Have been asleep most of the day as I have finally succumbed to the inevitable consequence of standing on a picket line in the pouring rain for four hours on monday.
Managed to have a conversation on Facebook about rape in between sleeps though.
I saw this quote "Rape is about violence, not sex. If someone hit you with a spade you wouldn't call it gardening".
I don't know who originally said it, I would attribute it if I did, but after all the Judy Finnegan crap spouting this week about how Ched Evans should be allowed to play football because his rape wasn't violent it struck a chord with me.
Now, what I wasn't prepared for was the reaction it would get from someone I knew to be a survivor. My Bio Mum.
She was responding to this from a very good and very intelligent male friend of mine.
" I remember a conversation many years ago with a criminologist. Her view was that less than 10% of rapes were sexually motivated - the real motivation is power, it is all about subjugating the woman; the sexual act is the weapon, not the end."
Her reply stunned me.
" Her views are probably from a text book. Most men, fortunately have a built in mechanism that stops them from crossing the line, however sex is the motivator to rape and is coupled with a desire to use dominant force to get it over physically weaker women, in most cases. That is my opinion about the issue of rape."
From a survivor, this struck me as horrific. From a survivor that I learned to think from it struck me as really sad.
So, this post is for my Bio Mum and all the other women of a certain age who were brought up to think that sex is a thing that a man does to a woman rather than a loving (or sometimes not, sometimes just for the fun of it) thing that happens between adults of consenting age who are enthusiastically consenting.
Her views would have been from controlled research. I'll be blunt. If rape was about sex it would actually make things easier for me as a feminist and a survivor. I really don't want to go into your personal stuff mum, I know you are a survivor too but your story isn't mine to tell.
I will say though that domestic rape, which is the most prevalent type, not stranger rape, though only an idiot would suggest that it doesn't happen, is rarely about the sex. It happens when a person (am being very careful not to gender here) wants sex, yes, but look at the background. If the other partner hasn't wanted sex for a while then there is likely to be a reason for that.
Rape in a domestic situation is not a thing that happens in isolation. There is typically a background of abuse and control. When the abusive partner sees control waning, then rape is an easy way to get that back.
But what about the prerequisite horn needed? Well, that will be borne of a desire to see the other partner subjugated and controlled. Plus, when we think about what causes a hardon in men, that can happen from being warm on a bus.
From my personal perspective the sex wasn't even all that great for them. One of them could only finally cum if he hit me in the face at the same time. And he was always angry afterwards that it wasn't very good. His penis was at best only ever at half mast. He wasn't horny, he was angry at me for being me and this was his way of punishing me for getting out of his control, however momentarily.
So, it doesn't require the abusive partner to be horny, and I will be frank, if anyone is that horny they can go and have a wank. Consent is a cultural construct rather than an inbuilt mechanism that is somehow missing or broken in a rapist.
To think that somehow we are all saved from being constantly raped because of something inbuilt abrogates responsibility from the rapist and puts it firmly on the shoulders of the raped. Short skirt, drunk, leading him on, being outside, looking so damn sexy all the time... You have all heard the victim blaming shit I am talking about and this adds to it.
Which is disgusting.
The point I was originally making is that all rape is violence. There is no hierarchy of good/bad violent/not violent as every single time it takes a part if you and kills it dead.
You never get back that part that thinks that it wouldn't happen. It is a constant possibility with EVERY person you meet and that makes the violence never go away...
Besides the fact that women are not actually weaker (patriarchy tells us we are and we act accordingly) talking about the why of rape takes away from the fact that rape is in and of itself a violent act.
In all rape, even in those very rare occasions where it is about sex, there is the weight of entitlement that tells rapists that they have the right to take what they want, regardless of consent because they are entitled to it. And that, my friends, is violence in itself. When we derail the conversation to talk about the why, we leave the victims behind and make it about the rapist. And you know what? Society already leaves the victim behind. And that in itself is also violent.
Then another one of my friends piped up. I love this friend dearly. She is one of my favourite people in the world and also a survivor.
"But surely, we need to look at the 'why' so we can try and find a way to prevent it happening? I agree totally that rape is about power and violence but understanding why that violence occurs surely means we, as a society not as individuals, can work to prevent it? Or have I missed the point?"
To which I reply with the following.
Kinda.... but not entirely. We know the why. Entitlement, patriarchy, rape culture etc. We need to be focussing, I think, on busting the myths and teaching informed consent. We need to be teaching our women that the only person responsible for their rapes is the rapist and we need to be teaching our men that not only does no mean no, but that only an enthusiastic yes means yes.
We need to teach women that being catcalled in the street is not a compliment. We need to teach men not to treat women as objects.
We need to teach women and men about coercion, control and abuse and how to tackle it. we need to recognise that whereas it is Not All Men who rape, it is Yes All Women who are in danger of it.
We need to tell men that they are not entitled to women. That the Friendzone should not be a thing they retreat to and get narky about because they didn't get their dick wet.
Another quote comes to mind and I will end with it.
"Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them."
Margaret Attwood.
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