Ave Maria - December 2014 Round Up

Listening to the Stevie Wonder version of Ave Maria in bed and have decided that it is time.

Regular readers will know I always do a december post on here. I usually do it much earlier in the month than this but I was struggling to find a unifying theme. I have it now so here we go.

Been a hell of a year 2014. I started it hopeful that I would get out of my depression, that things would magically get better at work and that  wouldn't feel the soul crushing dragging feeling of anxiety and loss.

In February my beloved Uncle Brian died unexpectedly. Because of the appalling way bio mum was treated I ended up falling out with 2 of my cousins at a time when we should have been leaning on each other.  Amazing how they didn't really want to know him the whole time I was caring for him but as soon as they thought there was some money they were suddenly the doting bereaved children. I will never forgive them for not letting me go to his flat one last time so I could say goodbye to the man who called me the daughter he should have had, nor will I forgive them for treating his sister so callously at her time of deep loss.

I miss you every day Uncle Brian. I miss your laugh and your silly sayings and your support and passion. But you know what? When you died I had no doubt about how you felt about me and I know you knew how much I loved you and that is a gift. Also, I am back speaking to Mum. We're taking it slowly but we are getting there. And I am even closer to Ian and Kelly now. I think you would be proud of me. I love you.

In March I accepted voluntary redundancy. My health was suffering due to bullying by management and by certain members of PCS. I had truly had enough. I had low energy, I was anxious and tired all the time, I couldn't stop crying and could barely leave the flat.

It was a massive decision to make but by then the bullying in PCS had got so bad that I was actively looking forward to leaving. It saps your energy when you are being bullied. So much so that you get paranoid about where the next attack is coming from. You stop trusting people. You feel really isolated. All because I refused to be anyone's puppet and tried to make things better for my members.

In May I attended my last PCS conference. I was on the Group SOC and we were told more than once that it was the best conference for years. We worked hard to give the branches the conference they wanted and we withstood the battering and bullying from certain factions of the GEC and stuck to our guns because dammit, it was IMPORTANT to us to make sure that PCS was actually member led. My health was still quite bad but at NDC I argued and won for a policy supporting sex workers, argued and won a policy supporting abortion rights in Northern Ireland and argued and won reaffirmation of affiliation to Abortion Rights.

Then I went off sick.

And that was when it started to get better. I took my wife and daughter person to Glastonbury. I had a couple of wobbles while I was there but I got to see Dolly Parton mutha truckas! Watching the daughter person start to come out of themselves was amazing and so was seeing Skrillex, Massive Attack and my new faves Dub Pistols. I missed Metallica as I was sobbing in my tent having a panic attack but you can't win them all.

Tolpuddle Martyrs Festival was awesome. I got Owen Jones drunk, had a picture of me, him, MJ and a polar bear nicked by the dick splash Guido Fawkes and got to have a walkie talkie. Also did the martyrs walk for the first time. I love Tolpuddle, it is really hard work but it recharges the old trade union batteries like nothing else does. And I bumped into the main bully from my branch who tried to talk to me.

I told him to fuck off.

Which was nice.

I also left my job of 11 years.

I thought there would be a magical ending of the depression when I finally left. Took me months to recover properly.

Going to Reading where I finally saw the World's Sexiest Ginger (Josh Homme) helped somewhat.

September I started my new job. I love it. I am doing trade union organising full time now and I am doing it with full support of a manager and colleagues. Amazing what I can get done when I am not being bullied!

What else have I been up to?  I went zombie walking, reclaiming the night, to a feminist comedy night and to the Dum Tee Dum Awards where I won caller of the year! People like to take the piss out of me for my love of The Archers but sod them, I love it and when (if) I grow up I want to be Lillian. I am already there with the love of gin and ciggies and a dirty cackle, but I do manage to do my own knitting.

December is now. And how am I coping? Much better. I am still not completely right. I still have my wobbles and I have a hole in my heart where my two sons should be (long story, another time perhaps) but for once I am really really enjoying it. I am far more comfortable in my own skin and far more confident in my abilities. And I got a fuck tonne of really great tattoos.

So what is the unifying theme?

Love and family.

There have been some truly dreadful happenings this year. Reeva Steenkamp not really getting anything that felt like justice. Boko Haram stealing women with seeming impunity. Palestinian children being murdered by Israel. Dude bros going on killing sprees because they didn't get their dicks wet.

We have more people using food banks than ever before. We have disabled people dying and the Tories not giving a shit. Peshawar.

So much darkness in the world. It threatens to drown me and then...

I have The Lovely. I have The Wife Lady. I have the daughter person. I have my cousin and his fiancee. I have me Mam. I have The Bear. I have Ada and the Mahanga.The Clangers, Lovely Tina, Comrade, Torty, Abbi. I have friends and colleagues who care about me. I have love. I have support.

As previously mentioned I have a fuck tonne of really cool tattoos!

This year has been getting better and better. I may not ever be out of the depression woods but I am learning to live with it because I have people who love me not in spite of it but because of it.

Do I miss my old job? No. I am sad that the public have nowhere to get face to face advice on tax but I don't miss being a civil servant. Those people deserve any payrise they get as they are trampled on, undervalued and discarded without a thought by an uncaring government who wants to try to convince you that they are the ones that should pay for the economy being in the shit.

Do I miss PCS? No. It is imploding and is not the union I joined all those years ago. I implore those who are left to fight hard to keep it going and to stop the fucking infighting and hubris that means it is on the brink of destruction.

You are better than this. You can be better than this.

Stop it now.

Do I hate my depression? No.

It's a part of me. I have learned to accept that.

I love you all. I am not even exaggerating when I say I could not do any of this without you. You are my strength, my heart, my passion and my all.

Thank you for my life.

Have a great rest of december and may 2015 be better for all of us.

Deeva xxx

On Why PCS MUST Not Be Neutral On The Right To Choose

It's back. It is bloody back. The motion that made my blood boil enough for me to write about it here in 2011 is back.

This time it is A78 but it is nearly identical in text and again wants PCS to disaffiliate from Abortion Rights and go to a position of neutrality on the subject of a woman's right to choose.

Oh hell no.

Not on my watch!

I wrote before about why I was against this. Briefly:

• I am not very good at being patronised. This motion pats me on the head and says 'don't worry dear, we're not going to pressure you to be anti abortion just to have no opinion on it at all'. NOPE.

• Disaffiliation to Abortion Rights would deny Equality, Choice and support to those who need help. 

• Any call for a return to neutrality is an invidious thing that may well be the thin end of a slippery slope. Want to discuss a domestic abuse policy? Sorry, bit to close to interfering with deeply held beliefs on women being chattel. Want to debate paternity leave for familial adopters? Equal marriage? Sorry, would love to but there are a few people who have deeply held beliefs about it. So we can't.

• Despite of all the hard work being done by PCS to have a union beauracracy that it more representative of its membership, most of the delegations will be men.I WILL not let a group of men decide for me whether or not my Trade Union will have a neutral stance on what is essentially a women's issue.

I REFUSE to let men decide on what is a women's issue.

I REFUSE to be fobbed off with a position of neutrality.

You know what neutrality means in practice?

Neutrality means that when someone asks me what my union thinks about a fundamental freedom I would have to say "nothing". It's a cop out designed to silence all of us engaging on a crucial topic and worse  taking us back 50 years where women who have abortions are silenced so bringing about a sense of shame which is wholly unwarranted. (not being sarcastic here).*

Neutrality means I cannot go and spend my saturday shouting at anti choicers in the name of my union.

Neutrality means abandoning women. It is not conducive to any trade union I want to say I belong to.

Neutrality means abandoning women. Worth saying that twice I think.

Neutrality means that the motion A92 calling for equal abortion rights in Northern Ireland will fall.

Neutrality means abandoning women. I don't think we can say that enough.



*Credit to M. Bosman for that paragraph. Sometimes someone just sums it up better than you could.

PCS GEC Election Special - On Who I Am Voting For And Why

It's silly season again. By which I mean that PCS is having it's annual love fest they call elections.

Do not get me wrong, I am a great believer in democracy. I am passionate about it. I vote in everything I am eligible to vote in. I have done since I was old enough to vote.

However, this doesn't mean that I don't recognise the game playing at this time for what it is.

I used to be amused by it. These days I am dismayed by it. And yes, I recognise that by blogging I am part of that but sometimes you know, you just have to speak out.

Before I get going, I should point out that I am not a member of any faction, despite the rumours, nor am I standing for election this year as I am on my way out on a voluntary exit.

It is no secret that I have had a falling out with some of the Group Executive. Believe me when I say that this is not an act of revenge, but an act of honesty about what I think of the candidates.

This is not anything to do with any other group either just my own. I don't know enough about the other groups and wouldn't want to be dishonest.

So, who did I vote for?

President: 

Jake Wilde.

Hang on to your hats people, there is a very VERY good reason for this.

When I was negotiating the domestic abuse policy the team asked for five minutes to get it through the GEC. It was a no brainer and we had been working on it for a very long time. The VP at the time fillibustered so that we had no time to debate it. Not even the five minutes it would take. This, after being told in caucus that it was just an unimportant HR paper.

Jake saved the day on it. He came up with a solution that meant that PCS had endorsed the policy before the department published it.

For that, and for not dismissing women's concerns over domestic abuse he gets my vote.

DGS:

Gerry Noble

Let me say that this isn't an anti Margi vote, far from it. Margi has been a great DGS and has had to put up with a lot of shit and non co operation from certain AGSs just because she broke away from their faction.

Gerry gets my vote for two reasons.

1. I have known her since we were trainee delegates together back in Hove Town Hall and I have always loved her passion and committment.

2. This blogpost. Gerry sets out what she would do differently and that is refreshing and honest. I like refreshing and honest and I think our members will too.

Treasurer:

Jeanette Brooke.

You know why? She is a fucking brilliant treasurer. She has brought down spending members money year on year since 2009 and while I am not sure the belt can be tightened any more, I want to see her try and give it a go.

Assistant Group Secretaries:

Tim Coxon.

A few years back Left Unity did something really shitty to Tim. They (we, I was part of it then) used voting strength to get him shunted off a portfolio he was doing really well on to replace him with someone else. The grounds were spurious to say the least. I am not proud of that, I have always felt a bit dirty about it and I have always regretted it.

Tim took it as well as expected but didn't actually kick off. He showed then, and continues to show more integrity than anyone else did that day. He grafts hard, has the members' interests at the forefront of his mind and I would vote for him a hundred times if allowed.

John Davidson:

There are many who think that all he is interested in is Scottish Independence. Those people are wrong. John is a good man. He is committed and hard working and even when I left he still showed loyalty and integrity. He threatened bodily damage to my ex if he came near me last year and I will always have a lot of time for him.

Hamish Drummond:

Another great activist, Hamish is not only committed to his role but I have personally seen him defend members' interests above his own. Hamish has a big heart and will always do his best. Always. He talked me into standing for the GEC all those years ago and his loyalty means will always have mine.

Mark Leopard:

Mark is passionate about everything he does and has been amazing in his equalities work. I have worked closely with him for 5 years and he never ever lets either me, the equalities committees or the members down, even to the detriment of his own health. Another grafter and one I am proud to know and to have worked with.

Helen McFarlane:

Helen is nothing if not consistent. Consistently working hard for the membership. One of the things that makes Helen worth voting for is that she will not be told how to think. She is her own woman and if she thinks something is not in the best of members' interests she will fight against it, no matter how much pressure is put on her to do otherwise.

Gerry Noble:

Same reason that I voted for her for DGS. And you know what, the GEC needs Gerry. If she doesn't get that position she should be on the GEC somewhere!

Margi Rathbone:

I have a lot of time for Margi. She works hard and hasn't deserved the bullying she has faced since leaving Left Unity. She was a good AGS and would be again.

Karen Taylor:

Outspoken and passionate about everything she does Karen has had PMR taken off her HR portfolio by subterfuge and force and look how well that campaign is going! /sarcasm ends

Karen is another one who will not be told how to think and she works bloody hard for members. Domestic abuse policy? Karen's team. All the worst excesses that disappear from policy before you see it? Karen's team. Seriously, you should see what they start out with. And all that in an atmosphere of hostility and bullying from other GEC members.

GEC

Graham Allport:

New to the GEC last year he is always available to his members and he answers emails. With an answer, not just a fob off. He again is passionate and committed and works far harder than he should. With very little support from the AGS.

Ciaran Battle:

Ciaran has come up through the young members' network and I have always been really impressed with him. He is just what the GEC needs. Too long has it been dominated by the old guard. He is honest to a fault and committed. I want to see him in a position to change things.

Tim Coxon:

See above.

Carol Gerrard:

Carol was never, ever in danger of not getting a vote from me. Whatever she was standing for I would vote for her because she is that good. She is a proper socialist. One who ALWAYS puts members' interests first. Those votes that have members so angry over conference policy being ignored? Not Carol. She has more integrity in the tip of her little finger than most have in their whole bodies and didn't vote to sell members out.

Lorna Kennedy:

Love the bones of this woman. She is a grafter who is passionate about equalities and also has her own mind. That is reason enough for me to vote for her.

Helen McFarlane:

See above.

Helen Meldrum:

Helen is a star. She is passionate about the issues that affect members and she takes no crap from anyone. She is a free thinker who has the integrity to stand up for hers and members' beliefs. Another one who is a lover of democracy. She will be an absolute asset to the GEC.

Gerry Noble:

See above.

Marianne Owens:

Marianne has taken a lot of shit over the past couple of years but you know what, I trust her. I trust her to work hard and to stand up for workers. Marianne has been a mentor to me and has always been fair and honest. Also not to blame for the PMR debacle.

Steve Ryan:

Yes he is volatile sometimes, yes he can go right over the top but he has the courage of his convictions. There is no side to Steve, you get what you see, and I have seen him raging at caucus because members have been sold out. That he is no longer part of Left Unity should tell you all you need to know about his integrity.

Karen Taylor:

See above.

Jake Wilde:

See above.

Paul Tillyer:

Great bloke, insightful and hard working. Always had a lot of time for him and always will.

Phil Dickens:

For no other reason than to piss him off.

Margo McCabe:

Margo is actually an unsung hero as far as the GEC is concerned. She doesn't go in for plaudits, nor does she shout from the rooftop about what she does but damn, that woman works HARD. Again, she has integrity and loyalty and members' best interests at heart.

Margi Rathbone:

See above.

Rebecca Girven:

Had never heard of her before but bloody hell I liked her election statement. Give it a read, you won't regret it.

Kevin McHugh:

Kev is one of the elder statesmen of the GEC and while we didn't always agree we at least had a debate. Kev was never one of the ones who tried to tell me how to think. He didn't tell me to go away, read the fucking paper again and do the right thing with my vote. So he keeps mine.

So that is my list. I am not telling you how to vote. I think that is undemocratic and to be frank, I had enough of that when I was an LU member.

What I am saying is engage. Read the election statements. Cast your vote. Because if you don't then you will get the GEC those who bothered to do it voted for.

Next instalment, who I didn't vote for and why will be coming up shortly.

*flaps wings* *swishes tail*

This goddess is just getting warmed up.