or unsympathetic by nature, but you also know, I will tell it as I see it, and as I see status's having a go at people who are not saying lovely things about Thatcher, then I am going to join in and make my position known.
To those who tell me I shouldn't speak out against Thatcher because she is dead, I say this... I am no hypocrite, I loathed her while alive, so why would you expect me to now think otherwise?
To those who tell me it's a matter of respect for her family. I say this... Where were you with your talk of respect for family when she destroyed the lives and families of so, so many people, it's is these families I think of now, these families that my heart goes out to.
For those of you who tell me she's dead now, it's over, move on. I say this... The people cannot and will not forget the pain and suffering she rejoiced in causing.
The truth is dead or alive her legacy lives on, division and inequality... Where is our industry? She was homophobic, she privatised everything she could (subsequent governments have followed because she made it possible). She destroyed trade unions because they gave voice to the people she wanted to destroy, the working class.
And so, I have no objection to you updating your statuses mourning her death, but I am still mourning her life.
We must learn from history, to do that we cannot, must not forget.
Freedom of speech, this is how I feel, if you feel otherwise that's your right.
I have seen some fantastic debates take place on social media today, and for the most part I have observed that those speaking out against Thatcher have a lot of facts to back up their opinions, those speaking in favour are mainly just arguing the point that she has a family, so we should be nice, and she was a woman PM.
WhoopeeDooo... She had a fanny... She was still a nasty piece of work!
***
Just in case you forgot:
Thatchers record....
1. She supported the retention of capital punishment
2. She destroyed the country's manufacturing industry
3. She voted against the relaxation of divorce laws
4. She abolished free milk for schoolchildren ("Margaret Thatcher, Milk Snatcher")
5. She supported more freedom for business (and look how that turned out)
6. She gained support from the National Front in the 1979 election by pandering to the fears of immigration
7. She gerrymandered local authorities by forcing through council house sales, at the same time preventing councils from spending the money they got for selling houses on building new houses (spending on social housing dropped by 67% in her premiership)
8. She was responsible for 3.6 million unemployed - the highest figure and the highest proportion of the workforce in history and three times the previous government. Massaging of the figures means that the figure was closer to 5 million
9. She ignored intelligence about Argentinian preparations for the invasion of the Falkland Islands and scrapped the only Royal Navy presence in the islands
10. The poll tax
11. She presided over the closure of 150 coal mines; we are now crippled by the cost of energy, having to import expensive coal from abroad
12. She compared her "fight" against the miners to the Falklands War
13. She privatised state monopolies and created the corporate greed culture that we've been railing against for the last 5 years
14. She introduced the gradual privatisation of the NHS
15. She introduced financial deregulation in a way that turned city institutions into avaricious money pits
16. She pioneered the unfailing adoration and unquestioning support of the USA
17. She allowed the US to place nuclear missiles on UK soil, under US control
18. Section 28
19. She opposed anti-apartheid sanctions against South Africa and described Nelson Mandela as "that grubby little terrorist"
20. She support the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia and sent the SAS to train their soldiers
21. She allowed the US to bomb Libya in 1986, against the wishes of more than 2/3 of the population
22. She opposed the reunification of Germany
23. She invented Quangos 24. She increased VAT from 8% to 17.5%
25. She had the lowest approval rating of any post-war Prime Minister
26. Her post-PM job? Consultant to Philip Morris tobacco at $250,000 a year, plus $50,000 per speech
27. The Al Yamamah contract
28. She opposed the indictment of Chile's General Pinochet
29. Social unrest under her leadership was higher than at any time since the General Strike
30. She presided over interest rates increasing to 15%
31. BSE
32. She presided over 2 million manufacturing job losses in the 79-81 recession
33. She opposed the inclusion of Eire in the Northern Ireland peace process
34. She supported sanctions-busting arms deals with South Africa
35. Cecil Parkinson, Alan Clark, David Mellor, Jeffrey Archer, Jonathan Aitkin
36. Crime rates doubled under Thatcher
37. Black Wednesday – Britain withdraws from the ERM and the pound is devalued. Cost to Britain - £3.5 billion; profit for George Soros - £1 billion
38. Poverty doubled while she opposed a minimum wage
39. She privatised public services, claiming at the time it would increase public ownership. Most are now owned either by foreign governments (EDF) or major investment houses. The profits don’t now accrue to the taxpayer, but to foreign or institutional shareholders.
40. She cut 75% of funding to museums, galleries and other sources of education
41. In the Thatcher years the top 10% of earners received almost 50% of the tax remissions
42. 21.9% inflation.
So no. I don't think either of us will weep for Thatcher. We will fight to end Thatcherism together. Till our dying breaths.
You can either join us or wail.
You choose
Saturday, 23 March 2013
On Coming Out - Three Little Words
Finally did it. Finally joined PCS Proud. Been meaning to do it for a while but I wasn't ready.
I needed to be sure of myself, I needed to be sure of my family, I needed to be sure that I was doing it for the right reasons.
And I wasn't fully out yet.
That this was the case might surprise some of you who are used to me being REALLY open about most aspects of my life. I've talked on here about rape, violence, low self esteem, my eating disorder, my mental health, damn, there wasn't much left to talk about except my sexuality!
So why didn't I?
Because it was a secret. And had been kept secret for a very long time. Those who knew me very well knew of course but my bisexuality had been held back by a series of three little words...
CAN I WATCH?
No, as it happens you fucking can't. You don't want to watch me have sex with men I suppose? Didn't think so. You fetishise my sexuality and expect me to be there for your gratification. Fuck you. Actually, I'd rather not. (See also, Man, that's hot)
YOU'RE JUST GREEDY
No, as it happens, I'm not. I just happen to be attracted to both sexes.
YOU'RE JUST CONFUSED
No, as it happens, I'm not. There is nothing confused about my being sexually attracted to both women and men. I was only ever confused when I was trying to deny my sexuality to myself. Pointless exercise, but hey there was a reason. And that was...
DON'T TELL ANYONE
The Big Ex this was. He knew when we met, but was embarrassed about it. If I told anyone he would jump on his grumpy trike and take a couple of laps around the block. Then he would sulk. For weeks sometimes, so even though my nearest and dearest knew, it wasn't something that got mentioned in 'polite company'. Fucking asshole.
So, what made me finally come out?
Three more little words.
I LOVE YOU
Finally I have that without question. It isn't a way of controlling me, not supressing me, it just is. And about bloody time too.
I ACCEPT YOU
Oh by the seven this has been heady stuff! To be accepted for exactly who I am? Wow! I know I shouldn't rely on others' acceptance to accept myself but hey, goddesses are human too and it has helped.
I TRUST YOU
Finally!!!!! Someone who understands that just because I am attracted to women and men that this does not mean that I am going to cheat on them. It isn't an addiction. It isn't something I can't control. I am not constantly on the prowl. It's just a thing about me.
And finally. The other three words that meant I could come out.
YEAH, ME TOO...
There are a lot of us about. And we are just people. And some of us are in long term relationships with men. And some of us are single. And some of us are just bumbling along.
Tell you what we're not though.
Confused. Greedy. Indecisive.
Just bisexual.
I needed to be sure of myself, I needed to be sure of my family, I needed to be sure that I was doing it for the right reasons.
And I wasn't fully out yet.
That this was the case might surprise some of you who are used to me being REALLY open about most aspects of my life. I've talked on here about rape, violence, low self esteem, my eating disorder, my mental health, damn, there wasn't much left to talk about except my sexuality!
So why didn't I?
Because it was a secret. And had been kept secret for a very long time. Those who knew me very well knew of course but my bisexuality had been held back by a series of three little words...
CAN I WATCH?
No, as it happens you fucking can't. You don't want to watch me have sex with men I suppose? Didn't think so. You fetishise my sexuality and expect me to be there for your gratification. Fuck you. Actually, I'd rather not. (See also, Man, that's hot)
YOU'RE JUST GREEDY
No, as it happens, I'm not. I just happen to be attracted to both sexes.
YOU'RE JUST CONFUSED
No, as it happens, I'm not. There is nothing confused about my being sexually attracted to both women and men. I was only ever confused when I was trying to deny my sexuality to myself. Pointless exercise, but hey there was a reason. And that was...
DON'T TELL ANYONE
The Big Ex this was. He knew when we met, but was embarrassed about it. If I told anyone he would jump on his grumpy trike and take a couple of laps around the block. Then he would sulk. For weeks sometimes, so even though my nearest and dearest knew, it wasn't something that got mentioned in 'polite company'. Fucking asshole.
So, what made me finally come out?
Three more little words.
I LOVE YOU
Finally I have that without question. It isn't a way of controlling me, not supressing me, it just is. And about bloody time too.
I ACCEPT YOU
Oh by the seven this has been heady stuff! To be accepted for exactly who I am? Wow! I know I shouldn't rely on others' acceptance to accept myself but hey, goddesses are human too and it has helped.
I TRUST YOU
Finally!!!!! Someone who understands that just because I am attracted to women and men that this does not mean that I am going to cheat on them. It isn't an addiction. It isn't something I can't control. I am not constantly on the prowl. It's just a thing about me.
And finally. The other three words that meant I could come out.
YEAH, ME TOO...
There are a lot of us about. And we are just people. And some of us are in long term relationships with men. And some of us are single. And some of us are just bumbling along.
Tell you what we're not though.
Confused. Greedy. Indecisive.
Just bisexual.
Sunday, 17 March 2013
Only Yes Means Yes
There were actual tears of joy in my house over the Steubenville verdict.
My heart went out to the Jane Doe who was raped, sexually assaulted and dragged naked from party to party while people posted pictures of her, calling her 'dead girl'.
My heart sang out when I realised that DESPITE ALL MY EXPECTATIONS that this time, justice had been done.
And I beamed all over my crying face when I realised that we had finally moved on from 'no means no'.
No Means No has stood us in good stead over the years. Like an old friend it has stood up for us, comforted us and respected our boundaries. It made others respect them too, but it didn't go far enough. It didn't cover what happens when we are, like Jane Doe of Steubenville we are unable to consent. It doesn't embrace the concept of enthusiastic consent.
And that's why I am overjoyed that we have finally moved to a place where only yes means yes.
Only yes means yes takes the onus off the victim. It means that the onus is on the instigator to be ABSOFREAKINGLUTELY FUCKING CERTAIN that the other person wants sex.
Only yes means yes means that there can be no doubt as to whether or not they want sex with you and rape will fall like a stone right? Right?
Well, you would hope so, but there are health warnings.
Firstly, anyone who thinks yes always means enthusiastic consent doesn't understand the nature of coercion and abuse. Giving in to avoid a punch or the sulks isn't enthusiastic consent.
Secondly, amazing as the Steubenville verdict was, we have a long way to go before Only Yes Means Yes enters the psyche of humanity as a whole.
Thirdly, even if that happens there will still be rape. Because rape isn't about being horny or mixed signals, it is about power and control. Neither No Means No or Only Yes Means Yes will change that.
So what does this all actually mean?
It means that we have moved on and that we have a new springboard to teach others what actually constitutes rape. It means that things are clearer. It means that we have something else to reach our sons with.
If they are not enthusiastically saying yes, they are effectively saying no.
And no still means no.
Sunday, 3 March 2013
On Sex As Affection And Validation In Abusive Relationships
TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR ABUSE AND RAPE
Had this post running round my head for the last couple of hours and for once I wasn't sure whether or not to write it.
It's gonna be a whole heap of personal.
So I did what any rational, sane internet addict would do and asked Twitter if I should. They said yes, and who am I to go against the will of the Twitterverse?
So here it is. My thoughts, for what they are worth, on sex and abuse.
I have never been shy about talking about the abuse I have survived. I talked about the violence, and the rape, and the emotional as well as physical scars I have. But I survived. I survived able to have a healthy relationship with my friends, my family and especially The Lovely. That I am able to do this is a real victory for me.
So, what does this have to do with sex?
I like sex. I love it and have quite a high sex drive. I enjoy a wonderful sex life and I'm proud that I can after all the abuse I have been through. I have no body issues any more and spend 99% of my time feeling like a sassy, sexy goddess. I'm a regular fucking horndog. Yay me!
It occurred to me today though that my attitude to sex hasn't always been quite so healthy.
When I was in abusive relationships I was being put down. I was fat, ugly, stupid, pathetic.
And I wanted sex. I wasn't horny, I just needed that validation that I was worthwhile. If he was having sex with me it meant that I wasn't as bad as he was saying. There had to be something good about me or he wouldn't want to have sex with me right?
I was being beaten. At one point, one of the abusers thought it would be funny to punch me as hard as he could between my legs. So hard that my pelvic bone was bruised enough that I couldn't wear underwear for three weeks.
And he still wanted sex with me. I get now it was to cause as much pain to me as possible, but in my fucked up way I felt GRATEFUL that he would want to have sex with me, someone who obviously wasn't enjoying it because of the pain. So I cried silently and tried to pretend I liked it.
And I was raped. Continually. But sometimes, (not every time, most of the time I don't even remember what I was feeling, and definitely not during) afterwards, when I was cleaning up blood and putting ice packs on the various parts of my body that were in agony, even that in some proper fucked up way felt like validation.
He had me that dependent on him that he had me convinced that he wouldn't do it if he didn't love me so much.
And that made me feel better somehow. Like I wasn't worthless and useless and fat and ugly. I could cry for how fucked up I was. For how every family relationship where I internalised being unfeminine and unbeautiful and stupid and just plain worthless had led to this point.
And you know what? I needed comfort after his attacks. Anyone would need comfort after being attacked. He had me so isolated from anyone who would or could help me or comfort me, that it had to be him I turned to for that comfort. And there were never any cuddles. So that meant sex.
Like I say, I'm much better these days. Sex is a healthy, enjoyable thing for me. I have no inhibitions and it is ALWAYS on my terms.
But sometimes, just sometimes, after a row or if I'm feeling hormonal or something I find myself wanting sex without the accompanying horn. For affection. For validation. Because there is still a part of me who internalised not being good enough and that will never completely leave.
So always be good to your children and never put them down. They internalise and normalise that shit and it makes them easier prey for abusers.
And when you see someone in an abusive relationship who isn't leaving and seems to still be having a sex life, try not to judge. Try to give some empathy and let them know they can talk to you.
It might save their life.
It certainly saved mine.
Had this post running round my head for the last couple of hours and for once I wasn't sure whether or not to write it.
It's gonna be a whole heap of personal.
So I did what any rational, sane internet addict would do and asked Twitter if I should. They said yes, and who am I to go against the will of the Twitterverse?
So here it is. My thoughts, for what they are worth, on sex and abuse.
I have never been shy about talking about the abuse I have survived. I talked about the violence, and the rape, and the emotional as well as physical scars I have. But I survived. I survived able to have a healthy relationship with my friends, my family and especially The Lovely. That I am able to do this is a real victory for me.
So, what does this have to do with sex?
I like sex. I love it and have quite a high sex drive. I enjoy a wonderful sex life and I'm proud that I can after all the abuse I have been through. I have no body issues any more and spend 99% of my time feeling like a sassy, sexy goddess. I'm a regular fucking horndog. Yay me!
It occurred to me today though that my attitude to sex hasn't always been quite so healthy.
When I was in abusive relationships I was being put down. I was fat, ugly, stupid, pathetic.
And I wanted sex. I wasn't horny, I just needed that validation that I was worthwhile. If he was having sex with me it meant that I wasn't as bad as he was saying. There had to be something good about me or he wouldn't want to have sex with me right?
I was being beaten. At one point, one of the abusers thought it would be funny to punch me as hard as he could between my legs. So hard that my pelvic bone was bruised enough that I couldn't wear underwear for three weeks.
And he still wanted sex with me. I get now it was to cause as much pain to me as possible, but in my fucked up way I felt GRATEFUL that he would want to have sex with me, someone who obviously wasn't enjoying it because of the pain. So I cried silently and tried to pretend I liked it.
And I was raped. Continually. But sometimes, (not every time, most of the time I don't even remember what I was feeling, and definitely not during) afterwards, when I was cleaning up blood and putting ice packs on the various parts of my body that were in agony, even that in some proper fucked up way felt like validation.
He had me that dependent on him that he had me convinced that he wouldn't do it if he didn't love me so much.
And that made me feel better somehow. Like I wasn't worthless and useless and fat and ugly. I could cry for how fucked up I was. For how every family relationship where I internalised being unfeminine and unbeautiful and stupid and just plain worthless had led to this point.
And you know what? I needed comfort after his attacks. Anyone would need comfort after being attacked. He had me so isolated from anyone who would or could help me or comfort me, that it had to be him I turned to for that comfort. And there were never any cuddles. So that meant sex.
Like I say, I'm much better these days. Sex is a healthy, enjoyable thing for me. I have no inhibitions and it is ALWAYS on my terms.
But sometimes, just sometimes, after a row or if I'm feeling hormonal or something I find myself wanting sex without the accompanying horn. For affection. For validation. Because there is still a part of me who internalised not being good enough and that will never completely leave.
So always be good to your children and never put them down. They internalise and normalise that shit and it makes them easier prey for abusers.
And when you see someone in an abusive relationship who isn't leaving and seems to still be having a sex life, try not to judge. Try to give some empathy and let them know they can talk to you.
It might save their life.
It certainly saved mine.
Sunday, 24 February 2013
Dear #radfem2013 Intersectionality Is Essential
Dear #Radfem2013
I have been watching your hashtag with interest over the past few days as I know you've been having a conference. Let me say I like a lot of what you say and in my dark hours, I have actually thought I might want to join you.
But I can't. And that isn't my fault, it's yours. And it makes me really sad. Not for me, I'm more than happy in my feminism thanks, but for you who must know, deep down, that you will never achieve what you want because, believe it or not, you are not about equality for women.
I hope you were sat down for that. I can almost hear your bristling and outrage. And I'm ready for whatever backlash you want to throw at me. But I'm not actually expecting any to be honest because as an intersectional feminist, I am beneath your intellectual notice. Though you are not above pouring scorn and hatred on my ilk.
You exclude me, and feminism shouldn't, fuck it, DOESN'T work like that.
So, here is why I don't want to be part of your faux revolution.
I am a woman who understands that every woman, regardless of gender assignment at birth is my sister. No, she wasn't 'born a man', she was born a woman. And no, escaping misogyny for most of her life (are you fucking shitting me here? It is patriarchy that means so many trans* women commit suicide) does not mean that she is a threat to women only spaces because she brings a male perspective. We don't punish women for being women. I say 'we', I mean us intersectional feminists. You still see them as 'chicks with dicks' and you should be ashamed.
I have a boyfriend. He is a man. He is also the best feminist ally you could hope for. He listens to us without trying to fix us. He doesn't try to tell us what we need. He never judges. He will debate our issues with us to understand them so he can help in a way that we want him to, not in a way that makes it look like he knows best because he is a man. He will challenge misogyny and not accept it in his presence. He will educate other men. He will not mansplain. He believes that women deserve equality as a default, NOT because men would bestow it upon us as a gift. He is an ally, and there are many more like him.
Yet you would write him off as TEH MENZ and call him TEH PROBLEMZ.
You really don't like gay men do you? You think that they hate women and are all about the misogyny themselves. You miss the point that their struggle is equal to our struggle and that we might have something to learn from each other. And that they are actually, in the main, our allies too. You see they understand about being oppressed. It wasn't that long ago that being themselves actually meant prison. And dammit, they know how to campaign and organise. Talk to them, you might surprise yourselves.
You talk about gynecology being born from vivisection of slaves. But that seems to be as far as you would go to talk about Women of Colour. I don't deny this, but that same gynecology saves millions of women's lives. So what is your point? Ah yes, that TEH MENZ WAZ EVILZ. *yawn*. Talk about the rape of women of colour, but what campaigns do you actually support to help?
Getting more and more angry here and that wasn't my intention, so will give you the last reason I want nothing to do with your ridiculous, bigoted, hateful organisation.
I am the mother of two boys. They are good men who understand our issues and will fight to make sure that we get the equality due to us. I cannot reconcile your hatred and mistrust of men with the ones I have raised. And here is the crux of the matter, when they are arguing on our behalf with other men who don't get feminism and do need educating it is you that gets thrown at them as an example of why feminism is a BAD thing.
It is you that gets thrown at them as an example of feminism being full of man hating psychos who hate everyone to be honest. It isn't us who spend our time educating, protesting outside abortion clinics when the disgusting 40 Days Of Life are harassing women. It isn't us who are trying our hardest to affect change in the Left because we understand that holding ourselves separate from them isn't going to achieve anything. No, it isn't us who understand that without intersectionality our fight means NOTHING.
It is you who is doing the feminist movement damage.
And that is why I can't join you, no matter how much I would want to.
Grow up a bit and we'll talk. Hope that can be soon.
Your sister,
Goddessdeeva.
I have been watching your hashtag with interest over the past few days as I know you've been having a conference. Let me say I like a lot of what you say and in my dark hours, I have actually thought I might want to join you.
But I can't. And that isn't my fault, it's yours. And it makes me really sad. Not for me, I'm more than happy in my feminism thanks, but for you who must know, deep down, that you will never achieve what you want because, believe it or not, you are not about equality for women.
I hope you were sat down for that. I can almost hear your bristling and outrage. And I'm ready for whatever backlash you want to throw at me. But I'm not actually expecting any to be honest because as an intersectional feminist, I am beneath your intellectual notice. Though you are not above pouring scorn and hatred on my ilk.
You exclude me, and feminism shouldn't, fuck it, DOESN'T work like that.
So, here is why I don't want to be part of your faux revolution.
I am a woman who understands that every woman, regardless of gender assignment at birth is my sister. No, she wasn't 'born a man', she was born a woman. And no, escaping misogyny for most of her life (are you fucking shitting me here? It is patriarchy that means so many trans* women commit suicide) does not mean that she is a threat to women only spaces because she brings a male perspective. We don't punish women for being women. I say 'we', I mean us intersectional feminists. You still see them as 'chicks with dicks' and you should be ashamed.
I have a boyfriend. He is a man. He is also the best feminist ally you could hope for. He listens to us without trying to fix us. He doesn't try to tell us what we need. He never judges. He will debate our issues with us to understand them so he can help in a way that we want him to, not in a way that makes it look like he knows best because he is a man. He will challenge misogyny and not accept it in his presence. He will educate other men. He will not mansplain. He believes that women deserve equality as a default, NOT because men would bestow it upon us as a gift. He is an ally, and there are many more like him.
Yet you would write him off as TEH MENZ and call him TEH PROBLEMZ.
You really don't like gay men do you? You think that they hate women and are all about the misogyny themselves. You miss the point that their struggle is equal to our struggle and that we might have something to learn from each other. And that they are actually, in the main, our allies too. You see they understand about being oppressed. It wasn't that long ago that being themselves actually meant prison. And dammit, they know how to campaign and organise. Talk to them, you might surprise yourselves.
You talk about gynecology being born from vivisection of slaves. But that seems to be as far as you would go to talk about Women of Colour. I don't deny this, but that same gynecology saves millions of women's lives. So what is your point? Ah yes, that TEH MENZ WAZ EVILZ. *yawn*. Talk about the rape of women of colour, but what campaigns do you actually support to help?
Getting more and more angry here and that wasn't my intention, so will give you the last reason I want nothing to do with your ridiculous, bigoted, hateful organisation.
I am the mother of two boys. They are good men who understand our issues and will fight to make sure that we get the equality due to us. I cannot reconcile your hatred and mistrust of men with the ones I have raised. And here is the crux of the matter, when they are arguing on our behalf with other men who don't get feminism and do need educating it is you that gets thrown at them as an example of why feminism is a BAD thing.
It is you that gets thrown at them as an example of feminism being full of man hating psychos who hate everyone to be honest. It isn't us who spend our time educating, protesting outside abortion clinics when the disgusting 40 Days Of Life are harassing women. It isn't us who are trying our hardest to affect change in the Left because we understand that holding ourselves separate from them isn't going to achieve anything. No, it isn't us who understand that without intersectionality our fight means NOTHING.
It is you who is doing the feminist movement damage.
And that is why I can't join you, no matter how much I would want to.
Grow up a bit and we'll talk. Hope that can be soon.
Your sister,
Goddessdeeva.
Sunday, 17 February 2013
Happy Pills. On Depression And Medication
Read a really good article in the Independent about the language around anti depressant medication. It was ever so good and it got me thinking about attitudes about actually taking them.
I've been on them for about two years now. I've talked in previous blogs about how I've had counselling, but not about my meds.
So maybe it's time.
Like I say, I've been on Prozac for two years now. It's something I'm used to and something that doesn't embarrass me now. It did though. It seemed like I'd failed somehow. That by not coping I was admitting that I was lesser.
Took me a long while to start taking them for a few reasons.
I was worried about turning into an emotionless drone. Which was ironic as I was feeling nothing but sad, bone crushingly sad, all the time. I could have done with switching that off if I'm honest.
I was also worried about being artificially happy. Joy is a thing I cherish. I embrace it, revel in it. Bathe in the glow of it and savour the memory if it as I go to sleep.
I didn't want that to be fake. It was too important to risk it like that.
The thing was, I was finding no joy in anything. Everything was dark and heavy and pointless and stupid. I was dark and heavy and pointless and stupid.
So I went on the 'happy pills'.
What a misnomer. They didn't make me happy. PEOPLE made me happy. They just gave me the mental headspace to allow that to happen. I didn't actually realise how well they were working until I found myself laughing spontaneously. What a moment that was!
I wasn't an emotionless drone. I was still feeling them, but when it was APPROPRIATE for me to do so. What a revelation!! When I was happy I felt happy. When I was sad I felt sad.
Might seem a small thing but to me it was everything. I understood that my medication was keeping me level so that I could function, and more than that, live and feel.
Yet still I fell into the trap.
The trap of thinking I had to come off the meds as soon as possible. I tried it in the summer. I had just moved in with The Lovely, I was ridiculously happy in my new city with my new man and I loved my new office and my new team. Life was positive.
So I stopped taking the Prozac.
I ended up so poorly that I thought a city hated me. I wasn't coping with the aspects of my work that weren't as positive as they could be. I cried A LOT. The Lovely got very good at walking on eggshells. I found myself unable to get out of bed on sunny days so I went back to the doctor and went back on the meds.
I'm more open about my need for antidepressants these days. It's not the first thing I say, but I'm not shy about it.
I get asked 'aren't they just a crutch?'. Here's the thing. Would you take a crutch away frI'm someone with a broken leg? Didn't think so.
And no, it isn't a crutch, it's a treatment. Would you take medication away from diabetics? No. I didn't think so.
Neither am I mentally deficient. That was a nice one.
And I don't know how long I'll be on them. As long as it takes I suppose, even if that is forever.
So what is the point of this post? For me it is a catharsis to write about this stuff. And I hope that it helps even one person understand what depression and taking meds is like for me.
It won't be the same for everyone though. Know how you'll find out how it is for them? Ask them. We're one in four so we aren't hard to find.
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