On Why I Run

I started running this week.

I signed up to run a 5k event in October too.

Those who know me in real life have been shocked, impressed and slightly suspicious as to who this body snatcher is inhabiting their friend.

I didn't do running. I wouldn't run for a bus. I wouldn't run for anything really. Not that I was lazy, though I was dreadfully unfit of course, but I just didn't do running.

Now I get up at 6am and go for a half an hour run with the aid of the Couch 2 5k programme.

Yep. You heard right. 6am. SIX. In the AM.

Those who know me in real life are again wondering if body snatchers like to get up early.

Believe me, nobody is more surprised about this than me.

But I am addicted. On rest days I am restless, waiting for the next time I get to put my trainers on and go for it.

So what caused the change?

I nearly died. I had pneumonia and nearly died. I ended up on death's door at Bristol Royal Infirmary with double pneumonia and asthma so severe I nearly died.

Do you know what that's like? To feel your life draining away because you can't get a breath? To know that unless you fight, I mean LITERALLY, fight for your life that everything you love is gone forever? Do you know how it feels to actually nearly give into the temptation to just let go? To just let yourself slip away and no longer be?

It's fucking scary.

So when I got out of hospital I stopped smoking, I started eating healthily and started walking more.

Then I got the urge to run.

I heard that exercise is good for depression. I think that if you manage to get out of bed with depression that you are already winning, but I have to say that on the days when I run I am happy. Really happy.

Knackered. But happy.

When I am out there I get strange looks sometimes. I could do with a sports bra to keep my jelly belly still to be honest as it slows me down a bit. I get honked at by van drivers, I get giggled at by dog walkers, this mad, beetroot coloured, sweating, panting woman who is trying to just run for one more minute. Just one more. Come on Deeva, you can do this. You can run for another minute...

There is also that sweet moment when the woman on your running app tells you RUN just as the bass drops on Flux Pavillion's Bass Cannon in your ears and that makes you feel invincible.

I go out really early and sometimes I worry about that. I am vulnerable to attack, to fat shaming, to the perception that if anything were to happen to me that I was asking for it (I wear VERY short shorts).

But I don't even care. I run.

And this is why I run.

At 6am the world belongs to me. I don't have to look good. I don't have to smell good. I just have to run.

I don't have to be polite to people I don't like. I don't have to be anyone at all. I just have to run.

I am not in competition with anyone. I am good enough. I am the best that I can be. I don't have to worry that anyone is judging me. I just have to run.

The wind is in my hair. I can hear my blood. I can feel the road through my feet. Water tastes like nectar. My breath is ragged then smooth. It is vital. I am alive. I am me. I am alive, alone, doing something that is just for me and nature is running with me, though me.

I am exhilarated. I am addicted to that exhilaration. I am a goddess.

I run.

What Next? - Guest Post

I am lucky enough to live with the man who wrote this.



Here is where we go next.

Going to get a lot of sniping from some about how it's impossible to change things from within the Labour Party in the coming days.

Apart from the fact that the Labour Party has shifted hugely leftwards in the past five years from under Blair and Brown to Miliband (and while it's not been as leftwards as a shift as I and many other people would have liked) the process itself has shown such pessimism to be based on a myth, there is this point: change doesn't happen without action, and if you'd rather sit on the sidelines and duck a very important fight, then that's your shout, though I hope it feels nice and breezy on that high horse of yours.

I spent about 13 years trying to build socialist alternatives to Labour, and each time, history has repeated itself; TUSC is dead in the water; Left Unity, stillborn. I tried. I tried damned hard to, and it just didn't work. All of this clamour that people are crying out for a left alternative to Labour is just hot air and deserved to be consigned to the dustbin of naff history along with the Rabbit mobile network and ice cream flavoured Monster Munch.

Roll up your sleeves and join with me to build the Labour Party we need to see. Sure, it's going to be hard, and there will be setbacks along the way, but I promise that we will motivate each other, I'll try to crack a smile and a joke or two along the way, but it will be worth it.

This is long game town now. No more shortcuts. No more trying to bypass the hard struggle. Game time now.

Also, to those who are going to moan about the Labour Party not being good enough for them:

If it's broken, then fix it.

Enough with the sideshows. Time to turn lemons into lemonade. And not the Tesco Value crap that's mostly artificial sweeteners and water; the good stuff, like you had on holiday, when you sat down by the beach, and took that first sip, and it made you go, "Damn, that's some good lemonade!"

It's not going to be easy, it's going to be a long hard road, with many traffic works and caravans in it. But we'll put on some good tunes, crack some (respectful, friendly, non-discriminatory) banter, but most of all, get somewhere.

The truth is, things like TUSC, Respect etc are very fun in the thick of it. You're moving around, there are lots of noises and people seem to be having fun. It's only when you get off when you realise that you've been on a merry-go-round all of this time. And while you're moving around on a merry-go-round, ultimately you're still in the same place you were before, just a bit dizzier maybe.

On the other hand, I have a coach. It's not full at the moment, and we need more people to get on board with it, because only when it's full can it move. (It's a nice coach, really. I got us one of those posh executive coaches that footballers use, with tables, a toilet, and decent AC - oh, and I've stocked the on-board fridge with that lemonade we made.)

So, come on the coach. The sat-nav might fuck us up a bit, but we'll figure out a map as we go, and have fun getting there.

Click here to join the coach: https://join.labour.org.uk/

OK, so now that I've pretty much alienated many of my followers on here with some harsh thoughts, this is one for everyone.

The Tories are coming. They are coming for our jobs. They are coming for our pay packets. They are coming for our social security. They are coming for our pensions, our maternity and paternity pay and leave, they are coming for all of the meagre concessions we have been able to squeeze out of them over the past few years. And they will not rest until they stand aloft the mountain of broken people, closed workplaces and P45s, gorged and bloated on their own selfish greed.

If you're not in a trade union, join.

Join right now. Stop reading this status update and join one now. Click here to find the right union for you: www.tuc.org.uk/join-union

It's OK, I'll wait.

...

Joined? Super. But here's the thing; that was the easy bit, you probably had your bank details nearby. Here's the hard - but necessary bit.

Recruit your work mates. Recruit your uni mates, drinking mates, 5 a side mates, bowling mates, your neighbours, everyone. But especially your workmates. Because that's going to be the critical bit. Unions are built in workplaces because that's where our true power really is.

Once you've done that, get involved. Become a shop steward. Go down to branch meetings. Speak up in the debates. Write and submit motions. Have your say. Go to conferences. Go to seminars. Get involved in equality groups if you can. Stand for NEC. You'll win some, you'll lose some, but the union will be stronger for doing so.

Think you're in a well paid, decent job with a nice boss? Work for an NGO or for someone like Google where you think you don't need unions? Join a union, because that's the only way you'll still have a well paid decent jobs. Unions are not for 'other people who have it harder'. They are for you too.

Are you an unemployed worker? There's a place in the union family for you too. Join Unite Community, join a union (many will accept unemployed members) and get involved in their community and campaigning work.

But most of all - don't run to the union when there is a problem. Be the union. Wear your union badge with pride, and get others to be a part of the change Britain's workplaces need to see.

Open Letter To Roifield, Cosmo and John III

Dear all,

I know you all think you are good guys and I tend to agree with you most of the time. I know you all think that you are on Helen Archer's side and most of the time you are. I know you all think you are being the voice of reason.

You aren't. What you are doing is enabling not just Rob's, but all male abuse and violence against women.

Think that is a bit strong? Not at all and here is why. Imagine that you are in a pub with some male friends, acquaintances, colleagues, it doesn't matter really who they are, just that they are men in your company,  and you don't know that one or more of them is abusive to women.

One in three women experience abuse in their lifetime so this is not outside of the realms of possibility.

You make some comments about abuse and how it is a dreadful thing but really, women are a bit oversensitive about it aren't they? It isn't actually abuse if he is just 'a bit of a jerk' or if he 'is a good father to the boy' or 'he is just looking out for her'.

You see these men who abuse women are smiling at your comments because you have just validated them. You have excused their behaviour and the women in their lives are now going to suffer for it. Because you have bought into the narrative that says that women need a bit of control or they get a 'bit wild'. Or are a 'bit delicate' and need looking after.

Is that who you want to be?

Do you want to be the man who makes an abuser feel comfortable and validated? I don't think you do. I really hope I am right about that. I am right about that right?

Here is how you get past this.

When women are telling you that you are wrong about a situation, LISTEN. Don't talk over her. Don't patronise her. Don't try to be the voice of reason. Not only do you do her a disfavour by not listening to her lived experience but you are treating her as irrational and believe me, she will have had enough of that in her life.

Have you ever been in a situation where something didn't feel quite right? Where your gut was telling you to run but you were being overruled by clever words, manipulation and an eroding of self esteem? That is what women in these relationships deal with all the time and when they try to break free the abusers get worse. And the women end up saying sorry.

Also, the dog whistle that only women can hear is not a thing. My timeline was filled with men who get it as strongly as the women where it comes to Rob and Helen. You do not get to use your gender as a get out clause.

Ditto the ledger of behaviours. Not a thing. Not in an actual healthy and grown up equal relationship.

Accept that it isn't all about you being right or wrong. Accept that you don't get a pass for validating abusers by saying that they are abusers. Where the power is already unbalanced in a relationship you are not providing balance, you are making an oppression worse. Accept that not only Helen Archer but many women are in actual danger from their abusers.

I say all of this to you all in love and sisterhood and hope that you can understand what I am saying.

Goddessdeeva out.

On Living With An Invisible Disability - Guest Post

This is from the amazing Fiona Fairless who has been my very good friend for a very long time.
She is exactly the type of person that this government hates.
Register to vote then vote them out. Please.

Over the last few weeks I've been toying with writing about living with an invisible disability. I've been finding things quite hard recently, for a number of external reasons, but it's made me think hard about my attitude.

I have a condition called Fibromyalgia. It came on suddenly following a virus, there is no cure and very little in the way of treatment. It is a neurological condition and so can affect pretty much any part of the body, causing acute pain, spasms, fatigue and a host of other symptoms on a scale ranging from irritating to life changing.

I look no different now than I did the day before I acquired the condition and this in itself causes issues.

I have had the authorities, doctors, even friends and family question my situation.

Comments about how it would get better if I lost weight. Comments about whether it's just a symptom of mental health concerns. Questions about why I should be entitled to benefits - these were from a family member. Being told how nice it must be that I don't have to work now.

I can't articulate in sensible language the impact comments like that have. I want to scream in their faces that they should try being me for a day before they comment but then I realise the futility of that.

They would need to be me, all day, every day to appreciate the life sentence I have been given.
Even worse are those who  tell me they understand.

NO YOU FUCKING DON'T. You don't understand because you are not in my situation and you are not me. You have no idea what it feels like to feel trapped in your own home because you are too exhausted to go out.

You have no idea how humiliating it is to have to ask for help to get dressed, to wash your hair. You have no idea how un-sexy you feel having to wash yet another set of clothes because you couldn't get to the bathroom in time. You have no idea how angry it makes you feel when you can't wash up because your hands hurt too much to grip the dishcloth.


Anger is something I am having to battle with a great deal at the moment. I feel so angry and not because I am disabled. I learnt to deal with that a long time ago. I am angry because of other peoples attitudes and ideas about MY disability. One day I hope I can find a calm place in life where I can be at peace with my condition, where I can feel guiltless about what my condition means and where I can be free from idiots who think they are  thinking before they speak.

Until then I just have one wish. If you have a shred of doubt, an iota of a lack of compassion or simply have no consideration of me, then leave me the fuck alone. Don't comment, don't look, just walk on by.

Member of the Feral Underclass and all round Good Egg, Fiona can usually be found either away with the fairies or singing to power ballad. She loves a good power ballad does our Fiona.

Grown Man In Consensual Sex Shocker!

Ed Miliband apparently wasn't always married. No I am not linking to the fucking Daily Fail but they this week made much fuss over the fact that Ed had OTHER GIRLFRIENDS!!

I wish I was making this shit up.

I like that Ed had girlfriends and (assuming) sex. Makes him seem human. Tbf he wasn't exactly prolific was he? Not like he was swinging the lead with every woman he saw.

But even if he was as long as it was consensual, I don't have a problem with it.

I've lost count of the amount of times I did the Strut of Slut. (refuse to call it the Walk of Shame like I had anything to be ashamed of) If sex is consensual Ed has nothing to be ashamed about.

Not like he was paying for sex and snorting coke while dressed as a nazi is it?

(I would only really have a problem with the nazi bit, being pro autonomy but you get my point)

I'm not sure Cameron has ever had sex. I always think Sam Cam lays an egg and Dave sends a butler to fertilise it.

I find this idea more tasteful than the idea of Dave on the vinegar strokes red faced and picturing Thatcher in his final throes.

So Ed had sex before he married Justine.

If that bothers you, this may well blow your mind... He may well have had sex with her before they got married! (The kids may give this away. Not for Ed and Justine egg laying and butlers).

What next Daily Fail?

ED MILIBAND SCRATCHES HIS BALLS IN THE MORNING!

EXCLUSIVE: ED MILIBAND PICKS NOSE WHEN ITCHY!

MILIBAND IN NEEDING A POO IN THE MORNING SHOCKER!!!

Seriously, if Sexy Ed is the best they can come up with they need to

a) take better trolling lessons
b) go back to journalism school
c) meet me round the back of the bike sheds for a 'quiet word'

Vote sexy. Vote Labour.

On The NUS Banning Cross Dressing Sisters

I am furious today. I am furious at this article and it is going to show in this post.

It is going to be sweary and it is going to be raw and it is going to use shocking transphobic language to make points against transphobia.

You have been warned. If you are still reading, buckle up. It is going to be a bumpy ride.

Now.

Imagine being a woman who most of the world considers 'born a man'. Or a 'chick with a dick'.

Now imagine that you have braved going out in a dress, You have taken a long time getting ready and though you are nervous, you are in an environment that is more welcoming than those times you hid at the back of the bus or took a train hours later than you could have just to miss rush hour and the inevitable stares of people who think you are a freak and are playing a barely mirth suppressed game of Guess The Gender.

This is where people come to be educated and you are starting to feel at home here. So you go out in your dress and your carefully done make up. You may pass, you may not, but for this moment you feel good and it doesn't matter.

Hold that thought. Hold that feeling of feeling as good about yourself as you get.

Got it? Good.

Now imagine a bunch of rugby players crash past you wearing lurid dresses, bad make up, worse wigs and full facial hair.

Wow are you not going to feel good about yourself. Damn, you are not going to feel safe because this is what they think you are. This is what they think you look like. They think your gender identity is a vulgar, ugly joke. They think you are a man in a dress. A chick with a dick.

And bless their stupid fucking misogynist stockings they think they are being enlightened. Not for them the fear of being called gay! They are comfortable in their sexuality (until they 'accidentally' get off with a trans woman, 'realise' then beat the shit out of her) and wearing a dress proves it.

(And in the weirdest bit of whatabouttery I have EVER seen it is rugby players that the article sticks up for. Not the women of NUS conference who are trying to include all women and non binary people. WTAF?)

Now you are hiding again. A woman that no one protects. One that is more likely to commit suicide. One that is more likely to self harm. One that doesn't want to leave the house because everyone is looking.

So, what should we do about it?

A good start is to highlight the issue and make sure that women and men are aware that their actions might hurt others to the point of causing them actual harm. To try to take steps to make sure that a man wearing a dress as a drag act is not seen as a funny thing but as art. To try to take steps to make sure that trans women are not scared. To try to take steps to make sure that University is a safe space.

And that is exactly what Women's NUS conference was doing. And rather than applaud that (either by clapping or using jazz hands, and seriously it really isn't that big a deal why they went to it, if it helped delegates feel more comfortable about being present or speaking, wave those digits!) they have been ridiculed and lambasted by their elders and 'betters' about the contents of the motions.

For fuck's sake grow up.

That they will no longer say sisters as it excludes non binary people is a good thing and goes a long way further than anyone else has done to encourage safe spaces and rather than have a go at them for it the rest of the movement, both trade union and feminists should be embarrassed about it.

'BUT THEY ARE STUDENTS, WHY ARE THEY NOT DEBATING EDUCATION STUFF?' I hear some cry.

They have shown us right up by daring to question how education is accessed. They have dared to question the status quo. They have dared to insist that all people get an equal shot at it. That EVERYONE gets to participate.

If this isn't Education 101 I don't know what is.

I keep hearing that the young people are our future. They just blew this trope out of the water and showed us that they are not waiting, that the future is now and they can't be bothered to wait for the rest of us to put it through 1000 committees before we make a decision.

They may not be able to enforce it on campus but they can sure as hell make sure that it is talked about and seen as a bad thing, It also means that they will be able to more easily challenge behaviours and language in their own and other people's meetings. PCS has policy on abortion, does this mean that they can enforce it on everyone? No. But does that mean they shouldn't have the policy? No. We know how this works. We steer the conversation by having these policies and you know this.

Good fucking on them I say. They give me hope. They are actually walking the walk.

And I will wave my jazz hands for them all day every day.

Deeva xxx

ps. If What about the rugby players is what you are using to put women down then hand in your feminist card. Really. Do it now. You fucking irrellevance.

Male gaze in not-the-solution-to-girls’-poor-body-image shocker! - Guest Post

This guest post is a response to a... well, I will let Shona and Glen explain it.

Today the BBC and Telegraph reported that a Psychologist, Dr Aric Sigman, has used the run up to the Easter teachers’ unions conference season to promote his idea for a role for boys in addressing the poor body image of girls. This idea involves introducing classes in schools where older boys explain to girls what it is they find attractive in girls:

“It would be helpful for them to explain that what they find attractive is not just physical qualities but also qualities like caring, the sound of a girl’s voice and her body language.

“Boys don’t have in any way near as rigid a view on what an attractive figure should be and they value many other physical qualities, including eyes, hair, and body language.”

There are so many things wrong with Sigman’s suggestion that it’s hard to know where to start, so let’s break it down:

1. The assumption that male desire is desired by girls and women
The entire basis of Sigman’s rationale is a common but drastic misconception that girls’ and women’s poor body image and disordered eating is due to a misunderstanding with regards to what boys and men find sexually attractive. This assumption is understandable to an extent, from a man in a society where women’s reasons for existing are usually represented through a male-centric lens, from Eve being created from Adam’s rib to every film that fails the Bechdel Test. However, the reality (like all social phenomena) is a much more complex interplay within and between:

Social structures (i.e. capitalism’s use of women’s unpaid reproductive labour – cooking, cleaning and caring)
Culture and ideology (i.e. media representations of femininity)
Individual factors (i.e. experiences of bullying or abuse, or biopsychosocial sensitivities)

Attempting to teach girls a marginally-expanded definition of desirable femininity through the lens of the male gaze could be hugely counterproductive. Many girls begin to develop eating disorders around puberty and one explanation for this is fear and anxiety associated with the sexualisation that comes with developing a sexually mature body. Furthermore, eating disorders are higher amongst girls who have experienced sexual abuse, and sexual harassment of girls by boys has become normalised as ‘teasing’ in many schools. Now in the context of these factors – imagine again the effect that Sigman’s intervention could have on girls. The fact is that most women and girls are not interested in the sexual attentions of most men and boys. This assumption ties into a wider discourse that defends street harassment as complimentary, and measures the plausibility of women’s rape allegations by their appearance.

2. Appealingness as a source of self-worth
A second assumption of Sigman’s intervention is that girls can gain self-worth or resilience against poor body image and eating disorders through seeing themselves as appealing to boys. First of all, this is simply inaccurate, and many interventions to improve body image resilience focus on encouraging self-identification and -affirmation of one’s positive characteristics not about body shape, size, or appearance (i.e. kindness). In fairness, Sigman does mention some non-body characteristics which boys might mention they find appealing in girls, but the ones he does mention are heavily gendered (i.e. caring) – more on that later, first let’s focus on the two core problems with this approach:

Firstly, it casts girls’ self-worth as contingent on male approval. This promotes an external locus of control – encouraging girls to seek external validation, and putting the power over their self-esteem firmly in the hands of boys and men, who outside of Sigman’s classroom context are unlikely to cast their objectification of girls’ bodies in a consistently positive light. This in turn creates girls and women who are more receptive to advertising subtexts which imply ‘no one will love you unless you buy our product’ – a profitable but harmful side-effect of Sigman’s approach.

Secondly, the focus on girls’ attractiveness and appealingness to boys as a source of self-worth undermines the possibility of girls building pride and self-confidence in otherwise positive characteristics which boys either don’t recognise as important, or find actively threatening or unappealing.

Focusing on the approval of boys as a path for girls to build positive body image and resilience against eating disorders is a poison chalice.

3. What’s ‘attractive’, why, and why is that a problem?
The things that Sigman lists as possibly non-body-shape related characteristics that boys might find attractive in girls are all, by their very nature, problematic. The very act of picking out characteristics like a shopping list, rather than treating people as whole, is steeped in consumer ideology. Desire is also mediated socially, culturally and structurally, and is tied up with prevailing norms of what is valued in terms of masculinity and femininity (and sexuality, race, and class). So what do we end up with in Sigman’s intervention? Well, boys might find girls attractive for their “caring, the sound of a girl’s voice and her body language” or their “eyes, hair, and body language” – we can read into this a perpetuation of several sexist norms which are incredibly unhelpful ideas for girls to internalise any more than they already do:

Women as carers – the ones who are expected to the emotional labour and self-sacrificingly support others’ development at the expense of their own
Women as soft, passive, and submissive – talking softly (and so are easy to ignore, interrupt, or talk over in meetings) and being physically accommodating, taking up as little space as possible
Women as “naturally” beautiful – spending a lot of time and money trying to accentuate their features in a way that is subtle enough to be imagined natural (beauty standards are also often steeped in racism due to histories of colonialism)

Furthermore, if we leave girls self-worth up to boys to determine based on their own socially-mediated desires, what things might be excluded? Girls have many characteristics from which they should derive pride and self-worth which boys may find unattractive; a lot of these characteristics are considered unattractive because they fall into the ‘masculine’ side of the gender role binary, and to some degree girls who exude these characteristics could present a masculinity threat to some boys who feel they are not as capable of embodying these aspects of the gender role.

Some ‘masculine’ coded characteristics, potentially unattractive to boys, include intelligence, independence, physical strength, and unruliness – all things in which girls should take great pride, and which will help them grow into women who have exciting, fulfilling and productive lives. The masculinisation of characteristics conducive to wellbeing and liberation encourages girls to actively avoid developing themselves in these areas, for example we see teenage girls ‘dumbing down’ in school in a way that teenage boys just don’t – the long term effect of girls not being encouraged to develop their strengths regardless of the opinions of boys is an alarming thought, and its role in upholding unequal gender relations is surely significant.

4. Heteronormativity
Finally, we have the issue of heteronormativity. This is really very low-hanging fruit with regards to criticising Sigman’s intervention, but it must be mentioned. A significant minority of the girls and boys involved in any such intervention would be homosexual, and even in the context of more and more children coming-out at an early age, many of these teenagers are likely to still be in the closet, and potentially subject to experiencing a degree of internalised stress at attempting to ‘pass’ as straight during and following these sessions. Furthermore, girls who don’t attempt to perform femininity and teenagers assigned female who do not identify as such, might be subject to additional internal distress or external bullying and harassment due to the gender and sexuality norms deeply embedded in the ideology of Sigman’s intervention.

In the Telegraph article, Sigman is quoted as saying "Men are often surprised to discover how even the most intelligent, capable, rational and empowered women can be laid low by body dissatisfaction. Many of us just don't get it." Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, and Sigman is on the money here – he just doesn’t get it. A lot of boys and men just don’t get it. Sigman has undertaken to find a solution not to the actual problem(s), but to his biased and erroneous misunderstanding of the problem, and in doing so has come up with an intervention which could cause actual harm. The path to addressing girls’ body image problems should instead involve listening to girls and women, looking at evidence from critical research in this field, and working towards structural, cultural, and interpersonal solutions to a culture which perpetuates and profits from toxic femininities.

This is Shona. Couldn't find a picture of Glen.

Shona and Glen are post-grad students researching Marxist sexual politics and body image respectively. They work together at a university in Leeds and talk about feminism loads.