100 Days Of Honest - Day One.

Been seeing this 100 days of happy thing here and there and thought I might want to give it a go without putting too much pressure on myself.

I had a think and decided that people where what made me happiest but they might not know that.

So I have decided to do something a bit different and do 100 days of honest.

Every day I will be telling two people what I honestly think of them.  That is 200 people to let know how I feel.

Feel free to share, to join in, to take part or not.

You never know, you might see your name on here!

Will be updating here when I can.

Day one:

Dear Kaliegh,

I am so bloody proud of you. I know it can get lonely when people around you just don't get it and try to dissuade you from your beliefs because they make them uncomfortable. It is them who need to wake up and change, not you. Never change my eco warrior, feminist, anti racist, left wing beautiful wife. I love you not just for who you are now but also for who you will continue to grow to be xxxx

Dear Carol, 

you are one of my best friends and I love you. Your spirit, your generosity, your loyalty, your sense of humour and your fight is what makes you you. Never change Ada. Not ever. There are people one this planet, myself included who have learned patience from you and are lucky to be able to call you their friend. I count myself privileged to be among them xxxxxx

On Why Language Matters

Been musing on this subject for a while.

Words are powerful. Words inform the narrative. Words influence what and how we approach a subject.

When the subjects you approach with alarming regularity are ones like child abuse, domestic violence, mental health, gender and sexuality you start to recognise that the more you speak and the more you listen then the more you hear the inherent bias that language holds.

For instance, paedophile. Its what we all use for disgusting human beings who abuse children right?

I'm not comfortable with it. I'm not comfortable because it is a self coined term that means lover of children. I'm not comfortable because it is used like gay can be by people 'he looks a bit paedy' etc. This waters down its effect. Makes is somehow a thing that isn't all bad. It weakens it and trivialises child abuse and I'm not comfortable about it.

Henceforth I shall not be using it. I will be using child abuser instead.

Child porn. Makes me see red. Whether you like it or not porn is a legitimate profession where consenting adults work. (if it isn't then it isn't porn, its abuse imo).

Children cannot consent so it isn't child porn. Lets call it what it is. Images of child sexual abuse perpetrated by child abusers.

There, doesn't that feel better? No bias, just telling it like it is.

Date rape (now acquaintance rape apparently).

Stranger rape.

Marital rape.

For fucks sake. If he puts his penis in you without consent it is rape. Doesn't really matter who he is, he is a rapist and the different types suggest a hierarchy that frankly isn't fucking helpful.

Lets just call it what it is. Rape.

See what happens when we name things is that they become more real to us. The language when not wrapped up in other softer, more gentle, more genteel wording becomes stark. And we need that if we are to tackle the issues at all honestly.

There are words that dehumanise. Tranny is one of them. I'm sure you can come up with some that anger you too.

And don't refer to me as a girl if you are referring to my colleagues as men.

Don't tell me I have balls. I don't.

Don't tell me I'm accepted as being one of the lads.

Don't use sexist, homophobic, ableist language in front of me and call it banter.

I have zero tolerance for it.

Language matters.

You might want to watch yours.

On Zero Tolerance For Dickheads

I mentioned in my last post that I have just got back from Women's TUC Conference. While there I seconded motion 23 which called for zero tolerance for bullying and harassment in the workplace.

My speech went down quite well and I have been asked to reproduce it so I thought I would do so here.

Chair, sisters.

On monday a senior manager called me darling. I gave him a gob full, and he apologised, so I let him live.

On tuesday a colleague snuck up behind me and poked me. I gave him a gob full and he apologised, so I let him live.

Yesterday on my way here I got talking to a man on the train about where I was going. He asked who I had to sleep with in the union to get here. I gave him a gob full and he apologised, so I let him live.

This morning as I went to the shop at 6.45 to buy toothpaste a man shouted 'HI BIG TITS!' at me.

He's dead now.

Tomorrow I will have another story. And the day after that. And the day after that. And so will we all.

I have the confidence to shout back but not every woman does.

And we need that confidence.

Work should be a safe space. We must demand that it is a safe space. But the men won't do it so we sisters have to do it for ourselves.

Zero tolerance for bullying. Zero tolerance for sexual harassment. Zero tolerance for dickheads.

We need to go old school. We need to educate women, agitate women and organise women to have the confidence to shout back too.

Support the motion.

So this explains why I was offered alibis and asked at breakfast if I had killed anyone yet.

I managed to get through the day without doing so.

Thank you Women's TUC for an amazing conference.

Lets now practice zero tolerance for dickheads!

On FGM v Forced Male Circumcision

Just going home from Women's TUC. Had an amazing time with awesome debates and offers of alibis in case the police came to arrest me. (long story, might blog on it separately)

So I'm at Paddington station in reflective mood.

One of the things we debated this morning was Female Genital Mutilation (FGM)

Moving, horrifying.

It reminded me of a tweet I read on my way to London what now feels like an age ago asking why the uproar about FGM when forced male circumcision seems to be accepted.

Well  now, I have a couple of issues with this.

Firstly, this is WHAT ABOUT TEH MENZ??

Secondly, there isn't a general acceptance that it is ok. Certainly isn't in my book. I have tattoos and piercings and have had numerous medical procedures. But here is the thing. None of that has ever taken place without my consent.

A baby cannot consent to circumcision. Therefore, if there is no medical reason to do it, it is wrong.

I think the tweet meant to ask why aren't there big visible campaigns against forced  circumcision?

I'm gonna answer that one.

Well, it never killed anyone in childbirth.

It never killed women of toxic shock by preventing them from having free flowing periods.

It isn't done with unsterilized scissors and razors.

Boys aren't spirited away out of the country to be mutilated.

It doesn't happen as a way of subjugating men and treating them as chattel that only has value if they are marriageable.

It doesn't happen to provide sexual pleasure for women.

It doesn't lead to death threats if it isn't performed.

It doesn't affect family honour.

It isn't a crime.

So yeah, what about teh menz?

Tell you what, you start a campaign against non medical circumcision and I'll support it. I'll sign petitions, I'll attend demos. Ill be fully on board.

Two conditions though.

Firstly, YOU have to do this. I know that you're used to women doing stuff for you, but this is your thing. Set it up and I'll join you and so will my sisters.

Secondly, you have to join me and my sisters in our fight against FGM and not ask stupid fucking questions like 'what about teh menz?'

While you decide, I'll be here at Paddington station looking at women of colour and wondering how many of them have been mutilated for patriarchy.
 

Fuck Off Russell, Feminism Doesn't Need You

So. Russell Brand is a feminist now huh?

Yeah, he is, he held up a No More Page 3 t-shirt and everything.

That is all it takes apparently.

Granted, he we went further than when Cameron said he was a feminist. Didn't see Dave holding up a t-shirt did we? Huh? HUH?

And it is apparently the love of a good woman that has led to his Damascus moment.

Fuck. Off.

See Russ, I can call you Russ now that we're sisters and all that can't I, if you have had the scales fall from your eyes through the love of a good woman then I am afraid that you are still thinking with your cock.

While it is happy and fulfilled then you can play at feminism, but break up with the 'good woman' and I am betting that you go back to your sleazy, objectifying, creepy ways without even blinking.

If you being a feminist is predicated on your relationship then it isn't feminism at all and to be honest Russ you would be a fucking liability to the movement so we don't actually want you.

Poor little misogynist boy...

Poor, poor Russ. No one understands you do they? When you were refusing to go on set till a junior wardrobe mistress showed you her tits it was to emancipate her from her crippling insecurity over her body and NOT a sexual assault based on the entitlement of the male gaze was it?

And when you rang an old man and bragged about how you fucked his granddaughter, what you really meant to say was 'I had great consensual sex which was all about mutual gratification.' didn't you? Coz Russ, when you say 'I fucked' it sounds awfully like 'I took as was my right' and that is a teensy bit sexist.

It also buys into purity culture where you are seen as a conqueror of women who are left worthless because they were taken by your almighty dick.

Have you got on to purity culture yet or are you still all about getting laid by saying you respect women now and not quite wearing a t-shirt.

If you really want to be a feminist, and in Russell Brand's dictionary 'feminist' must mean 'egotistical, attention seeking, rapey bawbag' then you have much to learn. (copyright @TittyO'Shea)

For a start, it isn't as easy as just saying you are a feminist. I can say I'm a mermaid, it doesn't mean I am one, even though I do like to soak in the bath a lot.

So here are some tips if you are serious about this respecting women lark.

Don't simultaneously slag off all women you have slept with, including your ex wife by saying they are not good women. Lacking in taste they may be, but they don't deserve that.

Don't act surprised that this whole concept of respecting women actually exists. OH MY! WOMEN HAVE BEEN CALLING ME SEXIST FOR YEARS, WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME BEFORE THAT I HAD A CHOICE IN HOW I  TREATED THEM?!?

I'm not buying it. Most people I know aren't buying it. I'm not sure even you are buying it and it seems that you are just saying it to get the love of a good woman.

It feels fake Russ and the feminist movement doesn't want that.

You remind me of those creeps who act like they don't eat meat so that hot vegetarian chicks will have sex with them. It's fucking creepy Russ and there are already enough men pretending to be feminists to get laid. We really don't need any more.

Don't treat women as objects. Don't perpetuate the idea that a woman is gagging for it and therefore to be used.

Don't slut shame. Don't victim blame. Don't treat women as your rescuers.

Don't call yourself a feminist. You don't get to join us by holding a fucking t-shirt. We work hard at this shit partly because of the lad culture, dressed up as effete caddery though it may be, that you perpetuate as lover/conqueror of women.

Don't even try to say that you slept with so many women because you love them. Not when you treated them as commodities to taunt their grandfathers with.

Maybe I am being unfair. Maybe you really have turned a corner and want to do the right thing.

Nearly said that with a straight face then.

Fuck Off Or Fuck Yeah? The December Round Up

*waves* Hello lovely people and assholes alike. Goddess knows I seem to have met you in equal measure this year.

Regular readers will know that December is a weird time for me. I went from this really miserable post to this far more hopeful post and now is the time for the round up from this year.

Has it been Fuck Off or Fuck Yeah!?

Bit of both really.

Fuck Off

Depression hit me with a vengeance this year. Like my brain went 'what, wait, WHUT... she got fucking happy while I wasn't looking? What shit is this?' and tried to totally destroy me.

Fucking asshole. I'd had an amazing year with Doodlebug moving in and feeling nothing but love for the year at home. I got all my debts sorted. Not paid, but actually put stuff in place so I can. That's what a previous marriage gets you when your ex husband didn't work or claim for 7 years apparently. Fuck loads of debt.

I digress.

Things were going so well that my shitty brain forgot to remind me what a waste of space I am. It let me go to Glastonbury and Tolpuddle and Reading and have a fucking great time and though it would sometimes remember to give me a prod now and then, (you don't deserve this remember? Ah fuck it, can't be arsed) it more or less left me alone.

Which was nice :)

Then it hit. Full pelt. Mostly because of work, but that will always impact on how I feel about myself in general. Was being attacked by all sides, day job and union 'comrades' and it got too much.

Sidebar.

When you are in a trade union you are supposed to be united against attacks on your members. There, I fucking said it.

I could not give a FLYING FUCK about what faction you are in or not. Not bothered in the slightest. You should always be working to make things better for your members.

Not a difficult concept really is it?

Yet.... There are those who spend so much time trying to undermine others because they are not in the Judean Peolples Front or the People's Front of Judea or whatfuckingever that they pay lip service at best to what they are supposed to be doing for members. You know, things like organising and campaigning and recruiting activists and shit. But no, that's fine. You spend your time trying to score political points by being snarky and lying to your members about it you useless, ridiculous waste of facility time.

Here is a clue since you seem too politically broke to buy one. There is not a single faction of any kind that is exempt from this. You want to spend your time trying to score points off each other, you go ahead. There are those of us who will just laugh at you while trying to do the best for our members, even if the obstacles you put in the way make us feel like we're banging our heads against a brick wall. You keep arguing about whether the bricks are proletariat enough. Yeah, that'll help.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, the Fuck Off section.

What else has pissed me off?

Abortion. Still every woman's choice. Still none of your business. Still your only job is to support a woman whatever her choice is. Women will only have true freedom when they have true autonomy over their bodies and choices. This is not a difficult concept but one that I feel I have to explain over and over again. You're welcome.

Feminists. Stop fucking arguing with each other and get on with smashing patriarchy will ya? For fucks sake. There are a LOT of online feminists I have a lot of respect for, even if their views don't match mine exactly. We are a diverse lot really and there is more to being a feminist than screeching on Twitter about why you are a better feminist than me. Yeah I said it. I covered most of this here when I talked about missing the fucking point but it bears repeating.

I would rather spend my time educating people on why equality is important than arguing about whether trigger warnings are effective (not really in my view as they assume a lot about triggers. I prefer to use 'Content Warning' and let people decide for themselves what is likely to trigger them).

People who moan about christmas leftovers while other people use foodbanks. Fuck off.

People who buy into the idea of the workers v shirkers narrative. Fuck off.

Anyone who thinks that being disabled is a burden on the state, Fuck off.

Think that there will be 27m Bulgarians flooding into the UK next week? Fuck off. And do some research. The total population is far less than that for a start.

Got something to say to me? Say it. Don't hide behind passive aggressive little comments on other people's facebook. Don't lie about me. Don't (and this one was HILARIOUS) trash my musical tastes because there is fuck all else you can say about me. Yep. Fuck off.

Prefer harassing Owen Jones than coming up with a viable strategy of your own? HINT: A one day general strike is not a viable strategy. It will not win the war against austerity. It can only be part of an overall strategy. Again, you're welcome. Now fuck off.

Victim blamers, body policers, fat shamers, rape apologists. Fuck off.

STILL in an organisation that hides rapists. You can fuck off too.

Homophobes, transphobes, racists and idiots... Guess what... fuck off.

Depression. You get the biggest fuck off of them all.

Which leads me to the FUCK YEAH! section.

I finally made it to Glastonbury. I saw Public Enemy from right at the front. I made new friends, caught up with old ones, broke my toe, raised a LOT of money for PCS and had an amazing time.

And when I got home smelling 'earthy' (apparently) I was greeted with smiles and hugs and kisses rather than the cold indifference I am used to.

I finally got to go gigging with my Wife Lady. Who paid £350 to a ticket tout just so she could spend time with me at Reading Festival. Best time ever and I am now an inductee to the Church of Dubstep. It really is all about the drop and the wub, wub, wub.

I spent the year being loved, cherished, adored and trusted.

Doodlebug started college and is thriving.

The Lovely made life better for a lot of people. I am so proud of the work he and his colleagues do. And I am proud of him.

I got through the depressive episode and actually allowed myself to be a member at work. Reps are really, REALLY bad at this, so I see it as a major victory.

I decided that the ex had enjoyed enough control over me and made the decision that he would have no more. So instead of going straight for a divorce once we had been separated 2 years which he could slow down and contest, I have decided to wait so that he can't have a say in it and control me any more.

I took up knitting again and got to see the faces of those I gifted with home made scarves and hats.

I embraced the onesie!!!! You know what, I have never worn anything as comfortable and I now have three of them.

I had a LOT of therapy and finally got a proper diagnosis of Depression, Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I always knew I had them, and fuck anyone who says you shouldn't self diagnose, I don't need a medical degree to know when I have broken my leg, but it is always nice to have it officially validated.

I got an undercut. I had wanted one for years and I finally took the plunge and did it.

I remembered that my friends love me when I am in a good mood and that they STILL love me when I am a crying mess.

Best of all, I found myself again. I remembered that I am not this awful person and that sometimes my very presence brings joy. This was a really powerful lesson to learn. It is one I am going to have to remember through the next 12 months and I may need you to remind me now and then.

In return I will tell you this.

You are not an awful person and sometimes your very presence brings joy.

Anyone who would tell you otherwise needs to fuck off.

Much love and happy new year.

Deeva xxx

On Judging The Shit Out Of Stuff

Mainly parents putting their kids at risk.

Let me explain. This afternoon I was outside Boots having a ciggy, waiting for Doodlebug to come out when I heard a child screaming.

This sound opens up something in me as it does most people. I mean, this child wasn't crying, we all know that babies cry, but it was screaming. Loudly. From the direction of a car.

I looked over and there were two children, one a baby in a car chair and the other about 3 years old in the back of a car. Alone.

My hackles went right up. Why the fuck would anyone do that?

I thought I would wait around to see if the parent (I wasn't automatically thinking 'mother' to my credit) would come back soon. They didn't. Not for a good ten minutes.

During that ten minutes the baby kept screaming and older child had now wound the window down and was shouting 'mummy' out of it.

I then spotted the security guard from Boots and told him and the shop worker he was stood in what was going on. 'Not again?' was the reply.

Wait, WHUT?

Oh yes, apparently people do this all the time. They leave what is supposed to be precious to them at risk.

Now, I don't like to judge people. Not on who they are, their sexuality, race, lifestyle choices, well anything really. I actually pride myself on being non judgemental.

But it seems that I have limits. And that limit was reached today.

Leave small children in a car in a car park on their own while you do your shopping? I am going to judge the fucking shit out of you.

I hate to play into paedophile hysteria and I know that human beings are most at risk in their own homes, but anything could have happened to those kids. Sometimes they do get snatched. Older child had managed to wind the window down. What if he had got out of the car and got knocked over?

Why take the risk?

I was even more furious when said parent (it was a woman in the end) came out to hear what the fuss was about as shop worker was not being discreet about her anger and security guard was on the radio summoning site security.

'They prefer to be left in the car' she said.

Fucking REALLY???????

I lost my shit.

I pointed out that her kids were screaming for her while she swanned around doing her shopping. I told her that anything could have happened to them especially while older child had the window wound down. I asked how the baby had articulated that it would prefer to be left in the car. Clever baby that.

I tried to stay calm but there may have been some shouting. Shop worker looked pleased that she was getting a telling off and security guard looked like he was ready for a fight to break out.

She seemed quite taken aback. She adopted a 'don't judge me' look. Not sorry, I am judging the hell out of you. Not for thinking that it would be easier to pop into the shop without your kids. It would. Not for looking pissed off at being caught out. Though that would be fair. But for leaving human beings, small human beings who your ONLY FUCKING JOB is to protect and keep safe to fend for themselves.

Fuck you. Fuck you and your prioritising buying wrapping paper over the safety of your children. I am always gonna judge you for that.